Abusing food
Thursday 29 September 2011
If there's one thing I like about Ottawa, it must me the restaurants. They have so many good ones to choose from and they have the right combination; spacious space, great ambiance, beautiful and attractive decor, very pretty waitresses. The food is great obviously but the reason I put emphasis on the setting is because if the setting is not good then everything else is bad including the food...but that just me. Also, people just seem happier here in general.
Wednesday 28 September 2011
I'm on business trip right now. I wouldn't mind if it was in Florida, but the problem is that it's in Ottawa. There's absolutely nothing to do here except trashing my hotel room...
PS.: I'll be working at the Importfest this Saturday as a JVC spokesmodel. I'm so excited! You should all come get my picture signed, ha just kidding. But seriously, come see me :)
Hockey
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Would I sound uncultivated if I said I never watched a hockey game in my life before?! I mean, I watched one or two times on TV, but certainly not because I find hockey interesting. I think the only sports I enjoy watching are baseball and...wrestling maybe. Oh, and I kind of like volleyball too, just because I'm Chinese.
Jonathan will probably never bring me again because he said I kept checking dudes out. Oh well.
Nonetleless, I enjoyed my evening :)
Fate
Sunday 25 September 2011
It used to be something I didn’t believe in but, there was a time when I sought strange and far places and followed unfamiliar paths in search of an answer. "Is there such thing as fate?" I asked complete strangers. If fate really existed, I should be able to find it even in the most unlikely places, I told myself.
I never found a convincing answer until I saw this picture.
That's a picture of my parents on the day of their wedding. The place behind is where all my family used to live. I, myself, spent the very first year of my life there and frequently went back to visit my grand-parents. There was an Italian man residing right next door with his family. He used to offer melons he planted in his backyard to my grand-parents. That man was Jonathan’s grand-father.
A few years later, my grand-parents moved away as well. I also forgot about the existence of this place and moved onward with my life.
About twenty years later, I walked a seemingly unknown path to visit Jonathan's place for the first time. I was complaintful and unenthusiastic; I didn't realize that he was actually taking me back to a place where I spent the earliest part of my childhood. What are the chances? Isn't life odd? It's a place I forgot existed and even at this very moment...it's still a blur. It feels distant, yet a sense of home is present.
Fate is like gravity. You can run as far as you wish, but the earth is still round and you will eventually come back the departure point. A part of me refused to accept. Fate is scary and it's hard to admit defeat, but it somehow completes us and your heart knows. Flight and defiance take courage but acceptance doesn’t require any less.
All this could be a mere coincidence, but how many coincidences does it take for two people to meet?
Today, when I look at Jonathan, everything makes sense.
It’s all written.
I never found a convincing answer until I saw this picture.
That's a picture of my parents on the day of their wedding. The place behind is where all my family used to live. I, myself, spent the very first year of my life there and frequently went back to visit my grand-parents. There was an Italian man residing right next door with his family. He used to offer melons he planted in his backyard to my grand-parents. That man was Jonathan’s grand-father.
A few years later, my grand-parents moved away as well. I also forgot about the existence of this place and moved onward with my life.
About twenty years later, I walked a seemingly unknown path to visit Jonathan's place for the first time. I was complaintful and unenthusiastic; I didn't realize that he was actually taking me back to a place where I spent the earliest part of my childhood. What are the chances? Isn't life odd? It's a place I forgot existed and even at this very moment...it's still a blur. It feels distant, yet a sense of home is present.
Fate is like gravity. You can run as far as you wish, but the earth is still round and you will eventually come back the departure point. A part of me refused to accept. Fate is scary and it's hard to admit defeat, but it somehow completes us and your heart knows. Flight and defiance take courage but acceptance doesn’t require any less.
All this could be a mere coincidence, but how many coincidences does it take for two people to meet?
Today, when I look at Jonathan, everything makes sense.
It’s all written.
Consistency
Saturday 24 September 2011
This is the second time he breaks up with me. He wants no anger, no downs and no demands. He tells me that he needs consistency…but isn’t he the one who always confidently claims how he will never leave me? How he wants me back and then changes his mind? Where is the consistency in that? And how am I not consistent?
