He's sweet and thoughtful and there's physical attraction for sure but... that's all it is. I think I'm just not in the right mood at all. I'm in that mood I don't want people to notice me or to approach me. It might be weird to say this but I want to be the one that no one knows about. I'm tired of all that attention I receive; I can't handle that.
Everyone irritates me;
I'm sick of boys trying to impress me by acting like retards
I'm sick of hearing girls bitch-talking
I'm sick of people who can't see past my hair and make-up
I'm sick of all that dumbshit and fakeness!
I don't even want to go anywhere too crowded...and I don't like going to school for that reason. I don't want to bump into people I know and be forced to say "Hi!!!" with a huge smile on my face. I want to be isolated from the outside world and be surrounded by the very few close friends I have ONLY. Am I normal?
"Elaine, you're beautiful, be strong. Go out, meet new people! You're a good person and good things will happen to you one day"
Blah-blah-fucking-blah. I know those lines by heart, thanks. And they don't mean shit to me. Don't they sound pathetic? Those are the things we all tell each other but no one ever wants to hear.
I don't know. I really don't see myself with someone, flirting and acting all cute and cheesy anymore. I'm not able to maintain interest in any one person anymore. I don't want to be alone but I just feel like being alone is what I need. Aren't there people who are simply meant to be alone and take things as they come? Then I brag about how I get to do whatever I want and start to say things like "Yay! I'm free!" to comfort myself. Yes I'm pessimistic...but there was a time I wasn't and I was told that I was being too naive.
I'm too tired. Need to stay home...
...because I'm getting one this summer! Depending on whether I work that seasonal job or not. And if you're that curious then I can give you a hint; I get paid to wear skimpy clothes ;)
最后我一句话都没有说到 因为他的身边出现了一个人 说出来也再没有意思了 有一点想哭又哭不出来的痛 但难过也是好的 一则以来不想放开的某些人和事都终于要放开了 这不应该是值得开心的事吗？ 但我又笑不出来。 ...And if you're those people who I haven't seen in ages, try to limit your how-have-you-been-and-what-about-this-and-that questions if we bump into each other on the street because if you're not in my life anymore; there's a reason for that. It's also "weird" that it's always the guys who bombard me with endless questions like they care about me. It's like...I'm looking for an excuse to say bye while you're telling me about your life, dude.
I wanted one when I was little. Van was encouraging me to get a bike licence and said he'll teach me and ride with me (isn't he such a cutie? haha), so I was like..."OKAY! :D" So my theory test is in 2 weeks and then closed circuit in another month and hopefully full licence next spring? I'm soooooo excited!Me: Van! Can I wear a skirt?
Van: If you want people to see your ass then, yeah!
People keep saying that I look like a fob. I wonder why...
Saturday 10 April 2010
Baldwin: Is that you?
Me: DUH!
Baldwin: Like 5 years ago?
Me: No man, that was yesterday! **Just photoshopped the hair color
Baldwin: UNBELIEVABLE! You look like a mainland chick. **Can't I just be cute?
PS:. I removed the visits tracker because it's really stressing me out. There are seriously people obsessed enough to click on my blog every minute...it's like WTF, relax!! I'd be lying if I tell you guys it's not affecting me. I will continue to write just as before but I don't want to know who stalks anymore. Actually, I already know who you are; You can only be one either one of the following:
A-)Guys who jerk off to my pictures
B-)Obsessed girls who enjoy hating on me
C-)My friends who are curious, taking a study break or something (the most normal ones).
Anyways, I still love my wannabe-ninjas~~~
Concerning facebook
Friday 9 April 2010
I deleted over 200 "friends" on facebook recently because all the gossips, the stalking, the bullshits are so foolish. Is that supposed to be entertaining? I just need me and my close friends who are also my friends in real life; those who call me, text me and see on a regular basis and those who actually care about me, you facebook-addicts know what I'm talking about? I could just delete my account, but I need it for communication purpose with a limited number of people only; those abroad and those I work/collaborate with (or those who might be useful at some point haha)...NOT those I met at a party, those one-nights and uninteresting attention-whores that pop up on my news feed every minute. You don't have the right to be an attention-whore when you're not interesting, girls (and boys too). "Hmm guys, I'm eating a banannaaaa" WHO CARES! Ok well, maybe some people actually care about that...but certainly not anyone who has a life.
Don't come tell me that I'm a bigger attention-whore just because I have a very public online diary because I'm obviously interesting enough to be an attention-whore. Otherwise you won't be here wasting your time to read my rants on a daily basis, DUH! Or maybe you're jerking off to my pictures?
So I'm sorry if I deleted you, but if we're "too busy" to talk to each other in real life (or even online) when we live in a tiny city like montreal then we probably don't care about each other that much at all, do we?! It's like yeah...all we basically do is entertaining each other with our online drama that we're never "too busy" to stalk. That is too much for me.
PS.: You're NOT a ninja even if you don't get caught; you're still a stalker and you know it!
