Titles

“A lot of people get along very well that way. If you’re worried that I'm not committed then I can assure you that you’re the only one. I'm always there for you, I even cry for you, isn’t that enough? Actions speak louder than words, what does it change that we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“I know a lot of people get along that way, but it just isn’t for me. Everything about this is wrong. Stop saying that you would do this and that for me, because what I’m asking is very simple and you can’t even give me that. Actions speak louder than words, but if you were so certain, words don’t affect your actions.”

“I feel, if we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, there’s a certain expectation, and I think that’s why we broke up. ”

“Do you mean I cannot expect anything from you now? We definitely didn’t break up because of that; you're giving me excuses. I think you’re the one who has a problem.”

“Then what about you, why do you absolutely want to be boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“…because. My culture, my parents, my values. Everything. I just can’t compromise my values, sorry. You know I want to get married someday,so if you’re telling me now that we’ll always be in this kind of underground relationship, then I'm definitely wasting my time.”

“You're not underground, Elaine, my family and friends know you're my girl. But to be honest, marriage is very far from my mind. My parents divorced and I know tons of people in shitty marriage. I don’t think I’ll ever get married.”

“It’s far from my mind too, but I know I’ll want that someday, so if you're telling me now that it's never going to happen, then it’s better to just stop everything now than 5 years later…"

“I will find someone who thinks like me.”

“Go ahead then.”

“So what, after today, we never see each other again?”

“Yes.”

“You’re ridiculous. You see things as a definite end. What about the days that we spent, we had a good time, if you’re not happy then why are you here?”

“I told you I disagreed with this idea from the beginning, I only spent time with you because I was hoping, but now it seems like the answer is definite.We spend good times together, but just to let you know that there is something that holds me back. I’ll never be happy with you. I just can’t regard you as someone important if we’re in this kind of situation.”

“What are you talking about?! I’m not important to you? So I’m only important to you if we’re in a relationship?”

“Forget about it, you don’t understand. When you give someone a present, do you buy something that you like or something that they like?”

“Something they like, of course…”

“Really? That’s not what you’re doing now. Honestly, you'd rather not be with me than doing just a little something for me, and if you're saying that it doesn't change anything to you then can't you just do it because it matters to me?”

"That's because you want to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Security, maybe? I don't even know."

"I don't want to talk anymore; that conversation is going nowhere. We see things differently, that's all."

"Definitely."

[10 minutes later]

“Okay, well you’re right. If we crash, it will not be because of a title. Let's do things 100%, right?”

“Stop that, you don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Going to Vermont

...with Teddy Bear!

Haha, it makes me laugh when I think about how we met.

Long story short, about 3 years ago, he rejected me in a club, seriously. Since then, I always thought he gave me a weird look whenever we passed each other at school. Until last year, we took CPA together and I asked him about that night and he swore he didn't know it was me but he did remember a drunk girl, and he rejected me because he was too shy. Hahaha!

"You want to go to La Ronde?"

"I don't want to think about that, I only want to call you when I want..."

"You want to come over? I want to see you."

"Sorry, I'm not in a good mood today and my mom doesn't want me to spend the night a friends' place."

"I want to kiss you."

"I don't kiss friends."

"I want to put my penis in your eyes, and in your nose."

"I want to put my dildo in my eyes, and in my nose."

"I miss you."

"Okay."

"You have that mean gene in you. Did you inherit it?"

"I guess so."

Complicated

I met Jonathan two weeks ago. We went for a walk and grabbed something to eat in Chinatown. Half of the time, he was trying to hold my hand, but I didn’t let him.

 “That was like the first met…you were so prude,” he said.

 It went pretty well overall, we were happy, but I was very reluctant at the same time. I couldn’t help but wonder when will be the next time he gets one of those crisis.

“Do you have something to say? I know that face. Tell me.”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

When we left, we kissed and that’s it.

Another week went by, I was pretty busy with work since it’s tax season. We talked to each other a few times a week.

We met again yesterday; we were just hanging out around downtown. I asked him what we are doing for my birthday. The other day, he said he would take me out for my birthday because I told him that one of my friends wants to take me to a strip club.

 But now?

“I don't want to think about your birthday, I just want to see you when I want...”

“Okay then, I guess I'll celebrate with the guy that invited me to the strip club then.”

I was pretty pissed at that point. We sat down somewhere in a park, he told me that he wants to see me when I’m happy but he doesn’t want to go through these rollercoasters. In my mind, I thought that meant that I can only call him for entertainment, y’know. I was very sad, I cried, but I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I didn’t just run away this time. I just wanted to pretend it’s okay and go with the flow while I figure out what I want to do about this.

