After 6 PM, it's no!

Sung eun was at my neighbour’s place because I think it was someone’s birthday. At first, my neighbour called me around 11h30. 11h30 is not exactly late and I’m probably not going to bed any soon, but isn’t that still gay? Oh, and he needed my cable too…which makes it even more gay. He was probably not going to call me if it wasn’t for the cable. Anyways, I didn't go.

Then, around 1 AM, Sung eun texts me the following:

Sung eun: Come please~~~I wanna see you Me: Non j’viens pas, t'as dis que j’suis laide! **That’s just an excuse, I know he's just kidding when he says I'm ugly... Sung eun: Non, t'es belle vraiment!!! Me: TROP TARD! Sung eun: Je t'aime~~~Je veux te voir **He loves me? Waw, people seriously would say anything just to get laid. Me: Je t’aime pas Sung eun: S'il te plait Me: Non crisse, check quel heure il est la...t'aurais du me dire plus tôt si tu voulais me voir y'know. Trouves toi un autre bouche-trou. **I wasn’t going to say this but he was getting annoying…

Sung eun is not a bad person…but fuckin annoying. He needs to grow up.

From now on, male friends who call me later than 6 PM to do whatever that involves alcohol on the same day can pretty much expect a negative answer.

Tragus

I went shopping with Mirlaine to find something to wear for new year and you know how difficult I am so we didn't find anything. So instead, I decided to get my tragus pierced.

Here it is:
It's a bit nasty I know, you can see the blood haha...

Tell me you love it too!

I'm a boring person

I see my friends out having fun, partying and just living life. Sometimes I wonder why isn’t that fun to me anymore? How did all that fun suddenly become so exhausting? Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me because I like to do boring stuff at home and it’s not like I turned 30 or something…I’m still only 21. Even people around me think I'm weird because they all remember me as that girl who couldn't make the difference between days and nights and who lived life on the edge. I guess I still like to have fun, but I became more responsible maybe? I became more comfortable in my own skin maybe? You know what's funny? I was actually very shy and quite when I was a kid, believe it or not.

I told people that I planned to stay home for new year eve. Then Mirlaine texted me saying that she wants to pay for my ticket to 1234 and that she really wants to have me there. I admit I really miss her as well, but I also think clubbing and socializing is more exhausting than studying for finals. But if someone wants to pay your ticket just so you can do the countdown with them, it's because that someone genuinely enjoys having you around. Other than the fact that I like being a couch potato, I also enjoy making people happy and I love her a lot, so I'm going!

Canada: Last day

It's Christmas! I brought her to the Mont-Royal and the casino...and I'm really TIRED!

She's leaving tonight and I can finally be a couch potato =D

Me and my naked face...

Canada: Day 5 and 6

I really wanted to stay home yesterday. I'm the only one she knows in Canada, but I was really not in the right mood after seeing the doctor so I went home to sleep. My mom kept telling me to at least go take a coffee or something with her and I was like..."Why are you so involved"? She even invited Kuniko to have supper with us and she's usually not that nice to my friends. Today, I ran out of ideas, so we went to the old port. Then, we went shopping in Downtown and that's already the third time I go there with her. See? Montreal is really boring.

Canada: Day 3 and 4

Yesterday, I just went to the oratoire with her and then she came to my place to have supper. My mom didn't know what to cook, so we just had hot pot....and I hate hot pot.

Today was a bit more fun, we went to the Biodome and my cousin came along! I feel like a little kid hehehe...

I always had that obsession with fish...
...especially ugly fish and mermaids.

...and that's my new favourite animal:

Canada: Day 2

I went to Quebec city with Kuniko today. It was okay overall, but I already went 3 times, so it was a bit boring for me, but she seemed to like it. She kept saying that she would love to live here and that she loves the cold. Anyways, I snapped a few shots to get myself in a tourist mood...

So, here's Montmonrency...



From the top of the observatory...






That's in the small village near Petit Champlain street.



Petit Champlain








Gosh, what a long day!!!

Canada: Day 1

I met with Kuniko today.

She will be staying in Montreal until Christmas. I still don't know what and where to show her...Is there really something interesting about our city? Today, we didn't have much time because I got lost on my way to Dorval, so I basically only brought her to Chinatown and Downtown. She also wanted to see what my school looked like, and I obviously didn't want to show her the hall building that looks more like the third world, so I just showed her the only 2 presentable buildings...I will go to Quebec city with her tomorrow and I was thinking maybe Ottawa next week?

