The colour of the grass

We live in a world where we passively wait to be impressed, we wait to be carried away, we wait for something to happen. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, and some people spend their lives looking for greener landscape. It's not until you get to the other side that you realize that the color of the grass never mattered. It was inside our mind all along.

I'm writing this because I think I've been self-absorbed and transactional for so long. I never had any interest in people nor do I care about sharing experiences. I want to do something different this time and start showing some interest, because people's most interesting side come out when we become interested. People start to blossom when we show curiosity and ask the right questions, but it always starts with us and our mindset.

It makes me think of people browsing mindlessly for hours on netflix and think nothing is interesting just by looking at the title and a few line of description...when really, the way to enjoy a movie is to, very simply, watch a movie.

Michael

I met Michael five year ago in Africa.

There was something that drawn me to him...his curiosity, his contagious smile and his perspectives.

One time, late at night, I caught him writing a e-mail to his folks back home. I read it over his shoulders. He had interesting ways to describe things that I found mundane or have gotten used to, which I loved about him. He was always making the best out of life and was very appreciative of the very simple things.

On a long bus ride when he was asleep, I went through his phone out of curiosity. He had a list of things he wanted to accomplish and skills he wanted to acquire, such as purchasing a home, learning to sail, becoming chartered and finding a good girl. He purchased a home shortly after going back home. As for finding a good girl, he's never been in love and he refused to settle for less. "You're the nicest guy I have ever met" I said to him. "I'm just a very normal guy" he answered, which I still find unbelievable.

His knee was deformed and he had many surgeries. His doctor warned him that he could not do any high impact sports anymore. Three weeks later, he was running on the beach. He went on to climb the rooftop of Africa, Kilimanjaro, and continued to pursue his dreams. He was unstoppable.

He is actually the one who inspired me to love mountains and to embrace nature. He made me want to live my life differently. I remember he enjoyed walking with naked feet...he never forgets the earth, and the earth would certainly never forget him.

We enjoyed crazy boat rides that made me vomit the life out of me, we slept at the bottom of Kilimanjaro, we went game driving, sunset watching and many late night talks under the milky way...he made my trip to Africa unforgettable. I remember how he hated it when I gave him orders, which now makes me laugh...and cry.
 
On November 15th, Michael died in the Himalayas after a falling rock severed his climbing ropes as he descended a peak near Mount Everest.

I really miss him. He had a tattoo on his right arm that read "One life". I hate tattoos, but on him, it was perfect. Nobody could have wore that tattoo better than him. 

I'm getting a dog

So, I've made a big-ish decision. I'm getting a dog. I feel I'm ready for this, and I think I need it. For some years, I've been spending my energy at the wrong places and I think getting a dog will keep me more sane. I want to spend less time working, and I want to rediscover, relearn so many things that I've lost. I think getting a dog could be the answer. I think I could do this for another living being.

I'm getting a red male miniature poodle, and let me explain. I used to love big dogs, especially the sled dogs such as huskies or malamutes, and I still love them. So why did I settle for a miniature poodle? I know these days, you can get mixes of huskies with smaller breeds, such as the pomsky, which could be awesome for someone who lives in a condo but who enjoys an active lifestyle. However, I decided that a smarter breed is a very important criteria for me at this time.

Why the miniature poodle?

+They aren't just beauties without a brain, they are the second smartest breed of dog, which will make them very easy to train

+They aren't "sissy" dogs like many people think they are. They are very athletic, they excel in obedience and agility competitions, and they are so gracious and elegant.

+They are the most active size of poodle, but they can also be calm, which suits me perfectly because I do have a job that requires me to sit all day long, but I love being outdoors on the weekend.

+They don't shed, which awesome, because everybody who's been to my place will probably know that I'm a neat-freak.

+They are small enough to carry around, meaning it would be more convenient for me to bring them to more places.

+They are so damn adorkable!

I did my research and found a reputable breeder, the waiting time is 6 months. It is very important to me that I get a healthy purebred puppy, and I'm the 10th person on the waiting list. In a way, I think if I were a dog, I would be a poodle. I know, what people say. Why don't you adopt? So many dogs need a home. Well...do you get mad if people don't drive an electric car? So yeah...

I'm officially pregnant.

We always hope

I went into this knowing my chest will ache a little more, but what have I not seen?

Sometimes, I think I know him...but other times, he really isn't all of that. Everytime I think we're getting closer, I realize I'm stuck one step behind. I'm strong and can handle anything, I tell myself. These past few months, I tried my best to be myself.

It's always a circle of us coming, staying and going our opposite ways...and I always come back, and I'm taken for granted. These past few days have been especially hard. Pretending is so hard. Reminding myself that we're just each other's stop-gap is hard. There is so much I want to say but there is no place for that...

The euphoria lasts for a while but the emptiness of knowing is worst. You would think I should know better by now, but maybe this is the fairytale...we always hope.

And maybe this time, it's time to walk.

Some words can be forgiven but never forgotten. The truth does hurt sometimes, but who can I blame. So many years of healing and trying to piece yourself back together, so many lies told to project the image of a good person...why am going back now. These feelings of shame and worthlessness come back from time to time. These habits of trying to please. Somedays I'm hurt, somedays I'm unfazed and dissociated..

