Renan, Renan, Renan.
I talk too much about him.
On Friday, four days after I sent him an e-mail, he got back to me with another e-mail saying "I accept your apology :)". I wrote him a whole paragraph and he replies with only 4 words and a smiley face. So I didn’t even know whether the message was clear enough for him or not…
Then on Saturday, he called. I was like…oh my god, it’s Renan! I was so happy but anxious at the same time. I was just sitting there looking at my phone…without picking up. I was worried about what he wanted to tell me and I was confused as to how I should react. I can't help but wonder if that's just going to be more headaches and dramas in the future. I probably think too much. I really just want to study in peace. Yes, I'm a nerd.
Just somehow I decided to call him back. At times, there were very long silences because I was thinking and trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Finally, he asked me to go see Jonas' show with him in Ste-Adele. I'm very busy and I hesitated but obviously, I still said yes because for the first freaking time, he’s not inviting me to his place…it’s as if he actually understood the message using whatever's between his ears. “Cool, go eat and get ready. I'll come pick you up with my bike in 45 minutes” he said.
When I saw him, it was a bit awkward. He was looking at me from head to toe and he was probably thinking "God, she's so hot" haha, joke. “So, did you miss me?" he asked on our way there. “Not really.” I answered, I just couldn’t say yes. I have that horrible mindset that constantly needs to analyze and predict people. I almost always expect things to get fucked up. It’s so bad that I can’t even say what’s really on my mind. I probably won’t be able to say “Yes Renan, I missed you so bad” without punching him on his arm first. Even those kisses and handholding make me nervous because it's like a test to your acting skills; you have to play your role well but at the same time, you have to resist getting too emotionally into it...because you just don't know if it's an illusion. “Do you realize that you always say the opposite of what’s really on your mind?...but that’s okay. You’re lucky that I understand you so well.” he said.
I’ve been living my independent life for so long that my brain is shaped into a protective shell that always stays on guard. I’m tired of this…but at the same time, I’m so used to put up that front that it became natural; it's a part of me and people know that Elaine is like that. Maybe it’s time I change that…because that’s clearly not what I want to be. I just want to be simple, happy and I hope one day I'll be comfortable enough to be myself around him and not analyze anymore. Slowly, I will.
“Were you all worried finding a way to get me back?” he said to me in the bar. “I know you want to kiss me; I see it in your eyes. C’mon give me a kiss.” he added. Isn’t his cockiness so cute?
I didn't tell him directly but it's true that I feel so lucky!
...but yes, I do remind myself that I don't know him that much at all.
...and yes, maybe he is just good at pretending that he knows me.
...and yes, I need to be careful sometimes.
I talk too much about him.
On Friday, four days after I sent him an e-mail, he got back to me with another e-mail saying "I accept your apology :)". I wrote him a whole paragraph and he replies with only 4 words and a smiley face. So I didn’t even know whether the message was clear enough for him or not…
Then on Saturday, he called. I was like…oh my god, it’s Renan! I was so happy but anxious at the same time. I was just sitting there looking at my phone…without picking up. I was worried about what he wanted to tell me and I was confused as to how I should react. I can't help but wonder if that's just going to be more headaches and dramas in the future. I probably think too much. I really just want to study in peace. Yes, I'm a nerd.
Just somehow I decided to call him back. At times, there were very long silences because I was thinking and trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Finally, he asked me to go see Jonas' show with him in Ste-Adele. I'm very busy and I hesitated but obviously, I still said yes because for the first freaking time, he’s not inviting me to his place…it’s as if he actually understood the message using whatever's between his ears. “Cool, go eat and get ready. I'll come pick you up with my bike in 45 minutes” he said.
When I saw him, it was a bit awkward. He was looking at me from head to toe and he was probably thinking "God, she's so hot" haha, joke. “So, did you miss me?" he asked on our way there. “Not really.” I answered, I just couldn’t say yes. I have that horrible mindset that constantly needs to analyze and predict people. I almost always expect things to get fucked up. It’s so bad that I can’t even say what’s really on my mind. I probably won’t be able to say “Yes Renan, I missed you so bad” without punching him on his arm first. Even those kisses and handholding make me nervous because it's like a test to your acting skills; you have to play your role well but at the same time, you have to resist getting too emotionally into it...because you just don't know if it's an illusion. “Do you realize that you always say the opposite of what’s really on your mind?...but that’s okay. You’re lucky that I understand you so well.” he said.
I’ve been living my independent life for so long that my brain is shaped into a protective shell that always stays on guard. I’m tired of this…but at the same time, I’m so used to put up that front that it became natural; it's a part of me and people know that Elaine is like that. Maybe it’s time I change that…because that’s clearly not what I want to be. I just want to be simple, happy and I hope one day I'll be comfortable enough to be myself around him and not analyze anymore. Slowly, I will.
“Were you all worried finding a way to get me back?” he said to me in the bar. “I know you want to kiss me; I see it in your eyes. C’mon give me a kiss.” he added. Isn’t his cockiness so cute?
I didn't tell him directly but it's true that I feel so lucky!
...but yes, I do remind myself that I don't know him that much at all.
...and yes, maybe he is just good at pretending that he knows me.
...and yes, I need to be careful sometimes.