Dyno's first real mountain hike

Dyno is not a big fan of the cold, but this week was kind of warmer so I decided to take him on a small hike. He is pretty good off leash, if he walks in front, he always looks back to make sure I'm behind. Otherwise, he usually walks right behind me.

I've taken my parents to that same mountain few years ago, the hike took 3 hours and my dad couldn't take it. My dog did it in under 2 hours. Hopefully, next summer I'll be able to take him on real hikes :)

2019

2019 was probably one of the happiest years of my adult life. There were many good changes and moments out of my comfort zone. It was one of the years where I've mostly made good decisions for myself, overall stayed aligned with my values and one where I was living. Even though I might have accomplished more in previous years, I don't know if I was truly happy...maybe I was more proud than happy.

This year, I woke up in a small town in Arizona in the middle of a snowstorm wishing I was home. I was in a relationship where I was unhappy and lonely. I was walking on eggshells; there were more crying and yelling than talking. But as one of my best friend would say, the best thing about this in 2019, is that it's finally over.

In the middle of winter, I brought Dyno home. Puppyhood was exhausting but I learned so much about life and the art of living it. Dyno made me realize I needed to slow down and prioritize the things that are meaningful...and suddenly, I'm not that busy anymore. I can just go live my life and try new things, see new things and learn new things. He has filled my life with joy ever since.

This year, I've developed an interest in handicrafts, and home depot became my favorite store. Most furniture in my home is custom and made of different types of wood. I also built some little things such as tree stump stools, wooden spool table and Dyno's crate. I'm not going to lie, I did get help from my ex and others friends. I like that every piece looks unique and has a story. When people ask me where I bought this or that...I'm going to say, I made it.

As spring slowly settled in, I reconnected with an old friend and we took a latte art class together...the kind of thing I would never have done before. She really inspired me because she was not afraid to explore her interests to see where a little spark would take her. She was full of ambitions and not afraid to connect with different people...kind of like my younger self, but I feel I've lost that passion. She reminded me that life is not a race and to not be afraid to waste time to do things that you normally would not do. Always keep an open mind because there is a whole universe we would not see had we chosen otherwise.

In spring, I started doing Yoga again, but this time with a different approach. I used to do yoga as a physical activity, I did it to feel stronger and loose weight. There were times when going to class felt like a chore to me, and I could not wait to be done so I could do the other two million things on my to-do list. There were also times I decided to sleep through class...why would I even do this if I chose to be there you might ask. I think sometimes you feel you have to do things but the intention is not there. Now, I put in effort to focus on the mind and be present during class. A session of yoga makes me feel so good and it helps me find clarity.

I also started painting. I do it so rarely and the times I do, it really takes my mind off things. When I was younger, I was often distracted. I often multi-tasked to save time and to get things done quicker. Now I really value focus and painting helps with concentration. Also, it allows me to escape my analytical mind, the straight lines and the rules.

This year, I started meditating more...and to be honest, I can hardly do it for more than 30 seconds at a time before I get lost in my thoughts again. However, all these things, like paining, doing yoga and listening to audiobooks help me focus on one thing at a time. It's so important to notice your thoughts and to not get involved in them. I'm still not very good at it but this is something I want to dedicate some time to on a daily basis.

This year, I saw shooting stars for the first time. I was sitting by the fire, not paying attention to the sky at all, but as soon as I looked up, the shooting stars ran across the sky and, and disappeared in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't have notice them had I not look up at the right moment. In life and as in this case, one of the most important things is timing. It never ceases to amaze me, and it makes our imagination go wild because we will never understand these meaningful coincidence without causal relationship, but I'm sure are related.

This summer, I started lead climbing. I've mostly done bouldering since I started climbing and it's a good way to practice technical skills and power movements. However lead climbing really made me stronger. The adrenaline you feel while you climb, the fear when you're at your uttermost limit before you have clipped and the endorphin after you fall makes it one of my favorite climbing styles.

Additionally, I've also started climbing outside. Climbing at the gym is good for training but the real fun is outdoors. It is challenging physically, but in my opinion, the real challenge is the knot inside our mind. I learned to focus and not let fear and irrationality get to me, to trust my belayer, my equipment and I need to trust my judgement. It's a real mental exercise...and you are only as capable as you believe you are.

