我要飛走 我要自由 我要用最溫柔的復仇
讓你一無所有 讓你在說我的時候
很有理 卻會心痛
我要飛走 我要自由 我要用最溫柔的刑求
讓你一無所有 讓你在說謊的時候
想到我 會很心痛
Disappointed, but not sad...
Monday 26 December 2011
I must say that I'm not sad anymore. I wrote everything down and sent them away. I see things very clear. I rank my family first, my career second and I still have both. Everything else comes and goes. Being in someone's arms is great, but I've always cherished my solitude as well. I'm just still very disappointed.
Christmas tree
Saturday 24 December 2011
I really don't care about Christmas, but I just want to say that my Christmas tree is the prettiest in the world and I've had it for over 10 years :)
Unsent letters: Day 6
It's new year soon. 2011 was a good year to me. I fell in love in 2011; it's something that I didn't think would be possible, but you're not here anymore. I must say that I'm more disappointed than sad, because I don't understand why. Why do we have to subside our emotions? It makes no sense to me...because it's the rarest thing in the world to find someone you feel something for and that it's mutual...
I remember that one time when you were sleeping next to me, holding onto my arms. I told myself, at that point, that I cannot hurt you anymore; I need to learn to believe you...but I was also afraid that you would take us for granted. I have my own insecurities too, and I'm not as strong as I appear. We all have our own issues to work on.
I originally wanted to give you these letters when I'll see you again, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? Maybe I won't be here anymore, and maybe you won't be here either. I don't want to regret.
I wish I could kiss you at midnight on New Years, there are so many things we haven't done yet. Happy New Year, Jonathan, let's be better versions of ourselves, let's make resolutions. I wish all your dreams come true.
I won't write to you anymore, you don't have to respond either. These letters are just some last words and silly hopes. I will see you at 3:45 on April 3rd. I will try to not be hungover this time. Please don't forget me. It isn't over for me.
I remember that one time when you were sleeping next to me, holding onto my arms. I told myself, at that point, that I cannot hurt you anymore; I need to learn to believe you...but I was also afraid that you would take us for granted. I have my own insecurities too, and I'm not as strong as I appear. We all have our own issues to work on.
I originally wanted to give you these letters when I'll see you again, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? Maybe I won't be here anymore, and maybe you won't be here either. I don't want to regret.
I wish I could kiss you at midnight on New Years, there are so many things we haven't done yet. Happy New Year, Jonathan, let's be better versions of ourselves, let's make resolutions. I wish all your dreams come true.
I won't write to you anymore, you don't have to respond either. These letters are just some last words and silly hopes. I will see you at 3:45 on April 3rd. I will try to not be hungover this time. Please don't forget me. It isn't over for me.
2012
1. I will not date anybody from a broken home or without at least an undergraduate degree is either law, business, engineering or medicine.
2. I will stop buying clothes and shoes that I don't need.
3. I will start exercising and keep my weight below 125 lbs.
4. I will go to Europe.
5. I will earn my designation.
2. I will stop buying clothes and shoes that I don't need.
3. I will start exercising and keep my weight below 125 lbs.
4. I will go to Europe.
5. I will earn my designation.
Unsent letters: Day 5
Friday 23 December 2011
I miss you so much, I feel I can never tell you enough how much I miss you. It hurts me so bad, Jonathan, what should I do?
I've been thinking about us. I remember how you asked me to be your girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon when we were lying on your bed. I remember when we shared a Crunchie on Mont-Royal and you asked me to come to your place, which I refused. I saw you cry watching a movie, you scared me when I was in the shower, I bathed you at my place...I remember how you harassed me with your penis in your kitchen. I remember how old people would look at us with a smile on their face. But I also remember that we had a lot of misunderstandings...what if we talked to each other more? Sometimes, I feel we don't to each other enough about our emotions...
I've been thinking about us. I remember how you asked me to be your girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon when we were lying on your bed. I remember when we shared a Crunchie on Mont-Royal and you asked me to come to your place, which I refused. I saw you cry watching a movie, you scared me when I was in the shower, I bathed you at my place...I remember how you harassed me with your penis in your kitchen. I remember how old people would look at us with a smile on their face. But I also remember that we had a lot of misunderstandings...what if we talked to each other more? Sometimes, I feel we don't to each other enough about our emotions...
Unsent letters: Day 3
Wednesday 21 December 2011
...
Other times, I think it might has to do with the fact that your parents divorced when you were younger, which now serves as a relationship template. It can be very subconscious. I'm sure you're aware of what's good for you, but what you're attracted to is different. Have you ever thought about the reason why you tend to let go of women who are good to you? I'm not talking about myself, but those that came before. As problems arise, giving up is the best option to you. You're pessimistic about improving a relationship. You have an excuse to not work things out.
I could be wrong, but I was just hoping to look at us from different perspective, to gain a better understanding and to solve problems, but is this too late? I used to think that we'll always have a tomorrow to make things right. I was scared of pointing problems out because I know you're tired, Jonathan, but what if we persisted?
I thought about breaking up with you too because I realize that we have a discrepancy in our values and beliefs. You're someone who doesn't hold strong beliefs of their own. You're easily influenceable, you need a lot of external support. You're a dreamer; hoping to make a difference, but your comfort comes first. I remember you told me that you were the kind of person who would sit by a tree and slowly enjoy the taste of a grapefruit.
I tell myself that I need to be with someone who's more like myself, but who's perfect until you fall in love with them? When you love someone, there are no problems that are that much of an importance. There isn't such thing as fair or unfair; it is simply worth it. Love is a feeling, but most importantly, it is an ability. Everyone can feel, but a mere feeling isn't enough, Jonathan, and that ability could be a lifelong learning process.
Other times, I think it might has to do with the fact that your parents divorced when you were younger, which now serves as a relationship template. It can be very subconscious. I'm sure you're aware of what's good for you, but what you're attracted to is different. Have you ever thought about the reason why you tend to let go of women who are good to you? I'm not talking about myself, but those that came before. As problems arise, giving up is the best option to you. You're pessimistic about improving a relationship. You have an excuse to not work things out.
I could be wrong, but I was just hoping to look at us from different perspective, to gain a better understanding and to solve problems, but is this too late? I used to think that we'll always have a tomorrow to make things right. I was scared of pointing problems out because I know you're tired, Jonathan, but what if we persisted?
I thought about breaking up with you too because I realize that we have a discrepancy in our values and beliefs. You're someone who doesn't hold strong beliefs of their own. You're easily influenceable, you need a lot of external support. You're a dreamer; hoping to make a difference, but your comfort comes first. I remember you told me that you were the kind of person who would sit by a tree and slowly enjoy the taste of a grapefruit.
I tell myself that I need to be with someone who's more like myself, but who's perfect until you fall in love with them? When you love someone, there are no problems that are that much of an importance. There isn't such thing as fair or unfair; it is simply worth it. Love is a feeling, but most importantly, it is an ability. Everyone can feel, but a mere feeling isn't enough, Jonathan, and that ability could be a lifelong learning process.
Unsent letters: Day 2 (Part 2)
Tuesday 20 December 2011
I'm afraid I'm giving you too much pressure. I know I shouldn't wait for you. I shouldn't wait for that day. You wouldn't be happy if you knew that. I said I didn't cry today, but I'm crying as I'm writing this.
Do you remember when I asked you why do you never buy me flower? Or write me letters? You said have to save it for a day when you'll fuck up. I cried after hearing that because I knew there wouldn't be such a day for two reasons. I would never leave you and if I did, you would not come after me like you used to. In fact, you let go of me several times already.
Sometimes, being loved by someone can be a weight on our shoulders. Maybe that's why you told me last night that it was unfair to me. I don't want to be a baggage to you, Jonathan...but what can I do? I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Do you remember when I asked you why do you never buy me flower? Or write me letters? You said have to save it for a day when you'll fuck up. I cried after hearing that because I knew there wouldn't be such a day for two reasons. I would never leave you and if I did, you would not come after me like you used to. In fact, you let go of me several times already.
Sometimes, being loved by someone can be a weight on our shoulders. Maybe that's why you told me last night that it was unfair to me. I don't want to be a baggage to you, Jonathan...but what can I do? I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Unsent letters: Day 2
Jonathan,
Today is the second day after our break-up and the first day I don't hear your voice. I was thinking about the things you told me when we first met. You asked me if I were with you just for the ride. You said you saw us together forever only after the first week we met...it hurts me thinking about it. It makes me think that maybe you didn't know what you were talking about, maybe you didn't realize the impact of those words, you change too fast and too easily, maybe you are overly confident. I don't want to blame you because you actually did a lot for me, more than anybody.
