Seriously...What the fuck!
Yesterday, I texted Jonathan "You don't answer my calls, you don't answer my texts, you don't even call to say goodnight. Do you still want to be with me or not?" He told me to relax and that I might lack of balance...but I knew the problem wasn't just in my head, because a woman's intuition is never wrong.
So I started telling him that I thought about him and how we met the first time "You remember? We were on the observatory of Mont-Royal and you asked me to tell you something about my life and I said I nothing to say. Then a lady asked you to take a picture of her so you asked me to hold your bottle of water..."
"Waw, you remember details like these?"
"Of course I do. That's why when people lie to me, I can tell right away," I said, hoping that he gets the message.
...
Today, we were supposed to see each other.
"Is there hockey tonight? Are you going to watch?" I call him, just to make sure.
"Why?"
"Because if you are going to watch then I'm not coming over," I answered.
When he watches hockey, I usually just try to study or I do nothing at all, but it's hard to study at his place since there's not even a clean table, so I usually just sit around doing nothing. Instead of siting around doing nothing, why don't I do something productive at home, right? Nothing wrong with that.
Also, what's the point of being in the same place when we're each doing our own thing? Might as well stay in the comfort of your own room, no? Of course the story would've been different if we lived together, but we don't. We already don't see each other a lot, so is it reasonable that I expect him to actually be with me physically and mentally for the little time we spend together?
For some reasons, he took it wrong and hung up on me.
"What's your problem?" I texted him. "I think something changed between us."
"Geez Elaine...what is it? I'm disappointed that you wouldn't come over if a game is on. Whatever, hockey is all winter so if it's a problem for us to be in the same place while a game is on then, what can I say."
"What I meant is that it's fine if you want to watch hockey, but just tell me now. Don't tell me when I'll be at your place tonight. Thats' all."
"That's fine. What do you mean by things have changed?"
"You're less understanding. You do less in general..."
"I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you feel that way. What more do you want from me. It's like...you think you're entitled to something for putting up with me."
"That not what I meant."
"That's how I feel sometimes, which is why I'm less engaged. Plus honestly, you didn't come over 1 time last week because I couldn't pick you up. That was really weak. And I had to deal with you complaining every day and I was the one who was sick. Also, you're the one who told me you had to study so I would see you less...now this. I don't get it."
...ha, now he admits there's something wrong and it wasn't just in my head.
1-I didn't go to his place last week because I really cannot get sick at this time. I have to work, I have to study and I have exams. I really don't have extra time to get sick.
2-If I had to take the bus to his place, I would have to waste 2 hours, which is just not worth it if I had to get sick on top of that.
3-I never complained. And if I actually complained then it's only because I couldn't see my boyfriend...not because there is gold or something at his place. Geez.
4-The fact that we see each other less is not the problem. I didn't complain about this. All I want was just to make the most out of the little time we spend together. What's so hard to understand?!
Is he seriously holding a grudge because I didn't visit him when he was sick?!
"Do you expect me to not study for you? That's what I mean when I say that you're less understanding..."
"I was looking forward to see you tonight, now it's whatever..."
"All I'm trying to do is to solve the problem, but you're taking it the wrong way. I was telling you that something changed, and you denied. And now, you admit that you're less engaged because of X reason that I'm not even aware of. You're letting this creating distances between us."
"The arguing is pointless. I'm tired of texting..."
"I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just trying to make you understand without necessarily agreeing..."
"That's the bottom line for me." he said...
Crying is actually not that sad. What's more sad than crying is having to hold it back...and I was at work.
...
After work, I called him to ask whether we'll see each other or not, because if not then I have other plans.
"Why, Who you going with?"
"I just want to know, because I might go out after. Can you tell me right now?"
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Drinking maybe?"
"Why do you have to talk to me like that? Usually you would be nicer if you knew I was pissed. And now you're giving me a threat or what?"
At this point, I really had enough.
1-I didn't intentionally provoke him by saying that I might go out. I only answered his question, with an honest answer, like any normal person.
2-I was planning on ditching my friends if he wanted to see me.
3-I just seriously wanted to know in advance so I can plan accordingly. Am I not nice enough to ask him first? So I can plan according to him?
...and all this so he can think that I'm throwing him an ultimatum? Why do I even deserve this?
I'm just pointing the problem out because I felt like something was wrong, so we can work it together. If he doesn't tell me, I don't ask, we keep this attitude, we engage less and less, then we're just going break up sooner or later. I'm trying to prevent that and he talks to me with this attitude...What the hell am I supposed to do? Break up? All this effort is one-sided...seriously. What is this relationship for if I can never say anything? and when I do, he blows off like this?!
I realized that once a man has made an opinion about you; it cannot be changed no matter how inaccurate it is. He already has that impression, from the first time we met, that I'm conceited, I'm stuck up and I never do anything for "us" while he's the one who makes all the effort...and look at this now.
FUCK!
What's wrong?
Someone needs to tell me what the fuck is wrong.