I'm also finally able to do pull ups. Two years ago, I bought a pull-up bar and made it my resolution to do pull-ups. I gave up after a month. This summer, as I was walking in a park, I saw a pull-up bar and decided to give it a try and I did 3 in a row. I know it's not a lot but I was so happy because I didn't even know I could. I did drop 20 pounds this summer too so that definitely helped. However this isn't the point. The point is, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, what's most important is what it can do. Being strong is so much more satisfying than being pretty. My hands are full of callous but I can do pull ups on my finger tips.

This summer, I tried pole-dancing for the first time because I received 30 free passes. Naturally as a rock-climber, I have a lot of upper body strength and strong grip so I can do most moves after a few sessions, but not necessarily executed in the most gracious way. You need a good combination of strength, feminine power, confidence and vulnerability to do this. I know many girls find it empowering but I personally never experienced body image issues so to me, it was just fun. I definitely prefer climbing walls but I'm happy I tried pole-dancing too.

I tried SUP for the first time this summer as well, something I wanted to try for a very long time. Sometimes, just getting off that chair, clear your agenda and actually take action is the hardest part, and it's never that motivating. However once you've done it, you would be so glad you did and it's always worth it.

This year, I did not travel anywhere far, mostly because of Dyno. However, we did some road trips together and there are so many more places I want to go to. I always wanted to try vanlife but I know it's not for me in the long-run. However, I want to do it just for a month for fun. Next year, I want to drive all the way to the west of the continent and hike all the national parks and come back from the USA.

As summer was coming to an end, I went canoe-camping for the first time. I never took the courage to actually go because I was scared of different things that could happen in the water, and the weather might not be good, and I don't even know how to properly navigate a canoe, etc. One day for a reason I can't explain, I just felt like I had to do it. You don't have to wait for someone to be available to do things with you, you can be comfortable alone and have lots of fun. Wait, I'm not alone, I have my dog.

This year, I started cooking more...mostly for my family once in a while. When I was younger, I  sometimes go eat at my grand-parent's place, but having them over is something I have never done before. Cooking with someone is bonding, and cooking for others too. On regular days, I still shamelessly eat at my parent's house.

As the year is almost coming to an end, I found new business goals. I used to say I wanted to retire in my thirties because I've lost my ambition. In my junior years, I did everything I could to get what I wanted, but now I don't want to exchange time for money anymore. I know I'm already very lucky I don't have to work everyday and can work from anywhere but I'm still very much exhausted, maybe because I've grown complacent. I just can't help but roll my eyes anymore. However this year, some combination of factors made me want to do something different and learn something new. I want that uncertainty and excitement again. If you don't believe you are average, then try something new and seize an opportunity, then see how many obstacles and bad decisions it takes before you decide to quit. Statistically, after 1 or 2 failed attempts at something new or difficult, 99.9% of people never try again. I want to find out where I stand in those statistics.

For 2020, I will keep doing things with intent and meditate more. I will keep living a minimalist lifestyle. I will put my health and well-being above everything. I will continue to try new things and go to new places with Dyno. I will stay aligned with my values when facing tough decisions. I also hope to find the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life expected of me and I hope to have the courage to express true feelings and be happy.

Tête-à-tête with Jackie: Riding a cow while finding a horse

"You know, you are living the dream of many people. You are educated, you traveled the world, you have a great career, you have a nice car, you bought your own place and you have your own business before 30..."

"...but have you ever seen any women who are highly successful in their career and in their personal life at the same time? Usually you are either have one or the other...the other is inevitably sacrificed. And if you have both, it's most likely mediocre"

"It's a question of timing."

"Yes timing is everything. Sometimes I just wonder...if I apply the same mentality I have for work for my personal life, would it be more successful? You know how at work, you don't start with your ideal, you feel like you deserve more but you sometimes start low. You are overworked but you know it will pay off, so you sacrifice for it. As soon as you get the experience, you say fuck it and take a better offer. In Chinese, it's called riding a cow while finding a horse...but in dating, can you really date someone who is below your standards?"

