I deserve better

Sometimes, I try too hard for people I like. I want them to like me back, obviously. But whenever they start liking me, I’d ditch them. At the end of the day, all I really wanted is just to prove to myself that I can have whatever I want. That's just very addictive. Even if I sincerely liked them, there will still be that feeling of anger and revenge building up inside me because that would somehow remind me of incidents in the past. However, there are people who seriously never did anything wrong to me, but the fact that they take it as an invitation to be a total ass when I'm nice to them, it makes me want to stab them when they let their guards down. In the end, even if I tried to be honest and nice to them, it still unconsciously becomes acting. I think that’s the primary reason why all my relationships ended with a huge mess and bitter feelings… on their side obviously. On my side, it was like a routine.

The only exception is Kevin. He was honest and never asked me to do anything for him. But I would do anything for him, if he asked. I really would. He is the most generous giver. That meant a lot for me.

My cousin and I were talking about something that I did. It’s nothing so wrong I guess, but I wasn’t totally honest. I will not talk about it in this post. That's not the point. Maybe later.

Me: Am I too mean? Nelson: Well...no you didn’t do anything that wrong. Me: I know but still... Nelson: No don't worry, you're already less mean compared to before. Me: Huh? Before what? Nelson: Before you went to study abroad. Me: I was mean before? Nelson: Haha yeah! Now you're more open.

That assured me that it was the best decision I made. Just to be able to look at my life from far and realise that I can change. People always grow and change for the better. Kevin and many people I met influenced me and helped me become a better person, so I tried to be honest and openhearted to people around me as well. Unfortunately, even if I changed, people around me didn’t change at the same pace as I did. That made me feel like I was a total different breed. What can I do except leaving them behind, right? I'm not going to stoop to their level just to gain their affection. No one will be able to say that I'm being heartless and capricious; I already did what I could. I really tried my best and I have no regrets.

If they want to act like they don't care, just let them. Are you going to let them take you for granted? Are you going to wait until the day they realise what they've lost? If they can't pull their heads out of their ass, I mean what else can you do, right? You tried, now just say "Fuck it". That's the right thing to do.

I just feel like I’m on the right track for something better.
I deserve it.