2019

2019 was probably one of the happiest years of my adult life. There were many good changes and moments out of my comfort zone. It was one of the years where I've mostly made good decisions for myself, overall stayed aligned with my values and one where I was living. Even though I might have accomplished more in previous years, I don't know if I was truly happy...maybe I was more proud than happy.

This year, I woke up in a small town in Arizona in the middle of a snowstorm wishing I was home. I was in a relationship where I was unhappy and lonely. I was walking on eggshells; there were more crying and yelling than talking. But as one of my best friend would say, the best thing about this in 2019, is that it's finally over.

In the middle of winter, I brought Dyno home. Puppyhood was exhausting but I learned so much about life and the art of living it. Dyno made me realize I needed to slow down and prioritize the things that are meaningful...and suddenly, I'm not that busy anymore. I can just go live my life and try new things, see new things and learn new things. He has filled my life with joy ever since.

This year, I've developed an interest in handicrafts, and home depot became my favorite store. Most furniture in my home is custom and made of different types of wood. I also built some little things such as tree stump stools, wooden spool table and Dyno's crate. I'm not going to lie, I did get help from my ex and others friends. I like that every piece looks unique and has a story. When people ask me where I bought this or that...I'm going to say, I made it.

As spring slowly settled in, I reconnected with an old friend and we took a latte art class together...the kind of thing I would never have done before. She really inspired me because she was not afraid to explore her interests to see where a little spark would take her. She was full of ambitions and not afraid to connect with different people...kind of like my younger self, but I feel I've lost that passion. She reminded me that life is not a race and to not be afraid to waste time to do things that you normally would not do. Always keep an open mind because there is a whole universe we would not see had we chosen otherwise.

In spring, I started doing Yoga again, but this time with a different approach. I used to do yoga as a physical activity, I did it to feel stronger and loose weight. There were times when going to class felt like a chore to me, and I could not wait to be done so I could do the other two million things on my to-do list. There were also times I decided to sleep through class...why would I even do this if I chose to be there you might ask. I think sometimes you feel you have to do things but the intention is not there. Now, I put in effort to focus on the mind and be present during class. A session of yoga makes me feel so good and it helps me find clarity.

I also started painting. I do it so rarely and the times I do, it really takes my mind off things. When I was younger, I was often distracted. I often multi-tasked to save time and to get things done quicker. Now I really value focus and painting helps with concentration. Also, it allows me to escape my analytical mind, the straight lines and the rules.

This year, I started meditating more...and to be honest, I can hardly do it for more than 30 seconds at a time before I get lost in my thoughts again. However, all these things, like paining, doing yoga and listening to audiobooks help me focus on one thing at a time. It's so important to notice your thoughts and to not get involved in them. I'm still not very good at it but this is something I want to dedicate some time to on a daily basis.

This year, I saw shooting stars for the first time. I was sitting by the fire, not paying attention to the sky at all, but as soon as I looked up, the shooting stars ran across the sky and, and disappeared in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't have notice them had I not look up at the right moment. In life and as in this case, one of the most important things is timing. It never ceases to amaze me, and it makes our imagination go wild because we will never understand these meaningful coincidence without causal relationship, but I'm sure are related.

This summer, I started lead climbing. I've mostly done bouldering since I started climbing and it's a good way to practice technical skills and power movements. However lead climbing really made me stronger. The adrenaline you feel while you climb, the fear when you're at your uttermost limit before you have clipped and the endorphin after you fall makes it one of my favorite climbing styles.

Additionally, I've also started climbing outside. Climbing at the gym is good for training but the real fun is outdoors. It is challenging physically, but in my opinion, the real challenge is the knot inside our mind. I learned to focus and not let fear and irrationality get to me, to trust my belayer, my equipment and I need to trust my judgement. It's a real mental exercise...and you are only as capable as you believe you are.

I'm also finally able to do pull ups. Two years ago, I bought a pull-up bar and made it my resolution to do pull-ups. I gave up after a month. This summer, as I was walking in a park, I saw a pull-up bar and decided to give it a try and I did 3 in a row. I know it's not a lot but I was so happy because I didn't even know I could. I did drop 20 pounds this summer too so that definitely helped. However this isn't the point. The point is, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, what's most important is what it can do. Being strong is so much more satisfying than being pretty. My hands are full of callous but I can do pull ups on my finger tips.

This summer, I tried pole-dancing for the first time because I received 30 free passes. Naturally as a rock-climber, I have a lot of upper body strength and strong grip so I can do most moves after a few sessions, but not necessarily executed in the most gracious way. You need a good combination of strength, feminine power, confidence and vulnerability to do this. I know many girls find it empowering but I personally never experienced body image issues so to me, it was just fun. I definitely prefer climbing walls but I'm happy I tried pole-dancing too.

I tried SUP for the first time this summer as well, something I wanted to try for a very long time. Sometimes, just getting off that chair, clear your agenda and actually take action is the hardest part, and it's never that motivating. However once you've done it, you would be so glad you did and it's always worth it.

This year, I did not travel anywhere far, mostly because of Dyno. However, we did some road trips together and there are so many more places I want to go to. I always wanted to try vanlife but I know it's not for me in the long-run. However, I want to do it just for a month for fun. Next year, I want to drive all the way to the west of the continent and hike all the national parks and come back from the USA.

As summer was coming to an end, I went canoe-camping for the first time. I never took the courage to actually go because I was scared of different things that could happen in the water, and the weather might not be good, and I don't even know how to properly navigate a canoe, etc. One day for a reason I can't explain, I just felt like I had to do it. You don't have to wait for someone to be available to do things with you, you can be comfortable alone and have lots of fun. Wait, I'm not alone, I have my dog.

This year, I started cooking more...mostly for my family once in a while. When I was younger, I  sometimes go eat at my grand-parent's place, but having them over is something I have never done before. Cooking with someone is bonding, and cooking for others too. On regular days, I still shamelessly eat at my parent's house.

As the year is almost coming to an end, I found new business goals. I used to say I wanted to retire in my thirties because I've lost my ambition. In my junior years, I did everything I could to get what I wanted, but now I don't want to exchange time for money anymore. I know I'm already very lucky I don't have to work everyday and can work from anywhere but I'm still very much exhausted, maybe because I've grown complacent. I just can't help but roll my eyes anymore. However this year, some combination of factors made me want to do something different and learn something new. I want that uncertainty and excitement again. If you don't believe you are average, then try something new and seize an opportunity, then see how many obstacles and bad decisions it takes before you decide to quit. Statistically, after 1 or 2 failed attempts at something new or difficult, 99.9% of people never try again. I want to find out where I stand in those statistics.

