That's still a happy conclusion :)

♥♥♥
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best".— Marilyn Monroe

I can't sleep. It's already 5AM right now. I tried to sleep since 8PM last night...I couldn't wait to wake up for a new day.

I thought about it, cried about it, called some people to talk about it.
Now, there's nothing left to do about it.

...and you know what? I'm done with perfectionists who can't see past imperfections, expect you to act in a certain way and only care about their comfort....he doesn't accept the real person I am. He once said that I'm shallow but in reality, he's the shallow one; he likes pretty lies, he's the kind of guy who only wants all the goods about you but runs away when there's an obstacle instead of supporting you. Actions speak louder than words. He was so good with words but there wasn't one word he was able to keep. On the other hand, maybe I never said anything right but I put in much more effort than he did. I really wanted to be that sweet-tempered girl he wants me to be, but I didn't learn fast enough. I was tempted to give up but I chose to stay because I haven't gone far enough for him yet...until he finally said it's too late and left.

He's the one making my life complicated and giving me headaches.
I never complained but now...I fuckin do!
I don't take shit from anyone. Just no way.

Basically, the quote above resumes my thoughts.
Perfection doesn't last.
PS.: Suck my big fat cock and tell me you like it, Renan!

Not worth it...

Renan sent me a message. The message is actually just a few lines long but I read it over and over again. I'm still reading it. I really don't understand. Why did he have to tell me this? Why did I even tell him everything honestly just to deserve this? I never had the courage to tell anyone what hapenned to me but I still told him just because I didn't want him to think that I'm brainfucking him. He could've left without saying anything...I think I'd be so much happier. I really tried for him no matter how hard it was, I didn't complain, made resolutions, thought about giving up so many times but still sucked up the tears, took risks and carried on because I thought it was worth it. I even tried to change those things he didn't like about me; I stopped being so stubborn, tried to be more open and smile more... Did he see that? Now he's telling me that I'm not worth it...and telling me how I give him headaches.

The other day, I was in a drugstore and saw a cream for treatment of sunburns and I thought about him but my friend told me to not do such useless things. I still secretly went back to get it for him...

...but now it's useless.

I remember the first time he took me for a ride, he told me that there will be many more to come in the future. Then one day, he said that he'll bring me to his secret place somewhere in the north....All lies...why did he lie to me? He already had all the fun he wanted...so now it's over.

My dad always told me that no one will ever like me.

Everything becomes clear finally

Why does he reappears out of nowhere, as if he never disappeared, to ask me some dumb questions such as how my midterms went. If I don't hear from someone for more than a week, I fuckin move on! It is great to have him around but if he wants to leave then I won't make him stay. I've gained, I've lost and I've learned to handle that; I don't get obsessed anymore. In fact, I already started seeing other guys; nothing serious but just letting them take me out and show me a good time.

He said a lot of hurtful things today. He could have just told me that he doesn't want to see me again and that's it. I wasn't going to call him again anyways. Instead, he had to attack me saying that I'm a monster and he even put all the blame on me. He said that I fuck his mind, that I make things complicated, that I confuse him...when in fact, it's all the opposite; he's the one fucking my mind when I try to make things simple. I didn't even feel like explaining so I just answered "k fine". How can he expect me to explain when all he does is attacking me? Couldn't he at least ask me "why"?! Was he expecting me to stroke his ego by begging on my knees? Psh. I was so pissed that I almost wanted to say "Hey dude, I thought you only saw your dick, when did you become so emotional?! That's so girlish, Megan"! No but seriously, he's giving me headaches.

Finally I calmed down, wrote to him and told him things I never told anyone before and no, it's not even written anywhere on my blog. Although hurtful, I really appreciate the fact that he was brutally honest and almost poured his heart out this time. Why didn't he tell me from the beginning? Why is it always at these last moments that everything becomes clear? He can't blame me because I didn't even know if he liked me, so I only had the choice between treating him the same way he treats me which means being a bitch to him...or be a good actress, play his game and lie! I usually never ever try to justify myself but this time, I will. I do realize that there're lots of misunderstandings; it seems like we both have a different version of the same story and we all want to be the victim so we can blame the other one. I already tried so much for that guy that I think I should at least take one more step forward. To make things clear or whatever it is so that there won't be any regrets. That's all I can do.

Renan is gone!

That was fast, huh?

I really don't know if it's me the problem or him.

Was there one day I was 100% happy to be with him? Was there one moment I were myself and stopped analyzing him and actually enjoyed his company? Not really. And I know I'm not the only source of the problem, I wanted to keep it simple but...he makes me feel like I have to protect myself.

