I don't want to miss any details, but it's been a while now. I've written about him before without mentioning specifically about anybody. I've written so much about him because I'm still trying to justify it.
It was towards the end of 2013 when I moved to a larger firm. People often say they would never date a coworker, but the thing is, we work in different teams in one of the largest firms; we never have to deal with each other at work. We would certainly never talk to each other if it wasn't because I went towards him. It's almost as if we worked in a big shopping mall, and I work at Wal-Mart while he worked at Target.
I think people don't want to deal with this because they are scared of what might happen if you date someone from work and end up hating each other, the person might spread rumors, you might still have to see their face at work and deal with all the awkwardness...but the reality is that by the time it happens, one of us would have already quit the company. I think it used to be not so appropriate back in the days because people used to work in the same company until they retire, but in today's age?!
This is how I first saw him. One day in December, I was in the office, concentrating on work and suddenly heard someone talking quite loud behind me. I turned around to see who was talking so loudly and saw him. He also saw me looking at him. At first, I actually thought he was someone else I met at the company's training. I didn't pay much attention at first, but he kept walking back and forth so many times that I noticed him more. Then I went to the washroom, and saw him in a office, but the name on the office door was not the name of the person I met at the company's training...and I was just curious to know who he was.
I though he was cute but just like any cute guys I see, I forget after a while. Until the end of January, we walked past each other in the hallway during lunch time. I was walking towards the elevators and he was probably going back to his office. We were staring at each other, but we both had a blank expression on our face. I didn't even realize that it was the same person who was talking so loud several weeks ago. I noticed that he was taller than I thought. While I was waiting for the elevator's doors to close, I saw him rushing out. We stared at each other again, with our blank face, through the glass door while the elevator's doors were closing.
Not sure what happened during that expressionless moment, but I suddenly really wanted to talk to him and get to know him. I thought of many ways to go talk to him that day. For 3 days, I would go to work determined to talk to him, but I would always go home frustrated because I wasn't able to get myself to do it. I seriously had trouble sleeping for 3 days because I'd be thinking about talking to him the day after. I was so nervous. At the same time, I like that kind of excitement; it feels like I'm going on an adventure.
Thursday, I was still determined to talk to him, and I absolutely had to do it. I didn't want to think about this anymore.
I knocked on his door, and here's how it went.
"S'cuse me, I didn't want to bother you, but would you know the code for the photocopy machine?" I know. What a lame excuse, right? I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine, and I didn't even actually need to use it either.
Later, as I was leaving the office, I dropped by his office again. I forgot what I wanted to say the second he looked at me. I stood there looking at him, and probably made him very uncomfortable. There was an awkward silence for 5 seconds, and if you think about it, 5 seconds is very long. I couldn't find my words. "What's up?" he said.
"I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine." I finally said.
"Ah..."
"I just wanted to talk to you."
"Ah...that's cool," he replied, without any expression or even looking at me, which I was really pissed about, but then, what could a normal person possibly say that isn't too corny or embarrassing on the spot like that, right?
"What is your name?"
"X, and you?"
I told him my name, and he asked me questions like who I work with, if I like it here, etc. It was mostly him asking me questions, because I was still very embarrassed, nervous and excited that I didn't know what to say. I felt like I'm in high school. I wonder, does he find me cute too? or just really creepy?
The next week, I talked to him on the company's messenger. I asked him very directly if he had a girlfriend. "No" he answered.
"Do you want to hang out then?" I asked.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea...since we work in the same company?" I already expected this answer.
"I personally don't see a problem with that, but I can understand that you might feel that way."
"...but a drink 5-7 would be fine I guess." he added. At this point, I already took it as a rejection, so I didn't answer.
"???" he typed.
I thought about it for a while, and said "I'll leave you my number, and it's your choice whether you want to text me or not." He texted me his number right away and we talked a little bit that evening.
After that, we would text each other once in a while...but I'm not sure why we never met. I think mostly because it was always last-minute plans. He invited me once to grab a drink with his co-workers, but I already showered so I didn't feel like going out. Another time, it was near midnight, and I was actually already in bed, but I asked him if he wanted to grab a beer...to which he said he was too tired. That night, I felt like something changed. He told me how he wasn't comfortable with the idea of hanging out with someone who works in the same office. "Follow your heart," I said. He seemed to agree at first...but a few days later, I asked him when are we actually going to walk the talk. He said he didn't know. "Should I take this for a negative answer?" I asked. He never answered.
...I somehow managed to convince him again. I told him that the right way and the easy way are sometimes the same, and sometimes the only way was a leap of faith. I hoped he could see what I see..and he did for a while. But soon enough, he changed his mind again. I was frustrated, because I tried to convince someone of things they did not believe in, and I clearly knew that it's not possible...but I gave it a try nonetheless. I'm someone who will always try, even when I know the results, because I choose to believe. This is when I wrote Follow your heart.
I think the reason why I still think about it till this day is how he messed up with my mind...even if he didn't mean it, because I know he's a nice person, but he is wishy-washy...and I didn't cut him out sooner. When he changes his mind, and I convince him that it's okay, but he changes his mind again a few days later... it kills me a little bit everytime. It frustrates me when I think about how much time we wasted running in circles, when all I wanted was to get to know him...and I can't believe I ran in circles with him too. Why did I stoop down to this level? I never met someone who confused me to this point; it's such a mental torture. This is when I wrote Unlearning.
I'm such a silly believer for creating all these coincidental situations. I go to bars to have fun, and I go on tinder to meet someone new, but the truth is that I was looking for him wherever I went. I just can't believe that we came across each other for no reason. In the end, am I not just turning myself into a detestable person? This is when I wrote Non-attachment. I hated myself for not letting go and to care as much as I do.
Sometimes, I still wonder why we came across each other without getting to know each other. I'm someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This is how adventures are; you just never know how it's going to turn out. One must acquire understanding in order to be free; how can I be free if I don't understand why? I really should just forget about it, and one day when I'm ready, I'll be living the answer without even noticing it. For now, I guess the best I can do is to live the questions and the unknown. I've never been scared of adventures anyways.
Nowadays, I still see him in the office once in a while, we barely look at each other, its almost as if we don't know each other...but I'm not going to lie, there's still that whirlpool of questions forming inside of me that I hide. I still think about it and I wonder what could've been had he just made one step forward. For now, he's still living life the right way...