Today, he said this to me:
"If you keep talking like that to me, I'll kill you"
"You should be fucking happy that I even talked to you, motherfucker"
"How would you feel if your future daughter treated you like this?"
"Well, she won’t because I won’t treat her the way you treated me"
"No one will ever love you like I do and when I die, you’ll regret it"
"..." I actually didn't even say any of that mean stuff. I have the right to think whatever but I really didn’t say anything because I know he'll feel hurt if I really did. He didn’t care though; he actually said all these shits to me.
Do many parents want their daughter to die? I know he was angry, but that doesn’t change the fact that his words will still affect me and I’ll remember them. Even the strongest person won't be able to endure those hateful comments from their dad on a continuous basis and still be all like "Hahaha, I'm so fuckin happy"...and I'm just a very average girl y'know, I really can't cope with that.
He would seriously verbally abuse me and then the next day he would ask me why I'm ignoring him. After a while, I would naturally start talking to him again, right? I mean, he's my dad and I feel bad when I see he's getting older everyday. I'd start wondering if I'm too harsh. I do this for my mom too because I know she doesn't want to see this. She always says "No matter how wrong he is, he is still your dad". But as soon as I forgive him, he would start it over and over again. The cycle just keeps repeating and he doesn't really learn from it. I'm only his daughter, not his punching bag. I'm tired of this, so I just stopped trying. I'm really not the kind of person who gives up that easily, especially not on someone who's my family, but that shit is not recent. It's been from the day I started to understand what was going on around me. There is another reason too, but I'm not going to talk about that. He's my dad, but so what? Did you know that blood ties are not as important as emotional ones? That's why people adopt.
That's ancient history but when I was still a teen, I had to see a psychologist on a regular basis. One day, the psychologist asked "Elaine, if you had a magic stick, what would you want to do with it?" I didn't understand why she was asking me that question, but now I know that she was trying to figure out the source of all that trouble. I told her that I wanted to make my dad disappear. I'm really a savage for being able to say something like this, but I didn't lie. "Daddy" is nothing more than a title like "Mister" for me.
I used to count how many times he tells me "I'll kill you" "You should die" "No one loves you" and blablabla, but I lost count.
...and please. I’m not a negative person. I love my life and I'm a very happy person in general, really. You know I never complain, right? Okay, maybe I’ll complain about my broken nails, messy hair and stupid boys once in a while, but that’s it. You'll never hear me say "My life sucks" or anything that sounds close. I love life and I'm thankful for what I have because I really tried hard to gain that self-confidence and to be able to look at things from a brighter angle. I wasn't born with that. It just sucks that I still have to take negative and hateful verbal attacks all the time...and from no one but my dad. When is this going to stop.