After 6 PM, it's no!

Sung eun was at my neighbour’s place because I think it was someone’s birthday. At first, my neighbour called me around 11h30. 11h30 is not exactly late and I’m probably not going to bed any soon, but isn’t that still gay? Oh, and he needed my cable too…which makes it even more gay. He was probably not going to call me if it wasn’t for the cable. Anyways, I didn't go.

Then, around 1 AM, Sung eun texts me the following:

Sung eun: Come please~~~I wanna see you Me: Non j’viens pas, t'as dis que j’suis laide! **That’s just an excuse, I know he's just kidding when he says I'm ugly... Sung eun: Non, t'es belle vraiment!!! Me: TROP TARD! Sung eun: Je t'aime~~~Je veux te voir **He loves me? Waw, people seriously would say anything just to get laid. Me: Je t’aime pas Sung eun: S'il te plait Me: Non crisse, check quel heure il est la...t'aurais du me dire plus tôt si tu voulais me voir y'know. Trouves toi un autre bouche-trou. **I wasn’t going to say this but he was getting annoying…

Sung eun is not a bad person…but fuckin annoying. He needs to grow up.

From now on, male friends who call me later than 6 PM to do whatever that involves alcohol on the same day can pretty much expect a negative answer.

Tragus

I went shopping with Mirlaine to find something to wear for new year and you know how difficult I am so we didn't find anything. So instead, I decided to get my tragus pierced.

Here it is:
It's a bit nasty I know, you can see the blood haha...

Tell me you love it too!

I'm a boring person

I see my friends out having fun, partying and just living life. Sometimes I wonder why isn’t that fun to me anymore? How did all that fun suddenly become so exhausting? Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me because I like to do boring stuff at home and it’s not like I turned 30 or something…I’m still only 21. Even people around me think I'm weird because they all remember me as that girl who couldn't make the difference between days and nights and who lived life on the edge. I guess I still like to have fun, but I became more responsible maybe? I became more comfortable in my own skin maybe? You know what's funny? I was actually very shy and quite when I was a kid, believe it or not.

I told people that I planned to stay home for new year eve. Then Mirlaine texted me saying that she wants to pay for my ticket to 1234 and that she really wants to have me there. I admit I really miss her as well, but I also think clubbing and socializing is more exhausting than studying for finals. But if someone wants to pay your ticket just so you can do the countdown with them, it's because that someone genuinely enjoys having you around. Other than the fact that I like being a couch potato, I also enjoy making people happy and I love her a lot, so I'm going!

Canada: Last day

It's Christmas! I brought her to the Mont-Royal and the casino...and I'm really TIRED!

She's leaving tonight and I can finally be a couch potato =D

Me and my naked face...

Canada: Day 5 and 6

I really wanted to stay home yesterday. I'm the only one she knows in Canada, but I was really not in the right mood after seeing the doctor so I went home to sleep. My mom kept telling me to at least go take a coffee or something with her and I was like..."Why are you so involved"? She even invited Kuniko to have supper with us and she's usually not that nice to my friends. Today, I ran out of ideas, so we went to the old port. Then, we went shopping in Downtown and that's already the third time I go there with her. See? Montreal is really boring.

Canada: Day 3 and 4

Yesterday, I just went to the oratoire with her and then she came to my place to have supper. My mom didn't know what to cook, so we just had hot pot....and I hate hot pot.

Today was a bit more fun, we went to the Biodome and my cousin came along! I feel like a little kid hehehe...

I always had that obsession with fish...
...especially ugly fish and mermaids.

...and that's my new favourite animal:

Canada: Day 2

I went to Quebec city with Kuniko today. It was okay overall, but I already went 3 times, so it was a bit boring for me, but she seemed to like it. She kept saying that she would love to live here and that she loves the cold. Anyways, I snapped a few shots to get myself in a tourist mood...

So, here's Montmonrency...



From the top of the observatory...






That's in the small village near Petit Champlain street.



Petit Champlain








Gosh, what a long day!!!

Canada: Day 1

I met with Kuniko today.

She will be staying in Montreal until Christmas. I still don't know what and where to show her...Is there really something interesting about our city? Today, we didn't have much time because I got lost on my way to Dorval, so I basically only brought her to Chinatown and Downtown. She also wanted to see what my school looked like, and I obviously didn't want to show her the hall building that looks more like the third world, so I just showed her the only 2 presentable buildings...I will go to Quebec city with her tomorrow and I was thinking maybe Ottawa next week?

Look at that, she brought be some chocolate and cute stuff from Japan =)

and these too...


A scarf and some books she wrote...but it's in Japanese so I won't be able to read. Maybe one day.


Mirrors, mascara and lip gloss...that is so me!


Ginseng for my mom. I'm keeping the masks.

Confession

I got a confession to make. About 6 months ago, I found out that P reads my blog and I have to admit I had difficulties writing things and I would even distort the truth to some extend. So I was thinking; what if I read those posts in the future and start believing in my own lies? What if I don't remember the truth? So I wanted to tell the truth before I forget it. This post will be a long and boring one but it’s important for me to remember.

The truth follows:
I usually don’t know who reads my blog even if there’s a counter. However, one month after I left, I found out that P reads it because of some technical stuff. At first, I tried as much as I could to ignore it and to just write whatever that came out of my mind. The only thing I didn’t want to mention is that the one I missed the most in Montreal when I was away wasn’t my mom, but P. I didn’t want to mention it because I tried to not think about it…but how is that supposed to help if I see P in the stats all the time?

When I came back to Montreal, I started noticing that the more I write about him, the more often he reads…the more he gets obsessed. I didn’t make up shits yet, but I did emphasize on things that didn’t matter to me. I did so because I knew he would be curious about some things in particular…like Bob. Bob is really just like any other guys and I mention him not because he’s more special than the general population. It’s just because he knows P. Indeed, he started checking it every single day. I liked to believe that he cared at least a little about me, but the stats says he’s just a very self-conscious person. From then on, everything I wrote had a purpose and I wrote them knowing that P will read. Sometimes, I'd go "Alright, what am I going to talk about today to entertain him"?

I started to have fewer things to say about him because if there is nothing going on, then I can’t just make things up out of nowhere. So I wrote that post where I said I deleted his number and that I wished he’d call. The truth is that I never deleted his number; I just wanted him to call me. Like I thought, few days later he sent me a text message…supposedly to the wrong person but anyways.

Then there was that post where I was actually mad and I mostly post that shit to make him feel bad…but I didn’t lie in it. 5 minutes after he read it, he indeed texted me to go drink, and I didn’t go and the real reason is that I was really scared to know what he had to say. Long time ago, I remember purposely inviting P on days which I know he was busy because I was scared about…I don’t even know what.

Next, there was that post where I said I went drinking with J at that bar and P was there. Everything is pretty similar to what I wrote, except that it wasn’t exactly an accident. It wasn’t my idea to go there, but I actually saw P before even going inside. I wasn’t surprised or embarassed like I said I was in the post. And I was absolutely not thinking about leaving because all I really wanted to do is to PISS HIM OFF!

The following week, P seemed to be less obsessed over my blog and I was less nervous about it as well... Honestly, seeing J helped me change ideas a little. I don’t like to compare people but I would talk to J the same way I talked to P, and it just didn’t work. J took everything I say seriously and I absolutely don’t understand his jokes. It was funner talking to P. Other than that, J is better than P in so many levels. It’s just that I wasn’t used to that and I still thought a lot about P so I distorted everything about J.

