I've always loved travelling, looking at my current life from a distance, imagining how my life could've gone in a totally different direction. I still have dreams of flight, changing my reality, live a simple life...but I don't always follow through, and I usually choose to come back.
No matter how enlightened or how many roads I've travelled, that hole in me keeps getting bigger. It burns, it aches and it hurts.
I don't know since when I've started equating travelling with heartbreak.
I don't know since when I've started running away. I'm tired, I'm done, I don't want to wait, I don't want to hear and I don't want to know. I've wondered if this is too good to be true, and...it is.
I'm running away because I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve you and I don't care about your past and I don't want to be affected by any of it. I just want to be happy and free. It might be sad to live indifferently, but what can I do?
And so, I'm running away, I go on missing, and I try to philosophize, to make some sense to this mess...
Pemi Loop
Monday 18 May 2015
I became interested in long-distance hiking after I watched a movie called "Mountain of the Dead", which is about Nine hikers who lost their lives in mysterious ways in the Ural Mountains of Russia, at a place now called Dyatlov Pass. Obviously, that movie is a fiction that also involves monsters, etc. However, it is actually based on a real story. Even until this day, the Dyatlov Pass incident is one of the most bizarre unresolved case in the world. I started researching it and reading books about it, and found some believable theories, but we'll never know the truth.
Then, I started reading another book about thru-hiking, which is quite famous, it's called "Wild". It tells the story of a girl name Cheryl Strayed, who hiked 1100 miles across the Pacific Crest Trail. There is also a movie adaption starring Reese Witherspoon as well. After finishing that book on a boat in India, I became convinced that I wanted to do this as well! Obviously, I will not take months off work to hike across America, but I still wanted to experience this.
Last week, I left work and drove directly to New Hampshire. It was 10:30 PM by the time I got to Hancock Campground. It was terribly cold and dark out there. It was so dark that I could not figure out where to camp at a campground, how crazy! I had a headlamp, but I decided to just sleep in the backseat of my car, instead of unpacking everything in the dark. I went to my trunk and grabbed my sleeping bag as quick as I could. During that short 30 seconds that spent outside of my car, I heard wild winds, trees, and silent echoes...and I was scarred that a bear was standing behind me. After I found my sleeping bag, I went back to my car and went straight to sleep.
The sky was pretty, there were so many stars and they seem so much closer to you than in the city. Last time I saw a sky like this was probably in Africa...but I was too scared to take my time to admire them because I did not want to be eaten by a bear, duh.
The sky was pretty, there were so many stars and they seem so much closer to you than in the city. Last time I saw a sky like this was probably in Africa...but I was too scared to take my time to admire them because I did not want to be eaten by a bear, duh.
I woke up freezing at 5:30 AM, so I switched my car's engine on to warm up. I thought to myself, how the hell am I going to warm up on the mountain? I drove to Lincoln Woods Visitor Center, which is the place where I can leave my car and start my hike. I ate my breakfast in my car, which consisted of bagel with salami. Oh, and for food, I carried probars, snickers, trail mix, cheese, bagel salami and jerky. Yup, I ate those for 3 days. By the time I was ready to hike, it was 6:30 AM. I wanted to start later so I can relax some more in my car, and stay warm, but I had to start because I had 22 km to cover on the first day if I wanted to sleep at a camp site.
I hiked so slowly for the first 8 km, my backpack was around 35lbs, which was very heavy for a little skinny girl like me. Clearly, nobody walked on that trail in a while because there were spider webs everywhere. I saw some huge piles of poops that cannot be from a human being, and I was scared to come across a bear.
I reached Flume and liberty a little bit past noon. During the descent of Flume, I realized how lucky I am to have my microspikes...but even with the microspikes, it was very slippery due to melting snow. Better than nothing, I guess. Should I just go back to my car and drive to a beach instead, I wondered...
I walked very carefully to avoid post-holing, which is why I went slower than expected. I followed the Franconia Ridge Trail for about 8 km to reach Lafayette, which was entirely above tree-line. It seems so close when you look at it, but it was already 4:30PM by the time I summitted Lafayette. I'm not going to lie. I was panicking a little bit, because the sun will start to go down, and I knew I will not be able reach the first campsite before it gets dark, which was still roughly 8 km away. It would be too dangerous to hike in the dark, even with a headlamp due to the thick snow. I needed to pitch my tent at the first flat space I saw.
I started descending on the Gardfield Trail, and I felt the sun going down behind me...which stressed me out. The wind was unforgiving, and my monster backpack made it harder for me to go down the steep rocks. I finally reached some trees...but there were either too many trees or too much snow for a tent. Two hours later, I finally found a little snowless flat space where I pitched my tent. I hiked a total of 12 hours that day.