For 2020, I will keep doing things with intent and meditate more. I will keep living a minimalist lifestyle. I will put my health and well-being above everything. I will continue to try new things and go to new places with Dyno. I will stay aligned with my values when facing tough decisions. I also hope to find the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life expected of me and I hope to have the courage to express true feelings and be happy.

Bicycle

This is something I've started writing some years ago but never finished, never knew what I wanted to say, or what conclusion I was hoping to get to. 

Victoria Falls is located in Zimbabwe and it's one of the first cities I've set foot in in Africa. It was a time of the year when it was dry and hot. Everything was new, strange and dusty. I jumped off a bridge the day before and I canoed down a river with hippos....but I wasn't living the moment. I was preoccupied with thoughts of someone and torturing myself with insane hypothesis.

I remember every detail from the scent to the song that was playing on a loop. You're pulled by joy and hope in one moment, and despair the next, flying in circles, chasing pavements that leads nowhere. Regardless of the number of things and people stealing your attention away, for a second to months, you always come back to it sooner, or later.

One day, I was doing some shopping in a local market in Victoria Falls. I have a thing for items made of recycled material, and saw something I instantly fell in love with. I asked the shopkeeper if I can have a box, so he made one on the spot for me. I carried it everywhere, to Malawi, Tanzania, Kenya, Switzerland and hopefully someday, home. Somehow, coming back home doesn't feel the same.

We like to think our lives are linear. That everything you do accumulates into a better decision-making process that will get you the person you’ve really wanted all along. But what if it doesn't? It will always be my biggest what-if and the biggest fork in the road I've left behind.  You think of settling but is this the end? It's one of those things you always long for but never put any work into achieving it, and one of those things you'll never be ready for...

All of these thoughts are like a vicious cycle that only keeps growing, you keep missing moments that you should be enjoying now, which you will probably realize in the future and wonder what if again. Today, I still don't know what I want to conclude, answers still lacking, but I thought I would finally post this, because I've come to term with this...I was eating with my friend and he said something along the line that he has the feeling I'll meet him again, to which I said...there were already plenty of opportunities for us to reconnect but I've decided to let them go.

Anh

I was 20 years old when we met at an interview at a foreign school where we would be assigned to different levels. She was from the United States, and was there to teach English. She was short, had big pretty eyes and long black hair. We instantly clicked and became good friends.

We spent the whole summer of 2009 together. Everyday, she would come get me during lunch breaks even if I was feeling emo and didn't feel like leaving the classroom. We would chat and eat lunch in the hallway and leave school together. One time, I remember it was raining heavily after school and none of us had an umbrella. She was wearing converses and I was wearing flip flops, we laughed so much and walked so casually without any of the worries of this life. We shared so many stories and laughter.

I remember on my last night, we went to eat BBQ, we talked about our past relationships, and what got us to leave home and explore the world. The next day, she came to see me again before my flight. We had a huge meal at pizza hut where I overfilled by bowl with yogurt and spilled on the whole floor all the way from the buffet to our table. I was a bit embarrassed and she laughed so hard. We then took a picture in front of a make-up store; it was our one and only picture together.

She was a good girl, full of life and joy, who wasn't afraid to express herself, she had so many little quirks, and had a great sense of humor. She wasn't afraid of scars and dirt, she knows how to enjoy life and always went all in in everything she did. She had big dreams and always followed her heart. She went on to become a pilot and had the world at her feet.

I felt very connected with her, because we were very similar...we were both young and lost and trying to figure out who we are and where we stood. She was very passionate and authentic. The world is so big and there are so many people that we will never meet...but I was fortunate enough to cross path with her.

Yesterday, she died in a plane crash. I'm sad and confused...and I just want to hug her so badly and see her smile again.

That summer will always stay in my heart.

2016

It's time for an annual look-back!

I started this blog in 2008. It was a year of exploring, and many first times. We lived and breathed fire. I was me, and I was invincible and free. I jumped into 2009 the way a child dives into orange leaves; headfirst, with no consequences of pain. It was a year of mistakes, anger, hurt, and waking up at dusk. Then came 2010, a year of honesty, withdrawal, apologies and blistering heat. I tried to let go in 2011, I made compromises and I made a conscious effort to love someone. Then there was 2012, the year I pursued my dreams and set foot in nearly 15 countries. It was a year of struggle between freedom and obligations. I call 2013 my favorite year. It was a year of revisiting, closure, faith and new beginnings. It was the year I decided to never settle for less than what I believed in. Then came 2014, a year of learning, unlearning and overall year of disappointment and confusion. Then there was 2015, a big year of adventures, a battle against the comfortable norm and a year of unbecoming the person I'm not...

I want to describe 2016 as a joyful year. It was rather calm and simple, it was a year where everything makes sense and fits like a puzzle...

2016 was a year of career breakthrough. I was without a job for months, I was disappointed and frustrated...until I started working for my own, and became convinced that I never wanted that 9-5 lifestyle ever again. I feel truly blessed because I didn't have to take a "leap of faith", I did not quit my job, it wasn't full of obstacle...it was just meant to be. When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window. 

2016 was a year of freedom, a year of little things and curiosities.I used to not be able to enjoy a single moments without my mind wandering onto the next thing, unless it was adrenaline-packed. I haven't traveled to any exotic lands this year and do not have any grand adventurous stories to tell. I miss it sure, but I also feel content. Being my own boss means I did not have to wait for weekends or my next vacations. I don't feel as time-constrained as I used to anymore, and it makes me more appreciative of every moment.

2016 was a year-long vow of celibacy. It wasn't anything difficult. It just felt right. I recognized that I am enough just as I am and loving yourself is meant to be enough. It was a year without postscripts. I still don't believe in endings, but I also don't believe in prolonging stories. Self-respect is hard, but it is what I have to do. I just have a tremendous amount of faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

In 2016, I start to recognize the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is fleeting and common, but integrity, honesty, community, self-expression and joy aren't. Joy is what you feel after you've told a hurtful truth, after finding out what might upset you, it is knowing you have been yourself, you've followed your heart, you have not compromised and that you've lived up to a standard you're proud of. It takes time to cultivate joy, and 2016 has borne fruits.

Last year, my resolutions were to learn to be more open-minded, to not let pride get in the way of life's most beautiful things, and be patient enough to not settle for less, and I think I did a pretty good job.

2017 won't be anything less!

Regrets

Two years ago in Africa, a friend asked me if I had any regrets.

I've acted delusionally so many times; drunken flirting, ill-advised text messages, mixed signals and whatnot. I've been a creep, an emotional slob. I've planned romantic proposals and schemed revenges. I've hurt people. I've driven people far away from me and I've embarrassed some. I've been heartbroken and thought about fleeing the country.