When I said I wasn’t expecting to see him again, I really knew when exactly I will see him. When I said I didn’t want to lie, I never actually meant it. C’mon, you think I’m that innocent or stupid or what? Like, I’ll do whatever I want to do and whatever’s most beneficial for me. At that point, I saw things most clearly and I wasn't expecting anything anymore; I just wanted to make fun of him. So that day, I texted P right after seeing J. P asked me why am I not going out on a Friday night and he thought that I didn't go see J because of what I told him earlier, but I still went. That's the day I was bitchy to J, but it's not totally because I feel bad for lying to P...it's also because I don't know how to be around J. So when he asked, I answered that it’s because I’m a good girl. He probably thought that I was his slave...he really enjoys watching me beg.

It was fun because he thinks he knows everything, but only things I wanted to make him believe. I also thought it was kind of fun to know something that he doesn’t know and to use that to my advantage. There are times he would go on my blog 20 times in 1 day. I always wanted to call him and say “What the fuck dude, are you obsessed to that point?” But he will obviously be humiliated and I didn’t have that kind of intentions yet…but maybe one day if he pisses me off or something...like now.

Deep inside, I really mind that he came to my place for a blowjob. Yes, it’s been a while now, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. I don't know if I'll ever get over that...I don't want to remember all my life. There are only 2 things that make me cry just thinking about it no matter how long it’s been. The first one is when I almost became blind because my dad hit my head against the handrail and told me to die. The second one is whatever happened that day. That I liked him, that he came see me for a blowjob, that I made up excuses for him and that I had to find out that it was definitely for a blowjob and not for me. The worst is that he doesn’t even care enough to understand why I was pissed. He probably doesn’t even know I was pissed and I wasn't only pissed. I can't even describe that. It convinced me that I did right…Like see? You shouldn’t feel bad about anything.

The next day, I was also relieved to finally know the truth and that it was fucked up from the beginning to the end and to understand that he's definitely not my type, maybe physically he is, but that's not what I want. He's the kind of person who's not willing to give unless it is guaranteed that he gets something as valuable in return, not less. Actions can reveal a lot about someone, even very simple ones. When he took so long to reply to my text message just because I took a few hours...that proved that he's calculating. I'm not exactly reputed for being generous either but Kevin was...so that's how things find their balance. I don’t hate him though, because he must have his reasons and I also remember myself wanting to screw him over and I didn’t even know him at that time. I always felt that challenge or maybe secret competition between us. I'm sure he also wanted to screw me over. Even when I knew him better, I still thought about backstabbing him for no reason...but I liked him in a way y'know, which is fucked up. The only time I didn't think about that was probably during those times he came to my place at 4 am, I'm rarely that open to people but I was really open to him and I loved how we talk about all kinds of silly stuff...and then you already know what happened.

All those times I said I’d stop, I actually never meant it and I clearly knew. I always knew that if one day I write a post like that, then it means that I’ve moved on for real. So that was the purpose of this post. It's never so clear and straightforward and even now, I really don't know what and why exactly and I can't gurantee that everything I say in this post is 100% true either...but there is no point in finding out anymore. Yes it was fun to provoke him, but I will never be able to live if I don’t leave the lies behind. I can't think about him anymore. I screwed up with Kevin because of the past and I'm not even friends with J anymore and I will continue to screw everything up if I don't stop. It's like a cycle that repeats itself and I have to let go now. I have to let go of all the bad...and the good too and not be so stubborn anymore.

That’s all!

Fuck everything.

I'm really having a bad day today. First of all, my dad almost punched a hole on the door of my room and the frame came off. I was so pissed I didn't even study after. Then J thinks I prank called him, but that's absolutely not it. He's pissed because of that now. It was already hard enough to talk with that boring guy, now he must think I'm immature or something...and he already said that once to me "Would you stop being childish and tell me what he told you?". Childish? WTF?! I'm not talking to him anymore. I don't justify myself. The worst is that I have an exam in less than an hour and it's TAX!!! FUCK.

Fuck my dad.
Fuck J.
Fuck Tax.

Obsession continues

Obviously, he has to defend himself because it’s the end of the world if a random girl like me says he’s cocky. He's says he's not obsessed, but he's obsessed enough to send me that huge essay just to prove that he's not obsessed. Like, please? If he texted me, he should've also expected me to post it up to entertain others.

That makes me laugh...

P: Haha ej I love you! I’m obsessed with you blog ever since I found out about it couple of days ago :) and I probably will be reading it until it gets boring. I don’t understand what’s with all the hating but hey it’s entertaining! Me: Is that bj? In case you have short-term memory, you’ve been checking it for 5 months. P: Haha suurrrre, but keep it up! Oh btw, I’m not really cocky. No idea why you keep saying I am. **As if someone cares… Me: You are cocky just for denying your 5-month obsession. AND quit texting me, I don’t like to see your digits appear on my screen. **Even if I told him to stop, I knew he would still have to say something about this, because he has to have the last word, duh! P: Haha 5 months? Obsession? Um sure if you believe so. But who wouldn’t be “obsessed” when you find out someone’s constantly talking about you in their little public diary? One thing for sure is that I’m really not obsessed of you but yes to your little diary, about me more specifically because that thing was entertaining. **He’s right, it’s not 5 months; it’s actually 6 months. If he’s not obsessed, then can anyone tell me what is he lying for? But jokes aside, I honestly don’t even know why u are so mad, I don’t remember pissing you off but whatever no hard feeling from my part at least. **It's not like he has the right to have any hard feelings when I never kicked him in the balls or anything like that. However I do feel bad for refusing you several times. So I wanted to ask you to go drink after the exams but anyways, bye then! **Maybe that would've worked on young ugly girls if he wanted to make them regret for what they said and then beg for free drinks because no, he wasn't thinking about asking me to go drink after finals and even my younger cousin came to that conclusion. How the fuck can he be stupid enough to think that I would believe that. Get a life?

That’s when I know there’s nothing worth talking about.

PS.: Please stop before you embarrass yourself any further.

PSS.: You are obsessed.

You are being watched

You know what is an obsession disease? I know someone who has it. That little boy believes he's superior, smarter, and more important than everything and that everyone is obsessed about him. I kind of feel bad for him because he doesn’t know that he's the most obsessed one out there yet. That little boy is obsessed to a point he has to check my blog on a daily basis and that's not even enough...he has to do it on an hourly basis and he can't sleep if he doesn't check it. However, that's not because my life is more interesting than porn. It's because not only he’s cocky, he's also fucked up self-conscious.

Have you noticed that my posts tend to revolve around the same thing these few months? Do I seem to enjoy bitching about one particular person? And even when it's unnecessary and irrelevant, I still have to bring that person up? That's because I enjoy making that obsessed little boy feel good and then feel like shit right after since he's that much smarter when he’s in fact nothing but a poor idiot who acts superior to compensate for his small dick. I’m really immature and bitchy for doing this but it’s worth it whenever I imagine your stupid reaction like you fuckin care in front of your laptop.

So did you really thoroughly enjoy reading this? Because I thoroughly enjoyed provoking you, but it’s getting boring. Oh and what the hell are you going to brag about tonight?

You deserve to be obsessed because clearly you have to care that much.
...but get well soon, P.

It's not every friday night...