I reached Flume and liberty a little bit past noon. During the descent of Flume, I realized how lucky I am to have my microspikes...but even with the microspikes, it was very slippery due to melting snow. Better than nothing, I guess. Should I just go back to my car and drive to a beach instead, I wondered...
I walked very carefully to avoid post-holing, which is why I went slower than expected. I followed the Franconia Ridge Trail for about 8 km to reach Lafayette, which was entirely above tree-line. It seems so close when you look at it, but it was already 4:30PM by the time I summitted Lafayette. I'm not going to lie. I was panicking a little bit, because the sun will start to go down, and I knew I will not be able reach the first campsite before it gets dark, which was still roughly 8 km away. It would be too dangerous to hike in the dark, even with a headlamp due to the thick snow. I needed to pitch my tent at the first flat space I saw.
I started descending on the Gardfield Trail, and I felt the sun going down behind me...which stressed me out. The wind was unforgiving, and my monster backpack made it harder for me to go down the steep rocks. I finally reached some trees...but there were either too many trees or too much snow for a tent. Two hours later, I finally found a little snowless flat space where I pitched my tent. I hiked a total of 12 hours that day.
I ate my supper which is a probar, I was scared to be alone in the wild, and just wanted to go straight to sleep and know nothing about it. I woke up every time I tried to turn my body, and felt the cold and humidity on my skin. It was a uncomfortable sensation. I also had a muscle cramp that night. Thank god that I woke up alive. It was 5:30 AM, it was very cold...and it was raining. Damn it!
I started eating my breakfast inside my sleeping bag. Then, I tried to get out of my sleeping bag gradually to get used to the cold, haha, how miserable right? I wish I was in my car! By the time it stopped raining, packed up my bag and was ready to go, it was already 7 AM. My back was hurting, my shoulders were hurting and even my hips were hurting from carrying that monster backpack. It was somewhat more bearable than yesterday though.
On the ascent of Gardfield Mountain, I met two guys who had snowshoes on, and they told me it's all snow-covered until the Bonds...Here's you're excuse to go back, Elaine!...Oh wait, you can't. You're already halfway through now and you're in the middle of nowhere.
I started eating my breakfast inside my sleeping bag. Then, I tried to get out of my sleeping bag gradually to get used to the cold, haha, how miserable right? I wish I was in my car! By the time it stopped raining, packed up my bag and was ready to go, it was already 7 AM. My back was hurting, my shoulders were hurting and even my hips were hurting from carrying that monster backpack. It was somewhat more bearable than yesterday though.
On the ascent of Gardfield Mountain, I met two guys who had snowshoes on, and they told me it's all snow-covered until the Bonds...Here's you're excuse to go back, Elaine!...Oh wait, you can't. You're already halfway through now and you're in the middle of nowhere.
I was behind schedule, but I was determined to reach the second camp site before it gets dark. I did not want to sleep in the middle of nowhere again. If I died there that night, probably no one would have found me until weeks later.
After Gardfield Mountain, I reached the campsite that I was supposed to reach last might, and it was 11:30 AM by the time I got there. There was pretty much no other snowless flat space between the place where I slept last night and the campsite, so I actually made a good decision to stop where I stopped yesterday. I filled my water bottle up and hiked on.
After passing the campsite, I got lost. I could not figure out where to go because there was a steep rock-piles ledges where the spring flows down...and I did not see a trail on the other side. There were no traces of humans anywhere. I started descending a few rocks...but it was too steep and there was too much water flowing down...it just felt wrong. That was way too dangerous to be the right way to go. I got back up and looked at my map, and thank god I bought a compass and learned how to used it...and it was pointing towards where the spring was flowing...is that even possible? I sat down for a long 15 minutes, ate a snack and wondered if I should wait until someone passes by. No one passed by, haha. Since yesterday, I only came across 3 groups of people, and this place was the middle of nowhere, so I said, fuck it. Let's try to go down again. When I reached the bottom, I found out that my compass was correct. Oh well.
I reached Galehead Mountain and then did the toughest stretch of the entire hike on the Twinway, gaining 1122 ft in 1.2 km over steep succession of rocks just seems never-ending. It was cloudy on South Twin, but I liked it. Some people like to have a nice view, but I like it when it's cloudy. It feels mysterious.
After Gardfield Mountain, I reached the campsite that I was supposed to reach last might, and it was 11:30 AM by the time I got there. There was pretty much no other snowless flat space between the place where I slept last night and the campsite, so I actually made a good decision to stop where I stopped yesterday. I filled my water bottle up and hiked on.
After passing the campsite, I got lost. I could not figure out where to go because there was a steep rock-piles ledges where the spring flows down...and I did not see a trail on the other side. There were no traces of humans anywhere. I started descending a few rocks...but it was too steep and there was too much water flowing down...it just felt wrong. That was way too dangerous to be the right way to go. I got back up and looked at my map, and thank god I bought a compass and learned how to used it...and it was pointing towards where the spring was flowing...is that even possible? I sat down for a long 15 minutes, ate a snack and wondered if I should wait until someone passes by. No one passed by, haha. Since yesterday, I only came across 3 groups of people, and this place was the middle of nowhere, so I said, fuck it. Let's try to go down again. When I reached the bottom, I found out that my compass was correct. Oh well.