You grow older and you know what it's like to see the ones that you loved getting married. You start to think that your capacity of falling in love depletes with age. Your life becomes less dramatic, you get a 9-5 job, you see the world clearly and you're accomplishing things. You want to meet a good person, someone who is sane, someone kinder and more patient, someone who you swear you will be a better person for. It's all so admirable but suffocating. 

I felt like a sociopath sometimes, and it made me feel good. I miss that state of myself; I wasn't at my best but I was at my most humane. Through travelling, I'm reminded of that. I'm reminded what passion is all about. It's okay to be crazy. Nothing is ever too late. Be open-minded and you will be given chances when you’re ready.

I've met people who have never done those crazy things, and I believe those people are innocent of true passion, and I cannot relate. As for me, I've done crazy things in life, but I definitely don't have regrets.

Of course, the outcomes were not always what I wished for, and there were things I could've done differently. However, for everything I undertook, I was ready to accept failure. Regrets are things you didn't do, and not things you did...and I know that I've done everything that I could.

It took me 2 years to write this because I used to think I had this one big regret; a hole in my life. I've blamed myself for what I did, I've apologized and I've forgiven...and I've finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing to regret. I always tried my best and I was myself the whole time...and although I'm not perfect, I don't regret who I am.

"Do you have any regrets?" I return the question.

"Life is too short for regrets."

Barcelona: Vitor

I had stomachache and didn't feel like going out in Barcelona. I was so sick and sad. I went on tinder and started swiping, haha. That's how I first started talking to Vitor.

"What are you looking for on tinder?"

"Meeting interesting people, girls mostly ;)"

"Boys aren't interesting?"

"Yep, but I'm already satisfied with my male friends. And you?"

"Sex."

"I didn't want to put it that way. Sex with interesting people, do we agree?"

I didn't even want to talk to him, I just wanted answers to questions and didn't feel like talking about anything else. I just asked him his height and for more pictures. That's how superficial I am. He suggested that we meet after 10pm, because he had to visit his grandmother. At that point, I stopped responding. I just changed my mind.  I was just sad and wasn't in the mood to joke around.

He noticed that I like Pantera, and absolutely wanted to meet an Asian girl who likes heavy metal. Since I stopped responding, he started wondering if he said anything wrong.

"I don't really want to meet anymore."

"Okay, what happened? Just wanted to be nice and have something to talk about. I now feel like a psycho, thanks a lot."

"I didn't mean to, just changed my mind, sorry."

He really wondered what went wrong and didn't want to feel like a freak or a psycho. I felt bad to make someone feel that way just because I was sad, bored and undecided.

"You didn't do anything wrong, I was just lonely."

"Okay, I guess not anymore. Sorry to bother you. Have a nice trip and don't feel lonely!"

"Thank you. You seem like a nice guy. "

"Not enough ;) If you ever come back, I'll remember you, the not so angel-like girl"

I thought he seemed so nice. I disappointed him, but he still wished me well. I wanted to keep in touch with him.

"Better for me to not even try to understand. It has gone from "the day I meet a fine asian lady" to "the day I feel like a moron/psycho" hahaha, life can be so funny."

"You're not a moron. I'm the moron."

"Hahaha, no. Something happened in your head I guess...never mind, it was my fault, I got carried away."

"I'm just a little heartbroken."

"I know how that goes...11 years with the love of my life. I understand. It's hard. Don't grab onto the first guy! Wait for the right one for you. I grabbed on the first girl that bumped into my life after my heartbreak and it was a big mistake. God, I talk too much!"

"Haha, you're very nice. Thanks for the advice."

"I have another one; meet me! I had to try..."

"Haha :)"

"Just kidding...all I have left is to look at your photos and curse, haha, at myself not at you. Hope I entertained you at least."

"We can meet...but not for sex." At this point, I thought he was quite interesting and wanted to get to know him.

"I have a special place...do you want to have a walk with me? A friendly chat and I look into your eyes is all I ask for."

We finally decided to meet in front of the metro station near where I stayed.

"I'm nervous." Not many guys would admit that they are nervous, and I like that he did.

I walked close to the metro station and saw a guy walking my way that looked like him, but I wasn't sure...and he didn't say hi. As soon as we walked passed each other, we both turned around and smiled.

We walked a little bit and sat down somewhere. I felt an instant connection with him. He studied in New Mexico when he was 16, which is why he speaks English...but he speaks English with a Spanish accent, which I find so cute. I could listen to him talk forever. He hates it when I say that he's cute though.

He told me about his ex-girlfriend who he dated for 11 years. It wasn't going so well and there were problems of communication...and he ended up cheating on her. He decided to be honest and told her about it. She took him back, but changed her mind after she realized that she couldn't trust him anymore. He still wants to talk to her, be her friend and know how she's doing, but she doesn't want to stay in touch. However, she texts him every year on July 31st to wish him happy birthday. How sad!  He asked her to stop doing that because it makes him sad that she doesn't want to talk to him, but reappears only on his birthday. Women can have some of the weirdest theories sometimes.

The first girl he met after that 11 years of relationship is an Argentinian girl. He never loved her, but he was lonely and grabbed onto the first girl he met. She wanted to work in Spain but couldn't get a visa, so he married her just for the papers even if he doesn't love her. That's how nice he is...it's a strange kind of nice. He's divorced now.

He used to work at the airport and seems to miss it from time to time. He was the representative of the union and the bosses hated him. Barcelona built a huge airport, but then they realized that the economy wasn't doing so well...so most of the airport is useless. They also fired 40% of the people who worked there. "Why don't you fire me too?!" he loudly said to them. He's the kind of guy who is full of passion and who isn't afraid of losing. He got fired, and used government money to travel for 2 years.

He really likes off-road adventures. His favorite city is Rio de Janeiro. When he travels, he sleeps 5 nights on the street like a homeless, and 1 night at a hotel. He told me many crazy stories about his adventures and misadventures. He once traveled to a city in Spain without ever touching the paved road and without a map, on a motorcycle. He's a true free-spirit, which I admire.

He studied psychology but ended up working in marketing, because it's hard to find a job in psychology. He's from a town called Valencia and said that people in Barcelona thinks he has the accent of a poor person. During his free time, he likes to make music in his room. He taught me a lot about Spain. I wasn't aware of political and cultural issues in Spain, such the division of the Catalan and Spanish.

When he finally asked me what my story was...I didn't tell him much. I didn't know what to say. "It's complicated" I simply said. He's a passionate guy who gives a 100% to things he sees as worthy, even if it's unconventional. He said he never met a girl like me, who seems so cold, and has a so-used-to-everything kind of attitude. It's the way I've been for the past few years...nothing seems so good, or so bad, and I'm rarely impressed, excited or disappointed. I don't know why...it's as if I lost my sense of taste. That's why I admire him even more, and I'm curious about him.

