Quoting you.

I'll remember every single word you said today...

“死野獸 唔死都冇用!”

...and one day I'll recite this back to you.

Word for word.

To let go or not let go?

Is not letting go means that you're perseverant or does it mean that you are too weak to move on?

海阔天空

今天我寒夜里看雪飘过
怀著冷却了的心窝飘远方
风雨里追赶
雾里分不清影踪
天空海阔你与我
可会变(谁没在变)

多少次迎著冷眼与嘲笑
从没有放弃过心中的理想
一刹那恍惚
若有所失的感觉
不知不觉已变淡
心里爱(谁明白我)

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由
也会怕有一天会跌倒
被弃了理想谁人都可以
那会怕有一天只你共我

仍然自由自我
永远高唱我歌
走遍千里

-Beyond

真心话

余先生 你早死早着吧。

Happiness for the selfish ones?

My decision makes everyone disappointed and worried. One decision I took that I don’t even know if it’s right or wrong. Maybe I’m selfish like they said…but aren’t they selfish for expecting me to be that perfect little good girl I’m not? If I say they are not being understanding, that would be the same as admitting that I'm thoughtless...so who's going to cede? Sometimes I really want to give up and that might take some weight off my shoulders. I don’t understand why it has to be me. Why do I have to be someone I can’t be? Should I forget about myself just so that my family can be happy and be at peace? Or should I just go ahead? Go for what I need and what makes me happy and make everyone else feel like shit and to regret raising a daughter like me? Does that sound like an teenager problem? I could just leave the house, but will that solve the problem?

Aren't parents supposed to support you when you need? Or is a daughter supposed to do whatever her parents expect her to do? Isn't happiness supposed to be contagious? I won't be happy if they were not….and of course they want me to be happy too, we never say it but we really want to make each other happy but somehow things are just not right...all that for ONE word; SELFISHNESS. If it's because they think they know what makes me happy, then I can already tell you they don’t…because I don’t know either but I know that there are only decisions that you make for yourself that will never be regretted. I got to admit that I’m a selfish person and I want to be happy. I really thought of ceding because yes, I’m scared to fall hard on my face and yes, I'm afraid to get hurt…but I’m also too scared to not know. I’m almost 21…and I don’t even know what makes me happy the most. Isn’t that pathetic? Oh yes you can love shopping, love money, love shoes, love handbags and don't worry, I love that too but I’m not talking about all those superficial city girls’ needs. I never lost anything, I never won either. Nothing matters to me and that’s not because I’m easy-going…it’s because I don’t give a shit.

If you were me, what would you do? Would you be a selfish person and maybe, JUST MAYBE find happiness …or to NOT be selfish and that would FOR SURE make everyone else happy? Wouldn’t it be great if there were a perfect optimal solution that could satisfy everyone? I want to be naïve enough to believe it can happen, but that’s like believing that world peace exists…and I’m sorry to burst your bubble but world peace is bullshit…but peace within oneself is possible. Waw it looks like I make sense, but I might just be trying to make up an excuse to make myself feel better…or maybe not. Everything right seems wrong in a way…Everything wrong is somehow not that wrong…So what would you do?

China: Last days Part III

Last part to that post.

It was Friday; my last day in China =(

I wanted to go to the West Lake for one last time, but I ended up not going because I was so tired from Thursday night. I think I still went to that huge shopping mall to fill up my suitcase. I bought so much stuff because everything was so cheap, however I didn't realize that everything I bought was so fobbish that I’d probably never wear in Montreal. The worst is that I had robot cut bangs...that’s so Asian! Anyways, and because of that, I had to pay an extra 60$ USD at the airport for the extra weight!

You already know where I went that night. That’s right! I went to SOS again! I wrote him a letter, all written in Chinese. It took me three hours because I had to google every single character. I wrote all the cheesiest stuff you could ever imagine. It came from my heart, but it's so meaningless in a way. What do you want him to do? We don’t even know if we’ll see each other again…I already knew he would forgive me before I gave it to him. He's just so simple and sweet....but what for?! I'm leaving tomorrow! I know that letter will just add up more question marks for him, he's not a careless person, but that was my last day....I really wanted to say what I had to say and to do what I had to do before I leave because there were no "next time". Even if it’s pointless…it’s pointless because I will not stay for him, and he will not leave China for me…but at least he knows I like him.

I went there and started drinking and there was this annoying guy who was trying to hit on me and of course I rejected him, I didn't even look at his face. Okay whatever, fuck small details. Let's concentrate on the barman. I gave him the letter at the beginning, so he'd have time to think about it. Later on, I went to sit with my friends on the couches and there were two girls at the bar who were trying to get his attention. Honestly, those girls were pretty but he ignored them. He looked at me and made me a sign that he read the letter. Oh gosh that was embarrassing, because it was personal stuff. Sometimes, I think letters are more intimate that face-to-face conversations…well at least for me. Then those girls started staring at me...those bitches. Haha, but I was happy, because everything seemed to be resolved after he read my letter, he forgave me and he smiled at me just like before. On the other hand, I know he still had many question marks, will that Canadian girl even remember me after tomorrow? What’s so special about me? Is she playing me? Is she serious? Why me? Does she say this to everyone? Will I see her again?

