我要飛走 我要自由 我要用最溫柔的復仇
讓你一無所有 讓你在說我的時候
很有理 卻會心痛
我要飛走 我要自由 我要用最溫柔的刑求
讓你一無所有 讓你在說謊的時候
想到我 會很心痛
Disappointed, but not sad...
Monday 26 December 2011
I must say that I'm not sad anymore. I wrote everything down and sent them away. I see things very clear. I rank my family first, my career second and I still have both. Everything else comes and goes. Being in someone's arms is great, but I've always cherished my solitude as well. I'm just still very disappointed.
Christmas tree
Saturday 24 December 2011
I really don't care about Christmas, but I just want to say that my Christmas tree is the prettiest in the world and I've had it for over 10 years :)
Unsent letters: Day 6
It's new year soon. 2011 was a good year to me. I fell in love in 2011; it's something that I didn't think would be possible, but you're not here anymore. I must say that I'm more disappointed than sad, because I don't understand why. Why do we have to subside our emotions? It makes no sense to me...because it's the rarest thing in the world to find someone you feel something for and that it's mutual...
I remember that one time when you were sleeping next to me, holding onto my arms. I told myself, at that point, that I cannot hurt you anymore; I need to learn to believe you...but I was also afraid that you would take us for granted. I have my own insecurities too, and I'm not as strong as I appear. We all have our own issues to work on.
I originally wanted to give you these letters when I'll see you again, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? Maybe I won't be here anymore, and maybe you won't be here either. I don't want to regret.
I wish I could kiss you at midnight on New Years, there are so many things we haven't done yet. Happy New Year, Jonathan, let's be better versions of ourselves, let's make resolutions. I wish all your dreams come true.
I won't write to you anymore, you don't have to respond either. These letters are just some last words and silly hopes. I will see you at 3:45 on April 3rd. I will try to not be hungover this time. Please don't forget me. It isn't over for me.
I remember that one time when you were sleeping next to me, holding onto my arms. I told myself, at that point, that I cannot hurt you anymore; I need to learn to believe you...but I was also afraid that you would take us for granted. I have my own insecurities too, and I'm not as strong as I appear. We all have our own issues to work on.
I originally wanted to give you these letters when I'll see you again, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? Maybe I won't be here anymore, and maybe you won't be here either. I don't want to regret.
I wish I could kiss you at midnight on New Years, there are so many things we haven't done yet. Happy New Year, Jonathan, let's be better versions of ourselves, let's make resolutions. I wish all your dreams come true.
I won't write to you anymore, you don't have to respond either. These letters are just some last words and silly hopes. I will see you at 3:45 on April 3rd. I will try to not be hungover this time. Please don't forget me. It isn't over for me.
2012
1. I will not date anybody from a broken home or without at least an undergraduate degree is either law, business, engineering or medicine.
2. I will stop buying clothes and shoes that I don't need.
3. I will start exercising and keep my weight below 125 lbs.
4. I will go to Europe.
5. I will earn my designation.
2. I will stop buying clothes and shoes that I don't need.
3. I will start exercising and keep my weight below 125 lbs.
4. I will go to Europe.
5. I will earn my designation.
Unsent letters: Day 5
Friday 23 December 2011
I miss you so much, I feel I can never tell you enough how much I miss you. It hurts me so bad, Jonathan, what should I do?
I've been thinking about us. I remember how you asked me to be your girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon when we were lying on your bed. I remember when we shared a Crunchie on Mont-Royal and you asked me to come to your place, which I refused. I saw you cry watching a movie, you scared me when I was in the shower, I bathed you at my place...I remember how you harassed me with your penis in your kitchen. I remember how old people would look at us with a smile on their face. But I also remember that we had a lot of misunderstandings...what if we talked to each other more? Sometimes, I feel we don't to each other enough about our emotions...
I've been thinking about us. I remember how you asked me to be your girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon when we were lying on your bed. I remember when we shared a Crunchie on Mont-Royal and you asked me to come to your place, which I refused. I saw you cry watching a movie, you scared me when I was in the shower, I bathed you at my place...I remember how you harassed me with your penis in your kitchen. I remember how old people would look at us with a smile on their face. But I also remember that we had a lot of misunderstandings...what if we talked to each other more? Sometimes, I feel we don't to each other enough about our emotions...