We talked a lot about everything and nothing. I noticed he had really ugly nails, because he bites them. He also smokes. He seems unstable and just wants to live day by day; he doesn't have any solid future plans. He said he thought women were made to be abused when he was younger. He likes to be mean and he doesn't care about them. He once told a bulimic girl that she's fat (without knowing he said). He hurt more than a few, and doesn't regret. He's the kind of guy I would never date if I were in my normal state in Montreal. But I really like him, and I can relate to him. Life is strange.

He tried to kiss me, but I didn't let him. As we started walking back. he asked again "Can I kiss you?" I said no. "I don't like guys who ask. I like guys who just do it...guys who are assertive."

"Sorry, my parents raised me to be polite." he replied. He's so funny. Then, he just held me tight and kissed me, without asking this time. The way he held me is very different from anything I've felt before, it's as if he's giving me a back massage. "You stink!" I said, I didn't like his cigarette breath. He just laughed.

We spent the next day together. He left work early to come see me. I was never really into holding hands; I prefer holding arms. Most guys I've done that to, usually just leave their arm straight, sometimes with their hand in their pocket. But he actually folded his arm in 90 degree so my hand just rested there comfortably. It's so old-fashioned. "That's the way I walk with my grand-mother, but with you it's much better." We laughed so much.

Unfortunately, I had to leave for Madrid...and we had to say goodbye. "I'll always remember when I kissed you, and you said that I stink," he said, mimicking me saying it. "If you keep talking to me, I have a confession still to be made ;) Take care and be happy!"

"I'll miss you a lot. Thanks for the time we spent, and for sharing your funny and personal stories. Maybe we'll see each other again someday, we never know. Take care for now!"

"I think I could fall in love with you if you had given me time..." he said.

"I think I could fall in love with you too..."

It was a long goodbye...

Oh, and the confession is that he downloaded his favorite pictures of me to keep them so he can remember me. How sweet!

When I got to Madrid, we still kept talking. He recommended a place where I can get the best squid burger in town, so I went to get it the next day. Then, I decided that I definitely had to go back to see him in Barcelona. I changed the time of my bus ticket so I can leave Madrid earlier. Maybe he's just good with words, and I really don't know much about him. Sometimes, I would get this feeling that he will do some stupid shit and I will end up hating him...just like every guy I've ever known. There's no point in seeing him again, really...but life is short, I really want to enjoy every last second of it. He's such a gentleman, and he's very generous and chivalrous. Maybe because Spain is a less-developed country than Canada...not that it should have any correlation...

He would send me some of his music from time to time. I really like them, and I think it a way of knowing him better.

Finally, we saw each other one last time before I flew to Paris. He's someone I will remember for the rest of my life. He's one of those people who changed my way of thinking, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think all of this is just incredible. Going to Spain was really a last minute decision. If I didn't get fired, I would not go to Morocco...and if I didn't go to Morocco, I wouldn't go to Spain...and I wouldn't have met him. Although he says he's a mean guy, I truly believe he's a sweetheart inside...and I hope he won't get hurt anymore.

...and I try to write as much detail as I can, because memories will fade someday, and I might never see him again. I just really want to remember everything about him.

Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in the same city?

Living the right way...

...you go to bed greeted with a reminder that you must rise early tomorrow to make a living. You try to sleep but something grabs you; a feeling of dissatisfaction, but it’s strangely sentimental. You're frustrated and you're wondering what you did wrong. You hear the ticking sound of the clock and you watch the seconds and minutes going by slowly. You long for something lost in time. You remember that once upon a time, things were prioritized mainly by the way they made you feel...

Maybe one day, you will realize that doing things the right way is the reason why you find yourself struggling your whole life. You worked hard all your life, your possession base grows, you have a successful career and you’re admired by peers...but what for? I wonder if it would still matter in the end...

You wake up the next morning and drive to work with a feeling of misguided direction. When did making a living change from being free, to working and succeeding? You can handle it though…after all these years of doing things the right way.

One life

On a long bus journey through Tanzania, "Why did you get that tattoo?" I asked Michael, pointing at his tattoo on his right arm that reads One Life.

"...because my right leg grew deformed and I had tons of surgeries around my knee", he replied as he rolled his shorts up to show me the scars, "the doctor said that I cannot do any sports anymore, but 3 weeks later, he saw me running on the beach".

He said that it still hurts when he does exercises, but he still perseveres. He wanted to climb Kilimanjaro and he did. This is one of the reasons why I look up to him in a way. I also have back injury and I've felt like a victim for a long time, thinking that life was really unfair to me.

Michael comes from a smaller city in western Australia. He is a very active person and loves mountains and the outdoors. I once looked through his phone and saw his list of goals to accomplish and skill sets to acquire withing 2.5 years. The skills that he wishes to acquire include sailing, and other things that I don't remember. His goals include purchasing a house, becoming chartered, finding a good girl. He tells me that he's never been in love, he's always been the heartbreaker and none of his relationships lasted longer than 8 months...but this isn't because he is not serious, but because he is too serious...

"What if you don't fall in love even at 80 years old?" I asked.

"Then it's just not meant to be." he replied. "Have you ever been in love?"

"I don't know..."

He really inspired me, and I haven't met many people who can inspire me to change my life. His perseverance, the way he approaches life, his strength, etc...I once was so broken that I settled for someone who I thought would be more appropriate for me at that time...and I don't totally regret, but I shouldn't have went back again and again after breaking up. I just thought that I would never fall in love, but at least I'm with someone who's a good friend. Michael inspired me to not settle unless I fall in love, and if it never happens, then it's okay...it's just not meant to be. He inspired me to find someone who has clear goals and plans to accomplish them...

Meeting Michael and all the incidents that happened in Africa makes me feel shiny and new, and everything suddenly means something different; it made me realize that it might not be too late for me, and I don't have to be so obsessed about people from the past. I'm someone who believes in fate, and Africa has given me many signs to move on and to start over. 

I love travelling, and sometimes, I think about how my life could've gone in a total diffrerent direction and I imagine looking at my life from a distant future. Sometimes, I have dreams of flight, to live a different life in a different world, to never come back...
 

...and to be honest, I also want to relocate to Australia. It used to be a place where I had no interest to visit, and I'm not exactly sure why I want to go there, maybe I just want to escape some thoughts? Maybe I'm still on vacation mode? Most of my decisions are not based on reasons...same as the fact that I still don't know the reasons for which I decided to go to Africa...but somewhere inside, I knew I had to go...and I don't regret.

The reality is that I cannot just leave Montreal like that. Other people can, but I can't. My parents rely on me financially, and I cannot just go work on the beach or in a restaurant for a living. This is my biggest concern at the moment.

