Dating game part 4: When you're opponent is your heart

This one will be the last one I talk about in this series.

I don't want to miss any details, but it's been a while now. I've written about him before without mentioning specifically about anybody. I've written so much about him because I'm still trying to justify it.

It was towards the end of 2013 when I moved to a larger firm. People often say they would never date a coworker, but the thing is, we work in different teams in one of the largest firms; we never have to deal with each other at work. We would certainly never talk to each other if it wasn't because I went towards him. It's almost as if we worked in a big shopping mall, and I work at Wal-Mart while he worked at Target.

I think people don't want to deal with this because they are scared of what might happen if you date someone from work and end up hating each other, the person might spread rumors, you might still have to see their face at work and deal with all the awkwardness...but the reality is that by the time it happens, one of us would have already quit the company. I think it used to be not so appropriate back in the days because people used to work in the same company until they retire, but in today's age?!

This is how I first saw him. One day in December, I was in the office, concentrating on work and suddenly heard someone talking quite loud behind me. I turned around to see who was talking so loudly and saw him. He also saw me looking at him. At first, I actually thought he was someone else I met at the company's training. I didn't pay much attention at first, but he kept walking back and forth so many times that I noticed him more. Then I went to the washroom, and saw him in a office, but the name on the office door was not the name of the person I met at the company's training...and I was just curious to know who he was.

I though he was cute but just like any cute guys I see, I forget after a while. Until the end of January, we walked past each other in the hallway during lunch time. I was walking towards the elevators and he was probably going back to his office. We were staring at each other, but we both had a blank expression on our face. I didn't even realize that it was the same person who was talking so loud several weeks ago. I noticed that he was taller than I thought. While I was waiting for the elevator's doors to close, I saw him rushing out. We stared at each other again, with our blank face, through the glass door while the elevator's doors were closing.

Not sure what happened during that expressionless moment, but I suddenly really wanted to talk to him and get to know him. I thought of many ways to go talk to him that day. For 3 days, I would go to work determined to talk to him, but I would always go home frustrated because I wasn't able to get myself to do it. I seriously had trouble sleeping for 3 days because I'd be thinking about talking to him the day after. I was so nervous. At the same time, I like that kind of excitement; it feels like I'm going on an adventure.

Thursday, I was still determined to talk to him, and I absolutely had to do it. I didn't want to think about this anymore.

I knocked on his door, and here's how it went.

"S'cuse me, I didn't want to bother you, but would you know the code for the photocopy machine?" I know. What a lame excuse, right?  I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine, and I didn't even actually need to use it either.

"No, no, you're not bothering me." He was smiley and very receptive, which surprised me, because he usually looks very serious and I thought he would be mad that I bothered him for such small matters. He wrote the code down on a post-it for me.

Later, as I was leaving the office, I dropped by his office again. I forgot what I wanted to say the second he looked at me. I stood there looking at him, and probably made him very uncomfortable. There was an awkward silence for 5 seconds, and if you think about it, 5 seconds is very long. I couldn't find my words. "What's up?" he said.

"I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine." I finally said.

"Ah..."

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Ah...that's cool," he replied, without any expression or even looking at me, which I was really pissed about, but then, what could a normal person possibly say that isn't too corny or embarrassing on the spot like that, right?

"What is your name?"

"X, and you?"

I told him my name, and he asked me questions like who I work with, if I like it here, etc. It was mostly him asking me questions, because I was still very embarrassed, nervous and excited that I didn't know what to say. I felt like I'm in high school. I wonder, does he find me cute too? or just really creepy?

The next week, I talked to him on the company's messenger. I asked him very directly if he had a girlfriend. "No" he answered.

"Do you want to hang out then?" I asked.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea...since we work in the same company?" I already expected this answer.

"I personally don't see a problem with that, but I can understand that you might feel that way."

"...but a drink 5-7 would be fine I guess." he added. At this point, I already took it as a rejection, so I didn't answer.

"???" he typed.

I thought about it for a while, and said "I'll leave you my number, and it's your choice whether you want to text me or not." He texted me his number right away and we talked a little bit that evening.

After that, we would text each other once in a while...but I'm not sure why we never met. I think mostly because it was always last-minute plans. He invited me once to grab a drink with his co-workers, but I already showered so I didn't feel like going out. Another time, it was near midnight, and I was actually already in bed, but I asked him if he wanted to grab a beer...to which he said he was too tired. That night, I felt like something changed. He told me how he wasn't comfortable with the idea of hanging out with someone who works in the same office. "Follow your heart," I said. He seemed to agree at first...but a few days later, I asked him when are we actually going to walk the talk. He said he didn't know. "Should I take this for a negative answer?" I asked. He never answered.

...I somehow managed to convince him again. I told him that the right way and the easy way are sometimes the same, and sometimes the only way was a leap of faith. I hoped he could see what I see..and he did for a while. But soon enough, he changed his mind again. I was frustrated, because I tried to convince someone of things they did not believe in, and I clearly knew that it's not possible...but I gave it a try nonetheless. I'm someone who will always try, even when I know the results, because I choose to believe. This is when I wrote Follow your heart.

