Kevin called this morning but I was busy so I told him to call back at 7. So he called again at precisely 7. That’s what I like. He never plays any games with me and if he doesn’t call at 7, then I know he really have something urgent and he's certainly not trying to make me nervous. He told me that he’s in the hospital and asked me to visit him this weekend. I really don't know why he's at the hospital because my chinese seriously sucked and he forgot his english, damn it. The hospital he stays at is almost on the other side of the world. Am I really going there just to see him?
This is wrong isn’t it?
There is this thing about me that is inexplicably wrong. It’s that curiosity about how bad things can turn out to be. Not how good they can be, but how bad. Actually, It’s not plain curiosity…it’s that eagerness do things wrong just to find out what it would be like and I can’t be satisfied if there is still something not yet destroyed. Then I feel bad about it, but it secretly feels kind of good…because it’s more human-like? There are too many times I could just sit there, cross my arms, shut my mouth and everyone will be happy in their status quo, but I won’t. I can’t stop until I hit my face on somewhere and whenever I forget how bad that hurt, I’ll start over again. I know I made enough mistakes because of that, but I’d still be wondering what would’ve happened if I didn’t… Maybe I’m bored, really. I don’t know why.
I want to be nice to him but that’s being mean at the same time. Kevin is not like any other guys I meet in a club and that’s why I can’t treat him like those assholes. However, the truth is that the assholes are probably better off…because they don’t care? but Kevin’s like my family, he cares about me the way my parents would and he will make decisions for me the way my parents would as well. Maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, but I absolutely love him more than anything and I care about him. Should I pretend I don't know him? I'm lucky to be able to see that there are good people like him in this dirty world. He is innocent, but way stronger than I am, because he was never brainwashed by all the nasty influences. He's the kind of guy I should be with, but there are too many things that happen for no reason, too many things that doesn’t happen even if you try hard, you can’t choose and can’t control...even if you think you're an exception. This is wicked. I feel like as if I’ve chosen to be a piece of trash when I could’ve been a princess.
I shouldn't’ve given him my number.
I don’t want to see him because it won’t do him any good and it will only bring more headaches...maybe he knows too. It would simply be easier if I don’t reappear in the context, but I always end up doing what I should never do because I'm too stupid. I could be smarter, but I choose to be stupid. I don’t want to upset him for anything in the world but that already happened and it might happen again. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing or saying…it’s like a disease to me. I feel like I’m trying to believe that I care…as if I need to prove something to myself. I miss him, but I also miss the way someone cares about me without all those evil intentions.
I don't know why I talk so much, because I already know what I will do. I could pretend I lost my phone, I could pretend that I'm sick, that I broke a leg, that I forgot, that I'm busy, that my dog died...but I obviously won't.