Quarter-life crisis

I'm not sure why people ask me for insights. Are a lot of people experiencing quarter-life crisis these days?

It sounded so much like Jonathan and I was curious so I looked into it. Apparently, quarter-life crisis can be experienced anywhere from the mid-twenties to mid-thirties, and could last about 2 years. It starts with a feeling of misguided direction and of being trapped in the concept "making less time for living in order to make a living". It is usually caused by inherent inner conflicts, which is quite normal because I believe that people are ambiguous in nature as well as most things in life, but it's those who are not able to balance it out who are most vulnerable.

According to British Psychological Society, there are five phases of quarter-life crisis:

A feeling of being trapped by your life choices. Feeling as if you are not in personal control of your life.

The need to “I’ve got to get out of this”. Realizing something has to change.

Quitting the job, relationship, responsibilities making you feel trapped. Taking time out and begin to discover who you are on your own terms.

Rebuilding your life.

Developing new commitments more attuned to your interests and aspirations

...and of course, it's always a good experience in retrospect.

No thanks.

Clear sense of direction

Someone said that when you have a clear sense of direction, people around you can feel that and will cede the way because if they remain to close, they can get lost in that energy.

I'm not sure how true that is yet, but when I think about the person who said it...it just becomes ironic.

Marco

Mom: It's so weird that Marco asked where you were as soon as he came here. Why does he even like you that much?!

Me: Why is that surprising?

Actions don't always speak louder than words

Actions speak louder than words, but do actions really mean anything without words? What if words exist but aren’t consistent? What if the springs of actions are mere impulses? And what about long-term actions? 

Actions speak louder than words but too often, it’s only used as an excuse for the lack of thoughts and a way to avoid disappointments.

How can someone tell me that actions speak louder than words when there isn’t one word they can carry out? What does it say about them? Doesn’t that show how they don’t have any grasp of who they are and what they are capable of?

…and if the time is wrong, then are actions still right even if carried out as promised?

Now, guess who gave me the inspiration to write this?

“My heart’s been so heavy with missing you. What you say is true, and I don’t blame you. But you’re not just any friends. I love you, Elaine, very much. Is my future uncertain? Yes. Do I know where I’m headed? No. Can anyone help me but me? Don’t think so. But I will hold you in my heart till the end of my days I swear. For the time being I won’t call you but I’ll miss you. Please don’t forget me with hate….I swear our paths will cross again. Love, always and forever, from the deepest and most sincere part of my being. Jonathan.”

People say I don’t trust. That’s because I don’t believe in blind trust but only earned trust…and no matter how touching his words are, how much he must've meant them at that moment and how much I've cried when I read them, I don’t trust any of those words.

There isn’t one thing that he was able to carry out from beginning to end. How can anyone be happy with someone so unreliable? He is certainly there for me when I need him, but how relevant is it at times of comfort? Does it have any real meaning?

How much are actions worth in times of comfort and convenience? And how much are they worth in times of challenge and controversy?

The answers are very clear to me.

Post Break-Up

Finally, he didn't come to bring me my stuff yesterday because he forgot. He always forgets. I still called him just to talk, as a friend, before going to bed. I think this made it easier for me too.

“What are your plans in the future?” I asked him. I was curious.

“I don’t even know. I really don’t,” he answered.

“What would you do if I were with someone else?”

“I would go tell him to treat you right, to not hurt you…”

“You’re stupid. That’s what you’re doing right now. What about you? What do you want in a relationship in general?”

“I can't even think about a relationship now. Maybe I’m not made for this. I don’t know. That’s why we can’t be together now. It’s unfair to you, and to me too.”

 “…but why were you with me then?”

“Because I really like you, I find you funny, open-minded...you're witty and intelligent. I respect that.”

“Are you going to be happier without me?”

“I don’t know, Elaine. But you will certainly be happier without me. Probably not in the next few days…but you know what I mean.”

“I will certainly be happier…”

“You will?”

“Of course. Who would want to be where I’m at now? …to be with someone who doesn’t even know what they want. I hope you know that your indecisiveness is making people’s life hard around you. Breaking up is the best solution only to you, not to me. I think your parent’s divorce really shaped everything. Other than not being together, you don’t see any other solutions. I hope you know that the problem is not actually us, but more like you? ”

“Yes I know, because I don’t know what I want…but I’ve always been like that. I never really knew what I wanted…”

“Are you going to find out one day?...If one day you find out, will you let me know even if I’m already with someone else?”

“That depends on how much you love him…”

“How would you even know that?”

“Okay, I will tell you.”

(...)

“Jonathan…Think about the past few months we had…was it a lot better than before?”

“Yes.”

