55 KM!

This weekend, I went cycling in Valleyfield for a total distance of 53-55 km. I used to prefer being on my own, but I experienced the power of a group this time. I certainly wouldn't have been able to do this on my own, I would've given up. It was the energy of the group that encouraged me to go further and to push me beyond my limits.

I'm not sure if 55 km is a lot, but the maximum I've ever done was probably around 10-15 km and I thought that was hard, so 55 km was quite of a big deal for me. I might have fainted if it was just 1 km longer...and I could barely walk after.

Here are some pictures of that day...

I learned that nature is your best friend. When you're lost, listen to it carefully and it will help you find your way.

...

I reread this many times and I believe what he is telling me is true...I'm sad because my words must have hurt him, but I'm also really mad and I have enough of this. It's too repetitive, the mistake has been made too many times and everytime, I believed him when he said he will learn...when the hell is he going to grow up...

...and personally, if I made a mistake, I would fix that mistake...unlike him, which convinces me even more that he's not the one for me.

We broke up, for real this time...

We broke up today and unlike all the other times, I don't think there's any way to go back this time.

I found him on a dating website, so I asked him about it. He said it was because I'm always meeting up with strangers for hiking. Why does he have to sign up on a dating website because I'm hiking with strangers? It doesn't make sense. I'm actually only interested in hiking and not in meeting guys. I always tell him about it and even invite him to come with me...he refuses all the time. He couldn't really give me an honest answer to my question...and he answered a lot of questions with brief explanations and a "whatever". Knowing him so well, "whatever" and "anyways" usually mean that he's hiding something. I don't have any proof, and I do believe that he never cheated on me...but what are his intentions now?

Honestly, last time he broke up with me, he also signed up on a dating site a few weeks before we actually broke up, which is why I keep "spying" on him. When we just met, he talked to girls on facebook about how he was not serious about us...Yes, I'm a snooper and I sound crazy now...but do you imagine if I wasn't? I would have never known all of this, like a dumbass. He asked me to trust him, and I'm like...why? Based on what he has done? Or based on what he said he will do? Because he never gave me a reason to trust him, although I see improvements in him...but is this enough?

I asked him to either do something to prove that I can trust him, or we're breaking up. He said he didn't know what to do, so I asked him to post a picture of us on facebook. He said that he will not do it because he thinks I'm giving him an ultimatum. Now, I'll have to sound a little childish and talk about facebook, but you will understand why later. A couple of months ago, he put his relationship status to private. Whenever I tagged pictures of him, he would never accept. I eventually let it go, even if it didn't feel right. I completely agree that there's no need to advertise on facebook, but hiding on purpose is a different story. In other words, not advertising is not a synonym of hiding. I said he can do something else if he doesn't want to post pictures, but he has to think about it, and if that takes too much effort then, it's fine, we'll break up. Does he really want to break up?

He asked me if I saw us getting married...I said no, how? What did he ever do to make me think that we can be living together? In the end, he agreed that we shared great times together, but I will not be happy in the long-run. "This relationship is not good for you in the long-run" he said.

I was so sad after we broke up. It was 2 years and a half that we spent together. I miss him so much. I think about, a few days ago, we were lying there just staring at each other, how I can be so comfortable and ugly in front of him. I miss him. How did things end so fast? At the thought that I would never be able to hold him again made me want to call him right away. My rational side tells me that I really shouldn't though.

I went to eat something to change my thoughts a little, hoping that nobody will see my puffy eyes. When I came back, I went on that dating website again. I typed in his username...and I tried a password that he tends to used and modified it a little...and magically, it worked. I started reading his messages to find out what the hell he has been up to. He has been on that website for 1 week...and let me quote some of the things he said to other girls.

"I'm looking for a cool chick to hang out. No commitment."

"Yes, I'm still in a relationship, but it's on and off...so I'm here to see what's available."

"I know what you're looking for. A pig penis..."

He even gave his number to one of the girls and asked her to check out his pictures on facebook. You see? I should've trusted my instincts. As childish as it is, even if it's just facebook, there's a reason for everything. Additionally, we're in 2013 and facebook is unfortunately real life; what we choose to post is what we're trying to project to others. I instantly regretted us. I'm glad I made that decision. I really cannot believe why...I'm still very sad that he lied to me...I'm almost losing hope in the male species, but that sounds too dramatic. He even asked me to move in with him and whether we saw each other married? It doesn't make sense!

He texted me this...

If it was before, I would never have said anything so mean and childish like "Go fuck yourself", but seriously, I'm fed up.

