Alex wrote me saying that he misses me, trying to justify what had
happened, insisting that we make a good team and wants me back.
All
this is so predictable and repetitive, and I'm so fed up with this kind
of on and off relationship, and just relationships in general. It seems
like I've been through this so many times. It's strangling me. Thinking
about being with him feels like a huge rock pressing on my chest. I
don't want to go through this anymore.
...but the
funny thing is, I don't really remember how it was to be with him. Was I
happy? or was I just trying to be happy? Were we really a good team? or
were we just trying? I'm not so sure anymore. Things can change in an
instant, but I'm used to it now. I feel so detached.
Maybe that was a lesson. Sometimes, I look at him, and I think of Patrick...and I wished it was actually Patrick. There's a difference between knowing someone and knowing about someone. I knew facts about Patrick, but I don't really know him, and I shouldn't be obsessed about him or even wonder what-if...and even if we dated, we could have incompatible personalities. He could've been anybody, he could've been Alex, and we would end up the same way.
To be honest, maybe I was also influenced by other people's words. My friends told me that they'd feel used if they had to drive a guy around all the time. My mom didn't really approve of me dating a Quebecois, saying we don't share the same values. It didn't do anything when they said that, but after a month...it kind of got me. It suddenly really bothered me. Maybe I was trying to see past those things all along...but I couldn't.
I don't have the energy to respond, I just blocked him.
I know it's mean but, I don't even have the energy to give a fuck about that.