Without anger, passion and joy are nowhere to be found. Without the downs, the ups are left inexperienced. Without demands, neither expectations nor caring is possible. And so, I joy no more, expect no more, and care no more.
...he asks me why am I not as happy as I used to be. It’s because happiness comes with a price. I thought I could be free around him but, this is no longer as true as it once was.
Why am I still with him? One of our main differences is that I can find energy from within, while he needs external support. I guess it’s because I want to overcome this and because I’m consistent. Maybe I can change for him, for myself and for the better; it will take time but it's our ability as human beings to change and adapt. I don’t know if that's right anymore, but only time can tell.
Without anger, passion and joy are nowhere to be found. Without the downs, the ups are left inexperienced. Without demands, neither expectations nor caring is possible. And so, I joy no more, expect no more, and care no more.
...he asks me why am I not as happy as I used to be. It’s because happiness comes with a price. I thought I could be free around him but, this is no longer as true as it once was.
Why am I still with him? One of our main differences is that I can find energy from within, while he needs external support. I guess it’s because I want to overcome this and because I’m consistent. Maybe I can change for him, for myself and for the better; it will take time but it's our ability as human beings to change and adapt. I don’t know if that's right anymore, but only time can tell.
Resentment
Sunday 11 September 2011
I originally didn’t want to discuss this because I thought it would seem too dramatic, but it's been causing problems lately.
Jonathan actually wanted to break up with me a few weeks ago, on august 18th to be precise. Is that a little OCD wanting to remember the exact day? His tears were falling like a waterfall as he spoke. It was hard for him to make this decision, I can tell.
I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Maybe because I feel entitled of something?
Maybe because I feel I exert some power over him?
Maybe I don’t like him as much as he likes me?
Maybe I was toying with him?
You know, the truth is that there was probably some of everything.
He once said that he would never give up on me but that night, he explained that he couldn’t see the possibility of carrying on. Even the strongest of the strongest have their limits, I guess? How is someone supposed to deal with so much emotional volatility, right? Maybe we're just incompatible…but if we truly believe in something, would we be able to make this work? Don’t men have the power to shape their destiny and create their relationships?
He insisted on breaking up and for the first time, I was scared to loose him.
Isn't that laughable? And despicable?
He was hoping to remain friends. I refused. "We have to become strangers if we're breaking up," I said. Do you know what the hardest part of moving on is? It's to constantly wonder whether that person might reach out and maybe want us back. If they reach out in the middle of us moving on, all our efforts go to waste. "Is it over?" I asked one more time. "Will you regret? Can we not break up?"
"I don't know. I always feel like I have to please you, to measure up. I have to carefully choose my words to not deceive you. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells," he explained and I immediately understood. I was once in his shoes and I know how hard that is. "Why do you want to be with me?"
"I don't know.” Should there be any reasons when it comes from the heart?
After 4 hours of tearful conversation, he gave me another chance and I was determined to prove him that he made the right decision. I made resolutions; I must not hang up on him and I must not cut him off. I will not leave him in the dark and keep him guessing. I have to embrace the time we share. I have to start believing in him and that we can make it. I really have to resist those temptations to look back on the past; it’s all done and over. I have to move forward.
Is that a false embrace of gravity? Do I love him? I don’t know either.
I went to bed with resolutions and some unanswered questions. The next morning however, I woke up with resentment.
I realized that he’s not really what I thought he was…
He said he likes the good times we spend together but he cannot take the downs anymore.
He said he had to give up on me when he once said he wouldn’t.
He said he wanted to break up but didn’t want to move on…which just doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yes, I know. I wanted to break up at some point as well. The difference is that I never said I wouldn't; I never said I wanted to be with him for a long time nor did I say I would not give up.
I started to regret the things I said the night before. Maybe I should've let this end. In his eyes, we made an improvement and entered a new level of trust...which is the total opposite of the way I feel. I can't really take him seriously anymore.
He invited me to his grand-parents place for his grand-father's birthday and I accepted at first but now...I don't feel like going anymore.