"Hahaha"

Dyno's 1st Birthday

Dyno has taught me so much about life in general, he loves everybody, he wants to meet every one. Even though he is generally wary and skeptical of new things, he still finds the courage to face his fears...and sometimes his fears can be something as stupid a blanket that is not at its usual place. The other day, I waited a good 20 minutes for him to walk pass the blanket that fell on the floor. He probably thinks there is a monster under or something. I was so proud of him even for something simple like that.

Most importantly, he has taught me to be more patient. I'm the type of person that can do some outrageous things when I'm mad. There were 2 times that I lashed out on him. The first time was 2-3 weeks after I got him, I locked him in the bathroom inside his carrier where he could not stand or sit because he still cried in his crate at night. The next day, my mom told me that he looked retarded and got dumber than before, and he is not peeing on the pad. Then I learned something, dogs can only strive with love.

The second time was after 3-4 months, he kept barking at another dog in the hallway which got me very mad. As soon as I got home, I started throwing things, even threw my keys at him and I yelled at him. I cried after because I'm afraid that he will be scared of me and will not trust me anymore. Some things cannot be repaired when damage is done, and it's never worth it for a moment of anger. I've decided then that I will never ever act that way again no matter how mad I am.

Today is Dyno's birthday and I wanted to spend all day with him. I even baked him a cake that is safe for dogs and humans. To him, today is just like any other day though. He doesn't think about yesterday or what's to come tomorrow, he just lives in the moment. He doesn't know what I've done or what I will become, but he definitely knows me better that I do, he can feel things and notices every small gestures and the world around him...unlike me who usually avoids eye contact and don't really try to observe strangers. Because of him, I get to connect with people more. He is just a happy dog living his best life. I love him so much and I can never get tired of talking about him <3

Canoe-Camping, part 2

There is something I did not mention about the canoe-camping trip, but I actually left the day before I was supposed to leave.

Here is what happened.

I was relaxing on my the beach and I wasn't really looking at Dyno. He can't really do much nasty stuff, or can he? He was just sitting next to the cooler and 2 bags containing food. Everytime I turned my head, he would be just sitting there and looking at me innocently.  

Then I went to check on him, and saw some sort of foil papers on the sand, and I thought it was probably the wrap used to bake potatoes last night which I was just left in the fire ring. Later, I went to take a nap in the tent, and he slept next to me, but then he vomited twice shortly after. Dyno has a fragile stomach so I don't worry much when he vomits. I cleaned up his vomit and decided to go grab snack. I looked for my chocolate in the bag and could not find it anywhere, even though I'm sure I've left it there.

...and then I clicked. The foil looking paper was not aluminium foil but the chocolate wrap. 

I was like...crap. Chocolate is toxic for dogs and can kill them. I was on an island, far from civilization so there wasn't much I could do. So I googled a calculator to calculate the risk level depending on the type of chocolate, quantity and weight of the dog. He had milk chocolate which is the least toxic, and the calculator said the risks are low. Then I googled what to do, and it said to have him vomit. He already did, great. 

At this point, it was around 6pm...and there was 1 hour left before sunset. Dyno wasn't feeling well, he seemed low in energy and he was shaking because of the cold and probably because he wasn't feeling great, and I was worried about him although logically, I knew he should be fine. There was rain forecasted for the morning when I planned to leave...and I debated for a while...is it better to leave in the rain or in the dark? And I think it's probably better to leave tonight considering the situation. 

I packed up my stuff fast, because my island is quite far and I don't want to struggle with directions in the dark. I left at 6:36pm and sunset was a few minutes before 7pm. It took me a good hour and a half to get to the island, so even if I paddle non-stop, I estimate I would make it in an hour which would already be past sunset. I left the island and started paddling, the waves crashing agaisnt my canoe was pretty scary and I thought to myself, even if it gets dark, as long as I stay in my canoe, I should survive, and apparently canoes are stable.

First, I had to reach the big islands but there is quite a bit of distance not to mention it was windy that evening. It was probably the roughest part as there was nothing to protect us from the wind, but at least there was still day light and it was manageable. There was brief rain, which is fine. I was tired but I kept going. I wanted to take off my jacket because I was hot, but I didn't even want to waste time doing it. I was racing against time and every second counted. It seemed never ending as the current kept pushing me back.