I remember when I was little, I rarely cried compared to other kids but these few months, I cry to everything. I can't stop. So traumatized and scared that someone wants to screw me over. He saw me cry and he catches me when I lie. Whether he is using this to tool me around? I still don't know. It's so much pressure trying to be open and at the same time, to be careful not to fall in a trap. Sometimes, I don't even want to listen to the same radio station as he does because I don't want to get attached to him. I wanted to end this but... I didn't want to miss out on anything there might be and I don't want to hide all my life. Maybe there's something about him?

...but here's what happened the other day.
So I saw Renan in the afternoon at my closed-circuit exam:

Renan: Hey, wanna come over after?
Me: Yeah okay...
Renan: I finish soon, want to wait?
Me: No, I want to go home to take a shower first...
Renan: Okay, call me when you get home.

I get home. I take a shower. I call him and he doesn't pick up.
I call him an hour later and he still doesn't pick up.
I send him a text and replies back saying that we'll meet at 8PM.
At 8PM, he texts to tell me that it will be at 9PM finally.

At 9PM, he calls me and asks if I'm ready and that I might have to wait until 10PM because he got caught up with Jonas, his new best friend. I was like...okay? Whether that's true or not, he's the only one who knows. I thought about it and I decided that if he’s that busy hanging out at the pool with his friend then I’ll just stay home to study instead. So he calls and goes “What the fuck! We had plans, you don't just cancel on me like that! You're so indecisive...You want to see me or not”?...yadda-yadda-yadda. Seriously, he pissed me off. It's always his-way-or-no-way. And what plan? That ain't no plan; it was just what I call a last minute bouche-trou plan. And even if there was a plan, then we were supposed to meet at 8, not 9, 10 or 11. I got more productive things to do than fucking him. JESUS CHRIST!

...Okay, Elaine, relax you there. Don't start a fight. Just smile when you see him and if he says you look good, like he usually would, then just say thank you. That's it. Don't get mad. Don't.

When we got to his place, he asked me if I wanted mango juice or cranberry juice with my vodka. So, I told him that it doesn't matter which. "Don't you have an opinion? Have an opinion sometimes!" he said. What the fuck! Are you fucking serious? Just because I don't care if it's cranberry or mango means that I don't have an opinion? So does it mean that just because I don't care what color are your underwear means I don't have an opinion as well? Maybe I'm just easy going? But if you want my opinion so bad then my opinion is that...you're gay.

..okay relax, Elaine...relax. *breathe*

Now I kind of notice that we never really talk about anything.
...except lies.

Anyways.

Then he started telling me how he figured me out the first day he saw me. Obviously, he's just saying that so I can go "Awww, my Renan! You know me soooo well! What would I do without you". Pshh. Actions speak louder than words; He really doesn't know a thing.

Me: You're just saying that because I'm pretty.
Renan: You're really shallow if you think I talk to you because you're pretty **I'm not shallow, I'm just realistic.

He's the one who always makes comments on how good I look, how sexy I am, how amazing my ass is and so on...and now he tells me that it's not because I'm pretty? The first time we "hung out" outside of class, he already wanted to fuck me. Fucking liar.

Renan: You like horror movies?
Me: I love horror movies!
Renan: Let’s watch that movie; the darkness. It’s one of my favorite.
Me: Ok.
Renan: Actually, you want to have sex instead of watching the movie? **NIGGA PLEASE!

The morning after was worst. I went to the washroom and I noticed two toothbrushes. Actually I saw them last night too but didn't pay much attention because I was tipsy. One is yellow and the other one is...pink. Were there two toothbrushes last time I came here? I don't remember...but if I didn't notice then it must mean that there wasn't! You guys know what that means? Isn't that too obvious? Don't tell me there are people who uses two toothbrushes at the same time. He hates it when people say he's gay so I don't think the pink toothbrush is his'.

He says he never lies...and the reason why he doesn't lie is simply because he has the memory of a goldfish. It should be a good thing that a guy doesn't lie but the thing is, it also means that you can never trust a word he says because he will not remember anything. The fact that he's always drunk doesn't help. If he doesnt remember then, it means it didn't count. Got it? There was a message implied! He was trying to tell me that I should forget everything he told me before.

Here's more...
...and at that point, it got awkward between the long silences.

Renan: When's your birthday?
Me: I told you already, I'm not telling you again.
Renan: I don't remember...when was it again?
Me: April 18th.
Renan: Oh, Aries? A lot of my girlfriends are Aries. **That for sure implies a lot...
Me: (silence)
Renan: Aries are stubborn and hard to deal with. **He had to look at me to make sure I heard it. And you know what? He already said it tons of times that I'm stubborn; at least 3 times. It's like yeah...I understand that you don't want to deal with a stubborn person like me.