I find it crazy how there are so many possibilities and just one little thing can change the whole story. For example, if my ticket return date was just one day later, I wouldn’t have gone out to catch up with a friend the next day and if it wasn't because of Dolly, I would have ignored those guys and I wouldn't have gone to that bar with them. If I didn't go to that bar with them, I wouldn’t have met Bob and if I didn’t meet Bob, I wouldn’t have met J. It's not every friday night that you meet people you share a connection with.

...but I kind of have the feeling that I already ruined it.
I ruined it from the beginning.

Fresh start

I went to bed last night with a question mark but I woke up this morning feeling all fresh and ready to start a new day. Today is not any special day of the week, month or year, but today I'm motivated to start anew. There is no need to wait until New Year, right? I'm excited about being a new person and not having to bear any grudges. It's like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm excited about life and meeting new people. I love new chances, new opportunities, and fresh starts. I want to do things I never did, enjoy things I never took the time to enjoy and I don't mean things like overdosing on alcohol and going out in bars to fuck some strangers that I will not see again the next morning. I just want to stop running, slow down a little, relax and give everyone a chance to open up, share and then see where it might go from that point on.

Everything that happens is from now on...
I want to meet new people, move forward.
I want to give people I meet a clean slate.

Truth heals

I have a lot of things to say, but I don't know where to start.

A lot of times, I want to ask him clearly, but then I'm scared I don’t know how to face the truth...because deep inside, I knew what to expect from the beginning. Today though, I found out something accidently. Something that maybe I’d be happier if I didn’t know. I've been thinking...how someone I like so much can treat me like this. I actually didn't even believe it. I always try to believe that he didn't mean it, I really do. I'm too far from being innocent, but I was innocent enough to believe that he didn't mean it. He didn't even apologize, but I still believed he didn't mean it.

Like I said, I found out something today. It doesn’t matter how I found out, it’s not the point. But I'm really upset because now I know that he actually meant it. He meant everything he did and said. No excuse. I can remember word for word because it mattered to me, but he said those words without thinking. He deliberately wanted to treat me like a slut because that's what he wanted. Because he thinks he's that much smarter. Because then he can brag about it. Because he really thought I was stupid enough to not know? Well I knew, I just didn't want to believe how cruel he was.

I gotta tell you guys something funny. When a boyfriend breaks up with me, I always kinda try to cry a little because that's what everyone does, but I can seriously never shed a tear no matter how hard I try to force it. I even try to be in a sad mood...but that doesn't work either. But today, I'm ashamed to cry for something that shallow. It feels like someone stabbed me in my heart and that has to be the only time I openned up. I cry because I liked him a lot, I was honest and I tried to not think of revenge but it wasn't worth it. That's not sad enough though. I'm sad because I don't understand why. What did I do so wrong? I don't understand. I know why, but I don't understand the logic if there's one. But yeah...too many people go out there just to hurt others...who knows why.

I don't regret though. I learned from it...I still don't know if I deserved it because it was partly my fault. Actually, it was all wrong from the beginning. At least now I know I still have feelings. At least I know I have tears. At least I know I'm human. At least now I know what to do. At least now I can move on for good. I mean it. Maybe I didn't mean it all the other times, but I mean it this time.

That entry doesn't make sense, I have a lot to say, but it's all messed up.
The point is...
I'm upset, but relieved because that's all I wanted to know.
I'm upset, but happy because now I can move on.
The truth really doesn't hurt. The truth heals.

Being able to admit it feels so good!

Sometimes, I feel like the whole world owes me something. If I were ugly, short and fat, would people still be that nice and patient with me? I really think not. If they want to be with me for all that superficial crap then I should give them a real taste of my bitchiness along with it to thank them.

Last time I saw J, I acted like a total bitch...and I thought I was too mean. I was also mean to talk bad about him to my friends, to hold prejudices against him and to not be honest. Well, it's hard to say all this through text message so I only apologize for last time and admit that I'm wrong and damn that feels good! I should do this more often.

So this morning I texted him:

Me: Hey I know that's a week later but better than never, I'm sorry I was bitchy last time. J: Lol, you weren't bitchy...It was me just being irritable. Anyway, don't worry about it.

When I saw this, I was so touched that I wanted to cry. I wasn’t expecting him to say anything like that. Most people would’ve said "Oh well, it's okay", but he took the blame instead. If he didn't just say that out of politeness then it means he's a generous person...it reminds me of Kevin. He was in fact not even close to being irritable; he was very patient, but I was actually bitchy. I was unfair to him. I dig so deep just to find his flaws and then make a fuss out of a little thing he says and does. I was really only looking for a reason to be mean because I always feel like I have to be able to see through his bullshit just in case.

Even if I don't know him that much, he never gave me the feeling that we're in a competition, y'know what I mean? But I always have to distort everything. Even being nice is a crime, that's how unreasonable I am. I could probably say that he’s not good enough, not bad enough, not human enough…not whatever enough, and I can probably come up with tons of other different reasons but we actually all know why. Maybe because of P. Maybe it's just me. I might do one-nights, but I don't do friends with benefits and all that. Maybe I didn't know how to face him...

He often says "Hey...but you can guess. You know me!" and I'd go "Dude...How am I supposed to know you?" ...but maybe that's because he's not as complicated and doesn't carry as much baggage as I do. Maybe I need sane people like this in my life. Maybe I should get to know him better...

I was wrong and being able to admit it feels so good!
It feels better than being able to get away with things.
It feels even better than being right.
I'm relieved...and happy!

Fed up

That fuckin P.

I don't even know what I'm pissed for; it's not as if I didn't know. When he said "We'll see", I actually already knew that he meant "no". How do I know? Well, because it's the same thing every single fuckin time...without exception. It's not like he commited a crime or anything like that and I would probably not care if it were anyone else, but I'm just sooo FED UP just because it's him. You don't even know how that feels. It feels like it's not even enough to be thickskinned. It's not even enough for him to have the last word. I'm not talking to him anymore; deleted his number, msn and his ugly face from my mind. He's fucked up annoying. Isn't that weird that I always find something to bitch about whenever it has something to do with him? Wait...it's not weird, it's normal! When was it ever different, right? Even if it was never that different, I'd always think that maybe tomorrow he'll be nicer... Fucking stupid!

You know what? Fuck that.
I know I said that hundreds of time, but this is the last time. I swear.
Don't expect me to mention that dork ever again.

Secret coffeeshop

Yesterday, I thought about studying. So me and a friend decided to go study at that coffeeshop near my place.

Me: You wanna stay in VSL? I washed my hair, I don't wanna go too far.
Friend: Yeah, and by the way, don't get dressed up and shit, there is probably no one interesting.
Me: Okay.

We arrived there, and fuck it was packed. Are people really that studious? Anyways, so we had to go to CDN instead, but it was still packed everywhere. We had no choice but to go to that BS place with lots of grannies. Even the name of that place is gay. We walked in, and waw, there's this cute asian guy who looked like a Japanese celeb working there. Can you believe? A cute asian guy working in a BS coffee place? and why do I look have to look like I just rolled out of bed?

So we obviously didn't study much. *sigh*

Annoyed

This shit is seriously...ANNOYING.

Look, I was talking to P on msn. It was okay at the beginning, but then I asked 1 little thing about him and he typed a fucking huge paragraph to explain it, starting with "let me tell u again clearly if you have to care that much....blablabla", so I was like...what the fuck. And he replied "because clearly u care to know". I was trying to talk to him normally but that just makes me not want to talk to him anymore...Like congrats, you just got the last word, happy? Even when I had the chance, I didn't say anything like that to him, y'know? That dude is too much.