Look at that, she brought be some chocolate and cute stuff from Japan =)

and these too...


A scarf and some books she wrote...but it's in Japanese so I won't be able to read. Maybe one day.


Mirrors, mascara and lip gloss...that is so me!


Ginseng for my mom. I'm keeping the masks.

Confession

I got a confession to make. About 6 months ago, I found out that P reads my blog and I have to admit I had difficulties writing things and I would even distort the truth to some extend. So I was thinking; what if I read those posts in the future and start believing in my own lies? What if I don't remember the truth? So I wanted to tell the truth before I forget it. This post will be a long and boring one but it’s important for me to remember.

The truth follows:
I usually don’t know who reads my blog even if there’s a counter. However, one month after I left, I found out that P reads it because of some technical stuff. At first, I tried as much as I could to ignore it and to just write whatever that came out of my mind. The only thing I didn’t want to mention is that the one I missed the most in Montreal when I was away wasn’t my mom, but P. I didn’t want to mention it because I tried to not think about it…but how is that supposed to help if I see P in the stats all the time?

When I came back to Montreal, I started noticing that the more I write about him, the more often he reads…the more he gets obsessed. I didn’t make up shits yet, but I did emphasize on things that didn’t matter to me. I did so because I knew he would be curious about some things in particular…like Bob. Bob is really just like any other guys and I mention him not because he’s more special than the general population. It’s just because he knows P. Indeed, he started checking it every single day. I liked to believe that he cared at least a little about me, but the stats says he’s just a very self-conscious person. From then on, everything I wrote had a purpose and I wrote them knowing that P will read. Sometimes, I'd go "Alright, what am I going to talk about today to entertain him"?

I started to have fewer things to say about him because if there is nothing going on, then I can’t just make things up out of nowhere. So I wrote that post where I said I deleted his number and that I wished he’d call. The truth is that I never deleted his number; I just wanted him to call me. Like I thought, few days later he sent me a text message…supposedly to the wrong person but anyways.

Then there was that post where I was actually mad and I mostly post that shit to make him feel bad…but I didn’t lie in it. 5 minutes after he read it, he indeed texted me to go drink, and I didn’t go and the real reason is that I was really scared to know what he had to say. Long time ago, I remember purposely inviting P on days which I know he was busy because I was scared about…I don’t even know what.

Next, there was that post where I said I went drinking with J at that bar and P was there. Everything is pretty similar to what I wrote, except that it wasn’t exactly an accident. It wasn’t my idea to go there, but I actually saw P before even going inside. I wasn’t surprised or embarassed like I said I was in the post. And I was absolutely not thinking about leaving because all I really wanted to do is to PISS HIM OFF!

The following week, P seemed to be less obsessed over my blog and I was less nervous about it as well... Honestly, seeing J helped me change ideas a little. I don’t like to compare people but I would talk to J the same way I talked to P, and it just didn’t work. J took everything I say seriously and I absolutely don’t understand his jokes. It was funner talking to P. Other than that, J is better than P in so many levels. It’s just that I wasn’t used to that and I still thought a lot about P so I distorted everything about J.

When I said I wasn’t expecting to see him again, I really knew when exactly I will see him. When I said I didn’t want to lie, I never actually meant it. C’mon, you think I’m that innocent or stupid or what? Like, I’ll do whatever I want to do and whatever’s most beneficial for me. At that point, I saw things most clearly and I wasn't expecting anything anymore; I just wanted to make fun of him. So that day, I texted P right after seeing J. P asked me why am I not going out on a Friday night and he thought that I didn't go see J because of what I told him earlier, but I still went. That's the day I was bitchy to J, but it's not totally because I feel bad for lying to P...it's also because I don't know how to be around J. So when he asked, I answered that it’s because I’m a good girl. He probably thought that I was his slave...he really enjoys watching me beg.

It was fun because he thinks he knows everything, but only things I wanted to make him believe. I also thought it was kind of fun to know something that he doesn’t know and to use that to my advantage. There are times he would go on my blog 20 times in 1 day. I always wanted to call him and say “What the fuck dude, are you obsessed to that point?” But he will obviously be humiliated and I didn’t have that kind of intentions yet…but maybe one day if he pisses me off or something...like now.

