I got a confession to make. About 6 months ago, I found out that P reads my blog and I have to admit I had difficulties writing things and I would even distort the truth to some extend. So I was thinking; what if I read those posts in the future and start believing in my own lies? What if I don't remember the truth? So I wanted to tell the truth before I forget it. This post will be a long and boring one but it’s important for me to remember.
The truth follows:
I usually don’t know who reads my blog even if there’s a counter. However, one month after I left, I found out that P reads it because of some technical stuff. At first, I tried as much as I could to ignore it and to just write whatever that came out of my mind. The only thing I didn’t want to mention is that the one I missed the most in Montreal when I was away wasn’t my mom, but P. I didn’t want to mention it because I tried to not think about it…but how is that supposed to help if I see P in the stats all the time?
When I came back to Montreal, I started noticing that the more I write about him, the more often he reads…the more he gets obsessed. I didn’t make up shits yet, but I did emphasize on things that didn’t matter to me. I did so because I knew he would be curious about some things in particular…like Bob. Bob is really just like any other guys and I mention him not because he’s more special than the general population. It’s just because he knows P. Indeed, he started checking it every single day. I liked to believe that he cared at least a little about me, but the stats says he’s just a very self-conscious person. From then on, everything I wrote had a purpose and I wrote them knowing that P will read. Sometimes, I'd go "Alright, what am I going to talk about today to entertain him"?
I started to have fewer things to say about him because if there is nothing going on, then I can’t just make things up out of nowhere. So I wrote that post where I said I deleted his number and that I wished he’d call. The truth is that I never deleted his number; I just wanted him to call me. Like I thought, few days later he sent me a text message…supposedly to the wrong person but anyways.
Then there was that post where I was actually mad and I mostly post that shit to make him feel bad…but I didn’t lie in it. 5 minutes after he read it, he indeed texted me to go drink, and I didn’t go and the real reason is that I was really scared to know what he had to say. Long time ago, I remember purposely inviting P on days which I know he was busy because I was scared about…I don’t even know what.
Next, there was that post where I said I went drinking with J at that bar and P was there. Everything is pretty similar to what I wrote, except that it wasn’t exactly an accident. It wasn’t my idea to go there, but I actually saw P before even going inside. I wasn’t surprised or embarassed like I said I was in the post. And I was absolutely not thinking about leaving because all I really wanted to do is to PISS HIM OFF!
The following week, P seemed to be less obsessed over my blog and I was less nervous about it as well... Honestly, seeing J helped me change ideas a little. I don’t like to compare people but I would talk to J the same way I talked to P, and it just didn’t work. J took everything I say seriously and I absolutely don’t understand his jokes. It was funner talking to P. Other than that, J is better than P in so many levels. It’s just that I wasn’t used to that and I still thought a lot about P so I distorted everything about J.
When I said I wasn’t expecting to see him again, I really knew when exactly I will see him. When I said I didn’t want to lie, I never actually meant it. C’mon, you think I’m that innocent or stupid or what? Like, I’ll do whatever I want to do and whatever’s most beneficial for me. At that point, I saw things most clearly and I wasn't expecting anything anymore; I just wanted to make fun of him. So that day, I texted P right after seeing J. P asked me why am I not going out on a Friday night and he thought that I didn't go see J because of what I told him earlier, but I still went. That's the day I was bitchy to J, but it's not totally because I feel bad for lying to P...it's also because I don't know how to be around J. So when he asked, I answered that it’s because I’m a good girl. He probably thought that I was his slave...he really enjoys watching me beg.
It was fun because he thinks he knows everything, but only things I wanted to make him believe. I also thought it was kind of fun to know something that he doesn’t know and to use that to my advantage. There are times he would go on my blog 20 times in 1 day. I always wanted to call him and say “What the fuck dude, are you obsessed to that point?” But he will obviously be humiliated and I didn’t have that kind of intentions yet…but maybe one day if he pisses me off or something...like now.
Deep inside, I really mind that he came to my place for a blowjob. Yes, it’s been a while now, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. I don't know if I'll ever get over that...I don't want to remember all my life. There are only 2 things that make me cry just thinking about it no matter how long it’s been. The first one is when I almost became blind because my dad hit my head against the handrail and told me to die. The second one is whatever happened that day. That I liked him, that he came see me for a blowjob, that I made up excuses for him and that I had to find out that it was definitely for a blowjob and not for me. The worst is that he doesn’t even care enough to understand why I was pissed. He probably doesn’t even know I was pissed and I wasn't only pissed. I can't even describe that. It convinced me that I did right…Like see? You shouldn’t feel bad about anything.
The next day, I was also relieved to finally know the truth and that it was fucked up from the beginning to the end and to understand that he's definitely not my type, maybe physically he is, but that's not what I want. He's the kind of person who's not willing to give unless it is guaranteed that he gets something as valuable in return, not less. Actions can reveal a lot about someone, even very simple ones. When he took so long to reply to my text message just because I took a few hours...that proved that he's calculating. I'm not exactly reputed for being generous either but Kevin was...so that's how things find their balance. I don’t hate him though, because he must have his reasons and I also remember myself wanting to screw him over and I didn’t even know him at that time. I always felt that challenge or maybe secret competition between us. I'm sure he also wanted to screw me over. Even when I knew him better, I still thought about backstabbing him for no reason...but I liked him in a way y'know, which is fucked up. The only time I didn't think about that was probably during those times he came to my place at 4 am, I'm rarely that open to people but I was really open to him and I loved how we talk about all kinds of silly stuff...and then you already know what happened.
All those times I said I’d stop, I actually never meant it and I clearly knew. I always knew that if one day I write a post like that, then it means that I’ve moved on for real. So that was the purpose of this post. It's never so clear and straightforward and even now, I really don't know what and why exactly and I can't gurantee that everything I say in this post is 100% true either...but there is no point in finding out anymore. Yes it was fun to provoke him, but I will never be able to live if I don’t leave the lies behind. I can't think about him anymore. I screwed up with Kevin because of the past and I'm not even friends with J anymore and I will continue to screw everything up if I don't stop. It's like a cycle that repeats itself and I have to let go now. I have to let go of all the bad...and the good too and not be so stubborn anymore.
That’s all!