Unsent letters: Day 3
Wednesday 21 December 2011
...
Other times, I think it might has to do with the fact that your parents divorced when you were younger, which now serves as a relationship template. It can be very subconscious. I'm sure you're aware of what's good for you, but what you're attracted to is different. Have you ever thought about the reason why you tend to let go of women who are good to you? I'm not talking about myself, but those that came before. As problems arise, giving up is the best option to you. You're pessimistic about improving a relationship. You have an excuse to not work things out.
I could be wrong, but I was just hoping to look at us from different perspective, to gain a better understanding and to solve problems, but is this too late? I used to think that we'll always have a tomorrow to make things right. I was scared of pointing problems out because I know you're tired, Jonathan, but what if we persisted?
I thought about breaking up with you too because I realize that we have a discrepancy in our values and beliefs. You're someone who doesn't hold strong beliefs of their own. You're easily influenceable, you need a lot of external support. You're a dreamer; hoping to make a difference, but your comfort comes first. I remember you told me that you were the kind of person who would sit by a tree and slowly enjoy the taste of a grapefruit.
I tell myself that I need to be with someone who's more like myself, but who's perfect until you fall in love with them? When you love someone, there are no problems that are that much of an importance. There isn't such thing as fair or unfair; it is simply worth it. Love is a feeling, but most importantly, it is an ability. Everyone can feel, but a mere feeling isn't enough, Jonathan, and that ability could be a lifelong learning process.
Other times, I think it might has to do with the fact that your parents divorced when you were younger, which now serves as a relationship template. It can be very subconscious. I'm sure you're aware of what's good for you, but what you're attracted to is different. Have you ever thought about the reason why you tend to let go of women who are good to you? I'm not talking about myself, but those that came before. As problems arise, giving up is the best option to you. You're pessimistic about improving a relationship. You have an excuse to not work things out.
I could be wrong, but I was just hoping to look at us from different perspective, to gain a better understanding and to solve problems, but is this too late? I used to think that we'll always have a tomorrow to make things right. I was scared of pointing problems out because I know you're tired, Jonathan, but what if we persisted?
I thought about breaking up with you too because I realize that we have a discrepancy in our values and beliefs. You're someone who doesn't hold strong beliefs of their own. You're easily influenceable, you need a lot of external support. You're a dreamer; hoping to make a difference, but your comfort comes first. I remember you told me that you were the kind of person who would sit by a tree and slowly enjoy the taste of a grapefruit.
I tell myself that I need to be with someone who's more like myself, but who's perfect until you fall in love with them? When you love someone, there are no problems that are that much of an importance. There isn't such thing as fair or unfair; it is simply worth it. Love is a feeling, but most importantly, it is an ability. Everyone can feel, but a mere feeling isn't enough, Jonathan, and that ability could be a lifelong learning process.
Unsent letters: Day 2 (Part 2)
Tuesday 20 December 2011
I'm afraid I'm giving you too much pressure. I know I shouldn't wait for you. I shouldn't wait for that day. You wouldn't be happy if you knew that. I said I didn't cry today, but I'm crying as I'm writing this.
Do you remember when I asked you why do you never buy me flower? Or write me letters? You said have to save it for a day when you'll fuck up. I cried after hearing that because I knew there wouldn't be such a day for two reasons. I would never leave you and if I did, you would not come after me like you used to. In fact, you let go of me several times already.
Sometimes, being loved by someone can be a weight on our shoulders. Maybe that's why you told me last night that it was unfair to me. I don't want to be a baggage to you, Jonathan...but what can I do? I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Do you remember when I asked you why do you never buy me flower? Or write me letters? You said have to save it for a day when you'll fuck up. I cried after hearing that because I knew there wouldn't be such a day for two reasons. I would never leave you and if I did, you would not come after me like you used to. In fact, you let go of me several times already.
Sometimes, being loved by someone can be a weight on our shoulders. Maybe that's why you told me last night that it was unfair to me. I don't want to be a baggage to you, Jonathan...but what can I do? I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Unsent letters: Day 2
Jonathan,
Today is the second day after our break-up and the first day I don't hear your voice. I was thinking about the things you told me when we first met. You asked me if I were with you just for the ride. You said you saw us together forever only after the first week we met...it hurts me thinking about it. It makes me think that maybe you didn't know what you were talking about, maybe you didn't realize the impact of those words, you change too fast and too easily, maybe you are overly confident. I don't want to blame you because you actually did a lot for me, more than anybody.