Deep inside, I really mind that he came to my place for a blowjob. Yes, it’s been a while now, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. I don't know if I'll ever get over that...I don't want to remember all my life. There are only 2 things that make me cry just thinking about it no matter how long it’s been. The first one is when I almost became blind because my dad hit my head against the handrail and told me to die. The second one is whatever happened that day. That I liked him, that he came see me for a blowjob, that I made up excuses for him and that I had to find out that it was definitely for a blowjob and not for me. The worst is that he doesn’t even care enough to understand why I was pissed. He probably doesn’t even know I was pissed and I wasn't only pissed. I can't even describe that. It convinced me that I did right…Like see? You shouldn’t feel bad about anything.

The next day, I was also relieved to finally know the truth and that it was fucked up from the beginning to the end and to understand that he's definitely not my type, maybe physically he is, but that's not what I want. He's the kind of person who's not willing to give unless it is guaranteed that he gets something as valuable in return, not less. Actions can reveal a lot about someone, even very simple ones. When he took so long to reply to my text message just because I took a few hours...that proved that he's calculating. I'm not exactly reputed for being generous either but Kevin was...so that's how things find their balance. I don’t hate him though, because he must have his reasons and I also remember myself wanting to screw him over and I didn’t even know him at that time. I always felt that challenge or maybe secret competition between us. I'm sure he also wanted to screw me over. Even when I knew him better, I still thought about backstabbing him for no reason...but I liked him in a way y'know, which is fucked up. The only time I didn't think about that was probably during those times he came to my place at 4 am, I'm rarely that open to people but I was really open to him and I loved how we talk about all kinds of silly stuff...and then you already know what happened.

All those times I said I’d stop, I actually never meant it and I clearly knew. I always knew that if one day I write a post like that, then it means that I’ve moved on for real. So that was the purpose of this post. It's never so clear and straightforward and even now, I really don't know what and why exactly and I can't gurantee that everything I say in this post is 100% true either...but there is no point in finding out anymore. Yes it was fun to provoke him, but I will never be able to live if I don’t leave the lies behind. I can't think about him anymore. I screwed up with Kevin because of the past and I'm not even friends with J anymore and I will continue to screw everything up if I don't stop. It's like a cycle that repeats itself and I have to let go now. I have to let go of all the bad...and the good too and not be so stubborn anymore.

That’s all!

Fuck everything.

I'm really having a bad day today. First of all, my dad almost punched a hole on the door of my room and the frame came off. I was so pissed I didn't even study after. Then J thinks I prank called him, but that's absolutely not it. He's pissed because of that now. It was already hard enough to talk with that boring guy, now he must think I'm immature or something...and he already said that once to me "Would you stop being childish and tell me what he told you?". Childish? WTF?! I'm not talking to him anymore. I don't justify myself. The worst is that I have an exam in less than an hour and it's TAX!!! FUCK.

Fuck my dad.
Fuck J.
Fuck Tax.

Obsession continues

Obviously, he has to defend himself because it’s the end of the world if a random girl like me says he’s cocky. He's says he's not obsessed, but he's obsessed enough to send me that huge essay just to prove that he's not obsessed. Like, please? If he texted me, he should've also expected me to post it up to entertain others.

That makes me laugh...

P: Haha ej I love you! I’m obsessed with you blog ever since I found out about it couple of days ago :) and I probably will be reading it until it gets boring. I don’t understand what’s with all the hating but hey it’s entertaining! Me: Is that bj? In case you have short-term memory, you’ve been checking it for 5 months. P: Haha suurrrre, but keep it up! Oh btw, I’m not really cocky. No idea why you keep saying I am. **As if someone cares… Me: You are cocky just for denying your 5-month obsession. AND quit texting me, I don’t like to see your digits appear on my screen. **Even if I told him to stop, I knew he would still have to say something about this, because he has to have the last word, duh! P: Haha 5 months? Obsession? Um sure if you believe so. But who wouldn’t be “obsessed” when you find out someone’s constantly talking about you in their little public diary? One thing for sure is that I’m really not obsessed of you but yes to your little diary, about me more specifically because that thing was entertaining. **He’s right, it’s not 5 months; it’s actually 6 months. If he’s not obsessed, then can anyone tell me what is he lying for? But jokes aside, I honestly don’t even know why u are so mad, I don’t remember pissing you off but whatever no hard feeling from my part at least. **It's not like he has the right to have any hard feelings when I never kicked him in the balls or anything like that. However I do feel bad for refusing you several times. So I wanted to ask you to go drink after the exams but anyways, bye then! **Maybe that would've worked on young ugly girls if he wanted to make them regret for what they said and then beg for free drinks because no, he wasn't thinking about asking me to go drink after finals and even my younger cousin came to that conclusion. How the fuck can he be stupid enough to think that I would believe that. Get a life?

