Okay guys, I wrote this entry yesterday (tuesday) and we're wednesday right now. I just woke up and I'm reading this again. It seems so unreal...like did that actually happened yesterday or was it just a dream? Because I don't feel a thing anymore. Just got everything out of my system I guess.
One thing I learned very early in my life; loneliness doesn't arise from the departure of a person, it arises from the arrival of that person. Therefore, if you want to possess anything, then you must first learn how to accept living without it when it falls out of your hands. If you ever give your heart away, then first learn to acquire the abilities on building a new one, which I don't know if I ever did even after so many years, because you will certainly not get it back in its original state. Even if you get it back with all that tape on; all you'll do with it is hurting new people who come into your life and I can't do that anymore.
I refuse to just lay around like a hermit.
I refuse to suffer for years and make other people suffer with me.
It's time I take the power back!
What I want out of life is much more than what an average person would want. Someone once taught me that being able to live and love just for one more day is not nearly as easy as most people would assume. Every day is a gift; I can't afford to waste time anymore. I have a lot I want to accomplish and I got more important things to do and more important people to take care of. I will love the boy who is giving a damn about me today.
I put the conclusion before the real thing because I want you guys to keep in mind that was all YESTERDAY; It was really "in the moment" so I'm sorry if I sounded like a psycho who needs "social help"; that probably wasn't me because I don't feel like that anymore right now.
At first, I just wrote in Chinese because I don't want him to read, but then I told Van and he was like "WTF Elaine, that is YOUR blog, write about it if you gonna feel better". Goddamn he's so right! I almost forgot that this was MY blog. On top of that, I can't really say all I want to say in Chinese so here's what happenned yesterday....
PS.: By the way, that is only focused on me. I'm not going to say more than I should.
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There are days I'm less angry about it and I try to think about it in the most rational way possible. I wonder if he actually wanted to turn me into his slave like I thought. But then I really don't believe a big kid like him is capable of doing that. There's that saying "the smartest people are not as smart as those who know how to pretend to be stupid" which I totally agree with. He's way too eager to prove to others that he's smart, so I don't believe he's able to even think about tricking me into anything. So I thought, is it possible that he was actually only bragging about it? Like a misunderstanding?
I wanted to apologize...but I never had the motivation to actually do it. I don't want to apologizing to someone who I don't believe is 100% innocent. And because I didn't truly feel bad about it. I didn't feel like I needed to. Because yes, I still believe I wasn't the only one with those nasty intentions. But I also wanted to say that I didn’t lie the whole time; I also wanted to be honest and I did but he made me feel like I were the most stupid person on Earth and I really regret for being honest.
It dragged on for so long that I almost forgot until I recently read back on what I wrote and saw that I was actually already thinking about apologizing over a year ago and that there is more than just one thing I should apologize for. I remember telling myself that one day I will because that whole thing is just childish... Or maybe that's just another selfish move of mine? Maybe I just want to feel better about myself? I really don't know.
...but again, I didn't do it.
Gotta at least consider whether he wants to hear that or not.
And it's probably too late.
I was helping my friend to sign up for an account so I didn’t have time to think. My friends were bashing him and I told them I’m fine. Just rationally, did he do anything wrong? Except that he craves for attention and likes fake Chanel handbags? Not much else at all, right? But I felt like he was telling me "Get a taste of your own medicine, bitch"! Anyways, that's still reasonable. It's alright.
I felt just normal; my heartbeat was fine. Only my hands turned cold and went shaky for a few minutes. I guess it could have been worst if that happenned few months back. From now on, my friends probably won't dare to mention him anymore.
I came home and I was confused as to how I should feel about this. See? I faked so often that I can't even tell how I actually feel.
Wanted to cry but couldn't.
Wanted to focus on studying, but couldn't.
Wanted to sleep, but couldn't either.
Maybe I should be happy?
In the end, I really couldn't hold it back.
I once told myself that I have to remember even if the world crashes in front of me; I won’t be surprised. Remember what I’ve done and how much I sacrified. Remember how many chains that tied me up and I broke them. Remember how good I am at keeping my head up and walking away. I think I did that too often and it just became part of me...not quite sure if I'm doing this because I'm strong or for other reasons anymore.
The good part is that he makes me feel like I'm human again. I don't cry in public unless I’m asking for attention. And crying on my own just feels so fake. It's like; no one can see you right now, honey. How does crying help the situation? If you want to cry, then at least be smart and cry when he sees you so you can use his sympathy to your advantage, you dumbass bitch! Since when did you become so stupid?! STOP CRYING!
Then Van called; we talked for 2 hours. I told him what happened. I felt tears filling the corner of my eyes but I was trying to not cry on the phone, I don't want him to feel bad for me, he's already been living through enough shit lately. He was telling me that he doesn't see a girl like me crying. Someone who doesn’t feel bad about shit? Someone who has everything just by snapping her fingers? Someone who enjoys stepping on everyone? Is that possible? Everyone tells me how pretty I am all the time and I clearly see that everywhere I go...I clearly know! But people don't realize that I'm just a little girl at the end of the day.
Wait, seriously. Why am I crying? Do I have any valid reason? Wasn’t that all because I was immature and had nothing better to do? Didn't I lie and used that blog to mess with his mind? Used his kindness and purposely said demeaning things? I was looking for trouble so why am I acting like I didn't know? I’m really a bitch sometimes; I actually want the last word way more than he does, but I don’t want those ones that little kids like him fight for. I want to be the one who has the final last word.
Maybe because I want to be the victim so I can start blaming on everyone.
I'd rather be the victim so I can hate.
It's ironic how there's someone far away who makes us feel sane, but there's also someone else who drives us crazy and that always has to be the one we bump into regularly. It's okay, I look psycho and clingy right now and blah-dee-blah, we all get it! How pathetic do I sound? I was 20 years old back then, now I'm 22 and when I'll be 30 I'll look back at this entry and think, “God, look what a drama queen I were to cry over little things like that, I seriously didn't know what life is all about".
If I have the chance, I still will apologize. Just let's say that I want to do this for me. I want to feel better about myself. If that's selfish, then just let me be selfish.
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I've always been the one in control of my life, but yesterday was just one of those bad days, kind of like a bad hair day, y'know? Doesn't that happen to everyone occasionally? Just realize that you can either choose to feel like a piece of shit or you can chose to feel like you're the queen of the motherfuckin world.
I will probably think about this whole thing again when I have nothing to do and maybe miss him from time to time, not gonna lie, but I'm far more excited for the future!
It's alllllll good!
Thanks to those who were there to support me ;)