Some guys think I like them just because I remember everything they say...but it's also partly because I want to see when they'll lie and betray themselves. And you know what? It's not true that he has a goldfish memory. He actually has a very good memory and he's also very smart. Everything he said was calculated. I hate him.

I think we're both pretty good at anticipating things, and we know what's going on, what's best to do. Why make it so clear...How would that help if he said "Elaine, you're stubborn and you give me so much trouble that I can't endure you anymore". I think he just likes the challenge because he once said that I look like an innocent girl...and now he doesn't need that anymore. When he didn't reply to my text...I knew I was right. It's really over. I can finally sleep in peace. Now, I don't have to endure him anymore!

Being with him felt like riding a wild roller coaster. It's exiting...but the constant ups and downs are making it difficult to breathe. That evening, when he took me to Ste-Adele on his bike, I was behind him watching the sun fall. It felt like we were chasing after the sun. It was like a reward after a long day...but we all know that when the sun goes down, it's when trouble comes in. One day, he makes me happy and the next day, he makes me cry. I never cried so much in my life in such a short period of time. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I need to rest.

Sometimes I think it's my fault. Someone once told me that I have issues...is that true? Did that person just said that because I pissed him off? I don't know...

I'm okay though...
I just had an exam today and did pretty well.
I feel like it already became part of the past.
I forget pretty easily.

Too jaded, I guess. I knew it would end up like this.

PS.: I'm too hot for him anyways, ha.



Just Kidding.

I do have nice shoes but...

Awn! Recover soon, boy!

Bugaboo much?

It's already been months and I don't know how many times I still have to ignore him just so he can understand that I don't want to hang out with him? And it doesn’t matter what I do, how unavailable I make myself, and how rude-as-fuck I am to him in response — he just doesn't give up!

What's so hard to understand?

Welcome back, Elaine!

I missed Elaine so much...

Experience makes you wise but most of the time, wisdom is just misery. As people grow older, the good and bad experiences accumulated become layers. There are so many layers that I, sometimes, don't remember who I were and I hardly recognize myself...too ashamed of my actions maybe? I read some of my previous posts and I'm like "What the fuck was wrong with me? That wasn't Elaine. Why was I sad for that crap? How can I ruin that face with tears"?! Any valid reasons? No and nothing's worth it. Then few days ago, someone "nicely" asked me to do something for him and I brought that person down without feeling bad for one second. In fact, I enjoyed every second of it. I guess I were tired of acting nice to people who are going to use that to step over me. It reminds me that I really am not a kind-hearted girl at all.

It's like...bitch please, Elaine! You know you're just a mean crazy bitch; why are you playing the domesticated housewife, acting all cute and nice? Cut it out, Psh.

I take a look again at the woman in the mirror but this time, I think to myself "Oh shit, look at that! I'm still one hot bitch. Why do I even let them brainfuck me"? I'm not going to let anyone take advantage of me thinking that there's no repercussion. I will peel off the unwanted layers and just become, again, who I was.

So, remember this:
Do not care.
Do not share.
Do not assume.
Do not be naive.
Do not waste time.
Do not think that far.
Do not be too serious.
Do not put your heart into it.
Do not give anything away for free.
...because you ain't getting anything back.

No one messes with me. Just no way.
I'm vain and conceited; exactly the way I like it.

A life...is what you need.

There you go, it's Elaine telling someone to get a life...again! I hate to tell people to get a life because I feel so uncreative when I do so, haha. That dude just awoke the bitch in me. He permits himself to tell me what to do?...no but, BITCH PLEASE!

Some people should stop asking me to remove MY stuff on MY own blog. Actually no one ever asked me to remove stuff in the past, except him because he has a mental problem probably.

So, I get a text this morning "Please remove my pics and parts on your blog! Thank you!". I was like...who the hell that is. And your parts? Excuse me but which parts are your's? It's all MINE. It's not like it concerns him in any ways and I never put up his real name either. I'm almost just telling a story based on real life facts, y'know. Why does he have to bring that up two months later anyways? Obsessed much?!

I normally don't remove anything from my blog; I'm proud of all the shittiest crap I wrote...but you know what? This time I did and the only reason I did is because I pity him; the kind of guy who cries on their pillow if anyone says anything negative about them. Awwn, poor baby. On top of that, I really don't give a crap about that person at all; he's not important enough for me to remember. I'll just pretend I never met him. Psh.