That’s when I know there’s nothing worth talking about.

PS.: Please stop before you embarrass yourself any further.

PSS.: You are obsessed.

You are being watched

You know what is an obsession disease? I know someone who has it. That little boy believes he's superior, smarter, and more important than everything and that everyone is obsessed about him. I kind of feel bad for him because he doesn’t know that he's the most obsessed one out there yet. That little boy is obsessed to a point he has to check my blog on a daily basis and that's not even enough...he has to do it on an hourly basis and he can't sleep if he doesn't check it. However, that's not because my life is more interesting than porn. It's because not only he’s cocky, he's also fucked up self-conscious.

Have you noticed that my posts tend to revolve around the same thing these few months? Do I seem to enjoy bitching about one particular person? And even when it's unnecessary and irrelevant, I still have to bring that person up? That's because I enjoy making that obsessed little boy feel good and then feel like shit right after since he's that much smarter when he’s in fact nothing but a poor idiot who acts superior to compensate for his small dick. I’m really immature and bitchy for doing this but it’s worth it whenever I imagine your stupid reaction like you fuckin care in front of your laptop.

So did you really thoroughly enjoy reading this? Because I thoroughly enjoyed provoking you, but it’s getting boring. Oh and what the hell are you going to brag about tonight?

You deserve to be obsessed because clearly you have to care that much.
...but get well soon, P.

It's not every friday night...

I find it crazy how there are so many possibilities and just one little thing can change the whole story. For example, if my ticket return date was just one day later, I wouldn’t have gone out to catch up with a friend the next day and if it wasn't because of Dolly, I would have ignored those guys and I wouldn't have gone to that bar with them. If I didn't go to that bar with them, I wouldn’t have met Bob and if I didn’t meet Bob, I wouldn’t have met J. It's not every friday night that you meet people you share a connection with.

...but I kind of have the feeling that I already ruined it.
I ruined it from the beginning.

Fresh start

I went to bed last night with a question mark but I woke up this morning feeling all fresh and ready to start a new day. Today is not any special day of the week, month or year, but today I'm motivated to start anew. There is no need to wait until New Year, right? I'm excited about being a new person and not having to bear any grudges. It's like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm excited about life and meeting new people. I love new chances, new opportunities, and fresh starts. I want to do things I never did, enjoy things I never took the time to enjoy and I don't mean things like overdosing on alcohol and going out in bars to fuck some strangers that I will not see again the next morning. I just want to stop running, slow down a little, relax and give everyone a chance to open up, share and then see where it might go from that point on.

Everything that happens is from now on...
I want to meet new people, move forward.
I want to give people I meet a clean slate.

Truth heals

I have a lot of things to say, but I don't know where to start.

A lot of times, I want to ask him clearly, but then I'm scared I don’t know how to face the truth...because deep inside, I knew what to expect from the beginning. Today though, I found out something accidently. Something that maybe I’d be happier if I didn’t know. I've been thinking...how someone I like so much can treat me like this. I actually didn't even believe it. I always try to believe that he didn't mean it, I really do. I'm too far from being innocent, but I was innocent enough to believe that he didn't mean it. He didn't even apologize, but I still believed he didn't mean it.

Like I said, I found out something today. It doesn’t matter how I found out, it’s not the point. But I'm really upset because now I know that he actually meant it. He meant everything he did and said. No excuse. I can remember word for word because it mattered to me, but he said those words without thinking. He deliberately wanted to treat me like a slut because that's what he wanted. Because he thinks he's that much smarter. Because then he can brag about it. Because he really thought I was stupid enough to not know? Well I knew, I just didn't want to believe how cruel he was.