Last night, I wanted to tell you one last time that I love you, but you hung up too early. Today, I didn't cry; I feel very calm and hopeful. I don't feel like I lost you; I can still feel your presence here with me. Am I being delusional? Because I do hope to start over with you. If that day comes, I promise I will be more honest with you, trust you more and have faith in you. I hope that we'll continue to learn from each other and overcome our shortcomings together.
I didn't want to break up with you because I believe that all it really takes is one reason from the heart to validate our actions, no matter how illogical and irational that reason might be. However, I also believe that if we were meant to be, even if it's not now, someday we will meet again.
I'm worried and excited. I worry that you will forget me, that you will forget our promise, that you will no longer care about me...but I'm also excited to see what surprises the future might bring. Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. I have faith in us.
I love you, Jonathan.
Today is the second day after our break-up and the first day I don't hear your voice. I was thinking about the things you told me when we first met. You asked me if I were with you just for the ride. You said you saw us together forever only after the first week we met...it hurts me thinking about it. It makes me think that maybe you didn't know what you were talking about, maybe you didn't realize the impact of those words, you change too fast and too easily, maybe you are overly confident. I don't want to blame you because you actually did a lot for me, more than anybody.
Last night, I wanted to tell you one last time that I love you, but you hung up too early. Today, I didn't cry; I feel very calm and hopeful. I don't feel like I lost you; I can still feel your presence here with me. Am I being delusional? Because I do hope to start over with you. If that day comes, I promise I will be more honest with you, trust you more and have faith in you. I hope that we'll continue to learn from each other and overcome our shortcomings together.
I didn't want to break up with you because I believe that all it really takes is one reason from the heart to validate our actions, no matter how illogical and irational that reason might be. However, I also believe that if we were meant to be, even if it's not now, someday we will meet again.
I'm worried and excited. I worry that you will forget me, that you will forget our promise, that you will no longer care about me...but I'm also excited to see what surprises the future might bring. Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. I have faith in us.
I love you, Jonathan.
People cry
People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.
-Unknown
-Unknown
April 3rd of 2012 at 3:45 PM
Monday 19 December 2011
I'm supposed to study right now, but I have write down everything first because I don't want to talk about this over and over again later.
I was at a seminar today for work purpose; I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself to listen and focus on the lecture because I didn't want to cry. How embarrassing would that be if I started crying in front of my colleagues. I didn't have any expression on my face; it almost felt like I had botox or something. For the whole time, I was wondering if Jonathan would call me. He didn't. I finally couldn't resist and texted him.
"I miss you," I texted him, knowing that I shouldn't
"Elaine...let's make it easy for each other. I'm thinking about you of course," he texted back.
After the seminar, I went to Concordia because I planned on studying with a friend. Half an hour later, Jonathan called me.
"Why are you calling me?" I asked. He sounded very casual. He was just asking me about my day and how I was doing. I really wanted to talk to him as if nothing happened, but it hurts to know that he's not calling me to have me back. I ran to the bathroom crying and I asked him to not call me again.
When I got home, I was very sad and I was crying again. I called him. I'm not exactly sure why I called him, or what I wanted to get out of this...
Maybe I wanted him back.
Maybe I wanted to be comforted.
Maybe I wanted a reason...but there are no reasons and too many reasons all at once. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him, maybe he's not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who isn't ready. He didn't want me to think that it was my fault, and I know it's not. It's us both.
Although I love him alot, there were things that I were never that convinced about, the love I feel for him for example. It's not like anything I've experienced before. I once told him that someone from the past gave me the best highs and worst lows, just like a drug. I knew that wasn't right and I was determined to find someone who would give me healthier highs and lows, someone who is patient, stable and understanding. I found that person, but I'm not totally satisfied to be honest, and I think it's because somewhere inside me, I miss that ferocity, I miss that life I was living on the edge, I miss that part of me. I was not always honest, I must admit.
He has his own issues too. All these compromises were worth it but there were still issues that's been causing us a lot of trouble, resentment and distances. I cannot hate him, because I know that he did a lot for me. We talked for over an hour about everything. I really want him back but in a way, I know that breaking up might be better for us because we have to work on ourselves.
"Will we see each other again?" I asked.
"I hope we will..."
"I will never call you again, and I never want to hear from you again either, unless one day, you think that there might be a chance that we can start over. Do you think that will ever happen?"
"Will we be together again in the future? I really don't know, but if we burn the bridge then it will certainly not happen. I don't want to tell you that it will happen because I don't want you to wait for a phone call. I don't want to live knowing that someone's waiting for me..."
"Even if I wait, it's my choice,"
"That's such a typical answer from you..." he said, probably thinking that I was stubborn. "I will never forget about you, Elaine. I will call you when we will both be ready to talk,"
"What if you loose my number?"
"Don't worry, if I want to find you; I will find you."
"How about this, let's meet again in April. Not to be together, but just to see where we're at?"
"Which day?"
"The 3rd."
"At what time?"
"3:45."
"Where?"
"Same place."
He promised he will be there no matter what happens, even if he's with someone else by then. I also promised him that I will be there unless I die. I understand that if we do meet again on this date, he might have moved on and things would have changed. However, I know myself pretty well and I know I wouldn't have moved on by then...maybe it's my stubborn nature. I can't easily move on...
It would be a lie if said I didn't want to start over but at this point, I can only hope that we would've changed and gained some new perspectives. That thought keeps me going and even if I'm just making up a lie for myself to believe in, then so what and who knows? After that conversation, all that weight in my heart was lifted up; I'm not crying anymore.
Until then, I asked him to not contact me. I will not contact him. I will try to not think about him too often. I will not date anybody either. I will only be focusing at work and on earning my designation. I will reflect and work on myself.
Lastly, this is very corny but I had to put this here; If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
I was at a seminar today for work purpose; I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself to listen and focus on the lecture because I didn't want to cry. How embarrassing would that be if I started crying in front of my colleagues. I didn't have any expression on my face; it almost felt like I had botox or something. For the whole time, I was wondering if Jonathan would call me. He didn't. I finally couldn't resist and texted him.
"I miss you," I texted him, knowing that I shouldn't
"Elaine...let's make it easy for each other. I'm thinking about you of course," he texted back.
After the seminar, I went to Concordia because I planned on studying with a friend. Half an hour later, Jonathan called me.
"Why are you calling me?" I asked. He sounded very casual. He was just asking me about my day and how I was doing. I really wanted to talk to him as if nothing happened, but it hurts to know that he's not calling me to have me back. I ran to the bathroom crying and I asked him to not call me again.
When I got home, I was very sad and I was crying again. I called him. I'm not exactly sure why I called him, or what I wanted to get out of this...
Maybe I wanted him back.
Maybe I wanted to be comforted.
Maybe I wanted a reason...but there are no reasons and too many reasons all at once. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him, maybe he's not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who isn't ready. He didn't want me to think that it was my fault, and I know it's not. It's us both.
Although I love him alot, there were things that I were never that convinced about, the love I feel for him for example. It's not like anything I've experienced before. I once told him that someone from the past gave me the best highs and worst lows, just like a drug. I knew that wasn't right and I was determined to find someone who would give me healthier highs and lows, someone who is patient, stable and understanding. I found that person, but I'm not totally satisfied to be honest, and I think it's because somewhere inside me, I miss that ferocity, I miss that life I was living on the edge, I miss that part of me. I was not always honest, I must admit.
He has his own issues too. All these compromises were worth it but there were still issues that's been causing us a lot of trouble, resentment and distances. I cannot hate him, because I know that he did a lot for me. We talked for over an hour about everything. I really want him back but in a way, I know that breaking up might be better for us because we have to work on ourselves.
"Will we see each other again?" I asked.
"I hope we will..."
"I will never call you again, and I never want to hear from you again either, unless one day, you think that there might be a chance that we can start over. Do you think that will ever happen?"
"Will we be together again in the future? I really don't know, but if we burn the bridge then it will certainly not happen. I don't want to tell you that it will happen because I don't want you to wait for a phone call. I don't want to live knowing that someone's waiting for me..."
"Even if I wait, it's my choice,"
"That's such a typical answer from you..." he said, probably thinking that I was stubborn. "I will never forget about you, Elaine. I will call you when we will both be ready to talk,"
"What if you loose my number?"