Who? Well, I can't tell you guys who, but you know who...a stalker who has nothing better to do and googles my name while watching porn, obviously. And when he'll read this, he'll text me again to prove me that he doesn't have a life and maybe cry to all his little friends in Brossard, yadda yadda yadda.

No need to tell me that you hate me because too many people do and if you read my blog, then you should know that it's the least of my concerns.

Get a life, young boy.

PS.: You want me to remove your pictures, huh? Now, it's clear that no one knows who you are!

Did you miss me? Not really.

Renan, Renan, Renan.
I talk too much about him.

On Friday, four days after I sent him an e-mail, he got back to me with another e-mail saying "I accept your apology :)". I wrote him a whole paragraph and he replies with only 4 words and a smiley face. So I didn’t even know whether the message was clear enough for him or not…

Then on Saturday, he called. I was like…oh my god, it’s Renan! I was so happy but anxious at the same time. I was just sitting there looking at my phone…without picking up. I was worried about what he wanted to tell me and I was confused as to how I should react. I can't help but wonder if that's just going to be more headaches and dramas in the future. I probably think too much. I really just want to study in peace. Yes, I'm a nerd.

Just somehow I decided to call him back. At times, there were very long silences because I was thinking and trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Finally, he asked me to go see Jonas' show with him in Ste-Adele. I'm very busy and I hesitated but obviously, I still said yes because for the first freaking time, he’s not inviting me to his place…it’s as if he actually understood the message using whatever's between his ears. “Cool, go eat and get ready. I'll come pick you up with my bike in 45 minutes” he said.

When I saw him, it was a bit awkward. He was looking at me from head to toe and he was probably thinking "God, she's so hot" haha, joke. “So, did you miss me?" he asked on our way there. “Not really.” I answered, I just couldn’t say yes. I have that horrible mindset that constantly needs to analyze and predict people. I almost always expect things to get fucked up. It’s so bad that I can’t even say what’s really on my mind. I probably won’t be able to say “Yes Renan, I missed you so bad” without punching him on his arm first. Even those kisses and handholding make me nervous because it's like a test to your acting skills; you have to play your role well but at the same time, you have to resist getting too emotionally into it...because you just don't know if it's an illusion. “Do you realize that you always say the opposite of what’s really on your mind?...but that’s okay. You’re lucky that I understand you so well.” he said.

I’ve been living my independent life for so long that my brain is shaped into a protective shell that always stays on guard. I’m tired of this…but at the same time, I’m so used to put up that front that it became natural; it's a part of me and people know that Elaine is like that. Maybe it’s time I change that…because that’s clearly not what I want to be. I just want to be simple, happy and I hope one day I'll be comfortable enough to be myself around him and not analyze anymore. Slowly, I will.

“Were you all worried finding a way to get me back?” he said to me in the bar. “I know you want to kiss me; I see it in your eyes. C’mon give me a kiss.” he added. Isn’t his cockiness so cute?


I didn't tell him directly but it's true that I feel so lucky!


...but yes, I do remind myself that I don't know him that much at all.
...and yes, maybe he is just good at pretending that he knows me.
...and yes, I need to be careful sometimes.

Memory of smells

These days, I can smell Renan everywhere I go.

Sometimes, as I wake up in the morning, I breathe that smell that brings to mind his kisses on my temple. Other times, as I walk around downtown, I smell that odor that reminds me of his presence. This evening, the smell of oil and gas, as I was walking by a garage, triggered some more memories.

The memories triggered are so vivid yet so hard to get a good grip of...

I think I miss him.

17 days

So, it's only been 17 days that I've known him...

Today, like I said in my previous post, I told him that I don't think I want to see him again. That's not exactly what I wanted to say, I actually only wanted to know if it's all about sex...but I were really pissed so it just came out that way. He didn't look surprised; it looked more like he were expecting it. I guess it's bad news when a girl says "I have something to tell you". He was drunk and angry, without saying a word, he sent me to the door and just left me like that.

I don't know what to say. It's only been 17 days...but that hurts. I don't know why I feel that heart pinching and the tears that have to be held back when it's only been 17 days. I look back at my previous post and I just realized that I made the same mistake again...now I have to regret. And I know what everyone thinks...Elaine is so pretty yet all messed up, huh?

Why do I even cry for him? Maybe because I know I'll never be able to be with anyone as I keep making the same mistakes. When did I become such a coward? I just became so afraid of everything...I really want to be with him but I clearly know I won't be able to handle it if I waited longer because I'd get even more attached. I'm afraid he's using me for sex, I'm afraid I made the wrong decision, I'm afraid that he lied to me, I'm afraid that he'll hurt me and I'm afraid to hurt him too...