Totally annoying.

Ask whether I want to know first...

...because maybe I don't want to know!

I have no idea what happened to TJ and that's because he disappeared without saying goodbye, which is not a big deal because it was messed up and we were not exactly friends, so I understand. What's not okay is that he keeps stalking me and then reappears out of nowhere and says some useless shit that I can live without knowing just because I said something about him that he didn't like. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to know, because all he cares about is himself and his dick.

Ok what did he say...
The first thing he asked is why I deleted him from facebook. If he knows I deleted him from facebook, then he should know that's because I did care at least a little about him but I don't want to know anything about his life anymore, right? Looks like he doesn't. I know how dumb it is to delete people on facebook, but I was angry. Anyways.

Then he started justifying himself. You know those people who talk so much just to justify themselves, but they do nothing to prove it. I mean, I don't want any proof either, because it’s a waste of time for everyone including himself. So since it's a waste of time...then why the hell does he bother telling me shits that I don’t even want to know?! Just to prove that he's a good person and I have a twisted mind? He also said he wants to make peace with me because he thinks I hate him. That's just totally pointless, because I don't even hate him. I still think he's an asshole, but I don't hate him, y'know? You can't hate someone you don't care about.

By the way, I was eating so I didn't reply.

Honestly, I know that in reality, he's a good person, but shit happens. I actually don't know what exactly hapenned either. All I know is that everything is now in the past and it's not important anymore no matter what the real reasons were.

Live your life.
This is goodbye.

Stupid lies

I don't get this.

Why the hell do people lie? and why to me? and why lie about stupid things that I don't even care about? To be accepted? Or just out of boredom? I don't believe that there's any noble reason that would make it acceptable to lie. Not even for the purpose of keeping you from having your feelings hurt because the truth does not hurt...lies do. Truth heals.

I don't even know what for? J lied about something as stupid as his age. I found out that he's actually 27, not 26. He's not the first one I met who lied about age, and I can tell you what they all have in common; they all want to fuck or impress. It's only 1 year difference but he still has to lie about it, y'know? How fucked up that is. It's probably because he already has an undergraduate degree and he's in his last year of medicine, so he can't really go younger than that. And no, that wasn't a mistake. 2 months ago, I clearly asked in what year he was born and he answered 83 and he's NOT born in 83, but 82. Don't tell me that there are people stupid enough to forget their year of birth. For some reasons, he can remember Gilbert's age but not his'. To make it clear, it's not that it makes a difference to me if he's 27 instead of 26, the only thing that matters is that he lied! I know that's only a little lie...but I just HATE that! Like, I don't even know what his intentions are and what else he lied about. I already doubted him a lot and I thought I was too mean...but hey, he just confirmed everthing. I don't even want to talk to him as a friend anymore.

Really. Do I look superficial enough to care about age?
Anyways, it looks like he's superficial enough to care about that. He doesn't even believe that I'm 21 and not 17. When I showed him my ID, he was like "WHAT?! You just turned 21?!!!" . Yeah, so?

No, I don't club. Stop asking!

Jonathan: Hey, which club you go to? I don’t see you at Copa anymore! Me: I don’t go to clubs anymore… Jonathan: WHAT? Elaine doesn’t club? What happened to you?

D: Hey! What are you doing next weekend? Me: Nothing. I probably going to study. D: Let's go club together. Me: Nah…I don’t club. D: Huh? What’s wrong with you?

J: Want to go to that club opening? Me: Nah…I don’t club. J: It’s going to be fun…Come! Me: No! J: My god. You're boring...

Don’t you guys get the message? I really hate clubs, bars and parties. Fuck all that. I hate all the flirting and the fuckers who “accidently” grab my ass, and all those people who try so hard to impress. I don't need to go there with my shortest dress and highest heels just to hear people telling me how hot and amazing I am. I already know I am.

And if you’re not there to impress, then you’re there to get dicks or pussies depending on your taste. If you’re not there to get laid, then you're one of the few people who go there to just hang out with friends, to "relax" and to have fun, but the problem is that you need alcohol to actually enjoy it and to make that shit fun…which is still fucked up. I mean, if that's your idea of having a great time....good for you.

Whatever.

2%

You know when you meet people abroad who are 98% different from the person you are regarding almost everything? You don’t share the same nationality, age, occupation and language, but you still can communicate with them more easily than those who you share the same last name with? When you get to learn and grow together during that brief encounter, but you can’t feel a comparable change during the whole year you spent at school? When you go knock on someone’s door simply because you miss them and know you don’t have much time left so you try to make the most out of it, but it’s too much effort to just call to say “I miss you” back home? When they are willing to cross an ocean just to be able to spend a few weeks with you because you did the same for them, but 2 streets is too far away for those who live in the same city? All that because 98% is insignificant, but 2% is worth everything? Because of that 1% for the open minds and another 1% for the open hearts? The nights spent barhopping until 7 am with Elaine and how everyone thought we were hookers but we still believed we are the hottest in town, the days spent on a hospital bench with Kevin talking about absolutely nothing and how it wasn't even awkward, the days spent with Krystina hitting on Chinese boys and how we tried to practice our crappy Chinese with them, when Antoine, Eric, William and I woke up at 4 am to climb a mountain just to be able to catch the sunrise, how I met SW because we were the only 2 girls who dared to jump in the cold water, how I met Anh because we were both so lost and then became inseparable, how I became close with Yoshimi because we both eat too much, and when it was okay to say everything you want to say and do everything you want to do because it wasn't a question of who gets the last word nor was it a question of how normal or weird you might be, but a question of now or never, want it or not, no time to hesitate? I miss that.

Another “last last time”

I know I always say it’s the last time, and after every “last time”, there’s another “last last time”, but whatever. He already ignored me so many times that it doesn’t make a difference anymore, so I texted P yesterday. At worst, I’ll just bitch about that again. No big deal!

I texted him the least original thing I can think of "Hey P, how's it going?". Then it was a bit weird for me. He replied and I was obviously happy but then frustrated at the same time. I’m a bit stuck because I’m still pissed and sad about the blowjob thing. Sometimes I think I’d feel better if he continues to be an ass, so I can continue to think that he’s an ass without doubt. So I was like…fuck that. So much trouble for nothing.

Then a few hours later, I calmed down and texted him again because I’ll probably think about that non-stop if I don’t. I want to be at least acknowledged for trying my best in case I don't get what I want and if I don't get a slap, then I want at least a "leave me alone". If not, that's just means I haven't tried hard enough. Here I go “Wanna be my study partner?". I stole J's number 1 excuse. You know what's great about studying? There is no alcohol involved. Before sending this, I already had the feeling that he’ll either not reply or take as much time as I did plus at least 1 minute. If I took 3 hours, he’ll take 3 hours and 1 minute even if he saw it the second I sent it. That's just typically P. Indeed, he took a while to reply, but not as long as I thought. Well, he improved!

P: Aren't you in business? **&#^@*&%@!!! He knows I'm in business, he just said this to make me insist. Me: Oh yeah true, well too bad then

After that, he asked about J, “Is he this? Is he that?” and blablablas...I'll assume that he was just curious.

And finally...

P: We can go study together one day if our schedule clicks. **Should’ve said that from the beginning, y’know

...