"Why should I go?!" I said. They aren’t my grand-parents; I don't miss them and I got nothing to say to them....but honestly, his aunt is very nice and his grand-mother is so sweet. I like them a lot actually.
“…to be with me?”
Do I even want to be with him anymore? I have a lot of doubts rights now. "I just need time to think through this," I told him. It's been 4 weeks now, and I still haven't yet. We still spend some good times together but from time to time, I feel betrayed.
Jonathan actually wanted to break up with me a few weeks ago, on august 18th to be precise. Is that a little OCD wanting to remember the exact day? His tears were falling like a waterfall as he spoke. It was hard for him to make this decision, I can tell.
I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Maybe because I feel entitled of something?
Maybe because I feel I exert some power over him?
Maybe I don’t like him as much as he likes me?
Maybe I was toying with him?
You know, the truth is that there was probably some of everything.
He once said that he would never give up on me but that night, he explained that he couldn’t see the possibility of carrying on. Even the strongest of the strongest have their limits, I guess? How is someone supposed to deal with so much emotional volatility, right? Maybe we're just incompatible…but if we truly believe in something, would we be able to make this work? Don’t men have the power to shape their destiny and create their relationships?
He insisted on breaking up and for the first time, I was scared to loose him.
Isn't that laughable? And despicable?
He was hoping to remain friends. I refused. "We have to become strangers if we're breaking up," I said. Do you know what the hardest part of moving on is? It's to constantly wonder whether that person might reach out and maybe want us back. If they reach out in the middle of us moving on, all our efforts go to waste. "Is it over?" I asked one more time. "Will you regret? Can we not break up?"
"I don't know. I always feel like I have to please you, to measure up. I have to carefully choose my words to not deceive you. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells," he explained and I immediately understood. I was once in his shoes and I know how hard that is. "Why do you want to be with me?"
"I don't know.” Should there be any reasons when it comes from the heart?
After 4 hours of tearful conversation, he gave me another chance and I was determined to prove him that he made the right decision. I made resolutions; I must not hang up on him and I must not cut him off. I will not leave him in the dark and keep him guessing. I have to embrace the time we share. I have to start believing in him and that we can make it. I really have to resist those temptations to look back on the past; it’s all done and over. I have to move forward.
Is that a false embrace of gravity? Do I love him? I don’t know either.
I went to bed with resolutions and some unanswered questions. The next morning however, I woke up with resentment.
I realized that he’s not really what I thought he was…
He said he likes the good times we spend together but he cannot take the downs anymore.
He said he had to give up on me when he once said he wouldn’t.
He said he wanted to break up but didn’t want to move on…which just doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yes, I know. I wanted to break up at some point as well. The difference is that I never said I wouldn't; I never said I wanted to be with him for a long time nor did I say I would not give up.
I started to regret the things I said the night before. Maybe I should've let this end. In his eyes, we made an improvement and entered a new level of trust...which is the total opposite of the way I feel. I can't really take him seriously anymore.
He invited me to his grand-parents place for his grand-father's birthday and I accepted at first but now...I don't feel like going anymore.
"Why should I go?!" I said. They aren’t my grand-parents; I don't miss them and I got nothing to say to them....but honestly, his aunt is very nice and his grand-mother is so sweet. I like them a lot actually.
“…to be with me?”
Do I even want to be with him anymore? I have a lot of doubts rights now. "I just need time to think through this," I told him. It's been 4 weeks now, and I still haven't yet. We still spend some good times together but from time to time, I feel betrayed.
Body
I’ve been experiencing a distant and untouchable pain lately, impassionate tears and drama seeking rage. I notice a collection of remnant emotional pain in my energy field that eagerly devours every negative thought. Anger swells, tears fall, adrenaline pumps but my heart does not ache. It’s as if I’m unaware of the sadness, but my body recognizes it. It remembers.
Goodbye
Thursday 1 September 2011
I don't know anymore. I'm confused and exhausted.
Move on, I tell myself. It's never wrong to move forward, isn't it? I have a great man by my side now. How could this be wrong?
Move on, please.
The cure for anything
"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."
-Isak Dinesen
:)
-Isak Dinesen
:)
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