I bump into my neighbor David today. You know how we talk about everything because we're pretty close. I told him about Renan and that I don't know if I should just have sex with him. So, he told me that he used to be very conservative but now, he just does whatever he feels like doing and tries to enjoy the moment, which is the total opposite of what happened to me. That made me think about the person I used to be; the one who used to live life on the edge. I were stupid and irrational but I were much more happier. I don't remember how I became that boring person I am today. Just suddenly, I became so scared because I've gone too far and fell off the edge maybe. David told me to not try to control my feelings because I'm not a robot and it wouldn't be normal even if I were able to do that. Just enjoy the moment, he said.
I also remember how I always screw everything up to the last piece with every guy I meet just to regret and swear I will let go of everything, break the cycle and start anew...but I never did. I thought it would be that easy and I didn’t realize that it does take a lot of courage and effort. I guess it’s still a good thing that I at least realize what was going on but now, it's about time I find the courage.
So I got there, at Renan’s place, we were lying on his couch. He was telling me that I'm someone who gives their 100% in everything they do and he saw that passion in my eyes the first time he saw me. He saw it because he's a passionate person as well. It sounds so cute but I couldn't help but wonder if he said that to get laid. One thing for sure, I will never believe anything a guy says 30 minutes before and after sex; it never counts.
We started making out in his bedroom and he was dirty talking and I'm not really into that, haha. Then he was like "do you want to suck my big fat cock"?...When he said that, I burst into tears again. I know! This is the second time I cry in front of him. I really didn't want to cry because I know it is annoying when a girl doesn’t use her tears at the right timing...but I just couldn't hold it. What a baby right? He obviously lost his patience and left the room.
He came back few minutes later with tissues and asked me why. He thought it was his fault. I told him that every time he mentions the word "blowjob", it'd make me think about that guy who came to my place for a blowjob and how it traumatized me. I repeated three times before he understood what I was trying to say because I was crying so badly. There are lots of assholes who did things that are way worst but I never cared about any of them because I treated them like objects too and there were no feelings involved.
He even asked me if I were a virgin because he never had so much trouble with a girl. I think it would have been easier if he didn't say anything so cute and sweet because I'm just so horrified at the idea that he might be trying to mess with my mind and turn me into his slave. If he just said "Hey Elaine, I just want to fuck and then you can go home" instead, I think I would have done it with him already.
I was really in dilemma. I tried to think about the conversation I had with David earlier, I thought about the person I used to be; that carefree and happy girl and I thought about everything I’ve learned. I really want to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk. So finally, I decided to follow my heart.
But guess what…
Right after we had sex, he asked if I wanted to have a threesome; me, him and another girl. I said no. So, he started explaining why it will be such a good idea for me and of course, he has to precise that it's for me…when in fact it’s mainly for his own enjoyment. If it were really for me; it would be 2 guys and me, y’know. He was telling me how it could be a great experience and blah-dee-blah. He was looking at me with his intense green eyes, telling me some cute stuff and how he’ll make me squirt and that we'll do it regularly, ha. I was thinking...regularly? Please dude, I don't even know if I'll see you again. Okay now, Elaine, don't believe one word he says, he just fucked you and now he will try to lure you into the fuckfriend thing.
Obviously, I became a bit cranky. He really thinks I’m that innocent just because I’m 10 years younger. He even said that if he didn't get anything out of me by the third time, he'd lose his patience...which means that I have to keep that guy sexually happy if I want something more. Pretty dumb.
When I think about what happened that night again; all the hints tell me that he wants a fuck friend. He always talks about how he wants to do this and that with me, but I really don't believe a word. And there's always something he has to mention about his ex-girlfriends, it annoys me! It's like…everyone has ex’s and no one cares about them. He told me I should work in a strip club....Oh and he also told me that if a guy asks me to go for coffee with them, I should not act so stuck up and go with them and see where it might lead to. What the fuckin fuck! Everything tells me that he only wants sex.
He was all like "you never had a big dick like mine, huh"? I didn't even answer him because the truth is that, I had, ha. That guy really has a big ego...just like me. He thinks he's that smart and brags whenever he can. Anyways, boys...let them win, right?
Then yesterday, I was logged on facebook while I were in class and he asked for naked pictures and that we should "hook up" this week and that I should "cum" over his place and blah blah blah. He always makes comments on my ass such as "I appreciate the finest things in the world and your ass being one of them", he probably only likes my ass. Sometimes I feel like asking him "dude, is my ass the only thing you ever see”?!
...am I thinking way too much?
You know how they always say that whatever doesn’t destroy you makes you stronger? But what makes you stronger doesn't necessarily make you happier. What they should say instead is whatever doesn't destroy you makes you more insensitive, so you won't feel it as much next time you get hurt and you’ll eventually become numb if you repeat that too many times...which also means that it'd be harder to find something that will make you happy. And you know what? I don't want to be numb. I want to be happy and I don't care if I get hurt again because I already got hurt everywhere anyways, there's nothing Renan can do to hurt me anymore.
I like his personality and I like what he does. There's a little part of me that hopes that it will turn out to be great, that he didn't lie to me and that I thought too much. I don't know him enough to make a clear decision right now but like I said, I’ll take that risk. Progress always involves risk. I'll continue to have fun with him and I’ll turn my brain off; I won't analyze anything, I won't hold prejudices against him and that also means that I won't believe a word he says until I find something that I can base my trust on. And I mean a real gesture...not just words that aren't worth anything.
If I find myself starting to fall in love before I find that base, I'll just say goodbye before it's too late. You know I'm capable of doing that. I learnt from him that if you want to stay alive, you'll always have to constantly imagine all the possible scenarios when you're riding and have an exit plan ready in case shit happens. An exit plan, eh? He always tells me how good he is at anticipating things, so if he can't anticipate that then...too bad!
For now, I'll enjoy the moment.