“…and you remember when we were in the living room arguing because I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend while you didn’t? You said you didn’t want responsibilities and expectations. And look at the past few months, it’s not as bad as you thought…and the future will be different too and probably better…but you will not find out anymore.”

“…but there were still expectations.”

“Without expectations, there are no improvements…”

“We’re fundamentally different, and I’m sure you know there are a lot of compromises between us…”

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Being with someone is to be okay with the fact that things won’t always be easy, and let me tell you this, nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. Also I’m changing for myself, not just for you…those are healthy changes.”

"You actually became a better person...I didn't."

(...)

“The other day, I was an ass. I kept discouraging you, but you really wanted to do it. And you did. I was proud of you.”

“See? I'm always right.” I jokingly said. “Maybe one day, you’ll think of the conversation we had tonight, and you’ll find yourself stupid.”

“Maybe.”

“If that happens, I will forgive you.”

“Ha, I'm laughing through tears now…You know a lot about me. You can see through people… you can see through me, you probably know me better than anybody else, which makes you very addicting. You’re someone I hold dear.”

“I just wish you knew yourself better…”

(...)

“What is it that you always wanted to do but never did?”

“Be a soccer player and play in Europe.”

“Good…”

I asked him questions, I wanted to help him because I care about him and I hope one day, he will know himself better, be proud of himself, the firm decisions he took and the path he chose. His answers still showed so much uncertainty…I think he’ll just have to find out for himself; nobody can think it through for him. And if he doesn’t? Ignorance is a bliss...only when you never wake up. 

We agreed to remain friends, but we will limit our contacts for the next few months and maybe even years. The reason I agreed to remain friends is because I really want to see where he will go with his life...I still have hopes that he will one day grow into the person he will be proud of. He said he will get an education, and get a passport and find a balance in his life...I know he said it in the heat of the moment, and he knows too. Planning is boring but it is half the journey, I said. I hope he will understand.

I'm glad this didn't happen right before my vacations, and especially not after either. 

I have my plane ticket, it's a one-way :)

Butterfly dreams and dismembered body

Ever since I was little, I dream about a bag made of rough material hung on a tree. It is long in shape and dark in colour. Inside the bag was a dismembered body. The body parts are placed in a very organized manner and would, one day, hopefully develop into a butterfly and fly out of that bag.

I, sometimes, think this might be the way that I will die.

Different futures III

We broke up today and this time, I feel, is definite.

We texted each other when we were at work, and that’s how it went.

“J’t'adore.”

“Moi aussi, Elaine. That’s why it’s hard. You are awesome, but it’s us together…it’s the relationship that is difficult.”

“You thought it was difficult to be with me in the past few months?”

“It was great. Really great. Except the other day, which is fine, it can’t always be perfect. Last night though, you were honest in where you want us to go and I really appreciate that. Like you said, we are different and have different visions. When we first spoke, you said you wake up with a goal everyday and press for it. I observe and intervene when I feel I have to. We have different philosophies you know…You’re travelling, and have travelled. I have not. I feel behind in some ways in that regard. Also, we put values on very different things. I know you see it as immaturity…”

“Maybe you haven’t really done what you dreamed of when you were young, that’s why you’re unable to settle your thoughts now.”

“How come you’re so fuckin smart?”

“Jonathan, you’re always the one who lets go first and I feel I always have to finds words to convince you to be with me, to carry on. It really hurts me. This time, if you really think that we shouldn’t be together, I won’t say anything anymore.”

“ I'm sorry, Elaine, I don’t want to hurt you. I think it’s better for both of us if we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. I know you don’t see any other way for us to be together. What you were saying last night really hit home. I have a lot to do before I'm at your level. Go, be free Elaine. Don’t hold back. I hope you have no hate for me as you will hold a piece of my love forever, xx”

Basically, that’s it.

I cried at that very moment, because it's so drastic and I had hopes that he learned something from last time we broke up. It's disappointing. I shouldn't be surprised because realistically, this is what I should've expected. What he said was all so redundant...he's caught in his own misery. I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. 

I don’t feel sad as I'm writing this, and I think it’s because I know that the problem is not on me and it not on us either, but on him. Those are problems that will resurface in his life even if it's not with me.  Also, rationally, he proved me over and over again that he’s not the man for me.

When I look back at our relationship, I'm very proud of myself, of what I did, the changes and everything. Before meeting him, I thought it was too late for me. He helped me a lot in becoming a happier person, to trust more, to heal, to grow, to be less selfish...but that was all at the beginning. As much as I want to carry on, it takes two. He's not holding on to us anymore.

He’s supposed to bring me my stuff tonight. I insisted on tonight, because I cannot let this drag any longer. 

Not even one more day.