Last night, I wanted to tell you one last time that I love you, but you hung up too early. Today, I didn't cry; I feel very calm and hopeful. I don't feel like I lost you; I can still feel your presence here with me. Am I being delusional? Because I do hope to start over with you. If that day comes, I promise I will be more honest with you, trust you more and have faith in you. I hope that we'll continue to learn from each other and overcome our shortcomings together.
I didn't want to break up with you because I believe that all it really takes is one reason from the heart to validate our actions, no matter how illogical and irational that reason might be. However, I also believe that if we were meant to be, even if it's not now, someday we will meet again.
I'm worried and excited. I worry that you will forget me, that you will forget our promise, that you will no longer care about me...but I'm also excited to see what surprises the future might bring. Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. I have faith in us.
I love you, Jonathan.
Today is the second day after our break-up and the first day I don't hear your voice. I was thinking about the things you told me when we first met. You asked me if I were with you just for the ride. You said you saw us together forever only after the first week we met...it hurts me thinking about it. It makes me think that maybe you didn't know what you were talking about, maybe you didn't realize the impact of those words, you change too fast and too easily, maybe you are overly confident. I don't want to blame you because you actually did a lot for me, more than anybody.
Last night, I wanted to tell you one last time that I love you, but you hung up too early. Today, I didn't cry; I feel very calm and hopeful. I don't feel like I lost you; I can still feel your presence here with me. Am I being delusional? Because I do hope to start over with you. If that day comes, I promise I will be more honest with you, trust you more and have faith in you. I hope that we'll continue to learn from each other and overcome our shortcomings together.
I didn't want to break up with you because I believe that all it really takes is one reason from the heart to validate our actions, no matter how illogical and irational that reason might be. However, I also believe that if we were meant to be, even if it's not now, someday we will meet again.
I'm worried and excited. I worry that you will forget me, that you will forget our promise, that you will no longer care about me...but I'm also excited to see what surprises the future might bring. Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. I have faith in us.
I love you, Jonathan.
People cry
People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.
-Unknown
-Unknown
April 3rd of 2012 at 3:45 PM
Monday 19 December 2011
I'm supposed to study right now, but I have write down everything first because I don't want to talk about this over and over again later.
I was at a seminar today for work purpose; I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself to listen and focus on the lecture because I didn't want to cry. How embarrassing would that be if I started crying in front of my colleagues. I didn't have any expression on my face; it almost felt like I had botox or something. For the whole time, I was wondering if Jonathan would call me. He didn't. I finally couldn't resist and texted him.
"I miss you," I texted him, knowing that I shouldn't
"Elaine...let's make it easy for each other. I'm thinking about you of course," he texted back.
After the seminar, I went to Concordia because I planned on studying with a friend. Half an hour later, Jonathan called me.
"Why are you calling me?" I asked. He sounded very casual. He was just asking me about my day and how I was doing. I really wanted to talk to him as if nothing happened, but it hurts to know that he's not calling me to have me back. I ran to the bathroom crying and I asked him to not call me again.
When I got home, I was very sad and I was crying again. I called him. I'm not exactly sure why I called him, or what I wanted to get out of this...
Maybe I wanted him back.
Maybe I wanted to be comforted.
Maybe I wanted a reason...but there are no reasons and too many reasons all at once. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him, maybe he's not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who isn't ready. He didn't want me to think that it was my fault, and I know it's not. It's us both.
Although I love him alot, there were things that I were never that convinced about, the love I feel for him for example. It's not like anything I've experienced before. I once told him that someone from the past gave me the best highs and worst lows, just like a drug. I knew that wasn't right and I was determined to find someone who would give me healthier highs and lows, someone who is patient, stable and understanding. I found that person, but I'm not totally satisfied to be honest, and I think it's because somewhere inside me, I miss that ferocity, I miss that life I was living on the edge, I miss that part of me. I was not always honest, I must admit.
