Roses have thorns

Today I'm finally convinced of one thing: Those who claim to never lie are really the biggest talkers and are lying right there while making that statement. I heard so many times how they never lie no matter how brutal the truth can be and how it can possibly hurt. It sounds so sincere but I realized that this statement only holds as long as the truth is brutal on anyone but themselves. Those are only the truths of little significance because they are not hard to tell. On the other hand, as soon as the truth is potentially hurting their own self-image, they'd lie to feel better about themselves because the truth is not so easy to admit anymore. Then of course, the typical argument that follows is that they lied in the purpose of keeping someone's feelings from getting hurt hoping that their motives would appear to be more honourable. It's actually so pathetic that it makes me laugh. We all know that the truth doesn't hurt; truth heals. It's denial that hurts.

I heard the most beautiful lies in my life and I once desperately hoped I were wrong and over-analysed things...so I forced myself to believe in what I doubted was the truth. Needless to say I regret it and I'll never let that happen again. Roses have thorns, remember this.

PS.: A message to liars: Don't lie to people who are smarter than you, ha.

Plans

I haven't been updating as frequently as I used to and that will likely be the case until year end. I have good reasons though. I've been trying to work on my emotional issues and of course, studying really hard because there's a good chance that this will be my last semester as an undergrad student. Also, I've been taking part in fashion shows so there're many long and boring fittings and rehearsals that I have to attend. In brief, I'm just very busy. Busy but so excited!

Here's what I'm briefly planning to do in the next 24 months, which might change slightly according to circumstances, obviously:In 1 month:-Catch up on class material
-Find another agency
-Drop at least 5-10 poundsIn 2-3 months:-Graduate from accounting
-Apply in CA program starting in summer
-Apply for auditing jobs
-Read all the books I didn't have time to read
-Register at a gym...for realIn 4-5 months:-Take some art, photography or writing classes
-Teach english somewhere in Asia
-Live like a local somewhere in the Third World
-Learn another foreign language
-Go backpacking in europe (and hook up with hot foreigners, haha)In 6-12 months:-Buy my dream car and drive across America
-Start graduate school
-Start working a real job
-Redo my whole wardrobe
-Redecorate my room
-Get my stupid motorcycle licenseIn 12-24 months:-Graduate from CA program
-Pass the UFE and become an official CA (duh!)
-Do some volunteering in Africa
-Adopt 2 abandoned animals
-Start my business and be my own boss
-Write and publish a book

To be continued :D

That day

...I finally remember there was that day; I can't remember which one precisely. If there was one day you didn't lie to me, it must've been that one day. That day, your words were translated into actions; it was a symbolic promise to me. And if there was one day I were sincere to you, it must've been that day as well. I was holding on to you so tight while longing for a happier future. That day, I told myself to change for the better, to stop acting so crazy, to be good to you, to make up for things I did wrong, to learn to believe you…Those were the thoughts that went through my mind that day. I couldn’t express them into words. Words are only a mere disguise of the way I truly felt.

That was the bit of sweet I was searching for; the piece of memory that I was trying to recall and the only I will keep in mind. It's already enough of a reason to let go of the grudge. The weather is turning cold, but the sun fall is still as pretty. I just want to be happy and keep hoping for better days, but this time, without you.

Strangers until the day we die

Although I rarely dare to think back, there are still some of those days I walk around hopeful in finding that spice of sweet in the bitterness of reminiscence, a reason that could add some positivity to the memories left behind. I attempt to recall the good times we had and the things you did for me...but sadly, I haven't been able to remember anything. Nothing that could offset the sheer pain of the emptiness you caused.

While with all my heart I miss you still, I also start to enjoy the idea that we are destined to be strangers until the day we die.

Don't ask if you can't handle it

It goes beyond my understanding when some people criticize that I don't have an opinion...but when I give them my opinion, they get offended (??!). Honey, just because I'm receptive to different ideas doesn't mean I don't have my owns. And just because I don't seek approvals from others doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. Everybody has an opinion...especially me. Get over it. Tch.

Naked and proud

I want to frame this and hang it on my wall
♥♥♥
Shooting nudes leads narrow-minded and conservative people to think in the direction of prostitution as nudity is commonly associated with sex. Following that reasoning, a woman is automatically categorized as a prostitute if she charges for nudity, which in my opinion is wrong.

It takes work to escape the values dictated by our society. It takes time to be able to get beyond the idea that being naked is only for sex. Once you understand that it can actually be for creative endeavors; it becomes appropriate to charge for nudity because the relationship between artists and models becomes another story. It's unique, it's different and it promotes new ways of thinking about the world around us.

Besides, the fact that not many are willing to shoot nudes results in low supply. That means models who do shoot nudes are able to charge more. Those gifted with a great body and confidence should be able to market it proudly.

Not that I want to sound conceited but, I'm probably smarter than those people judging me.

Through my perspective

Nothing stays clear forever. In the midst of thousands of words, some are not easy to say. Showing a world that isn’t drawn with blinding comfort and plain self-interest is something I love to do. I once hoped to offer a new perspective; tell stories and illustrate a world that have my unique beginnings...

...but that also means showing others what to target in me. One thing always seemed to be forgotten: the power gained through the privilege of holding someone else's fear in your hand can only be achieved with their consent. Too often, that privilege is misused and disregarded. Fortunately however, what is disregarded doesn’t always fade away so easily.