Once I finally reached the big islands, I tried to stay close so I won't be hit by the wind. Also, I think that was not the route I used at the beginning which worried me. At this point, there was probably 30% of sunlight left. I crashed into an island because I was going too fast and I could not stop the canoe. There was still wind, just a bit less terrible.

It was getting darker by the second. I made a turn somewhere and I recognized a tree that I have seen at the beginning and I remember it because I thought it looked like a statue. At this point, it was all dark but I remember the dock was diagonally ahead from that statue-looking tree. There were 3 lights that I could see and probably one of them was the dock. I went towards the brightest, not realizing that the brightest was actually on the opposite side of the river, but it was already pitch black and I could not distinguish dimensions anymore. Lights on both sides seemed like they were on the same side.

I could not see the dock until I was 2 meters from it, and struggled a bit to tie the canoe to the dock but that was the easy part. It was definitely scary but I'm so happy. The drive back was scary too but less scary than being in the water.

I monitored Dyno for the next couple of days and he is fine now. 

Health

Taking the time for yourself is so important yet it's probably the last thing on the priority list for most people...until it's gone, and I'm no exception to this.

One thing I've rarely talked about is I have ovarian tumor, something that made living life not easy for the past 5-6 years. I did many tests, doctors could not explain why. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but chronic pain, even if it's mild it makes you go crazy and it makes you weak mentally, because it's constantly there to remind you of its presence. In my case, the pain level varied. On days it really hurts, I can't stand straight or walk, I don't eat, I just stay in bed.

Other times, when the pain is mild, I try to stay strong and not let it affect my life, I'd go hiking to get my mind to focus on something else, but that only made it worst the next day.  I remember how helpless and depressed I felt for years. I wondered, why me? Why am I wasting my days away in bed? There is nothing I could do. You can only go as far as your body carries you, and I could not control it.

I'm better now and I haven't experienced pain in the past year, and coincidentally, not since Dyno was born. Which is why I need to be more careful now; I avoid processed foods, medications, and unnatural products. I think we all know but don't care, but something as innocent as a tampon can cause you to loose a leg or die. The risks are low, but it could happen to anybody. Even if the side effects of medications and such are minor, you might just be the unlucky one.

Little things such as taking the time to deep stretch, meditate and work out really helped me a lot. Having a dog is beneficial to mental health as well. I also moved to a place with bright natural light all day long and I live with over 50 of my plant children that supply me with clean fresh air. I never realized how much it changed my mood in general until now. I also try not to read e-mails past office hours anymore. Clients might have urgent issues to deal with, but too much is urgent nowadays and urgent is not actually that urgent. Nothing is more urgent than your mental health, and that perspective really reduced my stress level.

When you're mentally well, your body follows, your blood pressure decrease, you can mitigate chronic pain, sleep better, fight addictions. Meditation is still too high level for me, but I've been doing a little bit of it here and there, and even a little bit gives me so much clarity. I want to make it a point to keep on doing it.

I'm able to do all the activities that I love such as rock climbing, yoga and hiking because I have a healthy body and I can't be thankful enough.

Don't fall off the cliff

I just realized how I never wrote about that road trip in the southwest. Although the landscape was really incredible, I was too consumed by his negative energy to appreciate. I thought, should I just leave him behind? I wonder how he'll do without speaking a word of English, without gps, without data and without money or a functioning credit card. It's nothing illegal if I do this, right? After all, I rented the car and he is the one depending me. Too bad I'm not mean enough to actually do it.

I was looking at the pictures yesterday and saw this photo and thought I'd write about this episode, and maybe others later if I feel inspired enough to do so. Maybe I will laugh about this when I'm old. The night before taking this photo was rainy and windy, we were driving north on the coast of California. I thought of my mom who told me stories of people falling off cliffs with their cars in California which made me a bit scared. I was trying to be in a good mood, and definitely did not want to argue. I don't trust his driving skills nor do I trust the hybrid car. We have had some minor car accidents while having arguments, nothing serious luckily. One time in Death Valley, he was so mad that he drove over a concrete parking bumper at night and part of the floor pan came off.

He always says that I decide everything, so I asked him to decide what he wanted to do. He said he doesn't know...why would you complain if you don't even know what you want to do. Then he says it's not about him deciding, he wants to decide together...In my head, if you decide together, someone still has to make suggestions first which he never does. I was really patient and even gave him options...just like I would to a kid, he just had to pick. That's what he thinks "deciding together" is anyways. He picked San Francisco. I have already been but fine, let's not debate.