"Don't worry, if I want to find you; I will find you."
"How about this, let's meet again in April. Not to be together, but just to see where we're at?"
"Which day?"
"The 3rd."
"At what time?"
"3:45."
"Where?"
"Same place."
He promised he will be there no matter what happens, even if he's with someone else by then. I also promised him that I will be there unless I die. I understand that if we do meet again on this date, he might have moved on and things would have changed. However, I know myself pretty well and I know I wouldn't have moved on by then...maybe it's my stubborn nature. I can't easily move on...
It would be a lie if said I didn't want to start over but at this point, I can only hope that we would've changed and gained some new perspectives. That thought keeps me going and even if I'm just making up a lie for myself to believe in, then so what and who knows? After that conversation, all that weight in my heart was lifted up; I'm not crying anymore.
Until then, I asked him to not contact me. I will not contact him. I will try to not think about him too often. I will not date anybody either. I will only be focusing at work and on earning my designation. I will reflect and work on myself.
Lastly, this is very corny but I had to put this here; If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
His last words
You were yourself Elaine, and I expected no less and got no less for all 259 days, so no apologies from you are necessary. It is not silly to believe in fate, who knows what the future holds. I've learned from you and you've driven me so for that it's me who thanks you. Elaine, I value your presence and space in my life, and I'm sure our relationship in whatever form it may take will go on.
...and also, I was far from perfect, so for all the times that it was me who fucked up. I'm sorry too.
My last words
Jonathan, it's been 259 days since we first met and I just want to let you know that it's been the happiest days of my life. I know I put you through a lot; I let the past get the best of me and I'm sorry. I just want to say I love you and always will, I never meant to hurt you. You're the best thing that happened to me, you helped me become a better and happier person...
I remember everything about us. I trust that there is something that brings us together and even though it's silly, I really hope to be with you again someday when the time is right. I believe in fate. I believe we're made for each other, even if it's not now, I promise you next time I will get it right. All I ever wanted was to love you. I’ll keep moving forward because my heart has hope. One day you will come back and we will live happy ever after.
259 days
April 3rd, 2011, 3:45PM
259 days
We broke up for good today.
I cried all day today, but I'm surprisingly calm right now.
259 days
We broke up for good today.
I cried all day today, but I'm surprisingly calm right now.
Finally said what I had to say...
Sunday 18 December 2011
Lately, Ive been feeling unstable and insecure. I've been crying a lot because I feel like we're near the end. A man's word is his bond and his responsibility and I cannot accept a man who consistently breaks that bond. The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moment of comfort and convenience...So if keeping your words is so difficult for you, and coming to see me when you said you would is a responsibility, then maybe we shouldn't be together.
Sometimes, I do feel I should be more supportive, but I don't feel you're here for me when I need you. You never say anything to reassure me; all you ever say is "I don't know what to say," as if it is my fault that I feel a certain way. Last time, it really upset me that you told me I should change and adjust, because I did try to be more accepting and be better but in the end, the blame is still put on me...
I didn't want to say this because I know I might loose you for saying all this and for giving you so much headaches. I love you a lot and I want to be with you, I believe you feel the same way about me but comfort can be blinding and I cannot ignore the way I feel either. It's really hard for me but I need to say this because I cannot pretend that everything is okay. Tell me what I should do..
Problems
Thursday 15 December 2011
I don't know where to start.
Some days, I think I'm in love with Jonathan...but he really pisses me off.
1. I hate it when people smoke in my face or in the same room or wherever I can smell them, but the main real reason I hate it when he smokes weed when I'm there is because...fuck, he looks retarded and everything he says is retarded. I used to tell him to go smoke outside or simply not smoke when I'm at his place but lately, I have to admit that I've been more accommodating...I hide under the covers instead, only because i don't want to argue.
2. I hate it when there's always something more "important" that comes up last minute when we're supposed to meet, and let me tell you something, it's never that important. I'm not trying to brag or anything but, I never had to work overtime, unless I'm putting on a show for managers to see, and I always managed to get all my work done and the reason is simple; time management. Even when I was still at school, I NEVER studied past midnight.
3. I hate it when he makes himself sound like he does so much for me. This was maybe the case when we first met but lately, it's been the complete opposite. How considerate is he when he smokes in my face when he clearly knows that I hate the smell. How accommodating is he when he decided to watch hockey instead of watching a movie with me. Also, I'm the one waiting for him to say "Yes, I have time. Let's meet." but that's not because I have more free time than him.
Things have been awkward between us in the past weeks. Sometimes, I think I might be the problem; maybe am I expecting too much?...but for those who know me can tell I'm not the high-maintenance type. Once, he told me that I'm codependent and that I need to think about it....which is simply absurd. Seriously, I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean. Is it just because I want him to text me every morning? Dude, seriously. Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I'm sure he can text me a few words in the morning.
Last night, he asked me to hold the line for a second when we were on the phone. I waited minutes before I lost my patience and hung up. He allows himself to waste my time?! When I call him, he always tells me he's working and has to hang up. However when he calls me, even if I'm studying, I always stay on the phone with him to talk for a bit. What the fuck is this. His excuse? He was pouring his cereal. You know what amount of work I could have done while wasting my time waiting on the phone while he's pouring his stupid cereal?!!
I'm pissed. We get into an argument almost everytime we talk, but I'm always the one who apologizes first and it's not because I think I'm wrong. I just don't want to argue and let it go. Today, we were supposed to see each other...but I already had the feeling that it would not work out. And I was right.
He texted me this.
"Hey, let's resolve this. You feel like I'm distancing myself? It's not on purpose...I'm busy with work all of a sudden. But also, your reactions, I feel, are immature which creates the emotional distance for me. Before, I used to sweat over it and then, I just decided to let it slide and let you calm down. Now, I'm at a the point I don't care how you react. I don't feel like seeing you now."
"What do you really want to say?" I ask.
"...that despite all that shit, I care about you and I want things to be better. But you need to acknowledge and adjust. Anyways, I'm telling you how I feel. Not trying to argue."
...as if I'm trying to argue.
It upsets me how my efforts goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I really had the urge to break up but, I guess the reason I didn't is because I do not want to regret. I'd rather be the one who's being left.
It's almost new year, and I really wanted to be able to say that I fell in love in 2011. I wanted to confidently introduce him to my family but, I think not.
Some days, I think I'm in love with Jonathan...but he really pisses me off.
1. I hate it when people smoke in my face or in the same room or wherever I can smell them, but the main real reason I hate it when he smokes weed when I'm there is because...fuck, he looks retarded and everything he says is retarded. I used to tell him to go smoke outside or simply not smoke when I'm at his place but lately, I have to admit that I've been more accommodating...I hide under the covers instead, only because i don't want to argue.
2. I hate it when there's always something more "important" that comes up last minute when we're supposed to meet, and let me tell you something, it's never that important. I'm not trying to brag or anything but, I never had to work overtime, unless I'm putting on a show for managers to see, and I always managed to get all my work done and the reason is simple; time management. Even when I was still at school, I NEVER studied past midnight.
3. I hate it when he makes himself sound like he does so much for me. This was maybe the case when we first met but lately, it's been the complete opposite. How considerate is he when he smokes in my face when he clearly knows that I hate the smell. How accommodating is he when he decided to watch hockey instead of watching a movie with me. Also, I'm the one waiting for him to say "Yes, I have time. Let's meet." but that's not because I have more free time than him.
Things have been awkward between us in the past weeks. Sometimes, I think I might be the problem; maybe am I expecting too much?...but for those who know me can tell I'm not the high-maintenance type. Once, he told me that I'm codependent and that I need to think about it....which is simply absurd. Seriously, I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean. Is it just because I want him to text me every morning? Dude, seriously. Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I'm sure he can text me a few words in the morning.
Last night, he asked me to hold the line for a second when we were on the phone. I waited minutes before I lost my patience and hung up. He allows himself to waste my time?! When I call him, he always tells me he's working and has to hang up. However when he calls me, even if I'm studying, I always stay on the phone with him to talk for a bit. What the fuck is this. His excuse? He was pouring his cereal. You know what amount of work I could have done while wasting my time waiting on the phone while he's pouring his stupid cereal?!!
I'm pissed. We get into an argument almost everytime we talk, but I'm always the one who apologizes first and it's not because I think I'm wrong. I just don't want to argue and let it go. Today, we were supposed to see each other...but I already had the feeling that it would not work out. And I was right.