Me: HEY!!! Guess who that is! Irene: I don't want to know. Me: It's P! Irene: Again? Aren't you tired?! Me: He said we can study together :D Irene: Like...next year or something? Me: ...

It wasn't that bad afterall.
I hope he didn't mean next year though.

Reminder

开心比苦恼多

笑！

Strip poker at Brian's place

It was okay at Brian's place, but I was a bit moody that night. I still went because I don't like to ditch people last minute. They were 3 boys and there was me, so we played strip poke (they wish). There's that guy, R, who had to explain me how to play, and I really like patient guys so I thought he was cute. I was like "I can speak Mandarin!" so he started speaking in mandarin and I went "WHAT??!!!" "Repeat?" "Repeat again?!"

Here he is.


As I was leaving...
R: Hey, you should call me to hangout sometimes.
Me: I don't even have your number.
So as he was taking his phone out, I said this very fast: "Anyways, I gotta go. BYE!!!" and shut the door. Haha=)

I need to figure out what the hell I want

I know what I'm doing, I'm just a bit selfish. You know that maybe-someday-but-not-today thing? Well, that is it. He's mature, smart, has a future. I can't confirm whether he’s an asshole or not yet but even if he were, he won't be able to mess with me and I tell myself that he had 2 serious relationships, so even if I end up hurting him, I ain't gonna be the one he remembers anyways, so I'm safe either way. I’m so horrible.

Sometimes, even me I can’t believe the crazy and fucked up things I did, but I still somehow feel more mature than most people my age. I'm probably making people's life complicated right now though. I just think I seriously need to figure out what the hell I want and act accordingly.

Ok, here's another one.

Last time, I was on the phone with Baldwin. Baldwin is like my little brother because I can call him when I have nothing to do and he crushed on my sister long time ago. So, I was on the phone with him and I heard his friend asking him who he was talking to, so I told Baldwin to tell him that he's talking to a super hot girl. Then, he wanted to talk to me, and I later realized that I actually met him 2-3 years ago at a beach with people of my dragon boat team and he took stalker pictures of me in bikini. Anyways. Oh and his name is Brian and he's not cute.

That's on facebook:

Brian: Hey can I have your #? Baldwin ne veut pas me le donner. Me: Qu'est ce que tu vas faire avec mon numero? Ta une blonde. Brian: Ah ? Une blonde, moi ? J'suis single! Miss Elaine, faut se mettre a jour la...

I gave him my number. I'm so so so NOT interested, but I gave him. I don't know what to say. I don't even try to meet guys, I don't want a boyfriend and I don’t want a friend-plus either, but guys still keep coming...and well, going too of course, eventually. I'm okay with that I guess. Well, I'm not exactly okay with that but it is the way it is and I won't make a fuss over it.

Earlier today, Baldwin called to ask if I want to chill at Brian's place tonight. I really have things to study for, but since it's the weekend (I don’t have class on Friday) and I need to relax. So why not?! I need to laugh and I'll have someone to make fun of. So I told him "I'll go around 11h and I'm only staying for an hour and a half huge max" and I hear Brian in the background saying "Yeahhh, bitch!"...(??!). My god...wish me good luck.

I'm jealous =(

I’m PMSing so sorry if I’m being a bit irrational right now but y’know what?! I'm still a girl, I have my girly-girl moments and I can be really immature sometimes. I'm fuckin pissed and...euh JEALOUS!!! Yeah, Me, Elaine...Jealous! Okay? JEALOUS!!! J-E-A-L-O-U-S! I swear I'm not a jealous person. I wasn't even jealous when my ex-boyfriend kissed other girls on purpose to make me jealous. And NOW....now I'm jealous of a SHORT and UGLY girl because of...**&%#*%#@ I'm even embarrassed to tell you guys why!

Friend: Hey, you okay? Me: No! Friend: Don't worry, she's not pretty. Me: I know, but I'm still pissed. Friend: I saw her; she's short and chubby and doesn't know how to walk in heels... Me: Oh well, I feel better I guess. Friend: She looks like she's got big boobs though... Me: =((( Friend: But she's really not pretty. [5 minutes later] Friend: What are you thinking about?...She's not pretty. I tell ya! [5 minutes later] Friend: Hey...She's not pretty. [5 minutes later] Friend: Really. She's not. [5 minutes later] Friend: What are you thinking about again? She's not pretty.

Haha, I love my friend, she's so cute~

Usual morning frustrations

When I wake up at the same time as my sister and decide to be nice and let her use the washroom first while I stay a few more minutes in my bed but totally fall back asleep and miss my class.

When I make my coffee and realize that there's no more cream. So I go "Oh my god! Who the hell used it last?" Oh...that was me.

When I wake up early to get my hair and make-up nicely done for once and open the door just to realize that it's raining and the umbrella is in the trunk. So I go "Who the hell left it there?!" Oh yeah...that was me too.

When I decide to take one last look in the mirror before going out and realize that I'm wearing colors that don't match so I go get changed, but then realize that my pants don't match my jacket.

When I’m ready to go out and oops, I forgot a book in my room, so I go get it, but oops, I forgot the keys in my other purse and oops, I forgot my phone in the kitchen and oops…

Tired.

I woke up this morning feeling very tired and annoyed. Everything feels so annoying all of a sudden. I can't put that in words but I feel it. So I went on my phone, and first erased J's number. He didn't do anything that annoys me yet, I just don't feel like seeing him again. I do want to see him sometimes to be honest, but mostly when I'm "bored". So I decided to delete his number before I change my mind. I also erased Bob's number, he’s annoying too. Then I went on to erase more numbers; Sung eun, D, Jason and my ex-boyfriends' numbers that were still in the list. I erased them all. They are all annoying. I want to puke when I hear things like "Hey Elaine, I missed you so bad, did you miss me too? Oh, you're in your bed? Can I join?". That whole thing is so stupid and I don't have time to waste.

I know that’s weird, but I’m tired of everyone!

Eating at Kam Fung

Me: Hey, the guy next to our table is looking at me. Irene: How do you even know he's looking at you? Me: Well because there's no one else behind me... Irene:...and why can't he be looking at me? Nelson: No, he's looking at me!

Haha I love my cousin!

Isn't that cute? My sister does my hair!

Me: Can you do my hair? I want a huge bun on my head. Irene: Where are you going? Me: Study Irene: ...are you sure you're going to study??! Me: Well...you never know who I might bump into...

Small dicks.

Curious to know if Bob called? Of course not. I’m just so not interested in that ugly guy, but I told myself that if he actually calls, then it means he's not as bad as I think he is. His brother is so nice and kind; how different can they be if they grew up under the same roof, right? It's been a week and he might have forgotten or maybe he's busy at work, but if I ever said I wanted to suck his dick, he would’ve certainly, definitely and absolutely called even if someone died. Trust me; I know what I’m talking about.

Anyways.

The realistic version

There are 3 main types of assholes:
Type A is being an obvious asshole to you and you don't need to guess. He will always talk to you as if he's trying to challenge you, like the way he would talk to his bros. He constantly tries to one-up you just to prove that he’s the best. You’ll never hear them compliment you unless they are drunk...really drunk. The good thing is that you know for sure that he’s not acting. I call them the obvious assholes.

Type B is the most common and least original type. He's the type who thinks he is Don Juan but in fact, you can tell he’s really just a loser who doesn't possess a miror. He uses compliments that require zero thinking and he actually believes that girls look for that. Standard examples include “You’re hot and cute”. A worst example would be “Your dad's a robber, he stole all the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes” and he doesn’t know how lame he is. He’s tries to be type C but fails badly. I call them the amateurs.

