Randomness and some Alex fantasy

At first, we were just talking about randomness and one of our favorite movies A Clockwork Orange. Next, he started making comments about my looks using perverted adjectives and how it excites him. You know how much I hate that, right? I hate that because I know that's what I'm all about way too often.

"For some reasons, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds dirty. It puts me in a bad mood," I said.

"Just remind you that you're the one who brought up the little Alex fantasy. Not my intention..." he replied.

Then well, blablablah, things turned sour obviously.

It's true that I'm the one who brought up the Alex fantasy first. For the uncultivated ones, Alex is the main character in A Clockwork Orange. I guess I'm just programmed to talk to guys and approach them in such a misleading way...but I also hate it at the same time. I'm stuck here. It's like smoking; you smoked for half of your life and now, you start to realize its effect on your health but it's not so easy to quit.

I was so pissed, but mostly at myself. I'm just that kind of person always looking for trouble and emotional turbulence. I'm even more convinced  because now, I'm tempted to talk to him again already...but I won't because I know he will be the one who comes to talk to me again first, ha. How do I know? Because he's a despicable man who enjoys challenges.

The first time we stopped talking, I just disappeared without explanations. I did this because he lacked initiative and gave me the impression that he doesn't care.

Few days later, he messaged me this on facebook:

Jonathan: So now you're giving me the cold shoulder?! Me: That's very exact. Jonathan: Ooh Elaine, brutal, I like, I like.

See? I knew he would react this way. He's just stupid, seriously.

Gym with Yeke

Look at that serious face...


Listenning to Lil'wayne's "lollipop"
♥♥♥
At first, I asked him to come run with me in my neighborhood, around the lake. He came here all prepared to run but it was so cold that we went back in his car after less than one minute. Then, we decided to go to his gym instead. When we were around my house, I thought my mom saw me with him and I was so scared. "Your mom wouldn't recognize you because she won't believe you're sitting in such a nice car," he said. "My mom wouldn't recognize me because she won't believe that I'm with such an ugly guy." I answered. We tease each other like that all the time, hehe.

...but I think he figured that I'm seeing other people. "Where did you go last night?" he asked, standing in front of my treadmill as I was running. "Drinking at the old port..." I briefly answered. "With who?" he asked again. "Someone..." I said, without getting into details. His attitude kind of changed after that. Without a word, he went back to do more weights.

Back in car, he asked me if my boyfriend is a white. I'm sure he doesn't care whether he's white or not, he just wants to know whether I have one. "I don't have a boyfriend" I answered. "I'm sure he left you because you're too ugly", he jokes. After that was said, he became more cheerful again, haha.

He told me a lot about himself, like he wants to be the next top model, he wants to go back to China someday and to get into business, he likes to be on-the-go, etc. He says he likes me because I get along with his friends and admitted that he was pissed because of a guy, who I thought was his close friend, kept hitting on me in the club when we went out together. He deleted him on facebook because of that. Such a big kid, haha.

That guy is fun to be around and he's very simple, young and fresh. There's no pressure at all with him. Everything is fun, lighthearted and silly; it's comfortable...but honestly, our conversations are very first-level as well. I don't know.

Challenges

"I usually wouldn't date a serial dater, but I want to make an exception for you." Jonathan said.

"Why?" I asked.

"The girl who says she doesn't like challenges but got stuck on the IQ test game and didn't give up until she solved it... You have a thick shell and I think there's more than meets the eyes," he answered. "You're someone I would invest in."

First of all, I don't consider myself as a serial dater and even if I were, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm just looking for the right one and you don't know unless you date many. One day, a friend said this to me "You know why you fail, Elaine? You're too loyal sometimes and stubborn to go with it. You're too hard on yourself and it doesn't do you any good". I still ponder on that statement quite often.

...And Jonathan's right. I used to love obstinating and I didn't know when to stop. Unfortunately, I ruined many thing because of that unsatisfiable obsession that wasn't worth much in the end. Finally, I had trouble differerenciating whether it's the challenge that I wanted to win, or the person that I liked.

He knows that I'm still a competitive person, but I became more aware of things and I try to avoid conflict of interest before it's too late. He knows that I only respect a very few men. He knows that having sex with me means that we'll be forever strangers. He knows that I'm mean and fucked up in the brain. He knows a lot and I like it.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I want different things with different people and I act according to other's action."

"You like to test people by answering questions without actually answering them," he said. "I'm not asking you about what I want. What do you want."

He picked me up on facebook

I just met the tallest Asian man in Montreal, oh my gosh.

Here's the story, I saw him, Yeke, at a fashion show casting; we didn't talk and made no eye contact. Then few days later, he added me on facebook. If you're too shy to talk to someone in person, you can start online and facebook is famous for that, haha. He sent me this message "You had nice swag, text me your number...We'll talk about it." This guy was so sure that I would give him my number, tch.

I texted him this...

Me: That's the girl you picked up on facebook. What do you want to talk about? Him: Don't worry, nothing too fancy. I liked your style. What's your name?

We texted each other back and forth in the past few days and yesterday, he invited me out to a bar.

Him: It's not awkward, since we already saw each other in real life before. Me: What are you talking about? You saw me. I didn't see you. Him: Are you kidding? You seriously didn't spot me? Do you have a horse vision?

Haha, I actually saw him randomly a few times before but, males models with a perfect face don't turn me on in general. I like men with ambiguous features...and I'm turned on when I'm able to find the right angle to perceive the beauty of their uglyness. That's something unique and precious.

