Two days ago, I asked him, Jon, if he wanted to watch a movie and he gave me three explanations when I didn’t even ask, without actually saying no. You know what that means? It means it's a cover-up, and he doesn't say no because he might need me one day. I know those tricks better than anybody.
I remember he once said that he’s a tell-it-as-it-is person and would appreciate others to do the same. I'm the kind of person who cannot go with the flow. I wasted a lot of time already and I can’t permit myself to hesitate anymore. He will make my life miserable if I have to find out later. So I asked him one last time.
“I don't know, I have been thinking about it a lot I guess. I like you, I really do. I guess I just don't think we really have that much in common... I'm sorry if this came off as me playing mind games. You're a great girl I just think I might not be the right guy for you.” He said.
I see a lot of hesitation in those words...I guess, I might, I think...
...and I really don’t want to have to convince him to be with me if he doesn't want to. It just makes no sense if I had to persuade him.
I'm pretty sure if I ask anybody how they remember their first love, they'd tell me it was blind, unreasonable and against the rules, but it was passionate. The things that remain due to agreement in opinion are never as unrelenting as the things that persist through divergence of opinion and differences...and passion derives from the residual that survive those differences. We often ask ourselves if we can fall in love again and on the very first day I met him, I told him that he can love many people in his life but, he can only fall in love once. Mostly because true love only comes with true hurt, which forces us to set subconscious rules and to open both eyes and maybe a third one that keeps up from falling again.
I think it might have to do with a person’s attitude towards his destiny. A person who believes that destiny is pre-planned for them, will likely think that soulmates are born. While people, like me, who believe they have power to shape their destiny, will tend to believe that soulmates are made. I believe that differences can be overcome only when there is hard of work, mutual understanding and accommodation.
By the way, I love this song, it reminds me of me, ha.
But wait, now how long could this take?
It's hard to find a man, when you're gone before he wakes.
They say it's hard to achieve, but can't a girl believe?
I can see that we’re obviously not compatible after he said that. We're different kinds of people at the very base level. I also don't really get the vibe that he likes me, if he does then I don't think he likes me for the right reasons. I always seem to attract the wrong kind of attention, you know what I mean.
He said that we can still be friends but, I’m not too fond of that idea. It's like another way to say maybe someday but not today. Only today is certain and that's the only day I want to seize. Most people aren't able to live by that until the day before the very end, so I don't want to let myself think there's a possibility of a "someday". I told him that I cannot keep in touch with him; we’ll have to be strangers until we die. Not that I'm bitter and I do think he's a great guy too but, I just like things to be clear-cut, sure and certain...just trying to save myself from headaches, I guess?
So yes, that's all. To be honest, I'm a bit sad and deceived, but life goes on.
I kissed a frog and it didn't turn into a prince. End of the story.
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So I'm moving on now and it means what it means. The other day, Jon asked if I were still talking to Med, the guy I went skating with. I told him that I wasn't, which was true at the time I said it and I wasn't planning to talk to him again either…until today obviously. So I decided to ask Med if he wanted to hang out because I was bored at home. Med said that I have those dark mysterious eyes that can see through bullshit, haha.
"Day was long though, so I'm leaning more towards larva than humans as far as behaviour right now" he said. At least, he doesn't have three different explanations.
"Hey seriously, you want to see me again or not?" I asked, tired of talking.
"I do," he replied. "I'd like to get to know you better."
"Then take me out this week," I said. I'm so bossy, ha.
"I have an idea!" he said, excited. "Are you free next Monday or Wednesday? I'll take you out for drinks!"
"Haha, that was your idea?" I asked. He usually has original ideas.
"Well, it's part of it," he replied. "If we still like each other at that point, I'll ask you if you want to come with me to the country house next week-end. There's a nice view, it's still wintery and there is an outdoor spa!"
Oh my god, isn't that cool?...well, if that isn't a lie of course. I like guys that are straightforward like him. It's so manly, hehehe.