My dramaless life

My life has been dramaless lately, so it's good that D called because I desperately needed something to get angry over.

D: What are you doing? Me: Library. What do you want? D: You going to club tonight? **Do I sound like I want to club? Me: No, I'm studying. D: but we're saturday... **So? Me: I know. What do you want? **Maybe I was hallucinating, but I kinda heard some guy in the background imitating my "What do you want?". What a bunch of lifeless kids. D: Nothing, I'll call you later. Me: Don't. I'll be in the library later too. D: I meant tomorrow. Me: I'll be in the library tomorrow too. D: ...Okay. **Disappointed yet? yes? great.

I'm totally bored

Geez I'm so childish!



Guess who sucks dicks.



My second home...sort of.



That cat loves me so much that he (or maybe she) comes by everyday. He's very handsome. Like really.



My sister telling me to shut up

It's not my fault if he texts me

Okay, don't freak out. It's not my fault if he texts me.

J: Hey, Had a good time with u yesterday. Sorry if I got u in trouble with ur mom.

Awh...he took the time to text me. How sweet!

*2 minutes later*

What a player, what the hell does he want?!

Tail: We drink at my place

J: I'll help you with your exam. Me: Ok, but I'll put the blame on you if I fail. J: Alright, it will be my fault. Me: But if I pass, that's because I'm smart. J: Right.

So last night, J and I wanted to study together, but he was busy until late, so we decided to just chill instead. He came up with 2 choices. The first one is just to drink at his place and the second choice would be to drink at the casino. Okay, I didn’t necessarily think that he planned to fuck me, but if we drink at his place, we will obviously not going to only drink. Duh!

We couldn’t decide, so he flipped a coin.
If it’s head: We go to the casino
If it’s tail: We go to his place
*flip*…It’s tail! Geez are both sides tail? That could be a good trick (I’m just saying this for you boys).

Me: What was tail? **just trying to be innocent. J: Ok, let’s redo this. **See? He could’ve just reminded me that tail means we’re going to his place, but he didn’t. That’s why I thought that he didn’t only come out because he wanted to sleep with me. Well, he could be trying to act nice too though.

I flipped it again and as clumsy as I am, I lost the coin. So we ended up at his place.

At the beginning, I was sitting on a chair and he was sitting on the bed. Then, he told me to sit on his bed so we can whisper because his roommates are sleeping. Alright, I’m sorry but I just find that so funny. He sounds all innocent, but it somehow seems so well-planned at the same time. Don’t you guys think so too? Or do I have a dirty mind?

Well you can guess what happened next.

I always thought that kind of thing will never end up anywhere if I sleep with a guy before even knowing him and liking him at least a little. You know what I mean? Like, it's pretty hard to learn to know someone when you already saw what that person looks like without clothes. Well I'm not saying it's impossible, it's just difficult. So I’m pretty much just whatever. I’m not calling him and I'm not expecting to see him again.

I deserve better

Sometimes, I try too hard for people I like. I want them to like me back, obviously. But whenever they start liking me, I’d ditch them. At the end of the day, all I really wanted is just to prove to myself that I can have whatever I want. That's just very addictive. Even if I sincerely liked them, there will still be that feeling of anger and revenge building up inside me because that would somehow remind me of incidents in the past. However, there are people who seriously never did anything wrong to me, but the fact that they take it as an invitation to be a total ass when I'm nice to them, it makes me want to stab them when they let their guards down. In the end, even if I tried to be honest and nice to them, it still unconsciously becomes acting. I think that’s the primary reason why all my relationships ended with a huge mess and bitter feelings… on their side obviously. On my side, it was like a routine.

The only exception is Kevin. He was honest and never asked me to do anything for him. But I would do anything for him, if he asked. I really would. He is the most generous giver. That meant a lot for me.

My cousin and I were talking about something that I did. It’s nothing so wrong I guess, but I wasn’t totally honest. I will not talk about it in this post. That's not the point. Maybe later.

Me: Am I too mean? Nelson: Well...no you didn’t do anything that wrong. Me: I know but still... Nelson: No don't worry, you're already less mean compared to before. Me: Huh? Before what? Nelson: Before you went to study abroad. Me: I was mean before? Nelson: Haha yeah! Now you're more open.

That assured me that it was the best decision I made. Just to be able to look at my life from far and realise that I can change. People always grow and change for the better. Kevin and many people I met influenced me and helped me become a better person, so I tried to be honest and openhearted to people around me as well. Unfortunately, even if I changed, people around me didn’t change at the same pace as I did. That made me feel like I was a total different breed. What can I do except leaving them behind, right? I'm not going to stoop to their level just to gain their affection. No one will be able to say that I'm being heartless and capricious; I already did what I could. I really tried my best and I have no regrets.

