I've never been afraid to say the truth, but with him, I started wanting to lie...to avoid problems and conflicts. He would always insist that I'm lying even if I'm not. Every little detail made him think that I'm seeing someone else.

He told me he discovered his ex cheated on him because he saw a text from a guy when she was sleeping. I once received a text while I was sleeping, it was a friend who sent me a link to a video at 2am. This friend works in a restaurant so he sleeps late. He woke me up and forced me to open my phone to show him. What kind of person texts another at 2am? Why don't you answer? he asked. I started avoiding to look at my cellphone in his presence. Even if he is not in the same room, I avoid looking at my phone or if I have to, I'll do it quickly...even if all I wanted was to read an article at night.

I even avoid spending time with my male friends because he thinks friendship between male and female is impossible. I have male friends that I care about a lot, and who I enjoy talking with and do activities together, but just have no interest romantically. I think it's totally healthy.

I keep wondering...is it me? is it him? how much can I really endure? Instead of growing, I'm shrinking in this relationship.

Why is there so much dust in front on your front door? Did you bring someone from the climbing gym over? Why are your plants so dry? Looks like you were busy doing something else instead of taking care of your plants. Why is there a measuring tape on the counter, did you have another guy work on your furniture? Why is there a bottle of red wine in the fridge, did someone come over? Why are there so many dishes on your dish rack? Are you alone to eat with 4 plates? Where is your other cellphone that never has battery? Turn it on and show me what's in there. You just received a text, why don't you read it? Oh it's Michel texting you. Who is Michel? He yells at me saying I'm a manipulator and take advantage of others, he says he hopes I get raped in the metro, and I deserve to die.

It's ridiculous. There is dust at my front door because I walked outside and there is construction in my garage. My plants are dry because I'm busy with work, I spend time with him and I have to take care of my puppy. There is a measuring tape, because I want to buy a dining table. There is a bottle of wine because a friend came over which I've told him about...and I knew I should have thrown it away because I knew he would think that, but even for me to think that is a problem right there. There are 4 plates because I don't wash my plates right away, I let them accumulate in the sink. My other cellphone has no battery because I don't use it. Michel is the boyfriend of my friend and we planned on taking a latte art class all 3 of us together. I take advantage of others, but he still owes me almost 3K for the trip...but nah, none of what I say is true. I'm a liar.

One day, my dog was happy to see him, but he kicked him away. He says I protect my dog too much, but when he is angry, he yells at my dog or kicks his carrier, which makes me even more protective of my dog. I mean, my puppy is so innocent and doesn't even know what the heck he is yelling about. He knows my dog is afraid of height and he intentionally put my dog on the window sill to scare him. 

During our trip together, people thought we were so happy together. Who could have guessed that we argued every couple of days. We argued so much that the police came to our hotel room one night. I was miserable.

There is always a lot of yelling, and I'm a generally calm person...I just couldn't take it anymore. It's driving me insane. I hate emotional ups and downs, it scares me a lot...because it reminds me of my relationships when I was younger. But to him, that is passion. I tell him it's not, it just means he is not emotionally mature. He always tells me I don't know how to be in a relationship, well maybe I don't, but I don't deserve all those insults. It's true I'm generally more independent, which is normal for someone who hasn't jumped from relationships to relationships. I enjoy some time spent alone, time spent with friends, and just doing things I like...but I always take time to talk to him everyday.

I once told him that one day, when he meets someone as insecure as him, he will think it's crazy love, but in reality, it will be one unhealthy and codependent relationship. Sometimes I appreciate him a lot. I never met a guy who made so much effort for me. Even though I'd rather be alone during that trip, I still miss the times we had. Other than his jealousy, insecurity and lack of trust, he is a great person. I miss him and I'm terribly sad, as crazy as it sounds. But I know it's for the best.