He has his own issues too. All these compromises were worth it but there were still issues that's been causing us a lot of trouble, resentment and distances. I cannot hate him, because I know that he did a lot for me. We talked for over an hour about everything. I really want him back but in a way, I know that breaking up might be better for us because we have to work on ourselves.
"Will we see each other again?" I asked.
"I hope we will..."
"I will never call you again, and I never want to hear from you again either, unless one day, you think that there might be a chance that we can start over. Do you think that will ever happen?"
"Will we be together again in the future? I really don't know, but if we burn the bridge then it will certainly not happen. I don't want to tell you that it will happen because I don't want you to wait for a phone call. I don't want to live knowing that someone's waiting for me..."
"Even if I wait, it's my choice,"
"That's such a typical answer from you..." he said, probably thinking that I was stubborn. "I will never forget about you, Elaine. I will call you when we will both be ready to talk,"
"What if you loose my number?"
"Don't worry, if I want to find you; I will find you."
"How about this, let's meet again in April. Not to be together, but just to see where we're at?"
"Which day?"
"The 3rd."
"At what time?"
"3:45."
"Where?"
"Same place."
He promised he will be there no matter what happens, even if he's with someone else by then. I also promised him that I will be there unless I die. I understand that if we do meet again on this date, he might have moved on and things would have changed. However, I know myself pretty well and I know I wouldn't have moved on by then...maybe it's my stubborn nature. I can't easily move on...
It would be a lie if said I didn't want to start over but at this point, I can only hope that we would've changed and gained some new perspectives. That thought keeps me going and even if I'm just making up a lie for myself to believe in, then so what and who knows? After that conversation, all that weight in my heart was lifted up; I'm not crying anymore.
Until then, I asked him to not contact me. I will not contact him. I will try to not think about him too often. I will not date anybody either. I will only be focusing at work and on earning my designation. I will reflect and work on myself.
Lastly, this is very corny but I had to put this here; If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
I was at a seminar today for work purpose; I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself to listen and focus on the lecture because I didn't want to cry. How embarrassing would that be if I started crying in front of my colleagues. I didn't have any expression on my face; it almost felt like I had botox or something. For the whole time, I was wondering if Jonathan would call me. He didn't. I finally couldn't resist and texted him.
"I miss you," I texted him, knowing that I shouldn't
"Elaine...let's make it easy for each other. I'm thinking about you of course," he texted back.
After the seminar, I went to Concordia because I planned on studying with a friend. Half an hour later, Jonathan called me.
"Why are you calling me?" I asked. He sounded very casual. He was just asking me about my day and how I was doing. I really wanted to talk to him as if nothing happened, but it hurts to know that he's not calling me to have me back. I ran to the bathroom crying and I asked him to not call me again.
When I got home, I was very sad and I was crying again. I called him. I'm not exactly sure why I called him, or what I wanted to get out of this...
Maybe I wanted him back.
Maybe I wanted to be comforted.
Maybe I wanted a reason...but there are no reasons and too many reasons all at once. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him, maybe he's not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who isn't ready. He didn't want me to think that it was my fault, and I know it's not. It's us both.
Although I love him alot, there were things that I were never that convinced about, the love I feel for him for example. It's not like anything I've experienced before. I once told him that someone from the past gave me the best highs and worst lows, just like a drug. I knew that wasn't right and I was determined to find someone who would give me healthier highs and lows, someone who is patient, stable and understanding. I found that person, but I'm not totally satisfied to be honest, and I think it's because somewhere inside me, I miss that ferocity, I miss that life I was living on the edge, I miss that part of me. I was not always honest, I must admit.
He has his own issues too. All these compromises were worth it but there were still issues that's been causing us a lot of trouble, resentment and distances. I cannot hate him, because I know that he did a lot for me. We talked for over an hour about everything. I really want him back but in a way, I know that breaking up might be better for us because we have to work on ourselves.
"Will we see each other again?" I asked.
"I hope we will..."
"I will never call you again, and I never want to hear from you again either, unless one day, you think that there might be a chance that we can start over. Do you think that will ever happen?"
"Will we be together again in the future? I really don't know, but if we burn the bridge then it will certainly not happen. I don't want to tell you that it will happen because I don't want you to wait for a phone call. I don't want to live knowing that someone's waiting for me..."