I don't know how things will go, and I don't know if I'll be happier there either. The truth is that, I don't always follow through; maybe I will, maybe I won't...but I believe that if I'm meant to go there then, it will happen. If not, I will find what I've been looking for here as well. 

Post Break-Up

Finally, he didn't come to bring me my stuff yesterday because he forgot. He always forgets. I still called him just to talk, as a friend, before going to bed. I think this made it easier for me too.

“What are your plans in the future?” I asked him. I was curious.

“I don’t even know. I really don’t,” he answered.

“What would you do if I were with someone else?”

“I would go tell him to treat you right, to not hurt you…”

“You’re stupid. That’s what you’re doing right now. What about you? What do you want in a relationship in general?”

“I can't even think about a relationship now. Maybe I’m not made for this. I don’t know. That’s why we can’t be together now. It’s unfair to you, and to me too.”

 “…but why were you with me then?”

“Because I really like you, I find you funny, open-minded...you're witty and intelligent. I respect that.”

“Are you going to be happier without me?”

“I don’t know, Elaine. But you will certainly be happier without me. Probably not in the next few days…but you know what I mean.”

“I will certainly be happier…”

“You will?”

“Of course. Who would want to be where I’m at now? …to be with someone who doesn’t even know what they want. I hope you know that your indecisiveness is making people’s life hard around you. Breaking up is the best solution only to you, not to me. I think your parent’s divorce really shaped everything. Other than not being together, you don’t see any other solutions. I hope you know that the problem is not actually us, but more like you? ”

“Yes I know, because I don’t know what I want…but I’ve always been like that. I never really knew what I wanted…”

“Are you going to find out one day?...If one day you find out, will you let me know even if I’m already with someone else?”

“That depends on how much you love him…”

“How would you even know that?”

“Okay, I will tell you.”

(...)

“Jonathan…Think about the past few months we had…was it a lot better than before?”

“Yes.”

“…and you remember when we were in the living room arguing because I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend while you didn’t? You said you didn’t want responsibilities and expectations. And look at the past few months, it’s not as bad as you thought…and the future will be different too and probably better…but you will not find out anymore.”

“…but there were still expectations.”

“Without expectations, there are no improvements…”

“We’re fundamentally different, and I’m sure you know there are a lot of compromises between us…”

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Being with someone is to be okay with the fact that things won’t always be easy, and let me tell you this, nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. Also I’m changing for myself, not just for you…those are healthy changes.”

"You actually became a better person...I didn't."

(...)

“The other day, I was an ass. I kept discouraging you, but you really wanted to do it. And you did. I was proud of you.”

“See? I'm always right.” I jokingly said. “Maybe one day, you’ll think of the conversation we had tonight, and you’ll find yourself stupid.”

“Maybe.”

“If that happens, I will forgive you.”

“Ha, I'm laughing through tears now…You know a lot about me. You can see through people… you can see through me, you probably know me better than anybody else, which makes you very addicting. You’re someone I hold dear.”

“I just wish you knew yourself better…”

(...)

“What is it that you always wanted to do but never did?”

“Be a soccer player and play in Europe.”

“Good…”

I asked him questions, I wanted to help him because I care about him and I hope one day, he will know himself better, be proud of himself, the firm decisions he took and the path he chose. His answers still showed so much uncertainty…I think he’ll just have to find out for himself; nobody can think it through for him. And if he doesn’t? Ignorance is a bliss...only when you never wake up. 

We agreed to remain friends, but we will limit our contacts for the next few months and maybe even years. The reason I agreed to remain friends is because I really want to see where he will go with his life...I still have hopes that he will one day grow into the person he will be proud of. He said he will get an education, and get a passport and find a balance in his life...I know he said it in the heat of the moment, and he knows too. Planning is boring but it is half the journey, I said. I hope he will understand.

I'm glad this didn't happen right before my vacations, and especially not after either. 

I have my plane ticket, it's a one-way :)

Dots

"..."

"......"

".........."

Take me out

On March 7th of 2011, I asked you when were you going to take me out. You said you would not take me out in the classic sense of the expression, so I started ignoring you. "Are you going to give me the cold shoulder?" you asked me a few days later. "That's very exact", I said.

Memories

April 9th, 2011: It was the first Saturday we spent together. This picture was taken at the old port. It seemed like the weather was warm enough to have brunch outside. I remember carefully examining his face...I didn't think he was handsome, ha. He was wearing the same shirt, same scarf and same coat as the first time we met...he doesn't spend money on clothes :)


♥♥♥♥




Somewhere in April 2011: This was a print screen during a skype conversation. It was a Sunday. I was with my own thoughts and isolated. At that moment, I saw someone who was trying to help me, but I was not able to open up. I saw someone who cared about me; he was desperately trying to understand...but I left him out.

♥♥♥♥




Sometime in April: This is his favorite bottle of wine and it was the first time I ate something he cooked; the only thing is ever cooked actually...the awesome pasta sauce. It was right after I cried on his chest, and I felt he took us more seriously from that point on. He told me that he was trying to loose his beer belly that summer and that I would see if I stayed.

♥♥♥♥




April 24th, 2011: This picture was taken at a Vietnamese restaurant in downtown. He was so fat that he almost couldn't button up his shirt :)

♥♥♥♥




April 27th, 2011: This picture was taken at Jonathan's work. I can tell he was trying to show me his ambition.

♥♥♥♥




April 30th, 2011: Grabbing a beer at the old port

♥♥♥♥




July 2nd, 2011: He has such a funny face on that picture; it makes me laugh when I look at it. That was the morning after I invited Jonathan to sleep over at my place when my parents were in Toronto. He smelled so bad that I had to shower him before I allowed him to sleep on my bed...boys don't know how to shower, I tell ya. The morning after, I kept screaming at him because he hugged me while I was still sleeping and it woke me up. I was so inconsiderate...

♥♥♥♥




August 12th, 2011: This must be my favorite picture of him. It was taken at Trois Brasseurs. I just love the way he's staring at me on this picture.

♥♥♥♥




August 20th, 2011: We went to that breakfast place near his place quite often. I miss his smile on this picture.

Passion

Passion is waking up at 4 in the morning to climb that mountain, through the fog and summer heat, to reach the top in sweat, just to witness the sunrise from another perspective. It’s finding an underground hidden spot while the city sleeps, drinking, giggling at every word and not getting tired of silly talks. It’s swimming into the darkness of the ocean, under the shining stars, eyes closed and mind cleared, risking our lives against the violent waves. It’s the countless nights spent barhopping with a broken heart, letting bad things happen for the sake of adventure, and falling asleep at sunrise. It’s the casual talks shared during the daily visits at the hospital, knowing that every single day could possibly be the last one. It's drawing pages after pages in a productive evening while drinking champagne and discussing philosophy with people I newly met. It’s my dad running away from me, leaving me in the last childhood memory that I have of feeling safe. It's turning my back on my dad and walking towards the unknown as he sheds the first tear at the airport.