...afraid to miss him.

I wrote him an e-mail to let him know why. I don't really expect much from him. Actually I should say that I don't dare to expect anything because I know I'm really hard to deal with and he can just easily find someone who's not going to give him as much trouble. It's like they always say; If you love something, set it free. It will return if it was meant to be. It's cheesy but also very true.

Maybe from the day he took my number, I knew it would end up like this.
I hoped it wouldn't though...
That was 17 days.

I finally understand...

I wanted to ask Renan if he saw a difference in me. Did he see that I was trying to get to know him? And that I was making an effort to keep my mind and heart open? Instead, he asked me if I noticed a difference in him because he shaved his beard...Oh Waw.

I don't think he noticed shit except that I am as sexy as usual...and that his beard is gone.

He told me that he doesn't lie and I actually believed him for a second. I don't know whether he lied or not but I know some guys are players without realizing it.

Finally, I think about all of this with rationality and I start to understand what this is all about...

Why would anyone normal like someone who has so many issues and problems? Why would a guy like a girl who is 10 years younger? Do I even need to tell everyone why? Well, because it's easier to lie to, obviously. He thinks I'm that much more innocent but actually, we're about the same except that I'm smarter. I even told him that he's not that smart. He really has no idea where I'm coming from. If I had to list all the little tricks that he tried to pull on me in the past week; the list would never end. I'm sure his moves still work very well on most girls...but he's stupid enough to use the same ones on me? I'll even give you an example; he touches me a lot because he thinks all girls dig that. But me, I don't like anyone to touch me and it's not because I'm a germaphobe; it's actually just a question of trust.

I said I won't believe anything he tells me, but I actually do in some way because I hope so badly that he didn't lie to me. I didn't relate him to anyone from the past, I didn't hold prejudices against him and I tried to not analyze him anymore...but he didn't see any of that. All he ever sees is his dick and maybe the color of my underwear.

The only times he calls/texts me is when he wants to fuck. Now, I even wonder if he sends the same texts to all the girls in his phonebook and the first one who replies is the one he's going to have sex with tonight. That wouldn't surprise me at all.

He always sounds so sweet when he talks to me. There's absolutely no hesitation in the words he says...as if he were actually so certain about it. The truth is probably that he were reciting a poem that he practiced tons of times with other girls. A blank sheet, eh? Where the hell he got that from anyways. Why would he say those things when he barely knew me? To get in my pants and under my skirt maybe? Oh and you know what? He calls me sexykins and honey buns because he can't remember all the girls' name!

I was walking by a cupcake store the other day and I was wondering if I should get him some because I know he loves cupcakes. I also thought about getting him a red lava lamp because he said he needed one in his living room. But then it's like...why are you doing this, Elaine. What for? To make him happy? I've only been seeing that guy for a week and it makes me cry everytime I think about how he only wants to screw me over...I don't understand why he'd want to do this to me. It's like...why do I even have to take this crap? How is this worth it? Why do I cry about this? That's when I know I have to give up because I can't afford this.

He says that experience makes you wise. I wonder how true that is.

I'd rather never love again than to love the wrong one.

Worst shoot ever

I don't usually talk about work on my blog but I got to rant about this because I just had the worst shoot EVER!

This is probably the most unprofessional photographer I ever encountered. He totally acted like a cranky baby for no reason. Some people need to get real and stop expecting people to read their mind as if I'm their mom. If he were so dissatisfied, he could have acted like an adult and told me politely.

And you know what? I got there on time, I were attentive to his directions and I did my job like I usually would and everyone I worked with always LOVED me and some even booked me again. So if there's a problem somewhere...it's probably his'.

*Maybe because I didn't accept to have lunch with him?

*Maybe because I didn't accept to do explicit nudes? That wouldn't surprise me. That's called a how-far-will-she-go shoot because he should've told me in advance if he wanted to do explicit nudes.

*Maybe because I didn't give too much details when answering the personal question he asked?

*Maybe because I were absentminded during my break time? It was a break, so I could be talking on my phone or even sleeping if I wanted to. That's what a break is.

*Maybe because I didn't accept his wine? By the way, no one ever offers alcohol to a model during a shoot or it will be taken as a red flag for potential danger.

*Maybe because I was there to do my job and not there to be his friend?!

Pardon my french but...NIGGA PLEASE!

I didn't even bother talking to him after the shoot, I just walked out with the cash and I freakin deserve my money, not only because I did my job but also because he ruined my Canada Day!!