I found him on a dating website, so I asked him about it. He said it was because I'm always meeting up with strangers for hiking. Why does he have to sign up on a dating website because I'm hiking with strangers? It doesn't make sense. I'm actually only interested in hiking and not in meeting guys. I always tell him about it and even invite him to come with me...he refuses all the time. He couldn't really give me an honest answer to my question...and he answered a lot of questions with brief explanations and a "whatever". Knowing him so well, "whatever" and "anyways" usually mean that he's hiding something. I don't have any proof, and I do believe that he never cheated on me...but what are his intentions now?
Honestly, last time he broke up with me, he also signed up on a dating site a few weeks before we actually broke up, which is why I keep "spying" on him. When we just met, he talked to girls on facebook about how he was not serious about us...Yes, I'm a snooper and I sound crazy now...but do you imagine if I wasn't? I would have never known all of this, like a dumbass. He asked me to trust him, and I'm like...why? Based on what he has done? Or based on what he said he will do? Because he never gave me a reason to trust him, although I see improvements in him...but is this enough?
I asked him to either do something to prove that I can trust him, or we're breaking up. He said he didn't know what to do, so I asked him to post a picture of us on facebook. He said that he will not do it because he thinks I'm giving him an ultimatum. Now, I'll have to sound a little childish and talk about facebook, but you will understand why later. A couple of months ago, he put his relationship status to private. Whenever I tagged pictures of him, he would never accept. I eventually let it go, even if it didn't feel right. I completely agree that there's no need to advertise on facebook, but hiding on purpose is a different story. In other words, not advertising is not a synonym of hiding. I said he can do something else if he doesn't want to post pictures, but he has to think about it, and if that takes too much effort then, it's fine, we'll break up. Does he really want to break up?
He asked me if I saw us getting married...I said no, how? What did he ever do to make me think that we can be living together? In the end, he agreed that we shared great times together, but I will not be happy in the long-run. "This relationship is not good for you in the long-run" he said.
I was so sad after we broke up. It was 2 years and a half that we spent together. I miss him so much. I think about, a few days ago, we were lying there just staring at each other, how I can be so comfortable and ugly in front of him. I miss him. How did things end so fast? At the thought that I would never be able to hold him again made me want to call him right away. My rational side tells me that I really shouldn't though.
I went to eat something to change my thoughts a little, hoping that nobody will see my puffy eyes. When I came back, I went on that dating website again. I typed in his username...and I tried a password that he tends to used and modified it a little...and magically, it worked. I started reading his messages to find out what the hell he has been up to. He has been on that website for 1 week...and let me quote some of the things he said to other girls.
"I'm looking for a cool chick to hang out. No commitment."
"Yes, I'm still in a relationship, but it's on and off...so I'm here to see what's available."
"I know what you're looking for. A pig penis..."
He even gave his number to one of the girls and asked her to check out his pictures on facebook. You see? I should've trusted my instincts. As childish as it is, even if it's just facebook, there's a reason for everything. Additionally, we're in 2013 and facebook is unfortunately real life; what we choose to post is what we're trying to project to others. I instantly regretted us. I'm glad I made that decision. I really cannot believe why...I'm still very sad that he lied to me...I'm almost losing hope in the male species, but that sounds too dramatic. He even asked me to move in with him and whether we saw each other married? It doesn't make sense!
He texted me this...
If it was before, I would never have said anything so mean and childish like "Go fuck yourself", but seriously, I'm fed up.
Maybe I deserved this...because I was not 100% into him? That was still 2.5 years we spent; we definitely had something, it was certainly not all lies, it was not wasted and I still miss him of course...but it seems like we're not meant to be.
I will be okay.