That’s him, trying to keep his phone away from my sight.

I was trying to sneak a peak when he was texting some friends. He asked me if I'm the type that secretly goes through their boyfriends' cellphone to read their text messages and I was like "Yeah". He said that's maybe because I don't have a sense of security...and I think he might be right.

I met him and all his friends for the first time and we all went to club after. His friends are very nice and it was fun. Honestly, it didn't even feel awkward at all. He talks to me like a longtime friend of mine would. He's sarcastic and has a dark and perverse sense of humour, which is quite similar to me and it is comfortable talking to him. He would tell me that I'm ugly and to shut up...he even gave me the middle finger when I said his friend is cute. I would tell his friends that he picked me up on facebook after stalking me for a long time. Oh, he also told everyone how I got kicked out at the casting, haha. I like that.

Finally, at the end of the night...

Him: Come here Me: No! Him: I just want a cheek kiss. You don't do that with your friends? Don't worry, I don't want to make out with you.

Oh, and he asked me if I was going to go home and write about how I met the man of my life, referring to himself. I was like...in your dreams.

Hehehe :)

Goals and responsibilities

I've been very busy lately, and very impatient. I didn't have time to enjoy anything. Every now and then, I'd wonder why I have to study that much, work that hard and climb that high. I'm afraid to waste too much time trying to accomplish goals.

"I wonder if you are the type to rip through life at such a blazing pace that its beauty might escape you at times...but your confidence and drive is inspiring." someone said to me.

...but I'm not actually that ambitious. Ever since I were little, I really just wanted to get married and have children. I want to be an average woman who's not too intelligent nor too pretty, and lead a common life.

They say beginnings are scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living. In my case, I don't even know whether it's worthwhile or whether an ending exists. Is it true that life is at best when you cannot predict the future? Is this what I really want? Someone once asked me what's the best feeling in the world, and I said it's when you're about to risk your life and loose everything...because that's when you have the freedom to do anything.

I'm perhaps evolving and I want to make it up to those who never ceased to support me even when I were undeserving of it. I feel responsible for those people and I want to take care of them...but I feel trapped at the same time. I cannot just go ahead thoughtlessly and be a free spirit anymore.

A little caught up

Someone: You seem to have a degree of maturity, confidence, and determination that is way beyond your years. Smart, deep, thought-provoking; at least that's the impression I get. You are nothing like any other 22 year old. Me:...but people like that are generally unhappy.

Some Chris...

Chris: Hey, so you still up for tomorrow? Me: Yeah, what are we doing tomorrow? Chris: A bottle of Vodka, my couch and Entourage reruns?? lol **That got him on my bad side already. Chris: Drinks somewhere? Around 8:30-ish? Chris: Does that work for you? Me: Forget about tomorrow, sorry. Chris: No worries...Something come up? Me: Well, you're giving me a bad feeling but let's just say that I can't take a joke. Chris: Bad feeling? Me? The statement above? Sorry, I was only kidding. Maybe it doesn't come across well on txts...lol **It's always a "joke", but it becomes serious when the girl agrees. Tch. Chris: My real answer was drinks somewhere...Besides, I couldn't handle a bottle of vodka on a work night ;) Me: Maybe next time.

Haha, I know. Don’t I just sound so innocent?

Some people say there are ambiguous sides of me. I'm reserved and can come across as a prude sometimes but other times, I'm that crazy fun girl. I think that's because I experienced both meaningful and just-for-fun kind of relationships, so I know exactly what I want because I've met so many men out there. I'd rather wrongly shut everyone down then take the risk to let the wrong one come near me. I have my own issues, but I also have a good handle over my thoughts most of the times.

There's a reason for which I don't go out anymore. There's a reason for which I'm so difficult. There's a reason to everything. I really don’t want people to see me as "the fun girl" anymore.

Sometimes, my schedule is a bit upside down and I do forget things. So I missed a pill and didn't realize until the end of the month. Maybe it was psychological, but my body felt so weird that I had the feeling that I could be pregnant. I was very scared at first because it would ruin everything...but then I actually always wanted to be a mom and I'll be a good one even if I have to take the tough road. My friend was like "Go take a test before you drive yourself crazy". As I was waiting for the results, I imagined all kinds of scenarios in my mind, like immigrating and all that non-sense and yadda-yadda, blah-blah-blah...but usually when you think you are, it would turn out that you're actually not, ha.

I'm seriously freaking out

I'm at a point where nothing goes well. I never had to face these kinds of problems in my life. It's serious to the point it could change the rest of my life. The worst is that it doesn't only concern me but I'm the only one who knows right now and I don't know what to do about it.

Whenever something bad happens to me, I turn off all the lights, close the window curtains, desactivate my facebook, turn off my phone and just go to bed, no matter the time of the day...

Stars

There wasn't anything about him that marked me so deeply, except when I saw the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling. Not sure why. Maybe because I had those too, and there's something magical about sleeping under the stars. I feel people like these have a richer imaginative world because the outerspace holds no limits. It made me wonder what type of thought process he has, how did he grow up and what kind of person he is. I ask myself if I liked him at least a little bit...and I don't quite know. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was to like someone. I don't think I did, but I was open to the possibility that I might later.

...but now that I think about the whole situation again, it was at least 70% bullshit. Not that the truth matters anymore, but I can't say it doesn't bother me at all. I think too much when I don't sleep at night...