He texted me this.
"Hey, let's resolve this. You feel like I'm distancing myself? It's not on purpose...I'm busy with work all of a sudden. But also, your reactions, I feel, are immature which creates the emotional distance for me. Before, I used to sweat over it and then, I just decided to let it slide and let you calm down. Now, I'm at a the point I don't care how you react. I don't feel like seeing you now."
"What do you really want to say?" I ask.
"...that despite all that shit, I care about you and I want things to be better. But you need to acknowledge and adjust. Anyways, I'm telling you how I feel. Not trying to argue."
...as if I'm trying to argue.
It upsets me how my efforts goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I really had the urge to break up but, I guess the reason I didn't is because I do not want to regret. I'd rather be the one who's being left.
It's almost new year, and I really wanted to be able to say that I fell in love in 2011. I wanted to confidently introduce him to my family but, I think not.
I'm tired.
What's new.
1. I'm tired of working at client's. I haven't been to the downtown office in a while and miss it...kind of.
2. I'm tired of my colleages. I'm tired of stupid people. I seriously wonder where some people got their education.
3. I'm tired of Jonathan. I'm tired of his time management problems, his excuses and everything.
Fuck, I'm tired.
1. I'm tired of working at client's. I haven't been to the downtown office in a while and miss it...kind of.
2. I'm tired of my colleages. I'm tired of stupid people. I seriously wonder where some people got their education.
3. I'm tired of Jonathan. I'm tired of his time management problems, his excuses and everything.
Fuck, I'm tired.
Border
Monday 5 December 2011
People overdesiring simplicity perhaps make too many assumptions, too wrongly, too carelessly. Standing behind a border and caught up your narrow-minded perceptions and persistent illusions; too far from accuracy and too simple to be of any value.
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's incapability, or maybe plain unwillingness...
And maybe because as you cross that border, everything no longer has the same familiar meanings.
The most disturbing women you will meet in your life are the ones you will never have, because in relation to them, regardless of the immediate proximity, you are on the other side of the border.
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's incapability, or maybe plain unwillingness...
And maybe because as you cross that border, everything no longer has the same familiar meanings.
The most disturbing women you will meet in your life are the ones you will never have, because in relation to them, regardless of the immediate proximity, you are on the other side of the border.
Break up or not?
Friday 2 December 2011
Last night, we were supposed to be with each other, but...
5:30- He tells me that he will be eating with his friends. "I thought you would be going out with your friends?" he tells me, but I clearly remember telling him that I'm only going to eat with my friends and go see him right after.
8:10- I call him and he tells me that he's eating alone. I found that weird but didn't say anything. I bet he would not answer if I called an hour later.
9:30- I call him and as predicted, he doesn't answer. I try a few minutes later, half an hour later, an hour later, an hour and a half later and finally 2 hours later...no answer. That means he intentionally set his phone on silent when he was with his "friends".
I was too pissed, so I turned off my phone and went to bed.
Today he texted me that he in Tremblant and obviously, he's still not answering my calls. I didn't want mention the words "break up", but I couldn't. "Do you want to break up or what?" I text him.
Maybe it's really time to break up.
5:30- He tells me that he will be eating with his friends. "I thought you would be going out with your friends?" he tells me, but I clearly remember telling him that I'm only going to eat with my friends and go see him right after.
8:10- I call him and he tells me that he's eating alone. I found that weird but didn't say anything. I bet he would not answer if I called an hour later.
9:30- I call him and as predicted, he doesn't answer. I try a few minutes later, half an hour later, an hour later, an hour and a half later and finally 2 hours later...no answer. That means he intentionally set his phone on silent when he was with his "friends".
I was too pissed, so I turned off my phone and went to bed.
Today he texted me that he in Tremblant and obviously, he's still not answering my calls. I didn't want mention the words "break up", but I couldn't. "Do you want to break up or what?" I text him.
Maybe it's really time to break up.
Choice
Sunday 13 November 2011
No matter how unfair, selfish or immoral that could be and even if it's only one day, I nonetheless want to be there. Don't ask me why. No reason.
He and I have tomorrow to make it right, but you and I only have today. Today could be that last day we spend together in our entire life, until the day we die. It's expected and I don't intent to make it otherwise. Without expectations, there are no confusions. Without confusions, there are no worries, and we can still be close and I'll still feel the same the next day when I wake up.
...but sometimes, I do wonder what if, what could have been..
Perhaps, there are things that you'd just rather wonder.
He and I have tomorrow to make it right, but you and I only have today. Today could be that last day we spend together in our entire life, until the day we die. It's expected and I don't intent to make it otherwise. Without expectations, there are no confusions. Without confusions, there are no worries, and we can still be close and I'll still feel the same the next day when I wake up.
...but sometimes, I do wonder what if, what could have been..
Perhaps, there are things that you'd just rather wonder.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
I wasn't going to bother with this, but...
"You don't know how to satisfy your man, that's why they all leave you."
1. Touching my hands doesn't make you my boyfriend. And getting in my pants doesn't make you my man. Who do you think you are and how do you even know?!
2. There are things that are not correlated with your efforts, especially with this guy. Don't ask me how I know. In those situations, you need to have the discipline, character, and self-respect to say, "fuck that, I'm doing what I like." Might as well, right?
3. I spend time with him and I'm nice to him because I want to, not because I need to. I honestly think it's worth it, but that isn't necessarily what I deserve. And even if want him, I actually have a lot more choices.
4. Oh and, do they all leave me? Ha, don't you worry for me!
What I don't understand is that, why the hell is he so mad? Just because I'm not acting like his bitch? What I also don't understand is that, why am I not mad? and sad? or pissed?...well actually, I think it's because I have the ultimate answer to the first question.
Some mistakes cannot be made more than once.To satisfy him, I’d have to ignore my gut instincts and feelings. I’d have to compromise the values that have made me into the person I am today. At this point in my life? I have a career, a family and a bright future; I don't fucking need to please nobody.
"You don't know how to satisfy your man, that's why they all leave you."
1. Touching my hands doesn't make you my boyfriend. And getting in my pants doesn't make you my man. Who do you think you are and how do you even know?!
2. There are things that are not correlated with your efforts, especially with this guy. Don't ask me how I know. In those situations, you need to have the discipline, character, and self-respect to say, "fuck that, I'm doing what I like." Might as well, right?
3. I spend time with him and I'm nice to him because I want to, not because I need to. I honestly think it's worth it, but that isn't necessarily what I deserve. And even if want him, I actually have a lot more choices.
4. Oh and, do they all leave me? Ha, don't you worry for me!
What I don't understand is that, why the hell is he so mad? Just because I'm not acting like his bitch? What I also don't understand is that, why am I not mad? and sad? or pissed?...well actually, I think it's because I have the ultimate answer to the first question.
Some mistakes cannot be made more than once.To satisfy him, I’d have to ignore my gut instincts and feelings. I’d have to compromise the values that have made me into the person I am today. At this point in my life? I have a career, a family and a bright future; I don't fucking need to please nobody.
At peace
Sunday 6 November 2011
I just want to say that I'm in a better place now. I find myself less reflective as I used to be and perhaps, I'm just ignorant and blissfully living in a state of denial, but right or wrong, truth or lies, do all this really matter? What really is that important? If anything, I find myself at peace. Just let me keep my eyes shut for a little longer...
From within
Thursday 27 October 2011
I don't think enough people realize the cruciality of building from within. Giving that false outlook on things that should take months to build is damaging; it means that affection is not earned, but bought. These types of relationship are easily discardable as problems arise and from that, a monster is created. Jonathan, however, always gave time and patience...
Incompatible personalities were never an issue to me. Issues arise when we're unable to look in the same direction. Believe it or not but usually, the ones who are there to argue with you are really the ones who care most about you. Loving someone just for one more day isn't easy; my life could be so much easier and simpler if I only had myself to care for. Nonetheless, I choose to stay for a reason; I firmly believe in something and I hope someone looks in the same direction as I do despite all the trouble.
I once told him about creators and I asked him "do you firmly believe in something?" He was inspired by my words at that moment, and he likes to think that he does, but I'm not sure whether he realizes that it doesn't actually fit his personality. He's the kind of man who would sit under a cherry tree by a lake and slowly savor every bit of his fruit basket. The reason he's not consistent is because he doesn't believe in something firm enough; he's not stubborn nor is he determined, which also means he's someone easily influenceable. There's an advantage to this however; by encouraging him and supporting him, his potential can be reached.
