We always hope

I went into this knowing my chest will ache a little more, but what have I not seen?

Sometimes, I think I know him...but other times, he really isn't all of that. Everytime I think we're getting closer, I realize I'm stuck one step behind. I'm strong and can handle anything, I tell myself. These past few months, I tried my best to be myself.

It's always a circle of us coming, staying and going our opposite ways...and I always come back, and I'm taken for granted. These past few days have been especially hard. Pretending is so hard. Reminding myself that we're just each other's stop-gap is hard. There is so much I want to say but there is no place for that...

The euphoria lasts for a while but the emptiness of knowing is worst. You would think I should know better by now, but maybe this is the fairytale...we always hope.

And maybe this time, it's time to walk.

Some words can be forgiven but never forgotten. The truth does hurt sometimes, but who can I blame. So many years of healing and trying to piece yourself back together, so many lies told to project the image of a good person...why am going back now. These feelings of shame and worthlessness come back from time to time. These habits of trying to please. Somedays I'm hurt, somedays I'm unfazed and dissociated..