If they want to act like they don't care, just let them. Are you going to let them take you for granted? Are you going to wait until the day they realise what they've lost? If they can't pull their heads out of their ass, I mean what else can you do, right? You tried, now just say "Fuck it". That's the right thing to do.

I just feel like I’m on the right track for something better.
I deserve it.

Updates 22/10/09

1-I studied the whole week for Acco 310 because I thought the exam is tomorrow, but I totally messed up. It's next week!

2- I went to school today just to realise that class is cancelled. I don't get why they send notice just 15 minutes before class. So stupid.

3- It's painful to go around the shopping mall and to not be able to buy anything. I probably need a job, or a sugar daddy, or the winning numbers of the 649.

4- I don't fit in my jeans anymore, but I can't stop eating either.

5- Everything is chill and I'm good. Actually I'm a bit excited, I'll tell you guys why later =)

My negative dad

Today, he said this to me:
"If you keep talking like that to me, I'll kill you"
"You should be fucking happy that I even talked to you, motherfucker"
"How would you feel if your future daughter treated you like this?"
"Well, she won’t because I won’t treat her the way you treated me"
"No one will ever love you like I do and when I die, you’ll regret it"
"..." I actually didn't even say any of that mean stuff. I have the right to think whatever but I really didn’t say anything because I know he'll feel hurt if I really did. He didn’t care though; he actually said all these shits to me.

Do many parents want their daughter to die? I know he was angry, but that doesn’t change the fact that his words will still affect me and I’ll remember them. Even the strongest person won't be able to endure those hateful comments from their dad on a continuous basis and still be all like "Hahaha, I'm so fuckin happy"...and I'm just a very average girl y'know, I really can't cope with that.

He would seriously verbally abuse me and then the next day he would ask me why I'm ignoring him. After a while, I would naturally start talking to him again, right? I mean, he's my dad and I feel bad when I see he's getting older everyday. I'd start wondering if I'm too harsh. I do this for my mom too because I know she doesn't want to see this. She always says "No matter how wrong he is, he is still your dad". But as soon as I forgive him, he would start it over and over again. The cycle just keeps repeating and he doesn't really learn from it. I'm only his daughter, not his punching bag. I'm tired of this, so I just stopped trying. I'm really not the kind of person who gives up that easily, especially not on someone who's my family, but that shit is not recent. It's been from the day I started to understand what was going on around me. There is another reason too, but I'm not going to talk about that. He's my dad, but so what? Did you know that blood ties are not as important as emotional ones? That's why people adopt.

That's ancient history but when I was still a teen, I had to see a psychologist on a regular basis. One day, the psychologist asked "Elaine, if you had a magic stick, what would you want to do with it?" I didn't understand why she was asking me that question, but now I know that she was trying to figure out the source of all that trouble. I told her that I wanted to make my dad disappear. I'm really a savage for being able to say something like this, but I didn't lie. "Daddy" is nothing more than a title like "Mister" for me.

I used to count how many times he tells me "I'll kill you" "You should die" "No one loves you" and blablabla, but I lost count.

...and please. I’m not a negative person. I love my life and I'm a very happy person in general, really. You know I never complain, right? Okay, maybe I’ll complain about my broken nails, messy hair and stupid boys once in a while, but that’s it. You'll never hear me say "My life sucks" or anything that sounds close. I love life and I'm thankful for what I have because I really tried hard to gain that self-confidence and to be able to look at things from a brighter angle. I wasn't born with that. It just sucks that I still have to take negative and hateful verbal attacks all the time...and from no one but my dad. When is this going to stop.

@Library

=(

Move on

Last night, J wanted to drink. I told him I won’t be able to stay out late because I have an exam the next day (today), which is true, I do have exams on Saturdays. So he suggested we go drinking another time. Ok fine. Few minutes later, he texts me because he had nothing to do and insisted we still go drink and leave early. I was thinking…Geez does he want to see my so badly or what? Maybe he’s trying to get in my pants? Yeah, that must be it. Then he goes, “Just an idea, but do you want to bring study stuff and we can do work at a coffee shop?”. Oh waw, did I misheard? Well, that’s different for once. However, I didn’t want to study so we still followed our original plan. When we walked in that bar, or restaurant, or whatever it is, you’re not going to believe who I saw. I saw P! I was like…oh gosh, how is that even possible?! Should I get up and leave? Or maybe should I say "Hi" or something? But he ignored me, so I guess not.

