Life must me lived forward, but it can only be understood backwards...so I go backwards and take a trip to myself.
♥♥♥
TJ wrote to me saying that he might visit Montreal but I will be away unfortunately :(
TJ is not that much older but he is very wise; perhaps one of the wisest I've met. He has an interesting approach to perceive his surroundings and life in general; it captivated me. I remember how I gave a great deal of thoughts to our conversations because he’s the exact kind of person who could give you some meaningful insights...
There's a question that's been bothering me lately. Mirlaine came to my place earlier this week; we talked about how we used to act so playful, cute and lovely to everyone. However deep inside, we really didn’t care about anyone and wouldn’t mind breaking anyone’s heart; we only wanted everything for us. It's shallow but the worst is that guys would buy that. Even now, some of those guys I dated years ago still call me sometimes trying to get back with me.
...but now, I just constantly have something mean to say and wear that bitch-face permanently. I can't even say anything like "I miss you" and I don't know how to compliment people either. Even when I try hard to be nice, patient and all that, I just can't; something blocks me.
When I first met TJ, I was rude to him and said loads of hurtful words even when I cared about him. It was the first time I noticed that strange comportment. I thought that it was a phase; all I needed was perhaps just some time to heal, right? As time goes by, and it's been over a year now, I realized that nothing changed. Maybe time isn't always the solution to everything? "Do you think I have a problem?" I finally asked him.
I know. Did I just sound so insecure?
He got back to me with another message. "You're a sweet heart softy[...] I think you're pretty sensitive person even though you don't like to admit it [...] You probably learned to try to block some of those emotions with negativity, or pushing people away. etc. It's natural to want to protect yourself and actually, it can be very subconscious" he wrote. When I finished reading this, I smiled. For once, someone didn't use the word "complicated" or "monster" to describe me. Don't we all want to be understood once in a while? When we were abroad, he once told me that we're alike in many ways, which I didn't acknowledge back then, but now I can see why. It feels good to know that someone actually understands me.
I played a game about self-knowledge with someone recently; it's called the cube. Basically, one person asks you to describe a cube, a horse, a storm and a ladder. They all represent different aspects related to yourself. The interpretation of the given descriptions can be a great way to learn about each other.
This is what I came up with:
(The ladder and the horse will not be discussed in this post.)
The interpretation of the cube is quite interesting; it represents myself and as you see, I drew a very small one in the perspective of the scene. "How can someone with a big ass ego like you draw such a small tiny cube? You don't look like a humble person at all..." that someone said. He’s right; everyone knows that I'm too far from being humble. On the other hand, I do recognize that I'm just a little being in this big world. This is probably why I drew a small cube; I don't believe I'm significant enough to exercise any influence over people in any way nor do I want to. I'm very ordinary; I care about a few people who mean a lot to me and I simply want to be happy. The cube I drew is abstract and has a uniform blue color. I read somewhere that blue symbolizes wisdom, loyalty and confidence.
As for the storm, it represents my current problems and my attitude towards them. My storm is a tornado. It's far away in the background; it's not moving towards me but I can see that it's there. Since it's in the background, the problem itself doesn't appear to have any significant effect on my life. In the case it does, it means that my attitude could be a factor. In fact, there are times I catch myself not wanting to heal...
As much I would like to blame others, I won't. I forgive everyone including myself. I will accept the responsibility for my own abandonment. "Change is an action; it has to be actively pursued for it to occur. I don't know if I'd call it a problem, but if you feel like it's negatively affecting your life, then you should do something to change it." TJ reminded me today. I will remember this as I make another attempt to change for the better. Never underestimate someone’s capability to change; it's the whole point of life to change and grow. This time however, I won’t rely on time because nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.
Loving like you've never been hurt is not easy at all, but nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy.