Then he texted me the following:
Oh and his name is Renan.
Renan: Hey sexy thang! It's Renan. Tomorrow, I'll take you for a ride after class **Again, he did not ask whether I want to go for that ride or not...
Me: Yay! See you tomorrow!
Renan: Must say...you got an amazing ass, miss. Can't wait to see it proped up on my backseat!
Me: Dang, you check out my ass during class?! lol
Renan: I had to pinch myself a few times to get refocused :P Your next step, get yourself a pair of tight white pants...you're going to drive me nuts. **Yuck, what kind of girls wear white pants?!
Haha, isn't he so direct and honest?! I like that.
I like the fact that he never really asks me whether I want it or not; isn't that so manly? He's such a decisive big man that it makes me look like a little girl in front of him. He's so wise that I never bother arguing with him because I know he's right. Also, he's 10 years older than I am and he seems to have done so much in his life; there's a lot I can learn from him. I know many people his age who haven't accomplished shit yet and are still at school. Maybe it's also because he started off being my instructor so I still have that impression that we're in such position where I need to shut up and listen because he has "authority"? It just feels funny.
Then today after class, we went for that ride! Sometimes, he would grab my legs, once again, without my permission.
Me: Can you stop touching my legs?!
Renan: I won't stop, so what are you gonna do?
Me: Hit you.
Renan: Do it. **%^#@%^%!
Honestly, it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. On the other hand, I really love how he doesn't hesitate and knows exactly what he wants and he just goes for it. We arrived at his place for a drink; he lives in a nice condo, well-decorated and clean. I must say I was impressed.
We had a beer, talked for a bit and he wanted to kiss me but I pushed him away. "Not comfortable yet?" he asked. Eventually, I just let him. A bit later, we went for lunch together because he said that if we stay longer in the room, he would rape me haha. We came back in his condo and started kissing again. I can tell he was into it but me, all I were really thinking about is how maybe that guy only wants sex. I really didn't want to and I told him clearly. When he tried to go further, I told him to stop and he replied that he doesn't like "stops", ha. Since he is so direct, he asked for a blowjob.
When he said that, I started crying right in front of him. I were already feeling a bit pushed around when he kept trying to go further but when he said the word "blowjob", it reminded me of someone and some incidents that I should've forgotten by now. It's stupid how it's been over a year ago, but I still remember everything; how one little careless thing he said back then made an irreversible impact in my life. I feel helpless not knowing whether I'll ever get over craps that no ones cares about. What if that happens again? What am I going to do to not affect people who will come into my life? I really don't know.
Renan: Tell me what happened...
Me: Nothing.
Renan: There must be something and I can help you.
Me: No!
Renan: You're making things complicated now.
I always knew how I make things complicated, but that guy had the guts to tell me right in my face that I'm complicated and that I'm fucking things up. The word "complicated" made me want to tell him everything, so I did because maybe it doesn't have to be that complicated?
RenanThat guy is a douchebag
Me: He's not...
Renan: He's not?!
Me: He probably thinks I'm a slut too, y'know.
He told me that I need to forget about that person and I can do that because now, I can start a blank sheet with him and that I can color on it however I want it. Then he was just hugging me, kissing me, trying to make me stop crying, telling me that I could just tell him everything directly. I thought he was so sweet but I've seen so many sweet talkers already, I know what's that all about; an elaborate scheme to get laid. What if one day, I find out that everything he said was bullshit? I want to believe him but I'm second-guessing everything he tells me. I want to be honest but I'm on my guard all the time...How can I not be anyways?
I like his personality but we're pretty different; he's just a simple guy who wears his heart on his sleeves and I’m that sceptic, stubborn and complicated girl who doesn't know how to express herself. We're different but he sees through me. At the same time, I don't think he's patient enough for someone like me who needs more time.
I feel like I'm writing all of this just to convince myself that it's a bad idea so I won't be deceived later. I like to think that this whole thing is just dangerous, and that he’s probably a scumbag like the rest of them, and that actions speak louder than words, and that I have reasons to have my guard up. Then at the same time, I really wish it could rush into things and be able to enjoy that while it's still here. I want to be happy and be able to tell everyone that it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and make everyone jealous.
Finally, I stopped crying...
God, I probably looked horrible.
Me: Are my fake eyelashes falling off?
Renan: No...and stop being sad for him, you didn't miss anything because now, you have that. **And he showed me his dick, haha.
Did I just over-analyzed everything?
He said I can call him anytime if I want to talk, hang out or anything...but I think I'll wait a bit. I need some time to think about all of this and make a very clear decision before I see him again.
PS.: By the way...he's got a big one!