In the end, I thought I should at least go say "Hi" like a grownup. Just a "Hi", I won’t die from it, right?! And he’s going to think that I’m being snobby if I don’t. So I went ahead, said hi and sat beside while J went to pay the bill. His friends were staring at me and they were probably wondering why the hell that random girl sat at their table. It made me so nervous that I just grabbed his cellphone and made a random comment, out of nowhere. Oh my god, kill me. He said he didn't see me, so I'll just assume that he didn't ignore me on purpose. When J was done, we left.

P haven’t called since last week and something tells me he will not call. I was about to delete his number (again). I don’t want to see his number and start debating whether I should call or not. Actually, you know what I want to do? I want to just call him, and ask him for a clear and neat answer. By that I mean, I just want to hear a yes or a no; I don’t want to hear other useless crap. I know it will be hella awkward if I really do this, but that’s still better than wasting my time. How simple was it back in elementary school, right?! Pass a note saying “Do you like me?” to the guy you like and he’d only have the choice between circling Yes or No. You’d either date him or move the fuck on. P could seriously come up with the lamest shit and I’d still say yes, y'know, yet he doesn’t. That guy doesn't fuckin care, does he?! I really need to move on.

By the way, I'm not saying that I will go out with some random guy in case nothing happens with P. That leads to failure for sure and I'm not really excited about dating in general. In fact, I'm totally happy with my single and flirty lifestyle. No stress, no worries, no hassle. You already know how conceited I am; I don't have a "void" that I need to fill with some guy, see? So that's not the point. The point is that, I like P, I really do for some absurd reasons (he knows it...unless he's a retard), but by now, I'm convinced that I definitely and absolutely need to stop thinking about him and just move on...That's what I meant. J and the other A, B, C, D, Es are totally unrelated things.

I need to be realistic.
I need to stop wasting my time.

Only my dad loves me that much

Look at you. Seriously, what do you want? What the hell did I do to deserve a daughter like you? You’re hopeless. That day, the way you stared at me on the staircase, I already knew you were hopeless. Your mom and I are the only ones who can stand your savage attitude. Everyone else hates you! Did you hear that? People like you don't have friends because EVERYONE HATES YOU! I know you're not listening, but one day you'll know I'm right. It wouldn't make a difference even if you died. Really, you should die. You piece of trash- From my dad.

Reminder

Corny.
but I like it.

今天的黄昏

是这样的。

哈哈你好

I just received an e-mail from the barman in China. I hesitated before opening it, because last time, he made me feel like I committed a crime. So I was honest and just told him that it’s not possible and told him to move on. This time, all it says is "哈哈你好". Out of nowhere. WTF?!

Does it mean what it literally means?
Does it mean “You're a bitch, and you won. Congrats!”?
Does it mean “I moved on and I'm alright, so maybe we can keep in touch?” ?
Does it mean “I haven't moved on, but I don't want to freak you out, so I try to sound casual.” ?
Does it mean "I don't want anything, I'm just trying to mess with your mind." ?

People will think I'm crazy for being able to interpret this in 5 different ways.
Now I don't even know if I should reply!

I need to shut up.

I know I know. Just yesterday, I was like "Fuck P" and now I'm like "Hehehe, it's P!" it’s like yeah...shut up. Geez, I really have a mental problem or something.

So he sent me this "U up for a beer tonight?" WTF. Seriously? I was going to never mention this guy again, and now he texts me? What am I supposed to do, huh? I was tempted to say no because I was a bit pissed, but if I say no I'll regret for sure. At the same time, it's going to be so unnatural to be all like ha-ha-ha in front of him, so I sent him a "no". Oh fuck, did I just say no? So he's like "Alright next time then!". I’m not really a next-time person y’know, when people say next time, I just assume it’s never. So I was like "Not really". "lol you pissed or something?" Well fuck duh! Ok relax, he’s innocent…"No I’m not, come to my place". Ok anyways, it was all bs and in the end nothing happened. Just as usual.

I still went out last night, but not with him. I know, eh? So stupid.
...and if I don't mention it, then you know there were no hot dudes!
...oh and now I have his number again. Yeah someone shoot me, please!

Look at me

Me: Dude, I look okay, right? Irene: You look perfect til you start speaking. Me: Thanks!

Dot.

Before texting P, I told myself that it’s going to be the last fuckin time I do anything as stupid as this. I really never had endure that kind of torture y’know, I mean I could seriously tell Jason to dump his girlfriend for me and he’d do it right away, or even simpler than that, I could just call D back. So, that guy always acts like he doesn’t understand English and I don’t remember what he sent me but it can be interpreted as something like “I’ll give you what you want, but stop annoying me after this. Oh when? Well, in 5 years or maybe 10, but actually I don’t know when because I hope you’ll forget about it by then”. He’s such a woman inside of a man’s body. Can’t even say “leave me alone” short? What a wimp. I deleted his number and I didn’t forget to throw away the bills this time.