"I could pretend that nothing happened too but if we both do this; it's going to make us weaker as a couple. There will always be problems, we will inevitably make mistakes every single day. What's important is the way we choose to handle those problems and fix those mistakes," I said.
"You're a sweetheart," he said, out of the blue. "You really are."
Incompatible personalities were never an issue to me. Issues arise when we're unable to look in the same direction. Believe it or not but usually, the ones who are there to argue with you are really the ones who care most about you. Loving someone just for one more day isn't easy; my life could be so much easier and simpler if I only had myself to care for. Nonetheless, I choose to stay for a reason; I firmly believe in something and I hope someone looks in the same direction as I do despite all the trouble.
I once told him about creators and I asked him "do you firmly believe in something?" He was inspired by my words at that moment, and he likes to think that he does, but I'm not sure whether he realizes that it doesn't actually fit his personality. He's the kind of man who would sit under a cherry tree by a lake and slowly savor every bit of his fruit basket. The reason he's not consistent is because he doesn't believe in something firm enough; he's not stubborn nor is he determined, which also means he's someone easily influenceable. There's an advantage to this however; by encouraging him and supporting him, his potential can be reached.
"I could pretend that nothing happened too but if we both do this; it's going to make us weaker as a couple. There will always be problems, we will inevitably make mistakes every single day. What's important is the way we choose to handle those problems and fix those mistakes," I said.
"You're a sweetheart," he said, out of the blue. "You really are."
What the FUCK
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Seriously...What the fuck!
Yesterday, I texted Jonathan "You don't answer my calls, you don't answer my texts, you don't even call to say goodnight. Do you still want to be with me or not?" He told me to relax and that I might lack of balance...but I knew the problem wasn't just in my head, because a woman's intuition is never wrong.
So I started telling him that I thought about him and how we met the first time "You remember? We were on the observatory of Mont-Royal and you asked me to tell you something about my life and I said I nothing to say. Then a lady asked you to take a picture of her so you asked me to hold your bottle of water..."
"Waw, you remember details like these?"
"Of course I do. That's why when people lie to me, I can tell right away," I said, hoping that he gets the message.
...
Today, we were supposed to see each other.
"Is there hockey tonight? Are you going to watch?" I call him, just to make sure.
"Why?"
"Because if you are going to watch then I'm not coming over," I answered.
When he watches hockey, I usually just try to study or I do nothing at all, but it's hard to study at his place since there's not even a clean table, so I usually just sit around doing nothing. Instead of siting around doing nothing, why don't I do something productive at home, right? Nothing wrong with that.
Also, what's the point of being in the same place when we're each doing our own thing? Might as well stay in the comfort of your own room, no? Of course the story would've been different if we lived together, but we don't. We already don't see each other a lot, so is it reasonable that I expect him to actually be with me physically and mentally for the little time we spend together?
For some reasons, he took it wrong and hung up on me.
"What's your problem?" I texted him. "I think something changed between us."
"Geez Elaine...what is it? I'm disappointed that you wouldn't come over if a game is on. Whatever, hockey is all winter so if it's a problem for us to be in the same place while a game is on then, what can I say."
"What I meant is that it's fine if you want to watch hockey, but just tell me now. Don't tell me when I'll be at your place tonight. Thats' all."
"That's fine. What do you mean by things have changed?"
"You're less understanding. You do less in general..."
"I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you feel that way. What more do you want from me. It's like...you think you're entitled to something for putting up with me."
"That not what I meant."
"That's how I feel sometimes, which is why I'm less engaged. Plus honestly, you didn't come over 1 time last week because I couldn't pick you up. That was really weak. And I had to deal with you complaining every day and I was the one who was sick. Also, you're the one who told me you had to study so I would see you less...now this. I don't get it."
...ha, now he admits there's something wrong and it wasn't just in my head.
1-I didn't go to his place last week because I really cannot get sick at this time. I have to work, I have to study and I have exams. I really don't have extra time to get sick.
2-If I had to take the bus to his place, I would have to waste 2 hours, which is just not worth it if I had to get sick on top of that.
3-I never complained. And if I actually complained then it's only because I couldn't see my boyfriend...not because there is gold or something at his place. Geez.
4-The fact that we see each other less is not the problem. I didn't complain about this. All I want was just to make the most out of the little time we spend together. What's so hard to understand?!
Is he seriously holding a grudge because I didn't visit him when he was sick?!
"Do you expect me to not study for you? That's what I mean when I say that you're less understanding..."
"I was looking forward to see you tonight, now it's whatever..."
"All I'm trying to do is to solve the problem, but you're taking it the wrong way. I was telling you that something changed, and you denied. And now, you admit that you're less engaged because of X reason that I'm not even aware of. You're letting this creating distances between us."
"The arguing is pointless. I'm tired of texting..."
"I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just trying to make you understand without necessarily agreeing..."
"That's the bottom line for me." he said...
Crying is actually not that sad. What's more sad than crying is having to hold it back...and I was at work.
...
After work, I called him to ask whether we'll see each other or not, because if not then I have other plans.
"Why, Who you going with?"
"I just want to know, because I might go out after. Can you tell me right now?"
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Drinking maybe?"
"Why do you have to talk to me like that? Usually you would be nicer if you knew I was pissed. And now you're giving me a threat or what?"
At this point, I really had enough.
1-I didn't intentionally provoke him by saying that I might go out. I only answered his question, with an honest answer, like any normal person.
2-I was planning on ditching my friends if he wanted to see me.
3-I just seriously wanted to know in advance so I can plan accordingly. Am I not nice enough to ask him first? So I can plan according to him?
...and all this so he can think that I'm throwing him an ultimatum? Why do I even deserve this?
I'm just pointing the problem out because I felt like something was wrong, so we can work it together. If he doesn't tell me, I don't ask, we keep this attitude, we engage less and less, then we're just going break up sooner or later. I'm trying to prevent that and he talks to me with this attitude...What the hell am I supposed to do? Break up? All this effort is one-sided...seriously. What is this relationship for if I can never say anything? and when I do, he blows off like this?!
I realized that once a man has made an opinion about you; it cannot be changed no matter how inaccurate it is. He already has that impression, from the first time we met, that I'm conceited, I'm stuck up and I never do anything for "us" while he's the one who makes all the effort...and look at this now.
FUCK!
What's wrong?
Someone needs to tell me what the fuck is wrong.
Yesterday, I texted Jonathan "You don't answer my calls, you don't answer my texts, you don't even call to say goodnight. Do you still want to be with me or not?" He told me to relax and that I might lack of balance...but I knew the problem wasn't just in my head, because a woman's intuition is never wrong.
So I started telling him that I thought about him and how we met the first time "You remember? We were on the observatory of Mont-Royal and you asked me to tell you something about my life and I said I nothing to say. Then a lady asked you to take a picture of her so you asked me to hold your bottle of water..."
"Waw, you remember details like these?"
"Of course I do. That's why when people lie to me, I can tell right away," I said, hoping that he gets the message.
...
Today, we were supposed to see each other.
"Is there hockey tonight? Are you going to watch?" I call him, just to make sure.
"Why?"
"Because if you are going to watch then I'm not coming over," I answered.
When he watches hockey, I usually just try to study or I do nothing at all, but it's hard to study at his place since there's not even a clean table, so I usually just sit around doing nothing. Instead of siting around doing nothing, why don't I do something productive at home, right? Nothing wrong with that.
Also, what's the point of being in the same place when we're each doing our own thing? Might as well stay in the comfort of your own room, no? Of course the story would've been different if we lived together, but we don't. We already don't see each other a lot, so is it reasonable that I expect him to actually be with me physically and mentally for the little time we spend together?
For some reasons, he took it wrong and hung up on me.
"What's your problem?" I texted him. "I think something changed between us."
"Geez Elaine...what is it? I'm disappointed that you wouldn't come over if a game is on. Whatever, hockey is all winter so if it's a problem for us to be in the same place while a game is on then, what can I say."
"What I meant is that it's fine if you want to watch hockey, but just tell me now. Don't tell me when I'll be at your place tonight. Thats' all."
"That's fine. What do you mean by things have changed?"
"You're less understanding. You do less in general..."
"I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you feel that way. What more do you want from me. It's like...you think you're entitled to something for putting up with me."
"That not what I meant."
