I have a lot of things to say, but I don't know where to start.
A lot of times, I want to ask him clearly, but then I'm scared I don’t know how to face the truth...because deep inside, I knew what to expect from the beginning. Today though, I found out something accidently. Something that maybe I’d be happier if I didn’t know. I've been thinking...how someone I like so much can treat me like this. I actually didn't even believe it. I always try to believe that he didn't mean it, I really do. I'm too far from being innocent, but I was innocent enough to believe that he didn't mean it. He didn't even apologize, but I still believed he didn't mean it.
Like I said, I found out something today. It doesn’t matter how I found out, it’s not the point. But I'm really upset because now I know that he actually meant it. He meant everything he did and said. No excuse. I can remember word for word because it mattered to me, but he said those words without thinking. He deliberately wanted to treat me like a slut because that's what he wanted. Because he thinks he's that much smarter. Because then he can brag about it. Because he really thought I was stupid enough to not know? Well I knew, I just didn't want to believe how cruel he was.
I gotta tell you guys something funny. When a boyfriend breaks up with me, I always kinda try to cry a little because that's what everyone does, but I can seriously never shed a tear no matter how hard I try to force it. I even try to be in a sad mood...but that doesn't work either. But today, I'm ashamed to cry for something that shallow. It feels like someone stabbed me in my heart and that has to be the only time I openned up. I cry because I liked him a lot, I was honest and I tried to not think of revenge but it wasn't worth it. That's not sad enough though. I'm sad because I don't understand why. What did I do so wrong? I don't understand. I know why, but I don't understand the logic if there's one. But yeah...too many people go out there just to hurt others...who knows why.
I don't regret though. I learned from it...I still don't know if I deserved it because it was partly my fault. Actually, it was all wrong from the beginning. At least now I know I still have feelings. At least I know I have tears. At least I know I'm human. At least now I know what to do. At least now I can move on for good. I mean it. Maybe I didn't mean it all the other times, but I mean it this time.
That entry doesn't make sense, I have a lot to say, but it's all messed up.
The point is...
I'm upset, but relieved because that's all I wanted to know.
I'm upset, but happy because now I can move on.
The truth really doesn't hurt. The truth heals.