I originally didn’t want to discuss this because I thought it would seem too dramatic, but it's been causing problems lately.
Jonathan actually wanted to break up with me a few weeks ago, on august 18th to be precise. Is that a little OCD wanting to remember the exact day? His tears were falling like a waterfall as he spoke. It was hard for him to make this decision, I can tell.
I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Maybe because I feel entitled of something?
Maybe because I feel I exert some power over him?
Maybe I don’t like him as much as he likes me?
Maybe I was toying with him?
You know, the truth is that there was probably some of everything.
He once said that he would never give up on me but that night, he explained that he couldn’t see the possibility of carrying on. Even the strongest of the strongest have their limits, I guess? How is someone supposed to deal with so much emotional volatility, right? Maybe we're just incompatible…but if we truly believe in something, would we be able to make this work? Don’t men have the power to shape their destiny and create their relationships?
He insisted on breaking up and for the first time, I was scared to loose him.
Isn't that laughable? And despicable?
He was hoping to remain friends. I refused. "We have to become strangers if we're breaking up," I said. Do you know what the hardest part of moving on is? It's to constantly wonder whether that person might reach out and maybe want us back. If they reach out in the middle of us moving on, all our efforts go to waste. "Is it over?" I asked one more time. "Will you regret? Can we not break up?"
"I don't know. I always feel like I have to please you, to measure up. I have to carefully choose my words to not deceive you. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells," he explained and I immediately understood. I was once in his shoes and I know how hard that is. "Why do you want to be with me?"
"I don't know.” Should there be any reasons when it comes from the heart?
After 4 hours of tearful conversation, he gave me another chance and I was determined to prove him that he made the right decision. I made resolutions; I must not hang up on him and I must not cut him off. I will not leave him in the dark and keep him guessing. I have to embrace the time we share. I have to start believing in him and that we can make it. I really have to resist those temptations to look back on the past; it’s all done and over. I have to move forward.
Is that a false embrace of gravity? Do I love him? I don’t know either.
I went to bed with resolutions and some unanswered questions. The next morning however, I woke up with resentment.
I realized that he’s not really what I thought he was…
He said he likes the good times we spend together but he cannot take the downs anymore.
He said he had to give up on me when he once said he wouldn’t.
He said he wanted to break up but didn’t want to move on…which just doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yes, I know. I wanted to break up at some point as well. The difference is that I never said I wouldn't; I never said I wanted to be with him for a long time nor did I say I would not give up.
I started to regret the things I said the night before. Maybe I should've let this end. In his eyes, we made an improvement and entered a new level of trust...which is the total opposite of the way I feel. I can't really take him seriously anymore.
He invited me to his grand-parents place for his grand-father's birthday and I accepted at first but now...I don't feel like going anymore.
"Why should I go?!" I said. They aren’t my grand-parents; I don't miss them and I got nothing to say to them....but honestly, his aunt is very nice and his grand-mother is so sweet. I like them a lot actually.
“…to be with me?”
Do I even want to be with him anymore? I have a lot of doubts rights now. "I just need time to think through this," I told him. It's been 4 weeks now, and I still haven't yet. We still spend some good times together but from time to time, I feel betrayed.