"That's how I feel sometimes, which is why I'm less engaged. Plus honestly, you didn't come over 1 time last week because I couldn't pick you up. That was really weak. And I had to deal with you complaining every day and I was the one who was sick. Also, you're the one who told me you had to study so I would see you less...now this. I don't get it."
...ha, now he admits there's something wrong and it wasn't just in my head.
1-I didn't go to his place last week because I really cannot get sick at this time. I have to work, I have to study and I have exams. I really don't have extra time to get sick.
2-If I had to take the bus to his place, I would have to waste 2 hours, which is just not worth it if I had to get sick on top of that.
3-I never complained. And if I actually complained then it's only because I couldn't see my boyfriend...not because there is gold or something at his place. Geez.
4-The fact that we see each other less is not the problem. I didn't complain about this. All I want was just to make the most out of the little time we spend together. What's so hard to understand?!
Is he seriously holding a grudge because I didn't visit him when he was sick?!
"Do you expect me to not study for you? That's what I mean when I say that you're less understanding..."
"I was looking forward to see you tonight, now it's whatever..."
"All I'm trying to do is to solve the problem, but you're taking it the wrong way. I was telling you that something changed, and you denied. And now, you admit that you're less engaged because of X reason that I'm not even aware of. You're letting this creating distances between us."
"The arguing is pointless. I'm tired of texting..."
"I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just trying to make you understand without necessarily agreeing..."
"That's the bottom line for me." he said...
Crying is actually not that sad. What's more sad than crying is having to hold it back...and I was at work.
...
After work, I called him to ask whether we'll see each other or not, because if not then I have other plans.
"Why, Who you going with?"
"I just want to know, because I might go out after. Can you tell me right now?"
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Drinking maybe?"
"Why do you have to talk to me like that? Usually you would be nicer if you knew I was pissed. And now you're giving me a threat or what?"
At this point, I really had enough.
1-I didn't intentionally provoke him by saying that I might go out. I only answered his question, with an honest answer, like any normal person.
2-I was planning on ditching my friends if he wanted to see me.
3-I just seriously wanted to know in advance so I can plan accordingly. Am I not nice enough to ask him first? So I can plan according to him?
...and all this so he can think that I'm throwing him an ultimatum? Why do I even deserve this?
I'm just pointing the problem out because I felt like something was wrong, so we can work it together. If he doesn't tell me, I don't ask, we keep this attitude, we engage less and less, then we're just going break up sooner or later. I'm trying to prevent that and he talks to me with this attitude...What the hell am I supposed to do? Break up? All this effort is one-sided...seriously. What is this relationship for if I can never say anything? and when I do, he blows off like this?!
I realized that once a man has made an opinion about you; it cannot be changed no matter how inaccurate it is. He already has that impression, from the first time we met, that I'm conceited, I'm stuck up and I never do anything for "us" while he's the one who makes all the effort...and look at this now.
FUCK!
What's wrong?
Someone needs to tell me what the fuck is wrong.
Sunday 23 October 2011
...because I knew of something that I could not put into words at that time. I think I saw that coming. I was crying as I was telling him that things will change and he thought I was being silly. I just feel like we're going back and forth, without ever making it to the next point.
Some continue to work their relationship and grow it together once that confortable stage is reached, while others allow it to create distances. In our case, he resorts back to the old ways once he thinks everything is okay. No matter what the reason is, the bottom line is that someone finally stops trying. I can’t tolerate anything that is mediocre…
Tonight, we were supposed to see each other but when I texted him, he said he was with his friends.
"Are we going to see each other tonight or not?" I texted him.
No answer.
“Are you with someone else?” I asked again.
The funny part is that I hope he says yes.
I’m just so damn tired.
Some continue to work their relationship and grow it together once that confortable stage is reached, while others allow it to create distances. In our case, he resorts back to the old ways once he thinks everything is okay. No matter what the reason is, the bottom line is that someone finally stops trying. I can’t tolerate anything that is mediocre…
Tonight, we were supposed to see each other but when I texted him, he said he was with his friends.
"Are we going to see each other tonight or not?" I texted him.
No answer.
“Are you with someone else?” I asked again.
The funny part is that I hope he says yes.
I’m just so damn tired.
On the phone
Friday 21 October 2011
...
Jonathan: Ok babe, I got to watch hockey.
Me: No...talk to me.
Jonathan: No babe, I got to go...
Me: Ok then, I'm horny by the way, bye!
Jonathan:...Babe, wait.
Me: Too late! I got to go!
Jonathan: Ok babe, I got to watch hockey.
Me: No...talk to me.
Jonathan: No babe, I got to go...
Me: Ok then, I'm horny by the way, bye!
Jonathan:...Babe, wait.
Me: Too late! I got to go!
My childhood friend :)
Her name is Kim and she's is probably one of the nicest person I know in the world. My mom always says that whoever marries her is going to be the luckiest man in the world, but whoever marries me is going to be so miserable. "So what if you're pretty and smart? It's too bad you're so mean and bossy," she says. Haha.
@L'Académie
@L'Académie
Monday 17 October 2011
He's like a firework; destructive, addictive and explosive sparkles in the jet black sky that make me wonder. I want to be taken away from my false embrace of gravity. I want to be lost in those ungraspable moments, amazed by their electrifying energy, always.
...but wouldn't the desire to make a firework long-lasting be a fool's pursuit? I hear how they say they want to spend good times with me but...I have someone who's willing to stay with me through bad times, how fortunate am I and what more can I ask.
...but wouldn't the desire to make a firework long-lasting be a fool's pursuit? I hear how they say they want to spend good times with me but...I have someone who's willing to stay with me through bad times, how fortunate am I and what more can I ask.
Sunday 16 October 2011
Why would someone let a person back in after putting in so much effort to permanently forget them? I clearly know that I'm in a relationship with someone who loves me a lot and I should avoid these conflicting situations but ultimately, it's one of the things I clearly know of the consequences but will do it nonetheless. The reason? There is none.
I like how he wants me to try everything; his vanilla and strawberry yogurt, his vodka mixed with mango juice and I like how he explains football to me. Isn't that adorable? I don't think I ever saw this side of him. It makes me smile thinking about it. I just really want to know everything about him.
...but he can be so frustrating as well. He'd insult and blame others just because things are not the way he thinks should be, without ever thinking that it could be himself the problem. This guy doesn't even realize that he can hurtful sometimes. But no matter how mean and unfair he's been to me, I just can't really hate him. There are times I feel like he actually needs someone to talk to.
Oh, and when he tells me, with an angry face, to stop staring at him, I kind of laugh inside, ha.
I like how he wants me to try everything; his vanilla and strawberry yogurt, his vodka mixed with mango juice and I like how he explains football to me. Isn't that adorable? I don't think I ever saw this side of him. It makes me smile thinking about it. I just really want to know everything about him.
...but he can be so frustrating as well. He'd insult and blame others just because things are not the way he thinks should be, without ever thinking that it could be himself the problem. This guy doesn't even realize that he can hurtful sometimes. But no matter how mean and unfair he's been to me, I just can't really hate him. There are times I feel like he actually needs someone to talk to.
Oh, and when he tells me, with an angry face, to stop staring at him, I kind of laugh inside, ha.
Trust
Trust is a funny thing. I don't understand why people put so much importance into that irrelevant word.
Do I trust Jonathan? Do I trust that he'll always be faithful, treat me good, take care of me, be there when I need him? Of course not and the reason is plain and simple; people change and situation arises.
We could be understanding, open-minded and put in so much effort to know someone but ultimately, how close do you come to their true essence? Do we really know anything important about anyone? What can you trust and based on what? And if you can never understand someone 100%, then why would trust be relevant?
I trust Jonathan's driving skills enough to sit in his car because based on the past, he always drove me safely to my destination. I also trust his cooking skills because those are things that are subject to little change and can be depended on based on history. I could bet 5000$ that his pasta sauce will taste awesome but, not my whole fortune. I trust him that today he's madly in love with me, but tomorrow? In 6 months? 10 years? I trust him 99% that he'll not beat me up because he's sweet and loving...but if he's on drugs and we're having a fight? Who knows.
The only ways you could 100% trust someone is by choosing to ignore the facts because they are your family, or you have to be completely naive.
They say that a lack of trust always create insecurity. However,I think insecurity only happens when we're afraid of not being able to forecast changes and that things won't remain the same...but of course they won't. What never changes in this world? Even my BigMac doesn't always look the same.
