Post Break-Up

Finally, he didn't come to bring me my stuff yesterday because he forgot. He always forgets. I still called him just to talk, as a friend, before going to bed. I think this made it easier for me too.

“What are your plans in the future?” I asked him. I was curious.

“I don’t even know. I really don’t,” he answered.

“What would you do if I were with someone else?”

“I would go tell him to treat you right, to not hurt you…”

“You’re stupid. That’s what you’re doing right now. What about you? What do you want in a relationship in general?”

“I can't even think about a relationship now. Maybe I’m not made for this. I don’t know. That’s why we can’t be together now. It’s unfair to you, and to me too.”

 “…but why were you with me then?”

“Because I really like you, I find you funny, open-minded...you're witty and intelligent. I respect that.”

“Are you going to be happier without me?”

“I don’t know, Elaine. But you will certainly be happier without me. Probably not in the next few days…but you know what I mean.”

“I will certainly be happier…”

“You will?”

“Of course. Who would want to be where I’m at now? …to be with someone who doesn’t even know what they want. I hope you know that your indecisiveness is making people’s life hard around you. Breaking up is the best solution only to you, not to me. I think your parent’s divorce really shaped everything. Other than not being together, you don’t see any other solutions. I hope you know that the problem is not actually us, but more like you? ”

“Yes I know, because I don’t know what I want…but I’ve always been like that. I never really knew what I wanted…”

“Are you going to find out one day?...If one day you find out, will you let me know even if I’m already with someone else?”

“That depends on how much you love him…”

“How would you even know that?”

“Okay, I will tell you.”

(...)

“Jonathan…Think about the past few months we had…was it a lot better than before?”

“Yes.”

“…and you remember when we were in the living room arguing because I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend while you didn’t? You said you didn’t want responsibilities and expectations. And look at the past few months, it’s not as bad as you thought…and the future will be different too and probably better…but you will not find out anymore.”

“…but there were still expectations.”

“Without expectations, there are no improvements…”

“We’re fundamentally different, and I’m sure you know there are a lot of compromises between us…”

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Being with someone is to be okay with the fact that things won’t always be easy, and let me tell you this, nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. Also I’m changing for myself, not just for you…those are healthy changes.”

"You actually became a better person...I didn't."

(...)

“The other day, I was an ass. I kept discouraging you, but you really wanted to do it. And you did. I was proud of you.”

“See? I'm always right.” I jokingly said. “Maybe one day, you’ll think of the conversation we had tonight, and you’ll find yourself stupid.”

“Maybe.”

“If that happens, I will forgive you.”

“Ha, I'm laughing through tears now…You know a lot about me. You can see through people… you can see through me, you probably know me better than anybody else, which makes you very addicting. You’re someone I hold dear.”

“I just wish you knew yourself better…”

(...)

“What is it that you always wanted to do but never did?”

“Be a soccer player and play in Europe.”

“Good…”

I asked him questions, I wanted to help him because I care about him and I hope one day, he will know himself better, be proud of himself, the firm decisions he took and the path he chose. His answers still showed so much uncertainty…I think he’ll just have to find out for himself; nobody can think it through for him. And if he doesn’t? Ignorance is a bliss...only when you never wake up. 

We agreed to remain friends, but we will limit our contacts for the next few months and maybe even years. The reason I agreed to remain friends is because I really want to see where he will go with his life...I still have hopes that he will one day grow into the person he will be proud of. He said he will get an education, and get a passport and find a balance in his life...I know he said it in the heat of the moment, and he knows too. Planning is boring but it is half the journey, I said. I hope he will understand.

I'm glad this didn't happen right before my vacations, and especially not after either. 

I have my plane ticket, it's a one-way :)