I really don't know if it's me the problem or him.
Was there one day I was 100% happy to be with him? Was there one moment I were myself and stopped analyzing him and actually enjoyed his company? Not really. And I know I'm not the only source of the problem, I wanted to keep it simple but...he makes me feel like I have to protect myself.
I remember when I was little, I rarely cried compared to other kids but these few months, I cry to everything. I can't stop. So traumatized and scared that someone wants to screw me over. He saw me cry and he catches me when I lie. Whether he is using this to tool me around? I still don't know. It's so much pressure trying to be open and at the same time, to be careful not to fall in a trap. Sometimes, I don't even want to listen to the same radio station as he does because I don't want to get attached to him. I wanted to end this but... I didn't want to miss out on anything there might be and I don't want to hide all my life. Maybe there's something about him?
...but here's what happened the other day.
So I saw Renan in the afternoon at my closed-circuit exam:
Renan: Hey, wanna come over after?
Me: Yeah okay...
Renan: I finish soon, want to wait?
Me: No, I want to go home to take a shower first...
Renan: Okay, call me when you get home.
I get home. I take a shower. I call him and he doesn't pick up.
I call him an hour later and he still doesn't pick up.
I send him a text and replies back saying that we'll meet at 8PM.
At 8PM, he texts to tell me that it will be at 9PM finally.
At 9PM, he calls me and asks if I'm ready and that I might have to wait until 10PM because he got caught up with Jonas, his new best friend. I was like...okay? Whether that's true or not, he's the only one who knows. I thought about it and I decided that if he’s that busy hanging out at the pool with his friend then I’ll just stay home to study instead. So he calls and goes “What the fuck! We had plans, you don't just cancel on me like that! You're so indecisive...You want to see me or not”?...yadda-yadda-yadda. Seriously, he pissed me off. It's always his-way-or-no-way. And what plan? That ain't no plan; it was just what I call a last minute bouche-trou plan. And even if there was a plan, then we were supposed to meet at 8, not 9, 10 or 11. I got more productive things to do than fucking him. JESUS CHRIST!
...Okay, Elaine, relax you there. Don't start a fight. Just smile when you see him and if he says you look good, like he usually would, then just say thank you. That's it. Don't get mad. Don't.
When we got to his place, he asked me if I wanted mango juice or cranberry juice with my vodka. So, I told him that it doesn't matter which. "Don't you have an opinion? Have an opinion sometimes!" he said. What the fuck! Are you fucking serious? Just because I don't care if it's cranberry or mango means that I don't have an opinion? So does it mean that just because I don't care what color are your underwear means I don't have an opinion as well? Maybe I'm just easy going? But if you want my opinion so bad then my opinion is that...you're gay.
..okay relax, Elaine...relax. *breathe*
Now I kind of notice that we never really talk about anything.
...except lies.
Anyways.
Then he started telling me how he figured me out the first day he saw me. Obviously, he's just saying that so I can go "Awww, my Renan! You know me soooo well! What would I do without you". Pshh. Actions speak louder than words; He really doesn't know a thing.
Me: You're just saying that because I'm pretty.
Renan: You're really shallow if you think I talk to you because you're pretty **I'm not shallow, I'm just realistic.
He's the one who always makes comments on how good I look, how sexy I am, how amazing my ass is and so on...and now he tells me that it's not because I'm pretty? The first time we "hung out" outside of class, he already wanted to fuck me. Fucking liar.
Renan: You like horror movies?
Me: I love horror movies!
Renan: Let’s watch that movie; the darkness. It’s one of my favorite.
Me: Ok.
Renan: Actually, you want to have sex instead of watching the movie? **NIGGA PLEASE!
The morning after was worst. I went to the washroom and I noticed two toothbrushes. Actually I saw them last night too but didn't pay much attention because I was tipsy. One is yellow and the other one is...pink. Were there two toothbrushes last time I came here? I don't remember...but if I didn't notice then it must mean that there wasn't! You guys know what that means? Isn't that too obvious? Don't tell me there are people who uses two toothbrushes at the same time. He hates it when people say he's gay so I don't think the pink toothbrush is his'.
He says he never lies...and the reason why he doesn't lie is simply because he has the memory of a goldfish. It should be a good thing that a guy doesn't lie but the thing is, it also means that you can never trust a word he says because he will not remember anything. The fact that he's always drunk doesn't help. If he doesnt remember then, it means it didn't count. Got it? There was a message implied! He was trying to tell me that I should forget everything he told me before.
Here's more...
...and at that point, it got awkward between the long silences.
Renan: When's your birthday?
Me: I told you already, I'm not telling you again.
Renan: I don't remember...when was it again?
Me: April 18th.
Renan: Oh, Aries? A lot of my girlfriends are Aries. **That for sure implies a lot...
Me: (silence)
Renan: Aries are stubborn and hard to deal with. **He had to look at me to make sure I heard it. And you know what? He already said it tons of times that I'm stubborn; at least 3 times. It's like yeah...I understand that you don't want to deal with a stubborn person like me.
Some guys think I like them just because I remember everything they say...but it's also partly because I want to see when they'll lie and betray themselves. And you know what? It's not true that he has a goldfish memory. He actually has a very good memory and he's also very smart. Everything he said was calculated. I hate him.
I think we're both pretty good at anticipating things, and we know what's going on, what's best to do. Why make it so clear...How would that help if he said "Elaine, you're stubborn and you give me so much trouble that I can't endure you anymore". I think he just likes the challenge because he once said that I look like an innocent girl...and now he doesn't need that anymore. When he didn't reply to my text...I knew I was right. It's really over. I can finally sleep in peace. Now, I don't have to endure him anymore!
Being with him felt like riding a wild roller coaster. It's exiting...but the constant ups and downs are making it difficult to breathe. That evening, when he took me to Ste-Adele on his bike, I was behind him watching the sun fall. It felt like we were chasing after the sun. It was like a reward after a long day...but we all know that when the sun goes down, it's when trouble comes in. One day, he makes me happy and the next day, he makes me cry. I never cried so much in my life in such a short period of time. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I need to rest.
Sometimes I think it's my fault. Someone once told me that I have issues...is that true? Did that person just said that because I pissed him off? I don't know...
I'm okay though...
I just had an exam today and did pretty well.
I feel like it already became part of the past.
I forget pretty easily.
Too jaded, I guess. I knew it would end up like this.
PS.: I'm too hot for him anyways, ha.
Just Kidding.