I reached Galehead Mountain and then did the toughest stretch of the entire hike on the Twinway, gaining 1122 ft in 1.2 km over steep succession of rocks just seems never-ending. It was cloudy on South Twin, but I liked it. Some people like to have a nice view, but I like it when it's cloudy. It feels mysterious.
I tried to hike faster in order to reach the campsite, which was after Guyot Mountain, another goddamn mountain again! By the time I summit Guyot, it will start to get dark and I did not want to face the wild wind in the open summit and not be able to go down. Should I just camp in the wild again? I decided to just sleep at the first spot I can find. Again, it was all snow-covered. When I finally found a spot, I saw that it was only 5:30 PM. Should I hike on or should I pitch my tent? If I am behind schedule for 2 days in a row...it will definitely take me longer than 3 days, and I wanted to reach my warm bed desperately as quick as I could. I decided to go on.
I'm glad I continued because I reached the campground an hour later. I also saw a girl I knew, who was the leader of my first hiking trip. What a small world. It reminds me of the days when I was a city girl who knew nothing about the back country. There were already people at the campsite, which reassured me a little. I heard some guys say "Holy, that girl is hiking the loop by herself". I know...I'm crazy. I wonder where my mind is sometimes.
My socks were wet and it's a terrible sensation to hike in soaking wet socks and boots all day...and when you finally take them off, it's the best feeling in the world. My boots are made of gore-tex membrane, but after abusing them for 2 years, I guess it started giving up. All the water got in when I descended the steep spring earlier...I'm so happy I have one more pair of dry socks, which is why I absolutely had to finish hiking tomorrow, because I got no more dry socks left! I ate and went to sleep. I hiked 11.5 hours that day. Not bad.
My socks were wet and it's a terrible sensation to hike in soaking wet socks and boots all day...and when you finally take them off, it's the best feeling in the world. My boots are made of gore-tex membrane, but after abusing them for 2 years, I guess it started giving up. All the water got in when I descended the steep spring earlier...I'm so happy I have one more pair of dry socks, which is why I absolutely had to finish hiking tomorrow, because I got no more dry socks left! I ate and went to sleep. I hiked 11.5 hours that day. Not bad.
I woke up again at 5:30 AM, the same way I did the day before, in the cold and in the rain. I ate breakfast an filled my bottle of water, put on my cold wet boots and hiked on. My knees started to hurt. I summitted Bond Mountain and reached Bond Cliff. I was so amazed by the spectacular view. It was beautiful and wild, and I was the only human being on the cliff! If I had to choose a favorite place on the loop, it would be the Bond Cliff. I did my mom a favor to stay clear of the ledges, because the wind was quite strong at times.
The rest of the hike was a gradual descent which was supposed to be easy...but I just couldn't lift my legs anymore! The last few km just doesn't seem to end.
The rest of the hike was a gradual descent which was supposed to be easy...but I just couldn't lift my legs anymore! The last few km just doesn't seem to end.
...and finally! Finally, I reached that bridge. The bridge where all began. I was so proud of myself at this point. I got changed and started driving out of the parking lot. I think I almost forgot how to drive after those 3 days in the wild. I stopped at my favorite spot which is Dunkin Donuts. Lincoln is such a cute little town. Also, New Hampshire is beautiful. I almost cried, haha. I turned the music volume to the max and drove back here to Montreal, to my warm bed :)
Why am I doing this if it's so hard and dangerous, you might ask. Why do I do this to end up with aching shoulders, knees, broken nails and blistered feet? I don't know...I'm addicted to pain, I guess. I like testing endurance, and I believe people grow from discomfort. I finally experienced what it's like to be alone...all alone, terribly alone, absolutely alone. I experienced a minimalist life. When you're very thirsty, all you think about is water. When you're very hungry, all you can think about is food. When you walk, you entertain yourself with your thoughts, your imagination and your voice. I started thinking out loud, and imagining trees taking a humane form, trying to grab me with their branches, and spider nets caressing my arms and face, all trying to keep me there.
I learned that no matter how unreachable and far your goals may seem, just take one step at a time, even if you're slow. When you look back at all the distance you covered, and will feel proud. Mother nature is harsh, but it never lies. The Pemi Loop was the best and most humbling hike of my life.
I learned that no matter how unreachable and far your goals may seem, just take one step at a time, even if you're slow. When you look back at all the distance you covered, and will feel proud. Mother nature is harsh, but it never lies. The Pemi Loop was the best and most humbling hike of my life.
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