Maybe I deserved this...because I was not 100% into him? That was still 2.5 years we spent; we definitely had something, it was certainly not all lies, it was not wasted and I still miss him of course...but it seems like we're not meant to be.

I will be okay.

Vélo-volant

This weekend, I wanted to try something different. So, I went down to Sutton and tried the Vélo-volant!

...cycling in the air through the forest and over waterfalls, while enjoying the view of mountains and observing nature. It was quite fun, although I wish it was higher and longer.

You cannot tell how tall it is on my pictures, but it starts on the ground and it gets as high as 30 meters at one point.

After that awesome experience, we went for a little hike around the Diable Vert to explore the area. We found a farm on our way. Say hi to my friend :)

That's me being a tourist.

If you like outdoor activities, Au Diable Vert is a great place as it offers hiking trails, kayaking, tubing, camping, etc. I had an awesome day meeting people and enjoying nature!

Botanical garden with mom

I don't really like visiting botanical gardens in general, but my mom wanted to go...She likes taking pictures of plants, ha...

So, here were some of my favourites...

Moving in together

So, I told him how dissatisfied I was regarding our relationship. Well guess what, today he came up with a solution; we move in together.

First of all, where am I going to sleep? Where am I going to put all my clothes and shoes?

"We will move somewhere bigger of course...."

Why would I want to move in with you?

"So we can see each other more?"

Who will cook? Who will clean?

"You're the woman so obviously you?"

What the fuck??

Actually, he already asked me to move in with him 2 weeks after we met, so it's hard to take him seriously, especially because he asked that question right after the conversation we had yesterday. I already told him before that I would not move in with a guy unless we're about to get married within a year or so, and I don't see that happening in the near future. I still have a lot to accomplish before I can settle down, and the way he's living his life now gives me doubt that I can spend the rest of my life with him.

...and how is that even going to benefit me? The reason we don't see each other often is not because we don't live together...it's because of laziness. Why would I want to abandon the comfort of home just to accommodate his laziness?

Not to mention that he thinks that women should do the chores. I really don't mind doing household chores...but I find it retarded that he thinks that I should do it just because I don't have a penis. I have a job too!

So yeah. Problem unresolved.

This is just so unfair

I haven't wrote about my boyfriend as often as I used to, and this is because I don't feel there's anything worth talking about, no matter what's happening. There's no point, it's repetitive, and I don't understand why we're still together. Why?!

Days like today make me think that we're more like casual friends. We barely talked today, and yesterday, and the day before. Every time I call, there are 3 scenarios:
1-He answers saying that he's in the middle of something and will call me back.
2-He doesn't answer and calls me back 2-3 hours later and sometimes, not at all.
3-Wait...I just said 3 scenarios, but I can't remember the last one.

Anyways.

I can't even remember what we did last time we hung out. I can't remember when the hell we saw each other last either. You want to know something? We see each other no more than 5 times in a month. I'm already generous for saying 5 times, because it's more like 3 or 4. Is that normal?

Even my mom is confused; she asks me who is he. Why do we never do anything together? Why do I go hiking with other people but not with my boyfriend? Why doesn't he come with me to Africa? I asked him if he wanted to go on a weekend trip with me, he says no, got no time. The next day, he tells me he's going to the Bahamas with his friend. So, I don't know how to answer those questions.

I'm really not asking anything of him, but it pisses me off that he says that he will install his aircon, but never does so and then complains about how hot it is. I guess this is why I haven't seen him lately, I don't know why I have to suffer in this hot weather when I can just be at home so comfortably. I don't know why I have to eat shitty white food, when I can just eat what my mom cooks. There's not even a clean cup at his place...and then he tells me, why don't you do the dishes? Well I do it sometimes, but is it fair that I have to wash his one-week's worth of dishes when I only hang out at his place once a week and especially when I didn't use anything?!

Not only that...
-On most days, there is no toilet paper, no tissue, no nothing.
-When he's doing his grocery, he will not even pay for my 50 cent tuna can.
-I've only seen 1 of his friends once and it was a coincidence
-When he does the laundry, he washes everything except my only t-shirt and pants that I leave at his place
-The list goes on and on...

There's very little about us that makes me think that we're actually together.
All of a sudden. Am I the crazy one?

Am I actually too much of a pussy to break up?
Someone tell me.

Disconnecting

There is nothing like living a quiet life once in a while....
exploring, disconnecting and finding clarity.

My mom makes my dresses :)