I think the reason why I still think about it till this day is how he messed up with my mind...even if he didn't mean it, because I know he's a nice person, but he is wishy-washy...and I didn't cut him out sooner. When he changes his mind, and I convince him that it's okay, but he changes his mind again a few days later... it kills me a little bit everytime. It frustrates me when I think about how much time we wasted running in circles, when all I wanted was to get to know him...and I can't believe I ran in circles with him too. Why did I stoop down to this level? I never met someone who confused me to this point; it's such a mental torture. This is when I wrote Unlearning.

I'm such a silly believer for creating all these coincidental situations. I go to bars to have fun, and I go on tinder to meet someone new, but the truth is that I was looking for him wherever I went. I just can't believe that we came across each other for no reason. In the end, am I not just turning myself into a detestable person? This is when I wrote Non-attachment. I hated myself for not letting go and to care as much as I do.

Sometimes, I still wonder why we came across each other without getting to know each other. I'm someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This is how adventures are; you just never know how it's going to turn out. One must acquire understanding in order to be free; how can I be free if I don't understand why? I really should just forget about it, and one day when I'm ready, I'll be living the answer without even noticing it. For now, I guess the best I can do is to live the questions and the unknown. I've never been scared of adventures anyways.

Nowadays, I still see him in the office once in a while, we barely look at each other, its almost as if we don't know each other...but I'm not going to lie, there's still that whirlpool of questions forming inside of me that I hide. I still think about it and I wonder what could've been had he just made one step forward. For now, he's still living life the right way...

Dating game part 3: The BMX guy

I don't know if this one is worth talking about because I can barely remember why I liked him. I think I'll just talk about him without going into details...

I remember it was towards the end of my biggest mandate. I worked until midnight that week, and I was mentally drained. On Friday, I was supposed to go to this event called Jackalope, which is an demonstration and competition event; mainly for skateboarding. Yes, I have a thing for skaters since high school.

I went home and took a nap, I was not far from cancelling on my friend, because I was so dizzy. I forced myself to get up nonetheless. We watched that flatland BMX demonstration, which he was part of. He had curly blond hair that was tied up. Other than that, the only things I noticed was how skinny and tattooed he was...totally not my type of guy, but he grabbed my attention, because he performed so much better than the other BMX guy.

The next day, I added him on facebook and we talked almost everyday; he said he saw me at the event. However, I also notice something about him that started bothering me already; he seemed to have a hard time refusing things...and his method to do it is by changing the subject completely and immediately, which pisses me off everytime, but I tried to ignore it at first.

We hung out the following weekend. The original plan was to go to the Tam-tams, which I never went to, but it wasn't a nice day so we ended up driving around. When we drove past my high school, he said "I went to this high school." I was like..."Huh? I went to this high school too!" He is two years older so we probably never noticed each other. We had nowhere to go so we went to the Belvedere in Westmount to talk.

One question he asked me that I still remember was "Are you like the man in a relationship?" to which I confidently answered yes. "Are you more like the girl?", and he timidly said yes. It was pretty sweet and we even saw a rainbow.

Here are a few things that I learned:
-He spent a few years in China and speaks fluent Mandarin
-His dad's been to over hundred countries in a Westfalia
-He's starting a business to promote BMX
-He's traveled quite a bit too, but always for competitions
-We went to the same high school
-He went to cegep St-Laurent and I went to Vanier, which is next door

The thing is...he's the complete opposite of what I like in men. I don't like blond hair, blue eyes, skinny guys without good jobs...and he was all of that. But he had a passion for what he was doing, which I liked a lot and I rarely met anybody like him. I like talented and knowledgeable men, no matter in which field.

The next week, he was going to New Orleans for his competition and I was leaving for Central America. We found out that we were leaving on the same day around the same time, so I asked him if he wanted to meet up at the airport. He took hours to respond to each texts, without ever answering the question itself. My question was pretty straightforward, and I really don't appreciate that he doesn't answer straightforwardly.

As I was going through airport security, I was still hoping to see him but I didn't. So, I just went to my departing gate. Then, they announced that my gate changed, so I had to walk back...and that's when I bumped into him. I thought he probably didn't want to see me, so I was just going to say goodbye and tell him that I'm going the other way. But he said he wanted to come wait with me, which was sweet of him...but then, any friend would do the same.

I was only leaving for three weeks, but I had the feeling that we might not talk to each other anymore when I come back, because we barely knew each other. I made an effort to talk to him once in a while during my trip, but eventually got tired of it because I felt like it was always one-way; I was a guy chasing a girl.

I felt a distance between us...in the sense that I don't think he understands most things I do. For example, I don't think he understands responsibilities, and why it's not always about what I want, why do I choose to work in an office, why did I stay in school to suffer, etc. Maybe he even thinks that I'm a superficial and materialistic kind of girl.

When I came back to Montreal, I didn't go to his event that he invited me to before I left. The reason I said I would go is because I wanted to see him...but he doesn't even care that much about me anyways, so I didn't bother.

I can't remember how I realized that he doesn't like me, but I sent him a postcard, and asked him if he received it. He said he will open his mailbox later, but it took him several days to open the mailbox. If someone I liked sent me a postcard, I would go open my mailbox the second I hear about it.

One day, I got even more fed up when he asked me to come hang out with him. "Where?" I asked...but once again, he changed the subject completely. It's not the first time he does that, and this time just hit my limit. I can't deal with this. We stopped talking to each other completely now. I don't feel sad or anything, I'm too impatient for that.

There really wasn't that much to say about him...not much happened. I decided to write about him nonetheless because I go on so many dates that I stopped making efforts...but with him, I felt like there was a little something...