Lastly, just because you don't trust doesn't mean you have to be miserable, lonely and worry all the time. No matter how great things are right now, how much you trust them at this moment, who can guarantee tomorrow? And although nothing is guaranteed, there is absolutely nothing to be sad about. Sometimes, you just have to let go, accept that circumstances change and so do people.
Trust could really just be a thing of the moment, even irrational at times.
...and in Bertrand Russell's words?
Do I trust Jonathan? Do I trust that he'll always be faithful, treat me good, take care of me, be there when I need him? Of course not and the reason is plain and simple; people change and situation arises.
We could be understanding, open-minded and put in so much effort to know someone but ultimately, how close do you come to their true essence? Do we really know anything important about anyone? What can you trust and based on what? And if you can never understand someone 100%, then why would trust be relevant?
I trust Jonathan's driving skills enough to sit in his car because based on the past, he always drove me safely to my destination. I also trust his cooking skills because those are things that are subject to little change and can be depended on based on history. I could bet 5000$ that his pasta sauce will taste awesome but, not my whole fortune. I trust him that today he's madly in love with me, but tomorrow? In 6 months? 10 years? I trust him 99% that he'll not beat me up because he's sweet and loving...but if he's on drugs and we're having a fight? Who knows.
The only ways you could 100% trust someone is by choosing to ignore the facts because they are your family, or you have to be completely naive.
They say that a lack of trust always create insecurity. However,I think insecurity only happens when we're afraid of not being able to forecast changes and that things won't remain the same...but of course they won't. What never changes in this world? Even my BigMac doesn't always look the same.
Lastly, just because you don't trust doesn't mean you have to be miserable, lonely and worry all the time. No matter how great things are right now, how much you trust them at this moment, who can guarantee tomorrow? And although nothing is guaranteed, there is absolutely nothing to be sad about. Sometimes, you just have to let go, accept that circumstances change and so do people.
Trust could really just be a thing of the moment, even irrational at times.
...and in Bertrand Russell's words?
A young turkey was brought into a farm and was fed regularly every morning at the same time with a fresh supply of grass. Like any other being interested in the future, he wanted to convincingly predict the future and not use the first few days of his life as an indicator of things to come. Having an erudite lineage, he figured he should not commit the fallacy of jumping the gun to reach a conclusion and instead would gather a large data set for his observation.
After 364 days, drawing from the specific instances, he concluded the obvious generalization – he would be well fed every morning until he grew old and died. Unfortunately, the very next day was Thanksgiving and the turkey was slaughtered and became the star meal of the day at the farmer’s house.
Importfest 2011
Monday 10 October 2011
To tell the truth, I’m a horrible model and I’d much rather be sleeping at home with a teddy bear. I’m just not big on being the center of attention and I know I sound terrible for saying this, but I'm smarter than that, ha just kidding. But seriously, I'm just not into that anymore.
Sunday 9 October 2011
Seeing him again is like seeing an old friend, even though we were never friends, but a bond exists underneath, or maybe some sort of mutual understanding. It felt different to see him again; it’s almost like it was a different person in front of me, a stranger I met in another life.
…riding for hours, alongside shiny cars, uphill through suburb houses, coloured leaves, dreams of tranquility and I see the layers of colours changing from blue to red in the sky as well as everything I’ve associated him with…the sunset, the moment, freedom, and passion. I also see the open white of pure possibility; my time and space expanding.
I was hoping that he doesn’t mention anything that has to do with the past but when he did, it seemed foreign to me. Time has elapsed, new situation has arisen, and layers have been peeled off since then. It’s finally comfortable to be around him.
…riding for hours, alongside shiny cars, uphill through suburb houses, coloured leaves, dreams of tranquility and I see the layers of colours changing from blue to red in the sky as well as everything I’ve associated him with…the sunset, the moment, freedom, and passion. I also see the open white of pure possibility; my time and space expanding.
I was hoping that he doesn’t mention anything that has to do with the past but when he did, it seemed foreign to me. Time has elapsed, new situation has arisen, and layers have been peeled off since then. It’s finally comfortable to be around him.
Scent
Wednesday 5 October 2011
It's such a privilege to know someone's scent because, it means you've had the chance to be close with that person. Intimacy and physical contact carry scent, and when that contact disappears, the scent fades as well. I hope that scent never fades.
I think I'm falling in love with everything associated with the scent of this scarf ♥
Grey clouds
Saturday 1 October 2011
Of all the different colors, textures and shapes, the heavy clouds just relieved by the letting of rain and storm are my favorite. I look behind the dark clouds of today and I see the sunny blue sky. Shadows cool the skin and while it remains, the sun’s light is bright and sight. How bittersweet.
Abusing food
Thursday 29 September 2011
If there's one thing I like about Ottawa, it must me the restaurants. They have so many good ones to choose from and they have the right combination; spacious space, great ambiance, beautiful and attractive decor, very pretty waitresses. The food is great obviously but the reason I put emphasis on the setting is because if the setting is not good then everything else is bad including the food...but that just me. Also, people just seem happier here in general.
Wednesday 28 September 2011
I'm on business trip right now. I wouldn't mind if it was in Florida, but the problem is that it's in Ottawa. There's absolutely nothing to do here except trashing my hotel room...
PS.: I'll be working at the Importfest this Saturday as a JVC spokesmodel. I'm so excited! You should all come get my picture signed, ha just kidding. But seriously, come see me :)
Hockey
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Would I sound uncultivated if I said I never watched a hockey game in my life before?! I mean, I watched one or two times on TV, but certainly not because I find hockey interesting. I think the only sports I enjoy watching are baseball and...wrestling maybe. Oh, and I kind of like volleyball too, just because I'm Chinese.
Jonathan will probably never bring me again because he said I kept checking dudes out. Oh well.
Nonetleless, I enjoyed my evening :)
Fate
Sunday 25 September 2011
It used to be something I didn’t believe in but, there was a time when I sought strange and far places and followed unfamiliar paths in search of an answer. "Is there such thing as fate?" I asked complete strangers. If fate really existed, I should be able to find it even in the most unlikely places, I told myself.
I never found a convincing answer until I saw this picture.
That's a picture of my parents on the day of their wedding. The place behind is where all my family used to live. I, myself, spent the very first year of my life there and frequently went back to visit my grand-parents. There was an Italian man residing right next door with his family. He used to offer melons he planted in his backyard to my grand-parents. That man was Jonathan’s grand-father.
A few years later, my grand-parents moved away as well. I also forgot about the existence of this place and moved onward with my life.
About twenty years later, I walked a seemingly unknown path to visit Jonathan's place for the first time. I was complaintful and unenthusiastic; I didn't realize that he was actually taking me back to a place where I spent the earliest part of my childhood. What are the chances? Isn't life odd? It's a place I forgot existed and even at this very moment...it's still a blur. It feels distant, yet a sense of home is present.
Fate is like gravity. You can run as far as you wish, but the earth is still round and you will eventually come back the departure point. A part of me refused to accept. Fate is scary and it's hard to admit defeat, but it somehow completes us and your heart knows. Flight and defiance take courage but acceptance doesn’t require any less.
All this could be a mere coincidence, but how many coincidences does it take for two people to meet?
Today, when I look at Jonathan, everything makes sense.
It’s all written.
I never found a convincing answer until I saw this picture.
That's a picture of my parents on the day of their wedding. The place behind is where all my family used to live. I, myself, spent the very first year of my life there and frequently went back to visit my grand-parents. There was an Italian man residing right next door with his family. He used to offer melons he planted in his backyard to my grand-parents. That man was Jonathan’s grand-father.
A few years later, my grand-parents moved away as well. I also forgot about the existence of this place and moved onward with my life.
About twenty years later, I walked a seemingly unknown path to visit Jonathan's place for the first time. I was complaintful and unenthusiastic; I didn't realize that he was actually taking me back to a place where I spent the earliest part of my childhood. What are the chances? Isn't life odd? It's a place I forgot existed and even at this very moment...it's still a blur. It feels distant, yet a sense of home is present.
Fate is like gravity. You can run as far as you wish, but the earth is still round and you will eventually come back the departure point. A part of me refused to accept. Fate is scary and it's hard to admit defeat, but it somehow completes us and your heart knows. Flight and defiance take courage but acceptance doesn’t require any less.
All this could be a mere coincidence, but how many coincidences does it take for two people to meet?
Today, when I look at Jonathan, everything makes sense.
It’s all written.