Type C is the rarest and understands women more than type A and type B, so he uses that to his advantage. He does all kind of things that would make you think that he cares. What really sets him apart from the rest is that, he would try to get in touch with the deeper side by saying things such as “You are just fronting, I know you’re actually a very warm person” or “I know you can love someone for a long time even if you don’t show it”. I’m not making those up. The one who actually said those craps to me is TJ. He’s really a professional asshole and I only met one up to now.

I feel most comfortable around type A because I know they will not stab me in the back; they will just do it in my face. On the other hand, when someone is too nice and perfect, chances are that they are type C. I remember J said this to me last time: “I know what kind of girl you are; you are the kind of girl who doesn’t like to play games”. I think most girls when they hear this would melt and think that the guy actually has a brain and that he’s not an asshole and blablablas. But hold on second and think about it, he’s for sure in a winning position by saying this because he can basically apply that to any girls and it would work 95% of the time because no one really likes to play games unless they are super immature. If you know it, then he probably knows it too, but he thinks you don't know. That smells like a type C to me. Just the fact that him and Bob know each other already kind of scares me.

Bob texted me on Friday and I know him and J were actually at the same engagement party. I don't think Bob would text me out of nowhere after 2 months. Someone or something must have provoked him. So on Saturday I asked J about it:

Me: Did you talk to Bob? J: Yeah I actually saw him yesterday. Me: I mean...did you talk about me? J: Oh...well not really.

Not really? Not really but yes? or Not really and no? If he really didn't, he would've said no, right?! I also remember once, he said he talks to his friends about me. I don't know if Bob is included and I don't know how close they are. He claims that he's not close with Bob but I know they play squash and poker together. And at the same engagement party? Fishy, isn't it? Also, I feel like he is using "studying" as an excuse. He always says he wants to study with me, but he always comes up with something else last minute, such as "I didn't bring my books, so let's drink" or "I don't want to bore you on a saturday so let's do something else" so we never really study.

Conclusion: There are 2 possibilities:
A. I’m right and he’s a failed type C.
B. I think too much and he’s innocent.

You know how curious I am.

Bob reappears

I know it looks like there's a different guy every few days, but that's not my fault. I didn't do shit.

So Bob reappeared after 2 months. That’s the guy who knows both P and J. See? That’s how small the world is. I think he texted me because I texted his brother few days ago and he's jealous. I miss his brother, he’s really nice and seemed like a genuine person. Contrarily, Bob gave me the impression that he wants to get laid and he really tries too hard. I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad person, because that’s not fair and I don’t know him well. He could be thinking that I’m a total slut too, y’know.

Bob: Are you alive? **You know when they waste so much time to ask you so many questions but that’s not even what they want to know? Me: Duhhh u forgot about me Bob: What are you up to? **Who cares about that. Me: I'm just studying u? Bob: I'm eating Bob: What are you gonna do tonight? **Uh no, that’s not the real question either. Me: Study Bob: Boring Bob: Are we ever gonna meet? I thought you forgot about me **Finally! Here’s what he really wants to know. Me: What do you wanna do? **I didn’t want to be mean and I thought maybe we can hangout just normally without “extras”. Bob: Anything! **Ok, he’s the one who wants to hangout but I’m the one who has to think about something to do? That doesn’t make sense to me.

I decided to just call him because I was really studying and I just hate it when people send me unimportant txts every 2 minutes. Like, can’t you just call and finish what you have to say?!

Bob: Sorry can't pick up still at dinner **Since when do people have dinner at 10h45 at night?! Me: Well call me later Bob: Are you in downtown? Me: I'm home Bob: Oh ok Bob: Next time? **Sleeping already! Bob: Huh????? **Zzzzzz Bob: Sleeping? **You know why he calls himself Bob? Because he’s scared that girls will go crazy over him if they know his real name. Look who’s after who right now. tsk tsk.

The next morning…
I could just lead him on if I had nothing to do. But yeah, like my sister would say; "Be nicer Elaine!". So I decided to make it clear and not waste everybody's time even if that's not as fun.

Me: Yeah I was sleeping. Call me earlier if you wanna hangout but if you wanna get laid then forget about it now **Haha, he’s gonna so fall in love with this. Bob: Haha well hangout. I got something tonight I'll call you next week **He was probably thinking "What the fuck. Of course I wanted to get laid but now I won't call you for sure but I'll still try to sound like a polite guy so you won't be able to ruin my reputation."

What a funny guy.
Don't call me, please!!!

Now I'm rude

J told me to call him, so I did. I called and just directly asked if he wanted to study or not....and he thought I were being rude. How rude is that? The reason I don't say useless crap like "What did you do on the weekend?" or "What are you doing now?" is only because he gives me the impression that he's a busy person so I tried to make it short. That's why...but that's apparently rude?!?!

What J wants

J: What u up to this weekend? Me: Studying just as usual. What about u? J: Studying too. Call me saturday, we can maybe meet up to study together.

Hmm...
Why am I the one who has to call if he's the one who wants to meet up.
Why a Saturday?
If we meet up, are we really going to study?
We don't go to the same school and not in the same program so if we meet up, we just going to sit next to each other and do our own stuff. For how much you bet he doesn't only want to study?

I’m a girl, so sometimes I tend to over-think. I feel like he might be expecting something from me. I don't mind chilling with him once in a while ,but nothing more, y'know.

There are at least 4 reasons why I think that.

Reason #1: He justified himself after I said that he must be bringing different girls home everynight because I saw he had a box of condoms at home. I was pretty much just teasing him; I actually don’t care about that. Not right after, but he later said this to me:

J: I know what you're thinking Me: Like what? J: You're wondering if I bring girls home. I don't. **No, you’re not good at mind-reading. Me: Y'know what? I really don't care **I mean it.

Like, why the hell does he have to tell me that? That seems like he cares about what I think.

Reason #2: He texted me the day after and he was actually in Toronto for a conference. I’ll tell you what. Maybe it’s because I only know so many assholes, but most guys won’t do that if they want nothing to do with you. They would just run as far as possible or they might give you a booty call next time they get bored. Yep.

Reason #3: He tells me enough time in advance when he wants to do something with me. I know guys who only give me the shortest notice possible, believe it or not. Such as "Come grab a beer with me downtown" or "Bring your ass to Copa" and those guys do that mostly (not all the time obviously, I do that sometimes too) because they think of you as their filler chick.

Reason #4: You know when there are some guys that talk more than girls but right after they got what they want, you're not even able to squeeze one word out of their mouth? Well, he wasn't that type.

Does it look like I think too much?

十句话的第一句

如果我們之間有1000步的距離
你只要跨出第1步
我就會朝你的方向走其餘的999步

A, B, C, D, E and P

I swear I try to not think about him and I do go out with other guys to change ideas. It kind of works sometimes. I only enjoy bitching about the pathetic ones but some of them are actually pretty nice. They are mature, know what they want and take initiatives, go to university, have a job (not those jobs you can get with a DES or DEC, you know what I mean) and are not bad-looking either...

I’d ask my cousin what he thinks about A, B, C, D and E and he’d tell me that they are all 10 times better than P. I think he’s right too. The thing is even if they are nice…they are boringly too nice. Some take everything I say so seriously that I have to tell them it’s a joke every single time. Some are so sweet that I wonder from which drama they stole their lines. Some are kind but we don’t have much to talk about. Some others compliment me the same way over and over again and it just gets boring. Some are older and know what they want but hey, I’m only 21 and I just wanna have fun. But I appreciate the fact that they at least try.

