I don't know where to start.
Some days, I think I'm in love with Jonathan...but he really pisses me off.
1. I hate it when people smoke in my face or in the same room or wherever I can smell them, but the main real reason I hate it when he smokes weed when I'm there is because...fuck, he looks retarded and everything he says is retarded. I used to tell him to go smoke outside or simply not smoke when I'm at his place but lately, I have to admit that I've been more accommodating...I hide under the covers instead, only because i don't want to argue.
2. I hate it when there's always something more "important" that comes up last minute when we're supposed to meet, and let me tell you something, it's never that important. I'm not trying to brag or anything but, I never had to work overtime, unless I'm putting on a show for managers to see, and I always managed to get all my work done and the reason is simple; time management. Even when I was still at school, I NEVER studied past midnight.
3. I hate it when he makes himself sound like he does so much for me. This was maybe the case when we first met but lately, it's been the complete opposite. How considerate is he when he smokes in my face when he clearly knows that I hate the smell. How accommodating is he when he decided to watch hockey instead of watching a movie with me. Also, I'm the one waiting for him to say "Yes, I have time. Let's meet." but that's not because I have more free time than him.
Things have been awkward between us in the past weeks. Sometimes, I think I might be the problem; maybe am I expecting too much?...but for those who know me can tell I'm not the high-maintenance type. Once, he told me that I'm codependent and that I need to think about it....which is simply absurd. Seriously, I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean. Is it just because I want him to text me every morning? Dude, seriously. Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I'm sure he can text me a few words in the morning.
Last night, he asked me to hold the line for a second when we were on the phone. I waited minutes before I lost my patience and hung up. He allows himself to waste my time?! When I call him, he always tells me he's working and has to hang up. However when he calls me, even if I'm studying, I always stay on the phone with him to talk for a bit. What the fuck is this. His excuse? He was pouring his cereal. You know what amount of work I could have done while wasting my time waiting on the phone while he's pouring his stupid cereal?!!
I'm pissed. We get into an argument almost everytime we talk, but I'm always the one who apologizes first and it's not because I think I'm wrong. I just don't want to argue and let it go. Today, we were supposed to see each other...but I already had the feeling that it would not work out. And I was right.
He texted me this.
"Hey, let's resolve this. You feel like I'm distancing myself? It's not on purpose...I'm busy with work all of a sudden. But also, your reactions, I feel, are immature which creates the emotional distance for me. Before, I used to sweat over it and then, I just decided to let it slide and let you calm down. Now, I'm at a the point I don't care how you react. I don't feel like seeing you now."
"What do you really want to say?" I ask.
"...that despite all that shit, I care about you and I want things to be better. But you need to acknowledge and adjust. Anyways, I'm telling you how I feel. Not trying to argue."
...as if I'm trying to argue.
It upsets me how my efforts goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I really had the urge to break up but, I guess the reason I didn't is because I do not want to regret. I'd rather be the one who's being left.
It's almost new year, and I really wanted to be able to say that I fell in love in 2011. I wanted to confidently introduce him to my family but, I think not.