Last time that we almost broke up, he gave me his password like I said, but he later changed it. That was completely fine because I don’t want to always keep an eye on his life either. However recently, my sixth sense’s telling me that he’s definitely hiding something. I took a wild guess and asked him as in "I already know" and not as in "I'm not sure"...and since he thought I already knew; he admitted it. He didn’t give me any reasons but instead, accused me to be hiding something. So typical of him.
Last night, I logged on his facebook at his place while he was watching TV and read his messages. I saw that conversation with a Latvian girl. He was basically talking about how crazy I am and that last time we fought, I threw his clothes and stuff everywhere...which isn't true at all. I never touched his stuff; I only packed mine and got the fuck out. Why would he say such thing to that girl, seriously. I don’t understand.
"It's true that I think you're crazy, but that's part of the reason why I like you. And yes, I added a bit to the story...but it's nothing, I swear," he said.
Yes. I know I'm defintely a bit crazy, but he said it in a bad way. I don't think he would say this to his male friends, but he said that to that Latvian girl. He talked to me about her before; he once was so infatuated with that girl. I think she was very special to him, which I can understand, because I, myself, share some special connections with other people…but I don’t talk bad about him to impress them.
I didn't know what to do and didn't want to overreact...and I don't even know if I'm the only one who sees the problem?
Then today, he messaged me on facebook while I was at work.
Jonathan: I went on my settings and you can see everything.
Me: Whatever. Since you got so much to hide, I'll just unfriend you.
Jonathan: Everything you saw was not meant to be hidden obviously, you have my stupid password.
Me: I don't have your stupid password and you obviously deleted things that you wanted to hide already.
Jonathan: Who's the one that has something to hide? By the way, you're the one who blocked me from your pictures. ** We're not even talking about the same thing right now. My pictures don't involve any other dudes, y’know. Also, I didn’t just block him specifically. See? He chose to turn the focus on me.
Me: Ok anyways, we should break up. ** I didn’t want to say this, but I’m done with fighting all the time. I thought that conversation was very stupid. I’m always so happy to see him every time but we always leave each other with either anger, tears, or without a word.
Jonathan: You know it sucks, but I agree.
So after work, he called. I didn’t answer. So he texted me this…
Jonathan: I just wanted to say that it affects me a lot that we're breaking up and I hope there's no bad blood. I loved you a lot, Elaine. Bye.
Jonathan: PS Fuck you for making me cry right now.
Jonathan: Do you still want your shoes and stuff?
Me: Yes
Jonathan: You want to come now?
Me: Okay.
Jonathan: Do you really want to break up? It's really childish if it’s just for that.
Me: It's not childish, I don't trust you anymore.
Jonathan: You should have a little faith in me, I never thought of cheating on you. Anyways, you can come now.
When I got there, it smelled like weed in his house. He already had all my stuff laying on the table for me and didn't say anything to stop me. I had my sunglasses on and didn't even look at him directly in the eyes once. I just took my stuff and left.
It's so crazy. Yesterday, we were so happy together and I even gave him a picture frame and now, we're not together anymore. I always knew that I'd eventually give him away.
I talked to Sang after that. Sang and I used to stay up late to talk on the phone before. Sang is someone I feel I can talk to. I don’t feel that way about a lot of guys. We’re not particularly close however, but I guess that’s also why I can tell him everything.
Sang: You don't like him anymore or something?
Me: I was never in love with him, but I do like him a lot.
Sang: Liking is not enough at your age. It's gotta be like...you gotta be blown away, so go and let someone blow you away! FIND HIM!
Me: Nah, I don't think that will happen to me.
Sang: Don't be gay man, seriously you’re not optimistic sometimes.
I didn't cry and I'm not particularly sad, but I do miss him and I wish I could call him to talk right now. I came home and I took a nap. I thought about all the time we spent together and the things he said. I kind of hope he would call me too. I have no idea why…I get mixed feelings. A part of me misses him and the other part feels relieved. This time, I pushed him so far that I don't think he will come back.
He really did a lot for me…more than anybody. I'm so thankful I met him and it makes me want to cry because I know it will be hard to find someone who's that nice to me…and maybe I never will.