Passion is being alone, at 4 in the morning, writing about the word passion and what it means to me. It’s tearful, angry but sweet. It's spontaneous and scary. It's obsessive and a little insane. It’s the residual that persists through years of denial, conflict and resolution to, at last, end up as fond memories.

Happiness in retrospect

Oh my god, look what I found!

Do they even make those anymore? Probably not.
Okay, I’m technology-retarded.

I don’t even know what they are called. Tapes, maybe? I don’t know. I grew up listening to the same few ones in every car ride. They were eventually put away under a pile of dust because nowadays, technology moves faster than we realize it. But no matter how fast technology changes, I still love every single song and the lyrics that go with it. They spread a much different ambiance than CDs. Playing those tapes again brings back so many memories...

I remember the house where I used to live, the lady that gave me candies when she sees me on my balcony, the hole under the stairs that became the reason for my fear of spiders, the bunk beds, that ordinary painting hanging on the wall that found its way to intrigue me, the couch in the basement in which my grand-mother often laid and how I always tried to kick her off. Apparently, I were not the most obedient child but, everyone liked me so much…probably because I were so cute and adorable. I always received many presents, like stuffed animals, from teachers and neighbours even when it wasn't my birthday. I still have them. Oh, and there was my unreasonable preschool friend that I liked but she constantly played mean tricks on me; she always wins because I were so gullible. I also recall how I were always the only one who stayed awake during naptime at the daycare, my pink blanket with my name on it, the classmates that were jealous because the music teacher repeatedly picked me first...they were stupid enough to not even notice the obvious pattern. When I cried on the first day of elementary school, when I was the only one who didn’t cry when the school was flooded, when I talked to myself while playing with barbies, and one day I decided to decapitate them after drawing over their face. Then I remember that big wooden table in the kitchen where I used to leave my pink lunch box in a corner - my corner that no one touches. Sometimes, my baby sister would cry out loud when my parents yell at her at dinner…and I’d tell her to come to me.

Those were the best memories. However while I was there, I didn't actually feel that happiness or anything at all. And I think I start to understand why happiness can only be experienced in retrospect, which cartoonist Tim Kreider depicted with such wisdom in his article, Averted Vision:

In this respect it resembles averted vision, a phenomena familiar to backyard astronomers whereby, in order to pick out a very faint star, you have to let your gaze drift casually to the space just next to it; if you look directly at it, it vanishes. And it’s also true, come to think of it, that the only stars we ever see are not the “real” stars, those cataclysms taking place in the present, but always only the light of the untouchable past.

I read this article many times. I had a hard time grasping its full meaning the first times I read it, but the tapes helped me understand those words better. I understand why it's usually after a break up that we fall in love and why it's only after we've lost that we start to appreciate. I'm sure we've all once blamed ourselves for being such fools but, have anyone thought that we might have been misguided by popular beliefs?

The fresh heartbreak was, in a sense, like being in a foreign country; everything seemed alien, brilliant and glinting. It was as if I’d been flayed, so that even the air hurt. When you’re that unhappy, any glimmer of beauty or consolation feels like running into an old friend abroad, or seeing mountaintops through smog. Maybe we mistakenly think we want “happiness,” which we tend to picture in very vague, soft-focus terms, when what we really crave is the harder-edged intensity of experience.

When we're so fully engaged in an experience, we don't think about asking ourselves whether we're happy or not but the second we do, we cease to be. Maybe the purpose of life is to create more of those happy memories by loosing ourselves in the intensity of the moment, which in turn stays encoded in the sounds, smells and other senses that were present at that very moment. In my case, some of my happiest memories stayed in those songs.

I used to ask my mom every day "Mom, did I grow up? Am I a year older now? When will I be older? Did my face change? Am I prettier now"? Finally...it's not all that great being grown up. Everything changed now. Now, no one dares to approach me because of my intimidating face; I don’t look so adorable anymore. The other day, I was shopping during my break at Pharmaprix and saw my favourite brand of chocolate chip cookies when I were little. My mom used to put some in my pink lunch box that she'd fill at a certain interval only. I can only eat those in the pink lunch box and once I finished them, I’d beg my mom to give me more but of course, it was usually a negative answer. Now that I think about it, she did a great job in developing my self-discipline. Now, I can eat whatever I want but I don’t eat those chocolate chip cookies anymore. And it made me realize that I became too obsessed with my weight and calorie intake. Also, everyone in my family eats separately wherever they want at this point. My parents don’t even have the chance to yell at anyone anymore because no one talks to anybody. I no longer talk to my sister and no one really knows what’s going on in each other’s life…

It makes me wonder what it was like in the 80's. Some of the songs were recorded by my mom and I started imagining what her life was like when she was about my age and already married, when she was bored in an empty house and trying to find something fun to do in this unfamiliar country, without her family and friends. It must have been lonely. I tried to imagine how she pictured her future. Was it much different from the reality of today? It must be. It makes me think that I should be nicer to her.

They say great songs can change our lives. I'm glad I found those tapes :)

2010

For some complex reasons, I love and hate december; it's such an overwhelming month because it's the time of the year when we look back at our actions, make resolutions and await for a new year.

2010 was an overall difficult year for me. There were some memorable ups, but mostly unforgettable downs. What was forgotten was read back to me and the lessons taught in the form of deceiving and fearing were painful to learn. There were moments when I even started questioning the reason of my useless existence. Nightmares and dreams of flight were frequent. Although difficult, it was also an important year and it will possible be the one I remember the most because this year, I have finally decided to wake up and take the first step in overcoming the fears that caused that decade of silence. This is my first attempt in recognizing the girl I see in the mirror every day; the one I suppressed with the accompanied grief.

"Man, that chick is strong!" I remember that guy, who I barely knew, saying about me. I thought I were too... but today, I finally accepted that I'm definitely not a strong person. I'm just very tough...which is very different from being strong.

I recently stumbled across some psychological articles…I had a hard time reading them because every word was so sharp and heavy on me. However, revisiting the facts did help me understand why I react the way I do and why I always tend to make bad choices. I did many things that normal girls wouldn't do. My life's pattern and behavioral problems were predicted in those research papers with such exactitude that it is hard to believe. Life was never really what I could make it to be; it was prescribed to me too early when I didn't have the power to control nor to protect myself. They say people with similar backgrounds often learn to become perpetrator, an emotionally hurtful one, one that is verbally assaulting and critical. And that really scares me because I can recognize myself along those lines among others that I don't even want to mention. I'm scared to hurt people I love because I know exactly how to hurt them and to eventually become what I were always terrified of. Is that what I’ve become already?