"Even if I wait, it's my choice,"
"That's such a typical answer from you..." he said, probably thinking that I was stubborn. "I will never forget about you, Elaine. I will call you when we will both be ready to talk,"
"What if you loose my number?"
"Don't worry, if I want to find you; I will find you."
"How about this, let's meet again in April. Not to be together, but just to see where we're at?"
"Which day?"
"The 3rd."
"At what time?"
"3:45."
"Where?"
"Same place."
He promised he will be there no matter what happens, even if he's with someone else by then. I also promised him that I will be there unless I die. I understand that if we do meet again on this date, he might have moved on and things would have changed. However, I know myself pretty well and I know I wouldn't have moved on by then...maybe it's my stubborn nature. I can't easily move on...
It would be a lie if said I didn't want to start over but at this point, I can only hope that we would've changed and gained some new perspectives. That thought keeps me going and even if I'm just making up a lie for myself to believe in, then so what and who knows? After that conversation, all that weight in my heart was lifted up; I'm not crying anymore.
Until then, I asked him to not contact me. I will not contact him. I will try to not think about him too often. I will not date anybody either. I will only be focusing at work and on earning my designation. I will reflect and work on myself.
Lastly, this is very corny but I had to put this here; If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
His last words
You were yourself Elaine, and I expected no less and got no less for all 259 days, so no apologies from you are necessary. It is not silly to believe in fate, who knows what the future holds. I've learned from you and you've driven me so for that it's me who thanks you. Elaine, I value your presence and space in my life, and I'm sure our relationship in whatever form it may take will go on.
...and also, I was far from perfect, so for all the times that it was me who fucked up. I'm sorry too.
My last words
Jonathan, it's been 259 days since we first met and I just want to let you know that it's been the happiest days of my life. I know I put you through a lot; I let the past get the best of me and I'm sorry. I just want to say I love you and always will, I never meant to hurt you. You're the best thing that happened to me, you helped me become a better and happier person...
I remember everything about us. I trust that there is something that brings us together and even though it's silly, I really hope to be with you again someday when the time is right. I believe in fate. I believe we're made for each other, even if it's not now, I promise you next time I will get it right. All I ever wanted was to love you. I’ll keep moving forward because my heart has hope. One day you will come back and we will live happy ever after.
259 days
April 3rd, 2011, 3:45PM
259 days
We broke up for good today.
I cried all day today, but I'm surprisingly calm right now.
259 days
We broke up for good today.
I cried all day today, but I'm surprisingly calm right now.
Finally said what I had to say...
Sunday 18 December 2011
Lately, Ive been feeling unstable and insecure. I've been crying a lot because I feel like we're near the end. A man's word is his bond and his responsibility and I cannot accept a man who consistently breaks that bond. The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moment of comfort and convenience...So if keeping your words is so difficult for you, and coming to see me when you said you would is a responsibility, then maybe we shouldn't be together.
Sometimes, I do feel I should be more supportive, but I don't feel you're here for me when I need you. You never say anything to reassure me; all you ever say is "I don't know what to say," as if it is my fault that I feel a certain way. Last time, it really upset me that you told me I should change and adjust, because I did try to be more accepting and be better but in the end, the blame is still put on me...
I didn't want to say this because I know I might loose you for saying all this and for giving you so much headaches. I love you a lot and I want to be with you, I believe you feel the same way about me but comfort can be blinding and I cannot ignore the way I feel either. It's really hard for me but I need to say this because I cannot pretend that everything is okay. Tell me what I should do..
Problems
Thursday 15 December 2011
I don't know where to start.
Some days, I think I'm in love with Jonathan...but he really pisses me off.
1. I hate it when people smoke in my face or in the same room or wherever I can smell them, but the main real reason I hate it when he smokes weed when I'm there is because...fuck, he looks retarded and everything he says is retarded. I used to tell him to go smoke outside or simply not smoke when I'm at his place but lately, I have to admit that I've been more accommodating...I hide under the covers instead, only because i don't want to argue.
2. I hate it when there's always something more "important" that comes up last minute when we're supposed to meet, and let me tell you something, it's never that important. I'm not trying to brag or anything but, I never had to work overtime, unless I'm putting on a show for managers to see, and I always managed to get all my work done and the reason is simple; time management. Even when I was still at school, I NEVER studied past midnight.