After that, the whole atmosphere was just different, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun anymore. He kept asking me what was going on, so I decided that things needs to be clear today.

“I was thinking about what you said in the park, you said you only wanted to see me when I’m happy and all that. I think that you and I want different things. I really don’t like when things are unclear like this.”

“Are you serious? I don’t believe you. I said I liked to see you happy. Of course I will be there for you when you need help, Elaine.”

“That’s not what you said.”

“Elaine, I want to be with you, but if you’re saying that I don’t want a relationship then yes, you’re right, I'm not ready for that. I just want to take it slow and see what happens…If you’re worried that I see other women, I can tell you that I don’t.”

“But what’s the difference between now and what it was used to be? Maybe we should just be friends instead, y’know.”

"Are you kidding? I waited for three months and now you tell me that we should be friends? You don’t understand anything at all. You're a person with structure and limits and when things are situated outside of those limits, you become unsure how to situate yourself. And I know what you're thinking, you want to have me for the long-term and someone else meanwhile for the mid-term, you think you can have everything. Whatever he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? I know that's how you are.”

He told me that when his friends ask him if I’m his girlfriend, he says no, but I’m his girl. He also adds that they understand what he means, as if it is my problem that I don't understand. I know some people can get along that way all their life, but it’s just not the kind of arrangement that I want. It is actually important for me, and it cannot just be “whatever”. If he’s not my boyfriend, then something holds me back from being nice to him. I just have to act cold, I can’t be myself. I feel like I should have the right to meet whoever I want to be fair.

I even told him that whenever I receive a text message from him, I answer him and delete his number right after. Why would I do that? Ha…

Finally, we reached an agreement. He was happy, and I was acting happy too I guess.

“We can keep seeing each other that way...but to tell you the truth, I have a limit in the back of my mind. Maybe, 2 months? A year? If things don’t change, it will be over for me.”

“In 2 months, things would have certainly changed. It’s stupid to assume now. Do you feel stupid now? Do you know how mad I was when you said we should be friends?”

Whatever.

I thought about it today, and what I see is someone who is selfish, lazy and weak. He’s trying to hold me back; he wants all the goods without assuming the responsibilities that come with them. What an idealist he is. I believe his intentions are not as such though. I don’t feel right in this kind of relationship and I’d have to compromise my values to be with him, which I won’t.

When you can get things for free once, you will never pay for them again.

Rook

Yes, it's new :)

Indecisiveness at its best

Is this just a coincidence? Because everytime I stop caring about him, he'd call me to apologize. I can't imagine what it would be to play this game forever.

Yesterday, he texted me this "I'm thinking about it, Elaine. I think we can definitely meet. Let's put some more time to this new approach first though. I see you're already making progress. Let's not forget...have a good day :)"

I didn't answer him.

You see, I convinced him to come meet me today, but I'm not happy. I'm a good talker, or maybe just a liar, and even if I couldn't convince him, I'd be able to make him bad...but I really don't want to do this, especially to someone who is close. It just happens that Jonathan is someone who is externally motivated. Why did I do this then? Because.

I always imagined myself being with someone who is similar to me but in a stronger, wiser and smarter version, y'know.

This morning, he called me saying that he cannot come because he has a meeting and asked if we could see each other tonight instead.

"I can't. I have to go see a doctor after work."

"Do you have a date? If so, you can just tell me..."

"No, I'm going to see a doctor...but so what if I do? It's none of your business."

"Are you over me already?"

"I'm just very disappointed."

"I really want to see you, I thought about it. I'm sorry Elaine, I miss you."

"We'll talk later, I'm working."

"Ok, call me later...don't play me though, I'm hurting."

We hung up, and he texted me again...

"Elaine, what a mistake it was saying what I said. Letting it slip away is stupid and again, this is me coping with abandonment issues I guess. I've realized that I need to invest in the people who care and love me. I don't know where you stand on that now...but I feel and hope you're one of those people still...but I need to know and please be honest, have you been with anyone?"

"No. And I'm really confused. I don't think you want to be with me. Like I said, I don't think I can wait forever. I'm getting old fast. I could convince you over and over again, but I won't be happy if you cannot convince yourself."

"You're confused because I'm confusing you. I'm acting like a boy, not a man. You've been nothing but patient throughout this time and its really shown me that your caring is deep. Let's work because now, I'm loosing it...I will call you later."

We're 10 PM right now and 2 hours ago, he called me to say that we will meet another day, so I asked him why.

"I'm scared."

"...of?"

"I'm scared of you."

"...but what's the difference between today or another day?"

"I don't know, I'm not prepared mentally."