Just as usual, I waited until he finished work and we went to that park.

I told him that he is the hottest Chinese guy I seen in my life. That’s so freakin gay right? I'd usually never say that kind of thing, but I think he deserved to know it and I meant it anyway, so I didn’t see any problems. It’s not as if he’d start running away or play hard-to-get. He’s a genuine person, so I didn’t mind telling him.

I also told him I'd go back to see him in a year or two, but that was only 50% true. I will go back...but maybe not to see him. I want to see him again of course, but I don’t want him to expect too much. I liked him a lot and wanted to stay with him in China...but that’s not possible, I have a life in Canada...so I was kind of scared to deceive him now and also scared to deceive him later, so in the end I decided to not mention the other 50% and it was a mistake...In china, unless you’re an irresponsible person and not scared to deceive people, you would not go out with a person for a few months and break up after you had all your fun…you got to be sure and give your 100%. If you’re not serious and not determined, then better tell the other person from the beginning if you don’t want them to expect too much. I mean…people should be like that no matter where they are in the world, but especially in China I guess. It’s not like America where people marry someone different every month. In my case, I was going to leave in a few hours ...but I felt bad for telling him that I’ll go back...I was caught in the moment. He probably assumed it will be for him even if I didn't say it. Then he said he will wait for me. Waww...that sounded like one of the lines in those cheesy movies. Honestly, I don't know if I believe him and he probably felt the same way...but that's not important because I was happy to hear it, so I don't think it's necessary to think that far or to scrutinize anything.

Oh and he reminds me of my dad...weird huh? You know...the stubborn type...but my dad treats my mom pretty well.

After a while, I had to leave because I had to go back to the campus to take the bus at 9 to shanghai and I didn't even pack up all my stuff. It was a mess in my head...you got to a new place far from home, you made new friends, you got attached to people you like, you got used to your new life, you adapted yourself to a different culture and you love everything about it, but in just a few hours, everything will end. How would you feel? It's not like going to cuba for 2 weeks. I tried to not think to much…

Back to the dormitory, I left a message to Kevin just to say thanks/sorry and a present I bought for him in Xitang. I went to Xitang on the second day I met him, and I bought a present for him because I knew we would become close and I knew I’d have to leave someday…On our way to Shanghai, Krystina was crying so badly....and I was just completely blank. The flight was freakin long, anyways don't wanna talk about that.

The first thing that my sister told me when she saw me is..."You look so FOB"... Yeah probably.

I did not call him for a month after I got back to Montreal and I wasn't able to use QQ (chinese msn). Then my friend, who was still in China, told me that he wasn't at SOS anymore when she went back. I was kind of worried because he said he didn't have a place to stay. So I finally decided to call and it said that the number is not registered anymore! I stupidly called more than 20 times just to make sure I understood the message because it was in Chinese. I was worried for him, I was also worried that he lied to me...but that was a minor issue, I was more worried about his safety. That is stupid...what I wanna know that for? I tried contacting John, but he's so weird...and never really answers my question. Actually he did, he said that my barman has a wife and kids. Isn't that stupid to ask people questions to which you are already convinced of the answer? because I don't believe John at all. Even if the barman really lied to me, I'll not be mad because I know his intentions were not bad.

Kevin wrote to me, he's so nice. I thought he would be mad...but he apologized when in fact, it wasn't even his fault. Advice for the boys, always apologize even if it's not your fault...yeah, you might think that's not right and I don't think it's right either, but it always works and it'll make the girl feel lucky and will appreciate you a little more.

One day (after 6 months), I had this brilliant idea to send e-mail to his QQ and it worked! I thought people could only chat with QQ...hey I'm not stupid, it's just that the website is all in Chinese. I was so happy when he replied! He said that he went back to his hometown and did not think that i'd want to talk to him again. Sighhh stupid boy. So we wrote to each other back and forth for a month and he said that he found himself checking his e-mails everyday because of me....That's the first time he tells me how he feels in a more or less direct manner. After I read that, I decided to stop writing back and he stopped as well. It was sudden, but we all knew what was going on....well, I guess he knows that everything is just so pointless and nothing will happen between us. I always do things for no reason or maybe for an answer that I actually don’t want and don’t need. I’m stupid.

I still miss him, and sometimes I'd wonder if my guesses were right, is he mad at me? did he lie to me? does he miss me? but more than that, I just hope he's doing well right now. I'm curious about what's going on with him, but because I want him to be doing well...or to be able to do well someday, I should disappear and stop trying to search for answers I don't need...On my side, I adapted myself back to Montreal again, it wasn't easy like most would think and there are things that will never go back to the way they were before...and that's okay, people change, things change, we change...is there really one thing that will never change in this world? Some people are scared of change and even claim that they will never change...but change is not always bad...in fact change is healthy.

By the way, I'm going back to China next year! I CAN'T WAIT!