3. I hate it when he makes himself sound like he does so much for me. This was maybe the case when we first met but lately, it's been the complete opposite. How considerate is he when he smokes in my face when he clearly knows that I hate the smell. How accommodating is he when he decided to watch hockey instead of watching a movie with me. Also, I'm the one waiting for him to say "Yes, I have time. Let's meet." but that's not because I have more free time than him.
Things have been awkward between us in the past weeks. Sometimes, I think I might be the problem; maybe am I expecting too much?...but for those who know me can tell I'm not the high-maintenance type. Once, he told me that I'm codependent and that I need to think about it....which is simply absurd. Seriously, I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean. Is it just because I want him to text me every morning? Dude, seriously. Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I'm sure he can text me a few words in the morning.
Last night, he asked me to hold the line for a second when we were on the phone. I waited minutes before I lost my patience and hung up. He allows himself to waste my time?! When I call him, he always tells me he's working and has to hang up. However when he calls me, even if I'm studying, I always stay on the phone with him to talk for a bit. What the fuck is this. His excuse? He was pouring his cereal. You know what amount of work I could have done while wasting my time waiting on the phone while he's pouring his stupid cereal?!!
I'm pissed. We get into an argument almost everytime we talk, but I'm always the one who apologizes first and it's not because I think I'm wrong. I just don't want to argue and let it go. Today, we were supposed to see each other...but I already had the feeling that it would not work out. And I was right.
He texted me this.
"Hey, let's resolve this. You feel like I'm distancing myself? It's not on purpose...I'm busy with work all of a sudden. But also, your reactions, I feel, are immature which creates the emotional distance for me. Before, I used to sweat over it and then, I just decided to let it slide and let you calm down. Now, I'm at a the point I don't care how you react. I don't feel like seeing you now."
"What do you really want to say?" I ask.
"...that despite all that shit, I care about you and I want things to be better. But you need to acknowledge and adjust. Anyways, I'm telling you how I feel. Not trying to argue."
...as if I'm trying to argue.
It upsets me how my efforts goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I really had the urge to break up but, I guess the reason I didn't is because I do not want to regret. I'd rather be the one who's being left.
It's almost new year, and I really wanted to be able to say that I fell in love in 2011. I wanted to confidently introduce him to my family but, I think not.
Some days, I think I'm in love with Jonathan...but he really pisses me off.
1. I hate it when people smoke in my face or in the same room or wherever I can smell them, but the main real reason I hate it when he smokes weed when I'm there is because...fuck, he looks retarded and everything he says is retarded. I used to tell him to go smoke outside or simply not smoke when I'm at his place but lately, I have to admit that I've been more accommodating...I hide under the covers instead, only because i don't want to argue.
2. I hate it when there's always something more "important" that comes up last minute when we're supposed to meet, and let me tell you something, it's never that important. I'm not trying to brag or anything but, I never had to work overtime, unless I'm putting on a show for managers to see, and I always managed to get all my work done and the reason is simple; time management. Even when I was still at school, I NEVER studied past midnight.
3. I hate it when he makes himself sound like he does so much for me. This was maybe the case when we first met but lately, it's been the complete opposite. How considerate is he when he smokes in my face when he clearly knows that I hate the smell. How accommodating is he when he decided to watch hockey instead of watching a movie with me. Also, I'm the one waiting for him to say "Yes, I have time. Let's meet." but that's not because I have more free time than him.
Things have been awkward between us in the past weeks. Sometimes, I think I might be the problem; maybe am I expecting too much?...but for those who know me can tell I'm not the high-maintenance type. Once, he told me that I'm codependent and that I need to think about it....which is simply absurd. Seriously, I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean. Is it just because I want him to text me every morning? Dude, seriously. Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I'm sure he can text me a few words in the morning.
Last night, he asked me to hold the line for a second when we were on the phone. I waited minutes before I lost my patience and hung up. He allows himself to waste my time?! When I call him, he always tells me he's working and has to hang up. However when he calls me, even if I'm studying, I always stay on the phone with him to talk for a bit. What the fuck is this. His excuse? He was pouring his cereal. You know what amount of work I could have done while wasting my time waiting on the phone while he's pouring his stupid cereal?!!