Averted vision

I suspect there is something inherently misguided and self-defeating and hopeless about any deliberate campaign to achieve happiness. Perhaps the reason we so often experience happiness only in hindsight, and that chasing it is such a fool’s errand, is that happiness isn’t a goal in itself but is only an aftereffect. It’s the consequence of having lived in the way that we’re supposed to — by which I don’t mean ethically correctly so much as just consciously, fully engaged in the business of living. In this respect it resembles averted vision, a phenomena familiar to backyard astronomers whereby, in order to pick out a very faint star, you have to let your gaze drift casually to the space just next to it; if you look directly at it, it vanishes. And it’s also true, come to think of it, that the only stars we ever see are not the “real” stars, those cataclysms taking place in the present, but always only the light of the untouchable past. 

-Tim Kreider

Bicycle

This is something I've started writing some years ago but never finished, never knew what I wanted to say, or what conclusion I was hoping to get to. 

Victoria Falls is located in Zimbabwe and it's one of the first cities I've set foot in in Africa. It was a time of the year when it was dry and hot. Everything was new, strange and dusty. I jumped off a bridge the day before and I canoed down a river with hippos....but I wasn't living the moment. I was preoccupied with thoughts of someone and torturing myself with insane hypothesis.

I remember every detail from the scent to the song that was playing on a loop. You're pulled by joy and hope in one moment, and despair the next, flying in circles, chasing pavements that leads nowhere. Regardless of the number of things and people stealing your attention away, for a second to months, you always come back to it sooner, or later.

One day, I was doing some shopping in a local market in Victoria Falls. I have a thing for items made of recycled material, and saw something I instantly fell in love with. I asked the shopkeeper if I can have a box, so he made one on the spot for me. I carried it everywhere, to Malawi, Tanzania, Kenya, Switzerland and hopefully someday, home. Somehow, coming back home doesn't feel the same.

We like to think our lives are linear. That everything you do accumulates into a better decision-making process that will get you the person you’ve really wanted all along. But what if it doesn't? It will always be my biggest what-if and the biggest fork in the road I've left behind.  You think of settling but is this the end? It's one of those things you always long for but never put any work into achieving it, and one of those things you'll never be ready for...

All of these thoughts are like a vicious cycle that only keeps growing, you keep missing moments that you should be enjoying now, which you will probably realize in the future and wonder what if again. Today, I still don't know what I want to conclude, answers still lacking, but I thought I would finally post this, because I've come to term with this...I was eating with my friend and he said something along the line that he has the feeling I'll meet him again, to which I said...there were already plenty of opportunities for us to reconnect but I've decided to let them go.

you don't want to know
that I'm human
that I ache when I laugh

and who cares
I'm nothing but trash
collecting yesterday

falling for darkness
who knew it would be so
addicting

and I know it will wither me
and one day I will go crazy
left high and blank

when that day finally comes

I will quit my addiction
but for now let me be

Yesterday

Life is too hard and I terribly miss yesterday.

Listen to the Musn'ts

Listen to the Musn'ts child, 
Listen to the Don'ts. 
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, 
the Impossibles, the Won'ts. 
Listen to the Never Haves, 
then Listen close to me-
ANYthing can happen, child, 
ANYthing can Be.

Mind

"I've never seen a person like you, someone who laughs so hard, but cries so much at the same time. When you're happy, you're really happy. When you're sad, you're really sad. And when you're mad, you're really fucking mad."

...said someone I used to know.

I used to feel like an hurricane that tore everything apart. Every grain of emotion seemed exponentially magnified and consumed my thoughts. In other words, I was an emotional mess.

But one day, I learned something about my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool one has, and learning to control the dominant and recurring thoughts can turn illusions into reality, because every external effect has an inner cause. Unfortunately, most people have it backwards, thinking they feel a certain way because of circumstances when in fact, our lives are driven by our collective thoughts and beliefs.

Everything in life can accurately reveal your thoughts and beliefs. You think your job, relationships, finances and education are too superficial? Think again.

...and so, I started experimenting and gave myself this power. Somehow, I willed myself to make something of myself and trick people into thinking I'm a respectable person...and I stopped crying.

Nowadays, life feels so alien. I'm so detached from emotions that I can will my mind to think anything and I can be anybody. I'm not a robot though, I do have emotions, I'm very aware of them and I can confidently say I understand them more than anybody can understand theirs, but I only observe from a distance. I don't actually feel those emotions, if that makes sense...I feel it's more of a scientific experiment. Sometimes, I don't quite know who I am.

Am I sad? Do I care? Does it even matter? I just feel life is such an illusion, and maybe it's better that way.

Less whole

It's scary to realize that you've become a certain way...but somehow I've managed to conclude that it's okay to stop believing. I have a hard time seeing things clearly, and maybe that's because I deep down know the answer already, but I choose to be blind about it. It's hard to accept but the tides of fate and time keep pulling me into separate directions, and I’m struggling desperately to be who I want to be, and be who I should be, but I'm slightly defeated and weathered by age. Maybe it’s simply that I’m less emotional; less trusting; less whole. Maybe simply, because I'm afraid. I'm slowly accepting things I never wanted to accept. Life is fickle and people change. There were things that once upon a time made sense...

Nothing

Freedom is great but leaves your hands grasping emptiness. Whiskey is sweet but devours every inch of your being.That burn left on my skin is never quite satisfying. Heartlessness is a treacherous slope sliding backwards, but heartache is another word for "going ahead".

The weight of those carefully calculated words and actions telling you that nothing means nothing are burning, spinning and imploding inside me. You pretend they mean nothing, but that makes you an easier prey when loneliness descends like a moth fluttering in the hollows.

How many times can someone play these self-damaging games until they become nothing themselves. Life means nothing, emotions mean nothing and we are all becoming nothing but mere beings driven by immediate ego boost and satisfaction, and nothing really matters anymore.