There were landslides and such in some parts of the road, but everything went well and we were determined to make it to San Francisco before the end of the trip...until we drove over a big rock and got a flat in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere while going uphill, without reception, without light, without service, without spare. We were able to stop the car right at the road bend, and there was a tiny space between the hill and the road, but it was still dangerous as cars coming up could probably not see us.

I had an offline map on my phone and could see there was a hotel/gas station 1 minute of driving away...which we have not seen any in a while. How lucky but unlucky at the same time. It could've been a lot worst. One minute of driving is still a long time if you walk at night on a twisty road with mountains on one side and the ocean on the other, without really being able to see neither because it was so dark. There was not much walking space, so we had to walk on the same road as the cars and as soon as we saw lights from either side, we had to move to the other lane. One of the cars stopped us and offered us a ride thankfully.

We borrowed a phone at the hotel and the nearest towing company was 3 hours away...ugh can you believe? and it's not 24H, so we ended up staying at that hotel right by the coast at Ragged Point.

We never made it to San Francisco as the tow truck came to get us the next day and drove us back down to the nearest town south. It was a really nice day, very sunny and warm. We got to see sea lions on the shore which I never noticed before. As they say, the destination doesn't matter...and the journey was definitely something to remember. The funny thing, it's the most unlucky day of our trip, but I think it was probably my happiest day too, especially when I was in the tow truck with that beat up car behind. I can't even explain. I'm almost feeling like...God is with you, you don't want to go to San Francisco? You ain't going.

We were lent a 4x4 too...just when we need it least.

Everyday I spend my time Drinking wine, feeling fine...

Today was a really nice day to do a little road trip and visit a vineyard. I haven't done one of these in a while and forgot how relaxing it was. We drove through a tree tunnel to arrive at the vineyard which was picturesque and the weather was perfect. There were people dancing around, playing music and crushing grapes. Everyone was very friendly and smiley, which really added to the atmosphere.  It felt like we entered an enchanted village and the wines made of strawberries, cherries and angel's kiss in spring. We tasted some wines and local products that all came from nearby while seated amidst the vines. Dyno received a lot of attention too.

Groceries with Dyno

I'm not going to lie, I sneaked my dog into grocery stores on several occasions. I don't do it as often anymore now that he got heavier. This time, we visited Ferme Regis which is one of the first grocery stores in Quebec accepting smaller dogs inside if they are placed in a wooden basket. There are lots of local products inside which I love.

There was also a corn maze where you can get lost in, empty silos in which you can hear your echo, old cars to take pictures with and a little farm with animals to entertain your dog. I personally think dogs should be accepted in more places but I agree that most dog owners are terrible, which ruins it for the rest of us, but I'm not going to let this stop me and Dyno :)

Good old days

I'm back from the woods where I spent a weekend in a cabin without reception. We completely disconnected and we just played cards, talked to each other, cooked food and listened to 90s music. It was really just like the good old days. It was a rainy weekend, and we did not go out much, but it was a weekend more than well-spent and I feel it was completely full.

I've always dreamed of living somewhere far far away where I could just live off the land and stop relying on technology. Maybe that's too ambitious for me, but doing small things in my every day life already make me feel more sane. I don't own a TV at home, I stopped looking at my screen just to pass time, I don't even listen to music anymore when I'm outside, and I always try to be alert to my surroundings. Focusing on one thing at a time is still difficult for me, but when I do, even if it's not for very long, makes me feel content and connected to real life.

Memories are still the greatest treasure that a person can hold, far greater than any electronic device on the planet.

My first canoe-camping trip

Here I am, on an empty island by myself, with my dog Dyno of course. My hands are cold and I cannot write fluidly, which is weirdly satisfying at the same time. It forces me to slow down my thoughts and it makes me more conscious of the words I'm writing.

Yesterday, as I about to leave, I saw a hairy green caterpillar on my paddle. I thought to myself, am I really ready for this kind of adventure? It took me some courage to come on this trip. I never did this before. I think I might have done canoeing for fun before but I can't confidently say that I'll be able to manage if there were strong wind, thunderstorm and strong current, with my stuff and my dog on top of this.

