I feel homesick these days. It's not that there is something I miss about Montreal, except maybe my bed. It's because I have health issues and I'm really worried (it's not the infection)...I don't really know what to do. It's hard. It's hard to not be able to tell anyone. Everyone here wants to have fun, who wants to be bothered with your problems. No one wants to care. I wouldn't care if it's not because I know that some people care. And because those people care, I can't tell them either. How would I dare to make them worried. I just can't tell anyone. Sometimes I really wonder what I'm living for. How can someone that detached from life still be living. I tried to think of something I miss in Montreal, and all I can think of is my bed and Mcdonald's poutine...which I probably can live without. The worst is whenever someone asks me what I like to do...I never know what to answer because I don't have anything to answer...and that's when I feel most stupid. I do love myself, but I don't know in what sense, because I don't think I'll even be sad for myself if anything bad happens to me. I only take care of myself because I don't want to make my parents worry. I'm at school because my parents expect a lot from me. There is nothing I love in montreal, but I still live there for my parents. I do things wrong and I don't need to face anyone but my parents. Can you believe? I always thought I lived for myself until today, because I'm not scared of dying and I won't feel sorry, I'm just scared that parents will be sad for someone like me. It's weird to say this but honestly, my friends and boyfriend can live without me, and I could live without anyone, but my parents can't live without me.
Sometimes I wished they didn't care...so I won't need to care either.