Consistency
Saturday 24 September 2011
This is the second time he breaks up with me. He wants no anger, no downs and no demands. He tells me that he needs consistency…but isn’t he the one who always confidently claims how he will never leave me? How he wants me back and then changes his mind? Where is the consistency in that? And how am I not consistent?
Without anger, passion and joy are nowhere to be found. Without the downs, the ups are left inexperienced. Without demands, neither expectations nor caring is possible. And so, I joy no more, expect no more, and care no more.
...he asks me why am I not as happy as I used to be. It’s because happiness comes with a price. I thought I could be free around him but, this is no longer as true as it once was.
Why am I still with him? One of our main differences is that I can find energy from within, while he needs external support. I guess it’s because I want to overcome this and because I’m consistent. Maybe I can change for him, for myself and for the better; it will take time but it's our ability as human beings to change and adapt. I don’t know if that's right anymore, but only time can tell.
Without anger, passion and joy are nowhere to be found. Without the downs, the ups are left inexperienced. Without demands, neither expectations nor caring is possible. And so, I joy no more, expect no more, and care no more.
...he asks me why am I not as happy as I used to be. It’s because happiness comes with a price. I thought I could be free around him but, this is no longer as true as it once was.
Why am I still with him? One of our main differences is that I can find energy from within, while he needs external support. I guess it’s because I want to overcome this and because I’m consistent. Maybe I can change for him, for myself and for the better; it will take time but it's our ability as human beings to change and adapt. I don’t know if that's right anymore, but only time can tell.
Resentment
Sunday 11 September 2011
I originally didn’t want to discuss this because I thought it would seem too dramatic, but it's been causing problems lately.
Jonathan actually wanted to break up with me a few weeks ago, on august 18th to be precise. Is that a little OCD wanting to remember the exact day? His tears were falling like a waterfall as he spoke. It was hard for him to make this decision, I can tell.
I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Maybe because I feel entitled of something?
Maybe because I feel I exert some power over him?
Maybe I don’t like him as much as he likes me?
Maybe I was toying with him?
You know, the truth is that there was probably some of everything.
He once said that he would never give up on me but that night, he explained that he couldn’t see the possibility of carrying on. Even the strongest of the strongest have their limits, I guess? How is someone supposed to deal with so much emotional volatility, right? Maybe we're just incompatible…but if we truly believe in something, would we be able to make this work? Don’t men have the power to shape their destiny and create their relationships?
He insisted on breaking up and for the first time, I was scared to loose him.
Isn't that laughable? And despicable?
He was hoping to remain friends. I refused. "We have to become strangers if we're breaking up," I said. Do you know what the hardest part of moving on is? It's to constantly wonder whether that person might reach out and maybe want us back. If they reach out in the middle of us moving on, all our efforts go to waste. "Is it over?" I asked one more time. "Will you regret? Can we not break up?"
"I don't know. I always feel like I have to please you, to measure up. I have to carefully choose my words to not deceive you. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells," he explained and I immediately understood. I was once in his shoes and I know how hard that is. "Why do you want to be with me?"
"I don't know.” Should there be any reasons when it comes from the heart?
After 4 hours of tearful conversation, he gave me another chance and I was determined to prove him that he made the right decision. I made resolutions; I must not hang up on him and I must not cut him off. I will not leave him in the dark and keep him guessing. I have to embrace the time we share. I have to start believing in him and that we can make it. I really have to resist those temptations to look back on the past; it’s all done and over. I have to move forward.
Is that a false embrace of gravity? Do I love him? I don’t know either.
I went to bed with resolutions and some unanswered questions. The next morning however, I woke up with resentment.
I realized that he’s not really what I thought he was…
He said he likes the good times we spend together but he cannot take the downs anymore.
He said he had to give up on me when he once said he wouldn’t.
He said he wanted to break up but didn’t want to move on…which just doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yes, I know. I wanted to break up at some point as well. The difference is that I never said I wouldn't; I never said I wanted to be with him for a long time nor did I say I would not give up.
I started to regret the things I said the night before. Maybe I should've let this end. In his eyes, we made an improvement and entered a new level of trust...which is the total opposite of the way I feel. I can't really take him seriously anymore.
He invited me to his grand-parents place for his grand-father's birthday and I accepted at first but now...I don't feel like going anymore.
"Why should I go?!" I said. They aren’t my grand-parents; I don't miss them and I got nothing to say to them....but honestly, his aunt is very nice and his grand-mother is so sweet. I like them a lot actually.
“…to be with me?”
Do I even want to be with him anymore? I have a lot of doubts rights now. "I just need time to think through this," I told him. It's been 4 weeks now, and I still haven't yet. We still spend some good times together but from time to time, I feel betrayed.
Jonathan actually wanted to break up with me a few weeks ago, on august 18th to be precise. Is that a little OCD wanting to remember the exact day? His tears were falling like a waterfall as he spoke. It was hard for him to make this decision, I can tell.
I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Maybe because I feel entitled of something?
Maybe because I feel I exert some power over him?
Maybe I don’t like him as much as he likes me?
Maybe I was toying with him?
You know, the truth is that there was probably some of everything.
He once said that he would never give up on me but that night, he explained that he couldn’t see the possibility of carrying on. Even the strongest of the strongest have their limits, I guess? How is someone supposed to deal with so much emotional volatility, right? Maybe we're just incompatible…but if we truly believe in something, would we be able to make this work? Don’t men have the power to shape their destiny and create their relationships?
He insisted on breaking up and for the first time, I was scared to loose him.
Isn't that laughable? And despicable?
He was hoping to remain friends. I refused. "We have to become strangers if we're breaking up," I said. Do you know what the hardest part of moving on is? It's to constantly wonder whether that person might reach out and maybe want us back. If they reach out in the middle of us moving on, all our efforts go to waste. "Is it over?" I asked one more time. "Will you regret? Can we not break up?"
"I don't know. I always feel like I have to please you, to measure up. I have to carefully choose my words to not deceive you. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells," he explained and I immediately understood. I was once in his shoes and I know how hard that is. "Why do you want to be with me?"
"I don't know.” Should there be any reasons when it comes from the heart?
After 4 hours of tearful conversation, he gave me another chance and I was determined to prove him that he made the right decision. I made resolutions; I must not hang up on him and I must not cut him off. I will not leave him in the dark and keep him guessing. I have to embrace the time we share. I have to start believing in him and that we can make it. I really have to resist those temptations to look back on the past; it’s all done and over. I have to move forward.
Is that a false embrace of gravity? Do I love him? I don’t know either.
I went to bed with resolutions and some unanswered questions. The next morning however, I woke up with resentment.
I realized that he’s not really what I thought he was…
He said he likes the good times we spend together but he cannot take the downs anymore.
He said he had to give up on me when he once said he wouldn’t.
He said he wanted to break up but didn’t want to move on…which just doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yes, I know. I wanted to break up at some point as well. The difference is that I never said I wouldn't; I never said I wanted to be with him for a long time nor did I say I would not give up.
I started to regret the things I said the night before. Maybe I should've let this end. In his eyes, we made an improvement and entered a new level of trust...which is the total opposite of the way I feel. I can't really take him seriously anymore.
He invited me to his grand-parents place for his grand-father's birthday and I accepted at first but now...I don't feel like going anymore.
"Why should I go?!" I said. They aren’t my grand-parents; I don't miss them and I got nothing to say to them....but honestly, his aunt is very nice and his grand-mother is so sweet. I like them a lot actually.
“…to be with me?”
Do I even want to be with him anymore? I have a lot of doubts rights now. "I just need time to think through this," I told him. It's been 4 weeks now, and I still haven't yet. We still spend some good times together but from time to time, I feel betrayed.
Body
I’ve been experiencing a distant and untouchable pain lately, impassionate tears and drama seeking rage. I notice a collection of remnant emotional pain in my energy field that eagerly devours every negative thought. Anger swells, tears fall, adrenaline pumps but my heart does not ache. It’s as if I’m unaware of the sadness, but my body recognizes it. It remembers.
Goodbye
Thursday 1 September 2011
I don't know anymore. I'm confused and exhausted.
Move on, I tell myself. It's never wrong to move forward, isn't it? I have a great man by my side now. How could this be wrong?
Move on, please.
The cure for anything
"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."
-Isak Dinesen
:)
-Isak Dinesen
:)
Misadventures in New York
Tuesday 30 August 2011
When it involves New York, it always involves exaggerateted drama. Here's how they prepare for their huge hurricane.
Not in New York.
Not in New York.
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