You know how much I hate talking about the past but I’ve been thinking about it lately. It hurts when people think I’m born a bitch. I’ve been thinking because there are times I don’t remember how I got to a point like this either. Believe it or not, I’ve never ever been rejected up to now. Everyone thinks that’s the only reason I want P and that’s partly true. No one would believe me even if I said it weren’t anyways, but you can’t blame me for having such a fat ass ego. I’m going to sound so vain and conceited for saying this, but all those fuckers act like lost puppies all the time even if I treat them like dirt. I treat the dirt under my shoes better than that and they still treat me like a goddess. So they like me that fuckin much, eh? Well that’s wonderful. It’s really goddamn addicting, y'know. I don’t really give a shit if they get hurt because they deserve it for wanting to screw me over. Anything that sounds slightly nicer and positive must be a lie, remember this. I felt like I was the queen and they were all slaves. Terrible, I know. I guess it was time for a reality check. Thanks P! It was nice of you, but you can go suck a cock. I’m sorry but it feels weird to not say anything mean.

I’m actually a bit sad too. I didn’t even shed half a drop of tear when my mean ass boyfriend left me under the rain in the middle of Terrebonne (don't ask me where that is), but I was about to cry for that insignificant worthless crap. No Elaine, don’t. I’m not angry right now though, usually I’d start cursing like a sailor, but I’m strangely at peace. I gotta stop relating innocent people to incidents of my past. Let’s face it, he didn’t do anything wrong after all.

Sometimes, I wish I were less nasty. Less careless. Maybe a bit more lovely. More timid? If I could be just an innocent little girl that cares about every little thing and gets hurt by nothing, I would. Maybe things would have been different…but yeah what-eh-ver!

Back to reality.

I know it's fun to read but I won’t bitch about P anymore. This is the last time.
You know what? It’s Saturday, let’s go barhopping.
...because I don't want no love, I just want to get screwed!

Geez relax

You don't want to know how long it takes for me just to get ready to study. I have to check my e-mails, check my facebook, check all the funny videos posted, listen a few times to my favourite song, eat some food, find my books, find a pen that works and a mirror (???), etc. That takes at least 45 minutes when I'm fast.

So finally, I was ready to get started and I get a txt message from guess who!

Sometimes I think I tell you guys too much, but how can I not, that’s what he said:

P: Yo what was the answer for question 4? Was the dynamic pressure something around 850kps?? P: oops wrong person sorry Me: Get a life P: Geez relax Me: I was kidding, u should sing a lullaby to relax me P: The hell is lullaby **A fob is a fob. Me: Gosh...Whatever

Irene: Why did you say whatever?! Usually conversations end after a "whatever". Me: I know! Fuck.

I’m always contradicting myself with those "I don't wanna talk to him…why isn't he calling?!” “Alright, I’ll call…ok no forget about it”. Don't even ask me how can I be all smiley-face just because that guy who took me for a slut and said all those mean things texted me and supposedly just by accident. So I was like "Get a life"…but I was actually so happy he texted. Ah geez relax Elaine; it’s just a guy who has a dick, calm down!

I was staring at his number and debated for at least 10 minutes. I either call and maybe sound a bit random or not call and it’ll be over because I don't think he'll text the wrong person everytime.

Anyways, I called and he sounded like he was about to die. So it was just like… "talk to you later". That's all =(

…and I didn’t study after that.

Screw that

"You'll meet other dudes in China"
"You're an easy girl"
“Give me head or I’m going home”

…

Screw that.

婆婆的生日

My grandmother is back from the states and it's her birthday：

Irene: Euh...you have a strawberry face.

Grandmother: Elaine became so pretty!
Cousin [to me]: Does she know you got "it" done?

Me: Yo, why are there so many flags hanging outside?
Cousin: Are you Chinese?

The cheater and I are friends again

I was with Jason (the mister cheater I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII) today. He stayed a bit with me in the librairy. I read 2 fuckin chapters and I still don't understand shit. Great.

I was talking to a friend about Jason earlier:

Me: Jason is kinda nice when he doesn't try to make advances to me. He could be a good friend! Haowen: When did you become so innocent? That's probably because he wants something from you. Me: Whatever man...he ain't getting anything.

Yeah so he was really nice to me today. He really pays attention when I talk, even when I talk about things that normal straight guys don't wanna hear about. Except that few weeks ago, he said this: "I'd give anything just to spend a night with you". I just laughed but in my head it was more like: "In your fuckin dreams!", is that supposed to be a joke? Other than this, he's been alright.

We'll see how long he can play Mister Nice for.