Peace and Love! hahaha :)
Taking the power back
Tuesday 6 April 2010
Okay guys, I wrote this entry yesterday (tuesday) and we're wednesday right now. I just woke up and I'm reading this again. It seems so unreal...like did that actually happened yesterday or was it just a dream? Because I don't feel a thing anymore. Just got everything out of my system I guess.
One thing I learned very early in my life; loneliness doesn't arise from the departure of a person, it arises from the arrival of that person. Therefore, if you want to possess anything, then you must first learn how to accept living without it when it falls out of your hands. If you ever give your heart away, then first learn to acquire the abilities on building a new one, which I don't know if I ever did even after so many years, because you will certainly not get it back in its original state. Even if you get it back with all that tape on; all you'll do with it is hurting new people who come into your life and I can't do that anymore.
I refuse to just lay around like a hermit.
I refuse to suffer for years and make other people suffer with me.
It's time I take the power back!
What I want out of life is much more than what an average person would want. Someone once taught me that being able to live and love just for one more day is not nearly as easy as most people would assume. Every day is a gift; I can't afford to waste time anymore. I have a lot I want to accomplish and I got more important things to do and more important people to take care of. I will love the boy who is giving a damn about me today.
I put the conclusion before the real thing because I want you guys to keep in mind that was all YESTERDAY; It was really "in the moment" so I'm sorry if I sounded like a psycho who needs "social help"; that probably wasn't me because I don't feel like that anymore right now.
At first, I just wrote in Chinese because I don't want him to read, but then I told Van and he was like "WTF Elaine, that is YOUR blog, write about it if you gonna feel better". Goddamn he's so right! I almost forgot that this was MY blog. On top of that, I can't really say all I want to say in Chinese so here's what happenned yesterday....
PS.: By the way, that is only focused on me. I'm not going to say more than I should.
--------
There are days I'm less angry about it and I try to think about it in the most rational way possible. I wonder if he actually wanted to turn me into his slave like I thought. But then I really don't believe a big kid like him is capable of doing that. There's that saying "the smartest people are not as smart as those who know how to pretend to be stupid" which I totally agree with. He's way too eager to prove to others that he's smart, so I don't believe he's able to even think about tricking me into anything. So I thought, is it possible that he was actually only bragging about it? Like a misunderstanding?
I wanted to apologize...but I never had the motivation to actually do it. I don't want to apologizing to someone who I don't believe is 100% innocent. And because I didn't truly feel bad about it. I didn't feel like I needed to. Because yes, I still believe I wasn't the only one with those nasty intentions. But I also wanted to say that I didn’t lie the whole time; I also wanted to be honest and I did but he made me feel like I were the most stupid person on Earth and I really regret for being honest.
It dragged on for so long that I almost forgot until I recently read back on what I wrote and saw that I was actually already thinking about apologizing over a year ago and that there is more than just one thing I should apologize for. I remember telling myself that one day I will because that whole thing is just childish... Or maybe that's just another selfish move of mine? Maybe I just want to feel better about myself? I really don't know.
...but again, I didn't do it.
Gotta at least consider whether he wants to hear that or not.
And it's probably too late.
I was helping my friend to sign up for an account so I didn’t have time to think. My friends were bashing him and I told them I’m fine. Just rationally, did he do anything wrong? Except that he craves for attention and likes fake Chanel handbags? Not much else at all, right? But I felt like he was telling me "Get a taste of your own medicine, bitch"! Anyways, that's still reasonable. It's alright.
I felt just normal; my heartbeat was fine. Only my hands turned cold and went shaky for a few minutes. I guess it could have been worst if that happenned few months back. From now on, my friends probably won't dare to mention him anymore.
I came home and I was confused as to how I should feel about this. See? I faked so often that I can't even tell how I actually feel.
Wanted to cry but couldn't.
Wanted to focus on studying, but couldn't.
Wanted to sleep, but couldn't either.
Maybe I should be happy?
In the end, I really couldn't hold it back.
I once told myself that I have to remember even if the world crashes in front of me; I won’t be surprised. Remember what I’ve done and how much I sacrified. Remember how many chains that tied me up and I broke them. Remember how good I am at keeping my head up and walking away. I think I did that too often and it just became part of me...not quite sure if I'm doing this because I'm strong or for other reasons anymore.
The good part is that he makes me feel like I'm human again. I don't cry in public unless I’m asking for attention. And crying on my own just feels so fake. It's like; no one can see you right now, honey. How does crying help the situation? If you want to cry, then at least be smart and cry when he sees you so you can use his sympathy to your advantage, you dumbass bitch! Since when did you become so stupid?! STOP CRYING!
Then Van called; we talked for 2 hours. I told him what happened. I felt tears filling the corner of my eyes but I was trying to not cry on the phone, I don't want him to feel bad for me, he's already been living through enough shit lately. He was telling me that he doesn't see a girl like me crying. Someone who doesn’t feel bad about shit? Someone who has everything just by snapping her fingers? Someone who enjoys stepping on everyone? Is that possible? Everyone tells me how pretty I am all the time and I clearly see that everywhere I go...I clearly know! But people don't realize that I'm just a little girl at the end of the day.