I gotta tell you guys something funny. When a boyfriend breaks up with me, I always kinda try to cry a little because that's what everyone does, but I can seriously never shed a tear no matter how hard I try to force it. I even try to be in a sad mood...but that doesn't work either. But today, I'm ashamed to cry for something that shallow. It feels like someone stabbed me in my heart and that has to be the only time I openned up. I cry because I liked him a lot, I was honest and I tried to not think of revenge but it wasn't worth it. That's not sad enough though. I'm sad because I don't understand why. What did I do so wrong? I don't understand. I know why, but I don't understand the logic if there's one. But yeah...too many people go out there just to hurt others...who knows why.

I don't regret though. I learned from it...I still don't know if I deserved it because it was partly my fault. Actually, it was all wrong from the beginning. At least now I know I still have feelings. At least I know I have tears. At least I know I'm human. At least now I know what to do. At least now I can move on for good. I mean it. Maybe I didn't mean it all the other times, but I mean it this time.

That entry doesn't make sense, I have a lot to say, but it's all messed up.
The point is...
I'm upset, but relieved because that's all I wanted to know.
I'm upset, but happy because now I can move on.
The truth really doesn't hurt. The truth heals.

Being able to admit it feels so good!

Sometimes, I feel like the whole world owes me something. If I were ugly, short and fat, would people still be that nice and patient with me? I really think not. If they want to be with me for all that superficial crap then I should give them a real taste of my bitchiness along with it to thank them.

Last time I saw J, I acted like a total bitch...and I thought I was too mean. I was also mean to talk bad about him to my friends, to hold prejudices against him and to not be honest. Well, it's hard to say all this through text message so I only apologize for last time and admit that I'm wrong and damn that feels good! I should do this more often.

So this morning I texted him:

Me: Hey I know that's a week later but better than never, I'm sorry I was bitchy last time. J: Lol, you weren't bitchy...It was me just being irritable. Anyway, don't worry about it.

When I saw this, I was so touched that I wanted to cry. I wasn’t expecting him to say anything like that. Most people would’ve said "Oh well, it's okay", but he took the blame instead. If he didn't just say that out of politeness then it means he's a generous person...it reminds me of Kevin. He was in fact not even close to being irritable; he was very patient, but I was actually bitchy. I was unfair to him. I dig so deep just to find his flaws and then make a fuss out of a little thing he says and does. I was really only looking for a reason to be mean because I always feel like I have to be able to see through his bullshit just in case.

Even if I don't know him that much, he never gave me the feeling that we're in a competition, y'know what I mean? But I always have to distort everything. Even being nice is a crime, that's how unreasonable I am. I could probably say that he’s not good enough, not bad enough, not human enough…not whatever enough, and I can probably come up with tons of other different reasons but we actually all know why. Maybe because of P. Maybe it's just me. I might do one-nights, but I don't do friends with benefits and all that. Maybe I didn't know how to face him...

He often says "Hey...but you can guess. You know me!" and I'd go "Dude...How am I supposed to know you?" ...but maybe that's because he's not as complicated and doesn't carry as much baggage as I do. Maybe I need sane people like this in my life. Maybe I should get to know him better...

I was wrong and being able to admit it feels so good!
It feels better than being able to get away with things.
It feels even better than being right.
I'm relieved...and happy!

Fed up

That fuckin P.

I don't even know what I'm pissed for; it's not as if I didn't know. When he said "We'll see", I actually already knew that he meant "no". How do I know? Well, because it's the same thing every single fuckin time...without exception. It's not like he commited a crime or anything like that and I would probably not care if it were anyone else, but I'm just sooo FED UP just because it's him. You don't even know how that feels. It feels like it's not even enough to be thickskinned. It's not even enough for him to have the last word. I'm not talking to him anymore; deleted his number, msn and his ugly face from my mind. He's fucked up annoying. Isn't that weird that I always find something to bitch about whenever it has something to do with him? Wait...it's not weird, it's normal! When was it ever different, right? Even if it was never that different, I'd always think that maybe tomorrow he'll be nicer... Fucking stupid!

You know what? Fuck that.
I know I said that hundreds of time, but this is the last time. I swear.
Don't expect me to mention that dork ever again.

