We don't have a future

I finally told Jonathan what I wanted to tell him in a while.

Although I’m born and raised here, I hold very strong Asian values. I like men who earn more than I do and education is extremely important to me. I cannot respect someone who didn’t finish university without a good reason.

…unless you’re a successful entrepreneur.
…or unless whatever good reason there might be.

I know I sound conceited for having said that and I think it’s because most people would feel hurt imagining themselves on the receiving end of rejection.

The worst is that he fancies himself as good as educated and gives himself as an excuse that a degree is just a meaningless piece of paper. The paper itself is not important indeed, but what went into that piece of paper is. It’s all that hard work, patience and self-discipline that he clearly doesn’t have.

…and yes, I understand that the most important points are whether that person is doing something with their life and whether I can have an intelligent conversation with them. I understand this. However, the reality is that most people who fulfill those criteria do have that “meaningless” piece of paper.

A lot of experiences and exposure comes with higher education. There are things he doesn’t understand and I don’t want to explain to him either. It’s tiring. I could feel the disjoint in our conversations. I can’t have an intelligent conversation with him because he argues without having done any homework.

Also, I’m not talking about how much money he has; the deciding factor here is his potential. And I don’t see how much potential he has either. Let’s say one day, I want to stay at home with my kids for a few years in the future, will he be able to support us? I highly doubt. I know I’m thinking too far but I don’t want to hurt him with those words if one day we really get to that point when I already predicted that today.

So, we talked about that yesterday. He was very defensive and here are the excuses he gave me:
1-He said he rents while I live with my parents.
The worst excuse people can tell me when they are not doing well at school is because they decided move out and to be “independent”. To me, that only means that they don’t know their own capabilities and do not know what’s more beneficial in the long run. Also, in my culture, it’s perfectly normal to live with parents and it doesn’t mean that I’m not contributing or that I’m not “independent”.

2-He said he doesn’t have a car because he’s saving.
He doesn’t have a car, not because he’s saving, but because he crashed it and he didn’t insure it. I don’t know what kind of person doesn’t insure their car just to save a few bucks. Now that he crashed it, he says he doesn’t need one.

3-He said he works hard and is very successful.
I guess he’s successful for someone of his level. However, if he put a little more effort in his studies, he’ll be making at least double of what he’s making today. He’s just a little “advisor” with little possibility of advancement unless he works in that company for another 10 years. I don't want to reveal which company, but it's one of those that give you a nice little tittle when they are in fact exploiting you. In the business world, you're either exploiting or being exploited. The ones who get exploited are the ones who can easily be replaced. I really can’t see how “hard-working” he is either, except that he works longer hours on occasions. I mean, a cow works hard but should anybody hire a cow?!

4-He said he’s persistent because he rides his bike even in winter.
What would you say if I did my full make-up, hair and nail everyday? Would you think I’m persistent? Maybe, but probably on things of secondary importance, right?

5-He said I’m not persistent either because I stopped running.
I stopped running because I needed more time to study. It’s called a trade-off. I don’t think he knows what that word means and even if he knew, he probable never experienced it. Even if he ever experienced it, he probably made the wrong choice by sacrificing something that would benefit him in the long run for a “thing of the moment”. I know I’m right when he told me that he gave up university to play poker.

6- He said I watch TV and sleep.
Really? I can’t watch TV and sleep for 2 days when I studied for the past 4 years of my life? Bitch please.

I think he’s really great, sweet, supportive, and caring…but I’m not that kind of woman who can be satisfied with just love and fresh air. Even if I can, my future kids can't. I’m very realistic and practical. He is too easily content while I constantly want to see an improvement. I do not want to be his mom telling him what to do all the time. I want someone who I admire and consider my intellectual equal.

When I go to his place, all I can see is someone who can't take good care of themselves. He doesn't do his dishes, all his clothes are dirty, his fridge is empty, he orders food everyday, he has nearly 50 cases of beer that should be thrown away, he uses my toothbush without my permission which is just unhygienic, etc and etc. I can't be with someone like that in the long run.

A friend of mine, who has similar values, said “In two years, you will have your full license and if he hasn’t improved by then; break up with him and find another”. That’s honestly a bit too harsh, so I’d rather tell him now than later.

I heard him cry over the phone and I feel bad, but he doesn’t take me seriously when I talk to him nicely for some reasons. It was brutal but the truth is always brutal. He's good for now but can it go on like this forever? There needs to be some kind of resolution.

There are only 3 options:
1-I lower my standards.
2-He put his shits together and changes.
3-We break up.

I certainly will not lower my standards so there are only 2 options left.

It's for the better.

Sunday wasted at the Old Port

Goodbye long hair :(

@ iBurger

I wanted to try this restaurant because of its name; iBurger. Doesn't it sound so hi-tech? Also, I love burgers, hmmm.

It's quite cool that you can order from a touch screen on your table, but the screen wasn't very sensitive and only worked one time out of two. As for the menu, there were not a lot of choices but they had some original stuff like...sushi burgers, ha. The food was really just a bit above average. I thought they would have better burgers with a name like that. The salad was awesome though.

Overall, it's pricy for that quality but at least, the waiter is hot.

Would I recommand this place? No, but you can always bring your tourist friends.

Returning to the scene of the crime

Statistics have shown that criminals, who are guilty, will impulsively return to the scene of the crime and places they have destroyed with their own hands. I can’t speak for all, but for him; I surely have an idea of the reasoning behind his motives.

The most valuable talent of many men is the unhealthy amount of control once exerted over a woman. Often, it’s only about finding out whether they still have that ability. Forget about money, power, and respect. Control and convenience are one of the worst drugs to be addicted to. It’s a vicious circle that enslaves many.

…and that’s when I think he’s so miserable. I hope he outgrows this someday.

As for me, I can’t keep myself from revisiting the facts either. We’re all elements of a periodic table that have unique characteristics but when mixed with another, we change in ways that is beyond our control. I’ve never been this weak around someone and that vulnerability intrigues me. I keep examining it using different approach, testing it multiple times to arrive at different interpretations. I, sometimes, even wake up to these thoughts at nights.

@Jonathan's Place

...I mean Pig stall.

What's going on here?
1-I steal a beer.
2-I'm trying to study.
3-I buy bottled water because I refuse to drink in his dirty cups.
4-...and I'm absolutely not doing his dishes.
5-I order Greek food so I can stink from my mouth.
6-I take a picture to prove that I'm not exagerating.

Success

As one of my professor said, the happier you are; the more probable that you will fail. The more miserable and desperate you are; your chances to succeed suddenly skyrockets.

Courage and drive for achievement is a kind of salvation. While hunger, or even emptiness, drives achievement; love almost always interferes with appetite. When someone is sufficient in making you feel complete, you don't need the fame or wealth or success to testify your worth, and thus you don't seek it. You don’t want to work in the top companies in the world; instead, you move to the countryside in a safe home with your love.

…but remember that achievement does not necessarily mean success. No matter where you go or how high you climb, a place is only as good as the people you know in it.

Electrical Storm

You’re in my mind all of the time
I know that’s not enough
Well if the sky can crack
There must be some way back
To love and only love

-U2