Different futures II

We spoke a little this morning and he was surprised that I sounded like I was in a good mood. He said he’s saddened by what I said. He keeps thinking that I’m with him because I like the idea of being with him, but I actually never thought of being with someone like him. He’s nothing like the man I thought I would be with. It’s disappointing that he doesn’t even know why I’m with him after all this time.

So I texted him...


“Jonathan, I’m with you, not because I like the idea of being with you as you suggested, but because I love you of course...but it would make me unhappy to be 30 years old and without a family. I can accept all your other differences and disagreements, except this. I hope you can tell that I’ve been more accommodating and less high-strung than before; I’m doing this because I want to be with you. The reason I’m in a good mood this morning is because I’m not confused about what I want...and I know that if someone loves me as much as they claim, and that we’re happy together, they wouldn’t mind this extra step. But if they’d rather be alone than being with me, then I think the reason is clear enough as well. I’m not asking you to predict years ahead ; you don’t have to decide anything now, but I just wanted to let you know that this is the life that I expect to live. I just hope you will mature and understand this.”


“I do recognize you’re a good woman. I broke down reading...I’m at work. Your vision is clear. Mine not so much...I feel like our paths and visions are different fundamentally, that’s why I wanted to take it slow. Now, we’re at a crossroad again. I need to think about what I want. You’re in my thoughts. I will call you later, xx.”

Different futures

This morning he called me telling me that he was thinking about how much I care about him. “Did you just find out?” I jokingly said.

This evening, he called me and told me that he’s been contemplating his life and wants some change. He doesn’t like the corporate world, and wants to quit his job to become a courier. He would make less money but he would be happier.

“Think about 5 years from now, is that really what you want?” I know that it was just an idea, just like many others, that he would not pursue, but the fact that he actually believes that he's serious really disappoints me.

“In 5 years? Maybe I’ll be happy doing this for the rest of my life. Wouldn't you be happy for me?”

“I will be happy for you…but I will definitely not be with you.”

“Why?”

“I think you just like to dream about being at better places and to fantasize about a different life, but you would not actually go for it. You know, I would support you if you were to quit your job to start something better, but if you quit to become a courier…then I think we’ll have to break up.”

“What about you then? I think it’s a big mistake that you’re an accountant. You have an artistic side that you don’t put into use. Did you know that?”

“I do, but that’s only one little side of me. I chose to climb the corporate ladder, because I’m that kind of person. I like competition and I like money. To tell you the truth, even when I was a kid, I didn’t want a job that I would enjoy doing, because I don’t enjoy doing anything. I enjoy what I’m good at and I enjoy winning, that’s all. I wanted a job that pays very well. People say money cannot buy happiness, but I think those people aren’t spending money the right way and don’t know how to sustain happiness.”

“I agree with you, but money is not that important to me. I could live well with less money…”

“I'm not like that Jonathan, money is crucially important to me and I’m not shameful to admit this. You only need money for yourself, but I need money for everybody. I need to financially support my parents, I want to live well, I want a good future, and that my kids have better opportunities.”

“I don’t think that far…”

“I know. That’s why sometimes I think that we cannot be together for very long…”

“Why are you with me then? I really don’t understand…”

“I really want to be with you and I'm very happy now, but in the future, I have little hope that you will want to be where I’m at...and I cannot hide that it’s something that I think about constantly.”

“What do you mean? Why are we having this conversation? I just called you to tell you an idea that I had just like that… don’t you think we’re talking too deep now?"

“It’s something that will come up later even if not now…I’m with you become I'm still hoping you can change, mature, and what you want will be different from today. Honestly, I want a family and kids in a few years, in 5 years maybe. But if you become a courier, then there is no more hope...”

“Elaine…I have to say that it might never happen, but who knows? Maybe I will change, and maybe never."

“…I’m just very sad because I think when we’ll get to that point; you’d rather not be with me.”

“So you want to break up with me?”

“Should I?”

“I think you’re just emotional right now, let’s hang up and talk later. And you're going away for 3 months, I hope you will take the time to think about what you want” 


"I already know with certainty what I want, you're the one who doesn't. Anyways, talk later."


The other day, he asked me if he should get a ferret...because we saw one at the pet shop and he wanted to buy on impulse. I told him that he shouldn't because I don't see him feeding a ferret, vaccinating it, cleaning his shit and bathing it for the next five years. He said it's just a ferret; he can let it go in the forest. So, I angrily told him that it's because of people like him that there are so many abandoned pets at the SPCA. I don't know how to describe the connection that I'm trying to make with this story, but there's something about him, his actions, his beliefs or maybe personality that don't go well with mine...and it's reflected in different aspects...it could be something as little as a ferret, or as important as the conversation above...to me at least.

:)