I'm supposed to study right now, but I have write down everything first because I don't want to talk about this over and over again later.
I was at a seminar today for work purpose; I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself to listen and focus on the lecture because I didn't want to cry. How embarrassing would that be if I started crying in front of my colleagues. I didn't have any expression on my face; it almost felt like I had botox or something. For the whole time, I was wondering if Jonathan would call me. He didn't. I finally couldn't resist and texted him.
"I miss you," I texted him, knowing that I shouldn't
"Elaine...let's make it easy for each other. I'm thinking about you of course," he texted back.
After the seminar, I went to Concordia because I planned on studying with a friend. Half an hour later, Jonathan called me.
"Why are you calling me?" I asked. He sounded very casual. He was just asking me about my day and how I was doing. I really wanted to talk to him as if nothing happened, but it hurts to know that he's not calling me to have me back. I ran to the bathroom crying and I asked him to not call me again.
When I got home, I was very sad and I was crying again. I called him. I'm not exactly sure why I called him, or what I wanted to get out of this...
Maybe I wanted him back.
Maybe I wanted to be comforted.
Maybe I wanted a reason...but there are no reasons and too many reasons all at once. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him, maybe he's not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who isn't ready. He didn't want me to think that it was my fault, and I know it's not. It's us both.
Although I love him alot, there were things that I were never that convinced about, the love I feel for him for example. It's not like anything I've experienced before. I once told him that someone from the past gave me the best highs and worst lows, just like a drug. I knew that wasn't right and I was determined to find someone who would give me healthier highs and lows, someone who is patient, stable and understanding. I found that person, but I'm not totally satisfied to be honest, and I think it's because somewhere inside me, I miss that ferocity, I miss that life I was living on the edge, I miss that part of me. I was not always honest, I must admit.
He has his own issues too. All these compromises were worth it but there were still issues that's been causing us a lot of trouble, resentment and distances. I cannot hate him, because I know that he did a lot for me. We talked for over an hour about everything. I really want him back but in a way, I know that breaking up might be better for us because we have to work on ourselves.
"Will we see each other again?" I asked.
"I hope we will..."
"I will never call you again, and I never want to hear from you again either, unless one day, you think that there might be a chance that we can start over. Do you think that will ever happen?"
"Will we be together again in the future? I really don't know, but if we burn the bridge then it will certainly not happen. I don't want to tell you that it will happen because I don't want you to wait for a phone call. I don't want to live knowing that someone's waiting for me..."
"Even if I wait, it's my choice,"
"That's such a typical answer from you..." he said, probably thinking that I was stubborn. "I will never forget about you, Elaine. I will call you when we will both be ready to talk,"
"What if you loose my number?"
"Don't worry, if I want to find you; I will find you."
"How about this, let's meet again in April. Not to be together, but just to see where we're at?"
"Which day?"
"The 3rd."
"At what time?"
"3:45."
"Where?"
"Same place."
He promised he will be there no matter what happens, even if he's with someone else by then. I also promised him that I will be there unless I die. I understand that if we do meet again on this date, he might have moved on and things would have changed. However, I know myself pretty well and I know I wouldn't have moved on by then...maybe it's my stubborn nature. I can't easily move on...
It would be a lie if said I didn't want to start over but at this point, I can only hope that we would've changed and gained some new perspectives. That thought keeps me going and even if I'm just making up a lie for myself to believe in, then so what and who knows? After that conversation, all that weight in my heart was lifted up; I'm not crying anymore.
Until then, I asked him to not contact me. I will not contact him. I will try to not think about him too often. I will not date anybody either. I will only be focusing at work and on earning my designation. I will reflect and work on myself.
Lastly, this is very corny but I had to put this here; If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.