Secret coffeeshop

Yesterday, I thought about studying. So me and a friend decided to go study at that coffeeshop near my place.

Me: You wanna stay in VSL? I washed my hair, I don't wanna go too far.
Friend: Yeah, and by the way, don't get dressed up and shit, there is probably no one interesting.
Me: Okay.

We arrived there, and fuck it was packed. Are people really that studious? Anyways, so we had to go to CDN instead, but it was still packed everywhere. We had no choice but to go to that BS place with lots of grannies. Even the name of that place is gay. We walked in, and waw, there's this cute asian guy who looked like a Japanese celeb working there. Can you believe? A cute asian guy working in a BS coffee place? and why do I look have to look like I just rolled out of bed?

So we obviously didn't study much. *sigh*

Annoyed

This shit is seriously...ANNOYING.

Look, I was talking to P on msn. It was okay at the beginning, but then I asked 1 little thing about him and he typed a fucking huge paragraph to explain it, starting with "let me tell u again clearly if you have to care that much....blablabla", so I was like...what the fuck. And he replied "because clearly u care to know". I was trying to talk to him normally but that just makes me not want to talk to him anymore...Like congrats, you just got the last word, happy? Even when I had the chance, I didn't say anything like that to him, y'know? That dude is too much.

Totally annoying.

Ask whether I want to know first...

...because maybe I don't want to know!

I have no idea what happened to TJ and that's because he disappeared without saying goodbye, which is not a big deal because it was messed up and we were not exactly friends, so I understand. What's not okay is that he keeps stalking me and then reappears out of nowhere and says some useless shit that I can live without knowing just because I said something about him that he didn't like. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to know, because all he cares about is himself and his dick.

Ok what did he say...
The first thing he asked is why I deleted him from facebook. If he knows I deleted him from facebook, then he should know that's because I did care at least a little about him but I don't want to know anything about his life anymore, right? Looks like he doesn't. I know how dumb it is to delete people on facebook, but I was angry. Anyways.

Then he started justifying himself. You know those people who talk so much just to justify themselves, but they do nothing to prove it. I mean, I don't want any proof either, because it’s a waste of time for everyone including himself. So since it's a waste of time...then why the hell does he bother telling me shits that I don’t even want to know?! Just to prove that he's a good person and I have a twisted mind? He also said he wants to make peace with me because he thinks I hate him. That's just totally pointless, because I don't even hate him. I still think he's an asshole, but I don't hate him, y'know? You can't hate someone you don't care about.

By the way, I was eating so I didn't reply.

Honestly, I know that in reality, he's a good person, but shit happens. I actually don't know what exactly hapenned either. All I know is that everything is now in the past and it's not important anymore no matter what the real reasons were.

Live your life.
This is goodbye.

Stupid lies

I don't get this.

Why the hell do people lie? and why to me? and why lie about stupid things that I don't even care about? To be accepted? Or just out of boredom? I don't believe that there's any noble reason that would make it acceptable to lie. Not even for the purpose of keeping you from having your feelings hurt because the truth does not hurt...lies do. Truth heals.

I don't even know what for? J lied about something as stupid as his age. I found out that he's actually 27, not 26. He's not the first one I met who lied about age, and I can tell you what they all have in common; they all want to fuck or impress. It's only 1 year difference but he still has to lie about it, y'know? How fucked up that is. It's probably because he already has an undergraduate degree and he's in his last year of medicine, so he can't really go younger than that. And no, that wasn't a mistake. 2 months ago, I clearly asked in what year he was born and he answered 83 and he's NOT born in 83, but 82. Don't tell me that there are people stupid enough to forget their year of birth. For some reasons, he can remember Gilbert's age but not his'. To make it clear, it's not that it makes a difference to me if he's 27 instead of 26, the only thing that matters is that he lied! I know that's only a little lie...but I just HATE that! Like, I don't even know what his intentions are and what else he lied about. I already doubted him a lot and I thought I was too mean...but hey, he just confirmed everthing. I don't even want to talk to him as a friend anymore.

Really. Do I look superficial enough to care about age?
Anyways, it looks like he's superficial enough to care about that. He doesn't even believe that I'm 21 and not 17. When I showed him my ID, he was like "WHAT?! You just turned 21?!!!" . Yeah, so?