Those who have been close to me at some point should have been able to notice that I'm different…different in a way not to be proud of, perhaps a little strange. When the horrifying incidents occured, I were too young and I didn’t have the knowledge to rationalize things. But even at that age, I already knew that being happy will be harder for me compared to average people. That's how cruel the world is. Even now, I'm still reluctant to ask for help and tell people what exactly happened because it’s shameful; I don't want to be judged and to be misunderstood.

I only told two people. The first time I did was nearly a decade ago, I didn't say it properly because I didn't know how so, I wasn't taken seriously. I wish I were smarter back then. The second time happened more recently, I told someone the truth after denying it. I honestly regretted both times and I should’ve kept it to myself. We all know that quote right? "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" I'm still amazed, in more ways than one, every time I hear it. What if no one will love you after they know what you actually are? They often say how they love my self-confidence...but what if that's merely an overbearing conceitedness that covers an incredibly low self-esteem? What if that face is a just pretty shell that masks a troubled personality? What if those long legs and short skirts are just what I use to shield my weaknesses and insecurities?

I used to remind myself that I’m strong and nobody needs to know about the horrors of my childhood, the past doesn’t affect me. When you repeat a lie too many times, you eventually end up believing it, so I grew up thinking that I’ve left it behind. The truth is that not only I haven't but, it is reflected in all facets of my life. Over the years, on different occasions, I would encounter people or find myself in situation that triggers the memories of that trauma and I would burst out of anger or tears. People would think I’ve lost my mind...and then after the fact, I would act normal again and tell people that I don’t have an idea why it happened. Deep inside, I knew exactly why but I wasn’t strong enough to face it. I remember one time, I was sent to the ER twice in one month. When the doctor came in, he asked me a few questions and commanded me to do something. I started feeling uncomfortable and anxious ...like the way it used to be when I were younger, when I were vulnerable and didn't have control over my body. The next thing I know, I started crying out loud. He was probably shocked that I acted that way so he called in the nurses. Their eyes...they all looked at me like I were some abnormal creature. They must have thought that I were crazy. And maybe I were actually as crazy as everyone thought.

I know I’m not the most unfortunate one though. I were lucky enough to cross paths with someone who helped me out. I never encountered someone that I can say was really strong, but I can tell with certainty that Kevin is one of the strongest people I know. Not many understand why I still keep my promises even after so long...but he was really the only one who never let me down, so of course I have to. I never promise anything to anyone but when I do, I keep them forever. He was very generous...the most generous on the planet and he didn’t even have an idea. He was responsible, tolerated me and my flared tempers, respected me for who I am...he really was a real man. It brings tears to my eyes just to know that, once upon a time, I was a princess. Once upon a time, someone real was there entirely for me...at least once. That marked the turning point in my life. It was because of him that I know it's still possible to trust someone, to care about them genuinely without fearing that they use our weaknesses to affirm their power and I learned to appreciate the small things in life. I owe him everything

...I have to mention that we barely speak the same language so he can't lie to me even if he wanted to, ha. Just kidding. No but seriously, that's the good thing because communication was never a big problem: Whatever he wanted to tell me, he had to show me with actions rather than redundant words. Although we each have to go our own separate ways now, I’m still thankful I met him.

I was actually already on the right path for recovery after that. I was positive and loving life. Sometimes, I smiled like an idiot for no reason. I felt like a newborn again. Unfortunately, I was really the only one who improved, the cruelty of this world only worsened. Surrounded by all those dirty lies, I have to admit that it was hard to remember the things Kevin taught me without anyone reminding me… but I tried hard and stopped being so aggressive. But certainly, the story never ends just right there. The closer I get to feelings, the further that I'm feeling from alright. The more I step into the sun, the more I step out of the light. One day, someone brought the memories from that trauma back and reinforced them. I was told to get affection is to put out sexually. That was the last thing I wanted to be reminded of. Something I’ve been wrongly taught in my childhood. Something I tried to move away from. I can't even find the right words to describe the way that person made me feel; it was lower than low. Despite that, I were not strong enough to respect my boundaries and to burn the bridges. I even feel guilty…was I really the one who asked for it? That was when I fell back down that self-destructive path bearing a grudge that I'm still not able to let go.

Sometimes, when our lives are so difficult and then something fantastic that we've been longing for so long comes about, we end up feeling like we're not worth it. And I remember how I always found the most unreasonable excuse to push them away. I did that too many times. What was not broken, I destroyed. I'm so hyper-vigilant and restlessly in control of everything that I came to believe that I’m smart for being able to see through people’s bullshit. The truth is that I actually have a hard time judging people's trustworthiness. On the other hand, I would stick around those that reflect the energy of what I'm terrified- the controlling type. I would play the victim and fall in that doormat syndrome. I clearly knew it was just gross psychological manipulation because victims know how to be victims; no one should believe a word that comes out of my mouth. My lies are so believable that even I, sometimes, happen to believe them. Maybe that’s a self-abusive pattern that stems back too far and too early in my life.

Today, I'm an adult and I'm knowledgeable enough to understand that I wasn't the one at fault, but knowing the theory is useless when the mind do not sync with the body. I know those two entities were divided apart too early to fix them right now. It is maybe too late for me to make it right.

That's me, behind that tough girl mask. Still haven’t been strong enough to grow out of it. Still struggling, still trying to recover and still not courageous enough to tell the world. During difficult times, I try to recall of that one time when someone proved me, with actions, the opposite of what I thought would never be possible. I can't be thankful enough for the undeserved love. It gives me hope. Hope is one of the most important things in the world because it can save lives. That’s the best thing Kevin left me with.

…but in all honesty, I'm still angry and I still think that's unfair. Why me? I really could've lived a simpler and happier life. Why do I have to be that girl with tons of issues…those are stains that will follow me and will continue to affect my life until the day I die. Who can I tell? Who will stay and who will go?

That would be my New Year resolution; be stronger. I need to be strong because only strength will get me further, toughness won’t. I need to take better care of myself, respect my own boundaries and stop falling because no one will pick me up again. I still don’t know if I'll be able to recover completely and the percentage of people who actually do is proven to be low…but I'll keep track of my progress in this blog and maybe gradually become more open about it and accept it. I'm not going to forget or suppress those memories again; the goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned without feeling the pain that goes along with all these kinds of things. I don't think I ever hesitated that long before posting an entry. And maybe I will never change, y'know. Maybe I will never find myself; the one hidden behind that mask. Maybe I'm just that apathetic. I don't fuckin' know. All I know for sure is that it will be a life-long battle and learning process.

