Listen to the Musn'ts

Listen to the Musn'ts child, 
Listen to the Don'ts. 
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, 
the Impossibles, the Won'ts. 
Listen to the Never Haves, 
then Listen close to me-
ANYthing can happen, child, 
ANYthing can Be.

Mind

"I've never seen a person like you, someone who laughs so hard, but cries so much at the same time. When you're happy, you're really happy. When you're sad, you're really sad. And when you're mad, you're really fucking mad."

...said someone I used to know.

I used to feel like an hurricane that tore everything apart. Every grain of emotion seemed exponentially magnified and consumed my thoughts. In other words, I was an emotional mess.

But one day, I learned something about my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool one has, and learning to control the dominant and recurring thoughts can turn illusions into reality, because every external effect has an inner cause. Unfortunately, most people have it backwards, thinking they feel a certain way because of circumstances when in fact, our lives are driven by our collective thoughts and beliefs.

Everything in life can accurately reveal your thoughts and beliefs. You think your job, relationships, finances and education are too superficial? Think again.

...and so, I started experimenting and gave myself this power. Somehow, I willed myself to make something of myself and trick people into thinking I'm a respectable person...and I stopped crying.

Nowadays, life feels so alien. I'm so detached from emotions that I can will my mind to think anything and I can be anybody. I'm not a robot though, I do have emotions, I'm very aware of them and I can confidently say I understand them more than anybody can understand theirs, but I only observe from a distance. I don't actually feel those emotions, if that makes sense...I feel it's more of a scientific experiment. Sometimes, I don't quite know who I am.

Am I sad? Do I care? Does it even matter? I just feel life is such an illusion, and maybe it's better that way.

Less whole

It's scary to realize that you've become a certain way...but somehow I've managed to conclude that it's okay to stop believing. I have a hard time seeing things clearly, and maybe that's because I deep down know the answer already, but I choose to be blind about it. It's hard to accept but the tides of fate and time keep pulling me into separate directions, and I’m struggling desperately to be who I want to be, and be who I should be, but I'm slightly defeated and weathered by age. Maybe it’s simply that I’m less emotional; less trusting; less whole. Maybe simply, because I'm afraid. I'm slowly accepting things I never wanted to accept. Life is fickle and people change. There were things that once upon a time made sense...

Nothing

Freedom is great but leaves your hands grasping emptiness. Whiskey is sweet but devours every inch of your being.That burn left on my skin is never quite satisfying. Heartlessness is a treacherous slope sliding backwards, but heartache is another word for "going ahead".

The weight of those carefully calculated words and actions telling you that nothing means nothing are burning, spinning and imploding inside me. You pretend they mean nothing, but that makes you an easier prey when loneliness descends like a moth fluttering in the hollows.

How many times can someone play these self-damaging games until they become nothing themselves. Life means nothing, emotions mean nothing and we are all becoming nothing but mere beings driven by immediate ego boost and satisfaction, and nothing really matters anymore.