I'm pissed. We get into an argument almost everytime we talk, but I'm always the one who apologizes first and it's not because I think I'm wrong. I just don't want to argue and let it go. Today, we were supposed to see each other...but I already had the feeling that it would not work out. And I was right.
He texted me this.
"Hey, let's resolve this. You feel like I'm distancing myself? It's not on purpose...I'm busy with work all of a sudden. But also, your reactions, I feel, are immature which creates the emotional distance for me. Before, I used to sweat over it and then, I just decided to let it slide and let you calm down. Now, I'm at a the point I don't care how you react. I don't feel like seeing you now."
"What do you really want to say?" I ask.
"...that despite all that shit, I care about you and I want things to be better. But you need to acknowledge and adjust. Anyways, I'm telling you how I feel. Not trying to argue."
...as if I'm trying to argue.
It upsets me how my efforts goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I really had the urge to break up but, I guess the reason I didn't is because I do not want to regret. I'd rather be the one who's being left.
It's almost new year, and I really wanted to be able to say that I fell in love in 2011. I wanted to confidently introduce him to my family but, I think not.
I'm tired.
What's new.
1. I'm tired of working at client's. I haven't been to the downtown office in a while and miss it...kind of.
2. I'm tired of my colleages. I'm tired of stupid people. I seriously wonder where some people got their education.
3. I'm tired of Jonathan. I'm tired of his time management problems, his excuses and everything.
Fuck, I'm tired.
1. I'm tired of working at client's. I haven't been to the downtown office in a while and miss it...kind of.
2. I'm tired of my colleages. I'm tired of stupid people. I seriously wonder where some people got their education.
3. I'm tired of Jonathan. I'm tired of his time management problems, his excuses and everything.
Fuck, I'm tired.
Border
Monday 5 December 2011
People overdesiring simplicity perhaps make too many assumptions, too wrongly, too carelessly. Standing behind a border and caught up your narrow-minded perceptions and persistent illusions; too far from accuracy and too simple to be of any value.
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's incapability, or maybe plain unwillingness...
And maybe because as you cross that border, everything no longer has the same familiar meanings.
The most disturbing women you will meet in your life are the ones you will never have, because in relation to them, regardless of the immediate proximity, you are on the other side of the border.
Maybe it's fear, maybe it's incapability, or maybe plain unwillingness...
And maybe because as you cross that border, everything no longer has the same familiar meanings.
The most disturbing women you will meet in your life are the ones you will never have, because in relation to them, regardless of the immediate proximity, you are on the other side of the border.
Break up or not?
Friday 2 December 2011
Last night, we were supposed to be with each other, but...
5:30- He tells me that he will be eating with his friends. "I thought you would be going out with your friends?" he tells me, but I clearly remember telling him that I'm only going to eat with my friends and go see him right after.
8:10- I call him and he tells me that he's eating alone. I found that weird but didn't say anything. I bet he would not answer if I called an hour later.
9:30- I call him and as predicted, he doesn't answer. I try a few minutes later, half an hour later, an hour later, an hour and a half later and finally 2 hours later...no answer. That means he intentionally set his phone on silent when he was with his "friends".
I was too pissed, so I turned off my phone and went to bed.
Today he texted me that he in Tremblant and obviously, he's still not answering my calls. I didn't want mention the words "break up", but I couldn't. "Do you want to break up or what?" I text him.
Maybe it's really time to break up.
5:30- He tells me that he will be eating with his friends. "I thought you would be going out with your friends?" he tells me, but I clearly remember telling him that I'm only going to eat with my friends and go see him right after.
8:10- I call him and he tells me that he's eating alone. I found that weird but didn't say anything. I bet he would not answer if I called an hour later.
9:30- I call him and as predicted, he doesn't answer. I try a few minutes later, half an hour later, an hour later, an hour and a half later and finally 2 hours later...no answer. That means he intentionally set his phone on silent when he was with his "friends".
I was too pissed, so I turned off my phone and went to bed.
Today he texted me that he in Tremblant and obviously, he's still not answering my calls. I didn't want mention the words "break up", but I couldn't. "Do you want to break up or what?" I text him.
Maybe it's really time to break up.
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