Just not now

I owe you a sorry that I can't tell you.

One day, I will.

Reflection

A few days before I left, we argued for some small things. That was when I learnt that if you're not happy, you should tell the person you're dealing with. Even if it's just for some small things because many small things added up together becomes a big thing. If you just swallow it everytime, one day you will not be able to take it anymore and you will explode. As obvious as it is, I didn't understand that before because I always wanted to make people believe that I'm the most perfect creature in the world and that they'll regret it if they ever lose me...it was very superficial. Learning to share what we have and being able to accept the imperfections means you're comfortable around each other and you can relie on him. We compensated for each other's flaws.

Whenever I do something that makes him mad, he will not tell me that it bothers him. If I wanted to go somewhere, he will come with me even though he might hate that place. I know he wants to make me happy and honestly, I feel blessed that someone wanted me to be happy. However I think I would be even happier if he does what he likes, says what he has to say and makes decisions for me and for himself sometimes. I'm pretty sure he will change if I told him to, but is that a good thing even if he's willing to do it? I told him that I will be happy no matter what he decides to do, but he has to do it for himself, because he will not be truly happy and it's just not worth it if it were for anyone else including me.

Another thing I learnt is that, if you really love someone, you will accept his flaws. But if you don't really love that person then his flaws or even random things can become your excuse to leave him. I always tell people that it wasn't possible for us to go on because we live on opposite sides of the world, but now you know that's not the real reason. When people ask my advice on long-distance relationships, I always tell them: It works it you believe it works, it doesn't work if you don't believe it works, but asking that question means that you're hesitating so that's why it will not work for you. Maybe I were never in love with Kevin, but I do love him as much as I love my family and he made a great change in my life.

A lots of times, people are conscient of certain things, but will not understand or accept it until they live it. Even though they finally live it, they might not realize it so they never learn from it.

Think back sometimes.

Adults are liars and men should die

How would you feel if you were a 12-year-old who finally found the courage to tell an adult what happenned to you, but that person you really trusted didn't even take it seriously and did nothing about it? You're only a 12-year-old who just came out of elementary school, what can you do? I suddenly remembered that when I was little, teachers always told us that if anything happenned, we should talk to an adult we trusted. I'm sure everyone got that advice at some point in their life, but teachers forgot to tell us that adults are not always right, adults are mostly imcompetant and a lot are just hypocrites and can't do anything except telling you to get over it or to go fix it yourself and the world is very evil but one day it will not bother you anymore because you will become one of them. Really, what kind of advice is that, why didn't they tell us instead that incompetant people give incompetant advices because of their crappy salary? And a 12-year-old...are you kidding? She knows nothing and she'll probably forget it the next morning! YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL STUPID, ALL FAILURES AND THAT'S WHY YOU STILL HAVE TO WORK WITH ANNOYING KIDS AND EARN JUST ENOUGH TO NOT BE CONSIDERED BUM!

Message to someone fascinating

Hello!!! Today, I have a message to someone really fascinating and I will post it here. Why? because that person is a stalker and I'm sure she'll recognize herself.

Dear Miss,

I don't know how to start this so I will write the first thing that came up in my mind: Your boyfriend is ugly like shit. I'm not trying to say that he does not deserve you, because it's not as if you were more good-looking. Okay okay...My mom always told me to not judge people by their appearance because it's not their fault if they are ugly right? so let's skip this. I have to tell you that your boyfriend keeps checking out other girls behind and sometimes right in your face. Not exactly sometimes...I meant ALWAYS. Oh man...why am I telling you this? You already know right? That's why I said you're really fascinating... fascinately stupid. I still can understand that your man has a dick and likes to check out hot girls he can't get, so that's why you let him since WE think he's ugly so you don't worry. Or maybe you try to be generous and act like you were open with this so that he stays with you. I don't know your reason and I will probably never understand, because I can't understand stupid people. Why I'm posting this? Well, because I couldn't sleep so I decided to piss you off since you like to stalk on hot girls your boyfriend checks out all the time... yes, yes, ALL THE FUCKIN TIME with that I-want-you-so-bad stare everytime we walk by, no matter whether you're there or not. Does he stare at you like that too?

Ah well, I had my fun so good night!

From ME!