I really wanted to do something different though, perhaps something that scared me a little. It seems like I haven't gone out of my comfort zone in a while. I went alone on a tandem canoe because I wanted to have enough space for Dyno and my stuff, but I didn't think it would be that difficult to maneuver, especially with the wind. Very lucky that I have quite strong arms, but it was definitely tiring.

Last week, there was rain forecasted for the 3 days I'm here, but turns out it's warm and sunny. Life has its own plan and it's best to believe.

Dyno is having fun, tasting the water, playing with the branches, getting his paws wet, rolling in the sand and protecting me from the small animals on the island. He is also chasing some monarch that is trying to land on the beach. What a cutie pie, right? I have to keep an eye on this sneaky boy so he doesn't steal the food. Yesterday, he had a sip of my wine which really worried me. He's fine now, luckily.

I want to sit back, and relax, and just follow the current. I've also deactivated my facebook a while ago. I want to live a life for myself, not for others. I want to be comfortable with where I'm at in life. I don't want to worry about time and having a to-do list and being organized. I got all the time in the world today and I will just sit here and let the time pass without any purpose, but with all the purpose and meaning in the world at the same time. There are lots of crazy thoughts going through my mind, but it's okay. I'm not trying to fight them or engage them, I'm just acknowledging them.

Today is a good day, the sound of the waves crashing into my island woke me up. I sort of brushed my teeth but did not wash my face as I brought limited water with me. Needless to say, there won't be any shower. It's fine, I'm alone on this island.  It's a warm and sunny day of fall, which is probably my favorite at the moment.

I'm drinking cold brew from that mug from Death Valley, it makes appreciate the cold and crisp air in the morning. There is something about this weather, it smells adventure. People are gone back to their routine, summer flings are over, and nature suddenly becomes more still. It's getting colder, but the sun is still comforting.

The sunset is beautiful and what a surprise. My mom asked me if I'm not scared to be alone on an island, I said I'm not. There are places scarier than this but people have chosen to accept a certain form of prison and safe slavery. Nature is not to be scared of. I'm glad I came here. I always tell myself that I'd rather regret doing something than not doing something, and knowing this makes me feel like I have all the answers in the world and I will always know where to go.

We tried SUP for the first time

I saw this video some years ago, it's about a guy contemplating the meaning of adventure as he crossed the Georgia Straight from Vancouver to Victoria. He explains that adventure can be as simply as wondering about the possibility of doing just one thing differently than before. It really inspired me and made me want to try SUP.

So, I finally went to Riviere Rouge to try it last weekend. It was a rainy, which sucks but we pretty much had the whole river to ourselves. When the rain finally stopped, we could see the clouds surrounding the mountains and made me feel like we traveled to another country.

Unfortunately for Dyno, he did not know he was going to do SUP. I pretty much dragged him onto the board and took off. Right when we took off is when it started raining pretty heavily. We got all wet and he was shaking from the cold.

After an hour or so, we took a break on one of the many beaches. I let him off leash so he can run for a bit and stretch his paws. When it was time to get back on the board, he really did not want to go back and wasn't listening to me anymore. It took me a good 10 minutes to catch him. I put him on the board and started paddling. Seconds after we left the beach, I don't know what he wanted to do, but he fell in the water, and it kind of pushed me and the board further. Also, the current was not helping. I was a good 3-4 meters away from him at this point. I went on my knees but almost lost my balance.

Poodles are water dogs and I hoped he would enjoy the water. The week before, I took him to a doggy pool to teach him swimming while he was still young. However, I did not know I couldn't get inside the water with him, which made him even more hesitant to be in the water. I gave the employee a ton of shit and gave up on the idea of teaching him swimming this year.

I debated whether I should jump in the water to save him but I really did not want to get wet. It wasn't one of those hot summer days where we were paddling in swimsuit. It wasn't warm and I only had one jacket to protect me from the rain. I see his head was still above the water, so I waited to see if he could swim to me. Obviously, if I could not see his head, I would jump in right away. I called him several times and finally...he swam towards my SUP. I was so scared but so happy at the same time, because Dyno finally learned to swim!

I'm so proud of my little wet rat!