In contrast, P just doesn't care and is probably hitting on some "hot" chicks right now. He doesn't even say hi anymore when he sees me. The only nice thing he ever said in his life was probably that I'm not fat...and that I have nice legs...but that’s a bit of a perverted compliment. I used to tell him that he was the hottest Asian in Montreal. In reality, he’s nothing close. He doesn’t have the most handsome face, he doesn’t have the most built body, he’s not the tallest, not the smartest and way too far from being the kindest…but I just can’t stop thinking about his cocky face. A lots of time, I’d start giggling to myself out of nowhere because of some stupid stuff he did or said. Then, J thinks I'm retarded, D thinks it’s cute and Sung eun thinks I'm a psycho. I tell Jason the truth just to piss him off. I don’t know how I do that…it's not like I talk to him or anything, y’know. I actually don't even know if he's still alive.

I absolutely don’t know what the hell I want.
That’s just TOTALLY annoying.

Some people don't know how old they are

"C'mon, talk to me...Why are you ignoring me? What did I do to you?"
Man, are you really wondering why?

Everything he does is sitting at home with a coffee in front of his screen and going out in the evening with his friends. Every single fucking day. His excuse for not working is that pressure is bad for his health. Well maybe you should start smoking less and staying out less late. Today, he said to my mom that the reason I’m not talking to him is because I'm trying to prove that I’m better than him and all that crap. Dude, are you serious? I didn’t even think about anything close to that. He probably arrived to that conclusion because he does the same things everyday so he naturally thinks about the same shits over and over again too. That guy really has too much imagination and too much time to waste.

...and now he just left. Can someone tell me what kind of person goes out at that time (it's almost midnight)? I mean, does he know how old he is?

All the bad stuff...

1-I failed Tax again.

2-I need to say that P is gay because he doesn't call me...and it's been fuckin 3 weeks since he texted me last time. Why the hell did he say "next time" if he ain't gonna call again, right?! He's just...gay.

3-So I was writing my exam and suddenly, a phone rang. I knew it was mine even if I thought I turned it off. But you know what you should do in case that happens to you? Just pretend to be innocent.

4-I HATE sitting next to guys in the library. They just breathe so heavily and they make so much random noice that I can't help but wonder if they are trying to get my attention.

5- The strange pattern: All the good people go to Vancouver and the bad ones stay in Montreal. Haven't you noticed?

*Facebooking*

*Stalking*

*Shit-talking*

*Eating*

Oh my god, I studied so hard today!

My dramaless life

My life has been dramaless lately, so it's good that D called because I desperately needed something to get angry over.

D: What are you doing? Me: Library. What do you want? D: You going to club tonight? **Do I sound like I want to club? Me: No, I'm studying. D: but we're saturday... **So? Me: I know. What do you want? **Maybe I was hallucinating, but I kinda heard some guy in the background imitating my "What do you want?". What a bunch of lifeless kids. D: Nothing, I'll call you later. Me: Don't. I'll be in the library later too. D: I meant tomorrow. Me: I'll be in the library tomorrow too. D: ...Okay. **Disappointed yet? yes? great.

I'm totally bored

Geez I'm so childish!



Guess who sucks dicks.



My second home...sort of.



That cat loves me so much that he (or maybe she) comes by everyday. He's very handsome. Like really.



My sister telling me to shut up

It's not my fault if he texts me

Okay, don't freak out. It's not my fault if he texts me.

J: Hey, Had a good time with u yesterday. Sorry if I got u in trouble with ur mom.

Awh...he took the time to text me. How sweet!

*2 minutes later*

What a player, what the hell does he want?!

Tail: We drink at my place

J: I'll help you with your exam. Me: Ok, but I'll put the blame on you if I fail. J: Alright, it will be my fault. Me: But if I pass, that's because I'm smart. J: Right.

So last night, J and I wanted to study together, but he was busy until late, so we decided to just chill instead. He came up with 2 choices. The first one is just to drink at his place and the second choice would be to drink at the casino. Okay, I didn’t necessarily think that he planned to fuck me, but if we drink at his place, we will obviously not going to only drink. Duh!

We couldn’t decide, so he flipped a coin.
If it’s head: We go to the casino
If it’s tail: We go to his place
*flip*…It’s tail! Geez are both sides tail? That could be a good trick (I’m just saying this for you boys).

Me: What was tail? **just trying to be innocent. J: Ok, let’s redo this. **See? He could’ve just reminded me that tail means we’re going to his place, but he didn’t. That’s why I thought that he didn’t only come out because he wanted to sleep with me. Well, he could be trying to act nice too though.

I flipped it again and as clumsy as I am, I lost the coin. So we ended up at his place.

At the beginning, I was sitting on a chair and he was sitting on the bed. Then, he told me to sit on his bed so we can whisper because his roommates are sleeping. Alright, I’m sorry but I just find that so funny. He sounds all innocent, but it somehow seems so well-planned at the same time. Don’t you guys think so too? Or do I have a dirty mind?

Well you can guess what happened next.

I always thought that kind of thing will never end up anywhere if I sleep with a guy before even knowing him and liking him at least a little. You know what I mean? Like, it's pretty hard to learn to know someone when you already saw what that person looks like without clothes. Well I'm not saying it's impossible, it's just difficult. So I’m pretty much just whatever. I’m not calling him and I'm not expecting to see him again.

I deserve better

Sometimes, I try too hard for people I like. I want them to like me back, obviously. But whenever they start liking me, I’d ditch them. At the end of the day, all I really wanted is just to prove to myself that I can have whatever I want. That's just very addictive. Even if I sincerely liked them, there will still be that feeling of anger and revenge building up inside me because that would somehow remind me of incidents in the past. However, there are people who seriously never did anything wrong to me, but the fact that they take it as an invitation to be a total ass when I'm nice to them, it makes me want to stab them when they let their guards down. In the end, even if I tried to be honest and nice to them, it still unconsciously becomes acting. I think that’s the primary reason why all my relationships ended with a huge mess and bitter feelings… on their side obviously. On my side, it was like a routine.

The only exception is Kevin. He was honest and never asked me to do anything for him. But I would do anything for him, if he asked. I really would. He is the most generous giver. That meant a lot for me.

My cousin and I were talking about something that I did. It’s nothing so wrong I guess, but I wasn’t totally honest. I will not talk about it in this post. That's not the point. Maybe later.

Me: Am I too mean? Nelson: Well...no you didn’t do anything that wrong. Me: I know but still... Nelson: No don't worry, you're already less mean compared to before. Me: Huh? Before what? Nelson: Before you went to study abroad. Me: I was mean before? Nelson: Haha yeah! Now you're more open.

That assured me that it was the best decision I made. Just to be able to look at my life from far and realise that I can change. People always grow and change for the better. Kevin and many people I met influenced me and helped me become a better person, so I tried to be honest and openhearted to people around me as well. Unfortunately, even if I changed, people around me didn’t change at the same pace as I did. That made me feel like I was a total different breed. What can I do except leaving them behind, right? I'm not going to stoop to their level just to gain their affection. No one will be able to say that I'm being heartless and capricious; I already did what I could. I really tried my best and I have no regrets.