Lame excuses, stupid excuses

Lame excuses and stupid excuses....I hate fucking excuses. Is it so hard to say "You're annoying me" or even better "NO and FUCK OFF" ? Why do people waste their brain muscles to think of such excuses that only stupid people believe?! Oh maybe I look blonde.

Even a "I don't think so" will do. I have more respect for indirect people than those who come up with tons of excuses (a different one everytime) that no one believes but everyone pretends they do. "I have school" but we're satuday night. Worst than that: "You have exam"....waw it must take a lot to act like my mom and even my mom won't bother with that. I call that "effort-wasting" and "time-wasting" and "brain muscles-wasting".

People, advice for you here, just say no when you wanna say no because if the person you wanna say no to is some thick-skinned bitch, she'll probably never understand. Don't try to sound nice because you really sound lame and stupid!

I'm done with my rant and I'm going to bed!

You're human and she's a beast

"You're human and she's a beast. Don't argue with her."

Goodbye?

Today, I got Kevin's e-mail, but I didn't read it yet. I'm hesitating to open it just as usual, I think I'll wait a few weeks before reading it. Goshh I'm such a weirdo, am I the only one? I'm not quite sure why, but I think it's because I'm scared that he'll lose his patience one day and that he'll not care about me anymore. It's funny how I'm sort of contradicting myself because I also wish he could move on, find someone better and just be happy. On the other hand, there's still that little pinching in my heart at idea that one day he'll not care anymore. I really just want someone to care and of course I can't be selfish. Up to now, he never deceived me and never did one thing that could possibly make me mad, but I'm still scared to read that e-mail! Would it be better if I just cut contact? How do I do this? Is there a better way to do it? Should I tell him why? Or do I just disappear without a word? I don't wanna be mean, but it's even more evil to not be mean. Why am I so complicated?!

和平风

天上的和平风可会吹动到人间的心？


@Anji(Zhejiang)

Experimental

Be rough; I love pain and I can take more than you think. I don't mind crying because I wonder if I still have tears. My skin is thicker than cow skin. I like hearing lies and I empty promises. I don't mind if my heart breaks and I won't even try to hide because I'm too afraid to be unbreakable.

Don't be gentle, I can handle anything...

Sincere intentions can be selfish sometimes

You know those people who truly cares for you and do things for your good because they think that's what you need, as if they know you better than yourself. Isn't that selfish in a way, even though intentions are sincere? It seems like I'm not very thankful for what is given to me, but what is given to me is not necessary what I need. It's not as if I never made any effort...I did. I tried to explain that he's strangling me and I can barely breath, but apparently I'm too immature and I don't use my brain. Sometimes I think it's my fault for not being understanding, but I'm that selfish. I wanna be able to tell everyone that I'm oh so happy today because my dad did this and that for me, but I think I'd be even happier if he ignored me.

A hole

The world doesn't annoy me, you're the only one who annoys me. You should shut the fuck up because no one cares. What you should've done ages ago is really useless even if you decide to compensate for it now. And keep saying things you have no guts to do...because that's all you have; a hole that stinks and that never shuts. Blah-Blah-Blah!

Can I be happy too?

I don't have high-standard values that deserve respect. I don't have ambitious dreams that are worth admiration. I don't mind if the world leaves me behind because I don't wanna save the world. I am not the nicest girl you'll meet, I'm just very ordinary. Can I be happy too?

Beijing

This summer, I might go study in Beijing. Why? Well, other than the fact that my mandarin sucks (still better than you) and that I should improve it just in case my future husband happens to be some Mandarin dude, and other than the fact that I'll get 12 big fat credits, and other than the fact that I am sick of Montreal, and other than the fact that I've never been to the capital of my country...I actually don't really know why, I don't have a precise reason. I just think that I should go and see what there is for me. I don't really have anything important in Montreal, no job, no boyfriend, no summer school, so why not eh? When I tell my friends that montreal became boring, they reply that there are always new things, such as new restaurants, new stores, new bars, new...I don't know what, but that's all superficial and it's not what I want...okay superficial is not the exact word, but you get what I mean. Anyway, nothing's for sure yet, so don't ask me anything!

Why

You’re a loser even if you someday win, as you merely wanted to win. In the end, you'll ignore what you won and why you wanted it so bad.