2011 will be a better year, hopefully.

That day

...I finally remember there was that day; I can't remember which one precisely. If there was one day you didn't lie to me, it must've been that one day. That day, your words were translated into actions; it was a symbolic promise to me. And if there was one day I were sincere to you, it must've been that day as well. I was holding on to you so tight while longing for a happier future. That day, I told myself to change for the better, to stop acting so crazy, to be good to you, to make up for things I did wrong, to learn to believe you…Those were the thoughts that went through my mind that day. I couldn’t express them into words. Words are only a mere disguise of the way I truly felt.

That was the bit of sweet I was searching for; the piece of memory that I was trying to recall and the only I will keep in mind. It's already enough of a reason to let go of the grudge. The weather is turning cold, but the sun fall is still as pretty. I just want to be happy and keep hoping for better days, but this time, without you.

Through my perspective

Nothing stays clear forever. In the midst of thousands of words, some are not easy to say. Showing a world that isn’t drawn with blinding comfort and plain self-interest is something I love to do. I once hoped to offer a new perspective; tell stories and illustrate a world that have my unique beginnings...

...but that also means showing others what to target in me. One thing always seemed to be forgotten: the power gained through the privilege of holding someone else's fear in your hand can only be achieved with their consent. Too often, that privilege is misused and disregarded. Fortunately however, what is disregarded doesn’t always fade away so easily.

The emotions that are hardest to leave behind are the ones condensed into the sharp-edged broken pieces once dipped in your own poison. What’s more unpleasant than being subject to the cuts of your own remorse?...The cuts that bring back the memories of the things deliberately ignored. The cuts that remind you that no one can do wrong without suffering wrong. The cuts that teaches the great meaning and value of basics…

So this is what you have come to, eavesdropping, spying, and desperately searching out your traces in my world. What does it feel like to see through the key hole to my galaxy? Reading my life that you don’t have access to, listening to words that aren’t dedicated you, to always be talked to but never the subject of the conversation? The underestimated delicateness is most cruel amongst all. It must hurt to be so knowingly ignored and to finally see things my way...

It's a world with my own beginnings...
Although not many saw, I can tell you’re not the only one. You will remember me...but you won't get to remember me as I am.

Worth of weight

The days without tomorrows...
♥♥♥

“The things which we fear the most in life have already happened to us” as Robin Williams stated but, his theory is incomplete. If things which we fear most have already became history, then what makes them terrifying? Is it perhaps the possibility of their return? Nietzsche once called the concept of eternal return horrifying and consists of the heaviest of burdens; we drown beneath its weight. I believe this is true. Otherwise, if banned to return, the magnitude of beauty and consequences of horridness mean nothing and will eventually become mere light breeze in the air, frightening no one.

I’m not sure since when or why, but somewhere along the way, I started to adopt that mindset that expects all my relationships to go downhill eventually. I almost fantasize about the end of them…perhaps because the intolerable weight takes away the raw and unguarded moments that I yearn to live. That weight, although heavy on every move I make, is valuable and I still believe it merits the sacrifice. However, worth is subjective and what is seen as worthy is not necessarily what we deserve.

I have always thought it was my destiny to end up alone, living a life that is lighter than air, enjoying the days without tomorrows, taking things as they come, discovering new adventures hid around each corner… all in the absence of that heavy burden...

…then again, I really hope someone is able to convince me of the opposite. I often heard that when it’s perfect, no one has to bend or break, value doesn’t always cause back pain. The question is; does such perfection exist in reality or only in invented fantasy? Maybe there's something I still don't understand and have yet to discover...

The past summer: Goodbye and good riddance

Mind made up. Finally crawling out of solitude, crawling to the start of summer, rushing into its energy. Burning bridges with some, celebrating paths recrossed with others, starting over. Working out again, setting new goals, accomplishing projects, adjusting to the craziness of my everyday. Hesitantly accepting the helping hands offered, welcoming new people in my life. Hoping to satisfy, to please, find comfort. Compromising, improving, attempting to compensate for the effort lacking in the past. Tolerating flared tempers, know-it-all bullshits. Being pushed back downwards, backwards in the confusion, abandonment, devastation. Learning lessons, escaping from life. At last, accepting all blames and crawling back to solitude.

Solitude is not to be confused with loneliness. Solitude is peaceful; it’s when no allowance is made to the eyes watching. As I grow, I quickly learnt to appreciate its lost art. Solitude is the best time for reflecting, quietly contemplating, creating and focusing on personal goals which in turn leads to critical breakthroughs or self-discovery. Solitude stipulates our desire to explore; it aliments our curiosity about the unknown and the world around us...

…but at this moment, I’m withdrawing from the chaos and blames. I’m unconnecting from all my relationships, responsibilities and social networks...in order to gradually restore, crawl out of solitude once more and over again, crawl to wintertime and rush into its charm ♥

Delicate Balance

I recently did a shoot with Von Wong for the designer Andy Nguyen's telio-winning suit titled "languishing". This is one my most difficult shoots because I had to be hung from a ceiling and wore a face strap for over 2 hours, but the results amply justify it.

Most of the time, the meaning that images try to convey is differently perceived by each of us. That's because our musical compositions and dictionaries are already more or less complete, and every word, every musical note, every object means something different to every of us. I want to share this not only because the concept is interesting but most importantly, something clicked in my mind when I saw those photos. It sets things right and I'm thankful I finally realize this...

I should start by explaining that the black version represents the stronger outer shell that we show the world and of course, the white version is the soft and vulnerable inner core. Together, they build a body where anger, pain, happiness, dreams and hopes are all accumulated inside; the whole is frightening yet so beautiful. Unfortunately, not everyone can perceive the beauty of it; some will even attempt to cherry-pick the more likeable side. The insecurities and pressure push both in attempting to stand on its own; the darker side tries to dominate while the softer side struggles to run away.

This is when we lose our stability and start transmitting confusing signals to outsiders. I'm sure for those who read my blog will see the reflection of these two extremes in my posts...


We're each other's worst enemies and we make each other's life a hell. On the other hand, no matter the amount of dispute, denial and divergence of opinion...we're incomplete without each other. We're weak without each other. We cannot be separated as we built each other up through the path we jointly walked...


In the end, we realize that each of us is strong in different senses and we compensate for the lack of each other. It's always when we decide to accept and support one another that we’re able to find that balance and to finally be at peace.

We're beautiful together and we'll continue to accompany each other on many journeys to come...

The end :)

Credits:
Photographer: Benjamin Wong
Models: Linda DreamDiamond (white version) and EJ (black version)
Hair: Eva Jinn
Makeup: Lisa-Marie Charron
Designer: Andy Nguyen
Assistants: Jo Gorsky and Kristofer Jensen