If they want to act like they don't care, just let them. Are you going to let them take you for granted? Are you going to wait until the day they realise what they've lost? If they can't pull their heads out of their ass, I mean what else can you do, right? You tried, now just say "Fuck it". That's the right thing to do.

I just feel like I’m on the right track for something better.
I deserve it.

Updates 22/10/09

1-I studied the whole week for Acco 310 because I thought the exam is tomorrow, but I totally messed up. It's next week!

2- I went to school today just to realise that class is cancelled. I don't get why they send notice just 15 minutes before class. So stupid.

3- It's painful to go around the shopping mall and to not be able to buy anything. I probably need a job, or a sugar daddy, or the winning numbers of the 649.

4- I don't fit in my jeans anymore, but I can't stop eating either.

5- Everything is chill and I'm good. Actually I'm a bit excited, I'll tell you guys why later =)

My negative dad

Today, he said this to me:
"If you keep talking like that to me, I'll kill you"
"You should be fucking happy that I even talked to you, motherfucker"
"How would you feel if your future daughter treated you like this?"
"Well, she won’t because I won’t treat her the way you treated me"
"No one will ever love you like I do and when I die, you’ll regret it"
"..." I actually didn't even say any of that mean stuff. I have the right to think whatever but I really didn’t say anything because I know he'll feel hurt if I really did. He didn’t care though; he actually said all these shits to me.

Do many parents want their daughter to die? I know he was angry, but that doesn’t change the fact that his words will still affect me and I’ll remember them. Even the strongest person won't be able to endure those hateful comments from their dad on a continuous basis and still be all like "Hahaha, I'm so fuckin happy"...and I'm just a very average girl y'know, I really can't cope with that.

He would seriously verbally abuse me and then the next day he would ask me why I'm ignoring him. After a while, I would naturally start talking to him again, right? I mean, he's my dad and I feel bad when I see he's getting older everyday. I'd start wondering if I'm too harsh. I do this for my mom too because I know she doesn't want to see this. She always says "No matter how wrong he is, he is still your dad". But as soon as I forgive him, he would start it over and over again. The cycle just keeps repeating and he doesn't really learn from it. I'm only his daughter, not his punching bag. I'm tired of this, so I just stopped trying. I'm really not the kind of person who gives up that easily, especially not on someone who's my family, but that shit is not recent. It's been from the day I started to understand what was going on around me. There is another reason too, but I'm not going to talk about that. He's my dad, but so what? Did you know that blood ties are not as important as emotional ones? That's why people adopt.

That's ancient history but when I was still a teen, I had to see a psychologist on a regular basis. One day, the psychologist asked "Elaine, if you had a magic stick, what would you want to do with it?" I didn't understand why she was asking me that question, but now I know that she was trying to figure out the source of all that trouble. I told her that I wanted to make my dad disappear. I'm really a savage for being able to say something like this, but I didn't lie. "Daddy" is nothing more than a title like "Mister" for me.

I used to count how many times he tells me "I'll kill you" "You should die" "No one loves you" and blablabla, but I lost count.

...and please. I’m not a negative person. I love my life and I'm a very happy person in general, really. You know I never complain, right? Okay, maybe I’ll complain about my broken nails, messy hair and stupid boys once in a while, but that’s it. You'll never hear me say "My life sucks" or anything that sounds close. I love life and I'm thankful for what I have because I really tried hard to gain that self-confidence and to be able to look at things from a brighter angle. I wasn't born with that. It just sucks that I still have to take negative and hateful verbal attacks all the time...and from no one but my dad. When is this going to stop.

@Library

=(

Move on

Last night, J wanted to drink. I told him I won’t be able to stay out late because I have an exam the next day (today), which is true, I do have exams on Saturdays. So he suggested we go drinking another time. Ok fine. Few minutes later, he texts me because he had nothing to do and insisted we still go drink and leave early. I was thinking…Geez does he want to see my so badly or what? Maybe he’s trying to get in my pants? Yeah, that must be it. Then he goes, “Just an idea, but do you want to bring study stuff and we can do work at a coffee shop?”. Oh waw, did I misheard? Well, that’s different for once. However, I didn’t want to study so we still followed our original plan. When we walked in that bar, or restaurant, or whatever it is, you’re not going to believe who I saw. I saw P! I was like…oh gosh, how is that even possible?! Should I get up and leave? Or maybe should I say "Hi" or something? But he ignored me, so I guess not.

In the end, I thought I should at least go say "Hi" like a grownup. Just a "Hi", I won’t die from it, right?! And he’s going to think that I’m being snobby if I don’t. So I went ahead, said hi and sat beside while J went to pay the bill. His friends were staring at me and they were probably wondering why the hell that random girl sat at their table. It made me so nervous that I just grabbed his cellphone and made a random comment, out of nowhere. Oh my god, kill me. He said he didn't see me, so I'll just assume that he didn't ignore me on purpose. When J was done, we left.

P haven’t called since last week and something tells me he will not call. I was about to delete his number (again). I don’t want to see his number and start debating whether I should call or not. Actually, you know what I want to do? I want to just call him, and ask him for a clear and neat answer. By that I mean, I just want to hear a yes or a no; I don’t want to hear other useless crap. I know it will be hella awkward if I really do this, but that’s still better than wasting my time. How simple was it back in elementary school, right?! Pass a note saying “Do you like me?” to the guy you like and he’d only have the choice between circling Yes or No. You’d either date him or move the fuck on. P could seriously come up with the lamest shit and I’d still say yes, y'know, yet he doesn’t. That guy doesn't fuckin care, does he?! I really need to move on.

By the way, I'm not saying that I will go out with some random guy in case nothing happens with P. That leads to failure for sure and I'm not really excited about dating in general. In fact, I'm totally happy with my single and flirty lifestyle. No stress, no worries, no hassle. You already know how conceited I am; I don't have a "void" that I need to fill with some guy, see? So that's not the point. The point is that, I like P, I really do for some absurd reasons (he knows it...unless he's a retard), but by now, I'm convinced that I definitely and absolutely need to stop thinking about him and just move on...That's what I meant. J and the other A, B, C, D, Es are totally unrelated things.

I need to be realistic.
I need to stop wasting my time.

Only my dad loves me that much

Look at you. Seriously, what do you want? What the hell did I do to deserve a daughter like you? You’re hopeless. That day, the way you stared at me on the staircase, I already knew you were hopeless. Your mom and I are the only ones who can stand your savage attitude. Everyone else hates you! Did you hear that? People like you don't have friends because EVERYONE HATES YOU! I know you're not listening, but one day you'll know I'm right. It wouldn't make a difference even if you died. Really, you should die. You piece of trash- From my dad.

Reminder

Corny.
but I like it.

今天的黄昏

是这样的。

哈哈你好

I just received an e-mail from the barman in China. I hesitated before opening it, because last time, he made me feel like I committed a crime. So I was honest and just told him that it’s not possible and told him to move on. This time, all it says is "哈哈你好". Out of nowhere. WTF?!

Does it mean what it literally means?
Does it mean “You're a bitch, and you won. Congrats!”?
Does it mean “I moved on and I'm alright, so maybe we can keep in touch?” ?
Does it mean “I haven't moved on, but I don't want to freak you out, so I try to sound casual.” ?
Does it mean "I don't want anything, I'm just trying to mess with your mind." ?

People will think I'm crazy for being able to interpret this in 5 different ways.
Now I don't even know if I should reply!