We texted each other when we were at work, and that’s how it
went.
“J’t'adore.”
“Moi aussi, Elaine. That’s why it’s hard. You are awesome,
but it’s us together…it’s the relationship that is difficult.”
“You thought it was difficult to be with me in the past few
months?”
“It was great. Really great. Except the other day, which is
fine, it can’t always be perfect. Last night though, you were honest in where
you want us to go and I really appreciate that. Like you said, we are different
and have different visions. When we first spoke, you said you wake up with a
goal everyday and press for it. I observe and intervene when I feel I have to.
We have different philosophies you know…You’re travelling, and have travelled.
I have not. I feel behind in some ways in that regard. Also, we put values on
very different things. I know you see it as immaturity…”
“Maybe you haven’t really done what you dreamed of when you
were young, that’s why you’re unable to settle your thoughts now.”
“How come you’re so fuckin smart?”
“Jonathan, you’re always the one who lets go first and I
feel I always have to finds words to convince you to be with me, to carry on.
It really hurts me. This time, if you really think that we shouldn’t be
together, I won’t say anything anymore.”
“ I'm sorry, Elaine, I don’t want to hurt you. I think it’s
better for both of us if we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. I know you don’t
see any other way for us to be together. What you were saying last night really
hit home. I have a lot to do before I'm at your level. Go, be free Elaine.
Don’t hold back. I hope you have no hate for me as you will hold a piece of my
love forever, xx”
Basically, that’s it.
I cried at that very moment, because it's so drastic and I had hopes that he learned something from last time we broke up. It's disappointing. I shouldn't be surprised because realistically, this is what I should've expected. What he said was all so redundant...he's caught in his own misery. I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.
I don’t feel sad as I'm writing this, and I think it’s because I know that the problem is not on me and it not on us either, but on him. Those are problems that will resurface in his life even if it's not with me. Also, rationally, he proved me over and over again that
he’s not the man for me.
When I look back at our relationship, I'm very proud of myself, of what I did, the changes and everything. Before meeting him, I thought it was too late for me. He helped me a lot in becoming a happier person, to trust more, to heal, to grow, to be less selfish...but that was all at the beginning. As much as I want to carry on, it takes two. He's not holding on to us anymore.
He’s supposed to bring me my stuff tonight. I insisted on tonight, because I cannot let this drag any longer.
Not even one more day.