Wait, seriously. Why am I crying? Do I have any valid reason? Wasn’t that all because I was immature and had nothing better to do? Didn't I lie and used that blog to mess with his mind? Used his kindness and purposely said demeaning things? I was looking for trouble so why am I acting like I didn't know? I’m really a bitch sometimes; I actually want the last word way more than he does, but I don’t want those ones that little kids like him fight for. I want to be the one who has the final last word.
Maybe because I want to be the victim so I can start blaming on everyone.
I'd rather be the victim so I can hate.
It's ironic how there's someone far away who makes us feel sane, but there's also someone else who drives us crazy and that always has to be the one we bump into regularly. It's okay, I look psycho and clingy right now and blah-dee-blah, we all get it! How pathetic do I sound? I was 20 years old back then, now I'm 22 and when I'll be 30 I'll look back at this entry and think, “God, look what a drama queen I were to cry over little things like that, I seriously didn't know what life is all about".
If I have the chance, I still will apologize. Just let's say that I want to do this for me. I want to feel better about myself. If that's selfish, then just let me be selfish.
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I've always been the one in control of my life, but yesterday was just one of those bad days, kind of like a bad hair day, y'know? Doesn't that happen to everyone occasionally? Just realize that you can either choose to feel like a piece of shit or you can chose to feel like you're the queen of the motherfuckin world.
I will probably think about this whole thing again when I have nothing to do and maybe miss him from time to time, not gonna lie, but I'm far more excited for the future!
It's alllllll good!
Thanks to those who were there to support me ;)
月桂女神
傳說漫長 浩瀚如史詩般
記載這段 惶惶不安
顏色金黃 阿波羅的光芒
卻比不上 達芙妮的勇敢
沒有一種愛可以 在自由 之上
達芙妮的傷 化身 月桂樹 倔強
月桂樹飄香 那夜風戀月光
我的愛 很不一樣
素淨的臉上 從不抹濃妝
堅持 自己喜歡
月桂樹飄香 雲纏繞星光
我要 有話就講
無邊的海洋 那遼闊的想像 比誰 都不平凡
森林河畔 阿波羅在追趕
哭著戴上 達芙妮的桂冠
被束縛的愛 已經沒有了 溫暖
達芙妮的傷 心疼 千年間 流傳
愛搖晃 愛靠岸
我航向前方 尋找桂冠
-SHE
又上多一课了
今天本来想跟他说一句对不起 虽然曾经把这个blog作为武器来利用他的同情心 说过很多令他难受的话 他也做过令我痛心的事 但真很想他知道我也有曾经真心对待过他 其实我们之间有太多分不清的真假与对错
Fuck the good old days!
Friday 2 April 2010
I'm sick of people calling me to go out to drink and party when they clearly know I don't like that.
There's that guy I met long time ago when I were 16 and we used to drink and party together a lot. When I say a lot...it's a lot. He's a cool guy...but if you think he's not thinking about fucking me; you're wrong. How do I know? Well, it's just a rule of nature.
We still hung out after I started university 3 years ago, but not much. He still texts me to go out but I always tell him I'm busy...which is true. Some of you would say "Well Elaine, everyone is busy!"...Right, I just don't want to see him.
People always talk about "the good old days" and how they wish to go back to where they were but I really don't see how good those days were. And even if they were that good, it's still over! Wake up and look forward because yesterday's enjoyment can easily become today's torture if we never move on and find something even better because geez, I'm really over with that. I don't want to be trapped in there forever thinking about how good things were. Looks like it's not that case for him.
When I think about it, we're not even that close at all even if I know him for so long. He always talks to me like we're really that close but in reality, we saw each other less than 5 times in the daylight and in our sober state. The only reason he calls me for is to go out. He would never call to say "So, how's everything"? He's probably still living in the "good old days"; He still parties every night, sleeps all day, changes girlfriends every few weeks or months, cries about it but finds a new one within a week, dropped out of school and works a part-time job...in other words, he's still lost. As lame as I might sound, sometimes I'd think; we shouldn't be friends anymore if we became so different. It's just life and everyone changes; I changed. And if I lost someone on my way here, then all I can say is "it was great while you were here but I'm heading in a different direction so take care and goodbye"!
Maybe it's also because he's a guy that I don't want to be friends with him anymore. He wants to fuck me, his friends want to fuck me...and I'm not kidding. One of his friend even dropped his pants right in front of me once. I just tell them I need to go to the washroom and at least 2 guys would follow me. Did I mention that Jonathan is one of his friends too? He still keeps bothering me. I don't know if any of you feel me but it's really not funny. If you're a guy, I can bet you'd love that if so many chicks just undress in front of you and then throw themselves in your arms but to me, I sometimes feel like crying just thinking about how every fucking guy wants to get in my pants. It's scary how some would even pretend to be my friend; acting all shy and nice...it's just hard to trust anyone and I got no time to analyze their intentions and see who is a real friend, and even if he's a real friend today, it doesn't mean he can resist the tension tomorrow, so you know what? Fuck them all. I'm happy with my girls.
...And you really don't make sense if you ever say that I deserve this just because I wear booty shorts and ultra short skirts. If I hear anyone say that to me, I will castrate him because hey, he has a dick so he must deserve it!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
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