The emotions that are hardest to leave behind are the ones condensed into the sharp-edged broken pieces once dipped in your own poison. What’s more unpleasant than being subject to the cuts of your own remorse?...The cuts that bring back the memories of the things deliberately ignored. The cuts that remind you that no one can do wrong without suffering wrong. The cuts that teaches the great meaning and value of basics…

So this is what you have come to, eavesdropping, spying, and desperately searching out your traces in my world. What does it feel like to see through the key hole to my galaxy? Reading my life that you don’t have access to, listening to words that aren’t dedicated you, to always be talked to but never the subject of the conversation? The underestimated delicateness is most cruel amongst all. It must hurt to be so knowingly ignored and to finally see things my way...

It's a world with my own beginnings...
Although not many saw, I can tell you’re not the only one. You will remember me...but you won't get to remember me as I am.

Dumb badass

Okay, I gotta rant about this before I go back to study. So I've been seeing that guy, a certain Ken, for almost 2 weeks now. A little background info; he's fucked up in the head, drives a super nice car but lives in a cardboard box. We have pet names for each other, he calls me his angel and I call him...hairyballs. Whatever. You know what? I seriously never met someone who brags as much as he does; he could brag about anything all day. He brags about his dick because he thinks I never seen a bigger cock than his’ in my life just because I’m Asian...I almost wanted to quirk a brow and say to his face "Relax dude, your dick is just so average! But oh, I have a friend who is gay, you interested in a gay experience?!"...but I'm too nice to hurt his feelings.

The worst is that he thinks he’s such a pro with his little sweet talks and that all girls would fall for him. Yesterday, he was like "I want to spend every minute I have with you...I think I'm falling in love". It’s like...bitch please, I heard them all, seen them all and in much original versions too. Your version is comparable to your dick: average. Sweet talks are the cheapest kind of words because no one ever walks those sweet talks. It just gives me a reason to doubt him. On top of that, whenever he refers to things he wants to do with me in the future (when we all know that ain't gonna happen), it ruins the moment completely...

Everything he tells me is just dumb, but he's so conceited that he talks like it’s the most badass shit anyone can do in the world. That guy probably haven’t seen further than his little hometown in the north. You know what's funny? I think I was attracted to him at first because he dares to tell me what to do...but then I realized that I’m not able to put up with that, ha.

My friends would go “Oh, but he’s still kind of nice…” The problem is that he’s only nice when it’s convenient to him. Why am I still seeing him? Well, I guess it's entertaining...and convenient. I give back what he gives me. But you know what? I just texted him that I don’t want to see him again because it’s not convenient anymore; I have midterm exams, boy.

Then he wonders why I never sleep over. Well because he’s the kind of guy only good for a one night. I mean...a 5-minute.

Sometimes I wonder why do I always attract guys like him, and I think it's because I have the face of an innocent little good girl and that makes me seem easier to control and an easier target for hit and run? I never fool anyone; I let them fool themselves.

Hi, my name is EJ. I don’t go out, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I go to school, I study all day and I only had one boyfriend in all my life...and I'm so intimidated by big boys, hehehe...just look at the picture and you know what I mean :)

PS.: He just texted back saying that I'm a bitch...like it's a bad thing. See how he turned into an ugly piece of shit after he realized he failed? He deserves it and toward guys like him; a bitch is all you can be. It won't even surprise me if he begs me back so he can dumb me. Obvious shit. That was just funny.

Random Day

Me: Why are you calling me?! SungEun: I don't have friends at school :( Me: Aww that's so cute!

***
It was him who accompanied me on the phone when the cascade of emptiness has capsized my mind...and it was me who lent an ear to his yells of frustrations and overwhelming problems.

...I know in reality, we really don't give that much of a fuck about one another; I ain't sorry to make him worried and he couldn't care less that I see him in such a state...but it's for that reason that we always turn to each other. Does that make any sense?

Worth of weight

The days without tomorrows...
♥♥♥

“The things which we fear the most in life have already happened to us” as Robin Williams stated but, his theory is incomplete. If things which we fear most have already became history, then what makes them terrifying? Is it perhaps the possibility of their return? Nietzsche once called the concept of eternal return horrifying and consists of the heaviest of burdens; we drown beneath its weight. I believe this is true. Otherwise, if banned to return, the magnitude of beauty and consequences of horridness mean nothing and will eventually become mere light breeze in the air, frightening no one.

I’m not sure since when or why, but somewhere along the way, I started to adopt that mindset that expects all my relationships to go downhill eventually. I almost fantasize about the end of them…perhaps because the intolerable weight takes away the raw and unguarded moments that I yearn to live. That weight, although heavy on every move I make, is valuable and I still believe it merits the sacrifice. However, worth is subjective and what is seen as worthy is not necessarily what we deserve.

I have always thought it was my destiny to end up alone, living a life that is lighter than air, enjoying the days without tomorrows, taking things as they come, discovering new adventures hid around each corner… all in the absence of that heavy burden...

…then again, I really hope someone is able to convince me of the opposite. I often heard that when it’s perfect, no one has to bend or break, value doesn’t always cause back pain. The question is; does such perfection exist in reality or only in invented fantasy? Maybe there's something I still don't understand and have yet to discover...