A month and a half ago when I was in Vientiane, I received an e-mail from Jonathan. It said in the e-mail that he wanted to write to me at the 45 day mark but he couldn't wait. He thinks about me and cannot replace that hole where I used to be and hopes that I think about him as well, which is stupid because we broke up. He should wish that I don't think about him, right? Also, he really wants to see my picture because he misses me and my smile and blah-blah-blah. I was so sad to read his e-mail, but why? I can't remember anymore...I guess I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and I think he's interfering with my life in a way.
So one night, instead of going out to bowling with people I newly met, I wrote back to him. I told him that I'm not quite sure why he wrote me that e-mail. "Are you looking to confirm something? Or are you looking for attention? Didn't we agree that you'll only contact me when you'll figure out what you want? What you've chosen is; to not be with me, so that means that I will move on, find someone who knows what they want, and you should wish that for me as well...It makes me sad to write you this, because I know you might be hurt to read this, but what you're giving me now is more confusion." And I told him that he needs to grow up because that e-mail is simply proving me that he doesn't know what he wants. I don't see the point of it at all, because everything was said and done in the clearest way when we broke up. It showed me that he cannot assume the consequences of his own decisions so he just takes bits of things he rejected. That's so mediocre...
He wrote back again, telling me that I cut into him, even if I actually tried to be gentle with my words. I can tell he was trying to sound joyous, and it felt seriously awkward to read him.
"Am I hurt that you are making an effort to move on? Of course it's hard to hear sweetheart, but I knew it, and I accept it and I certainly do not hate you for it, it is my doing in the end and I do wish only the best for you..
Grow up and have things figured out? Yes, I'm really working on it. I'm realizing a lot in your absence, both your physical and emotional absence I mean, maybe this pressure is what I need...
I read that letter that you left me now and then, (well all your letters but especially the last one), and I consider that what you write you truly meant, and I want to be that person you secretly hope I become...
Do not be confused...go forth. It's up to me to show you what I am, what I hope to be, what I've done etc...
I want you to think about us and smile...:D Think about the stupid moments like when you try to put your finger where it doesn't belong lol. I'm sure we'll talk, of course I want to pick you up when you return! (plus you owe me parking money lol)"
Sometimes, I know my words cut, but I'm glad he's not the type that gets offended or talks back. He just talked about how I once mentioned that a certain company was good business, and he met with the owner and talked about opening a franchise. I have no idea how true that is, but who cares. I answered by congratulating him that he's making some progress.
Since then, he would write to me every few days just to tell me he's thinking of me, and I would sometimes write about my trip. I can't tell if I'm bored or if I actually want to talk to him, quite honestly. I guess it's always been that case with him; it's mainly about companionship and comfort...and the idea of being with someone new is just repugnant. Am I crazy? or just picky, maybe?
One day in China, I wrote him a poem, just for fun.
"Ma pute qui pue,
Et qui est poilu,
Et qui habite sur la rue,
Quand tu es nue,
J'ai envie de te manger cru."
He wrote a poem back, but it isn't as good as mine, so I won't post it.
Then, one day, he asked me to write him something sweet...and that's when I stopped answering him. Let's say I recommended him a movie to watch; he would tell me that he wants to watch it with me when I come back, because nothing is funnier than watching my reactions when watching movies. He would also talk about how Johnny is his enemy because Johnny likes me, but dude, why do you care about Johnny? He was obviously expecting me to tell him that I missed him, and I can't wait to see him..and where's the point in that? And honestly, I didn't even miss him. I was basically just talking to him like I would talk to a friend, but he would always write about how much he misses me, etc. When I wrote that poem, I was just having a good laugh by myself; it's nothing serious.
Anyways, I'm sleepy now. I will continue my story later when I have time. I even feel bad to talk about him, it's been so long, and I'm sure everyone who's reading this is rolling their eyes.
How am I going to name that post? Hmm...let's say, the confused man saga.