I met Jonathan two weeks ago. We went for a walk and grabbed something to eat in Chinatown. Half of the time, he was trying to hold my hand, but I didn’t let him.
“That was like the first met…you were so prude,” he said.
It went pretty well overall, we were happy, but I was very reluctant at the same time. I couldn’t help but wonder when will be the next time he gets one of those crisis.
“Do you have something to say? I know that face. Tell me.”
“Nothing, I’m just tired.”
When we left, we kissed and that’s it.
Another week went by, I was pretty busy with work since it’s tax season. We talked to each other a few times a week.
We met again yesterday; we were just hanging out around downtown. I asked him what we are doing for my birthday. The other day, he said he would take me out for my birthday because I told him that one of my friends wants to take me to a strip club.
But now?
“I don't want to think about your birthday, I just want to see you when I want...”
“Okay then, I guess I'll celebrate with the guy that invited me to the strip club then.”
I was pretty pissed at that point. We sat down somewhere in a park, he told me that he wants to see me when I’m happy but he doesn’t want to go through these rollercoasters. In my mind, I thought that meant that I can only call him for entertainment, y’know. I was very sad, I cried, but I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I didn’t just run away this time. I just wanted to pretend it’s okay and go with the flow while I figure out what I want to do about this.
After that, the whole atmosphere was just different, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun anymore. He kept asking me what was going on, so I decided that things needs to be clear today.
“I was thinking about what you said in the park, you said you only wanted to see me when I’m happy and all that. I think that you and I want different things. I really don’t like when things are unclear like this.”
“Are you serious? I don’t believe you. I said I liked to see you happy. Of course I will be there for you when you need help, Elaine.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“Elaine, I want to be with you, but if you’re saying that I don’t want a relationship then yes, you’re right, I'm not ready for that. I just want to take it slow and see what happens…If you’re worried that I see other women, I can tell you that I don’t.”
“But what’s the difference between now and what it was used to be? Maybe we should just be friends instead, y’know.”
"Are you kidding? I waited for three months and now you tell me that we should be friends? You don’t understand anything at all. You're a person with structure and limits and when things are situated outside of those limits, you become unsure how to situate yourself. And I know what you're thinking, you want to have me for the long-term and someone else meanwhile for the mid-term, you think you can have everything. Whatever he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? I know that's how you are.”
He told me that when his friends ask him if I’m his girlfriend, he says no, but I’m his girl. He also adds that they understand what he means, as if it is my problem that I don't understand. I know some people can get along that way all their life, but it’s just not the kind of arrangement that I want. It is actually important for me, and it cannot just be “whatever”. If he’s not my boyfriend, then something holds me back from being nice to him. I just have to act cold, I can’t be myself. I feel like I should have the right to meet whoever I want to be fair.
I even told him that whenever I receive a text message from him, I answer him and delete his number right after. Why would I do that? Ha…
Finally, we reached an agreement. He was happy, and I was acting happy too I guess.
“We can keep seeing each other that way...but to tell you the truth, I have a limit in the back of my mind. Maybe, 2 months? A year? If things don’t change, it will be over for me.”
“In 2 months, things would have certainly changed. It’s stupid to assume now. Do you feel stupid now? Do you know how mad I was when you said we should be friends?”
Whatever.
I thought about it today, and what I see is someone who is selfish, lazy and weak. He’s trying to hold me back; he wants all the goods without assuming the responsibilities that come with them. What an idealist he is. I believe his intentions are not as such though. I don’t feel right in this kind of relationship and I’d have to compromise my values to be with him, which I won’t.
When you can get things for free once, you will never pay for them again.