Last time, I drowned him with tears like I said and he even asked me to punch him because he grabbed my boobs. All that awkward drama happened on the first date already. Then, he texted me a message saying that he's guessing that I probably don’t want to see him again. So, I felt like he didn’t want to see me again but to not feel bad about himself, he decided to put those words in my mouth instead, you know what I mean?
…but then, I figured he’s not smart enough to play with words like that. I didn’t want to waste my time guessing so I decided to text him back to make sure I understood correctly. And he didn’t answer me.
I probably interpreted it that way because I expected it. I know it's not easy to open a closet and not being sure a monster won’t jump out. I expect people to turn their back on me if they knew about my disgraceful past. I expect people to be selfish and opportunistic.
Two days later, I asked him on facebook why he didn’t answer my text. Like predicted, he said he didn’t get any texts because he just jailbroke his iphone...which could be true, I guess?
"Are we going to hang out again or not?" I asked, in plain English.
"I thought you wouldn't want to..." he replied. Why is it that I never get a straightforward answer when I’m only asking a yes-no question?!
"You didn't answer my question," I asked again, after briefly talking about our weekends.
"Well yeah, that is if you can fit me into your skating dates," he replied. "I'll come up with something that tops skating," he added.
…
Later that night, I went to his place to watch a movie. I remember I used to really trust my intuition but at some point, I stopped due to past experiences. Although, I still have difficulties making the difference between sensing and intuition, I try to not let past experiences burry my current perception of things anymore. And I just feel like he's a nice and honest guy. I can tell he wanted to touch me but he wasn’t sure of the boundaries and was afraid I’d react badly like last time. It shows that he was considerate and respectful enough to not pressure me. I didn’t feel like I was in danger for once.
By the way, he has two cats at home; one that is social and the other one is a loner. Isn’t that cute that a guy lives with two cats? It's hard to picture that without laughing.
When he gave me compliments, I would pause for second to think about it and hesitantly go “…thank you.”
“Waw, you said thank you for once!” he said, surprised.
“That felt weird” I said, laughing.
Anyways, we watched "From Hell" with Johnny Depp. The only thing I saw was people getting stabbed by creeps, ha. I didn’t understand the movie at all, I didn’t focus. I was thinking about Renan half of the time and that's not because I miss him. Although I never thought about him in those exact terms, I always subconsciously knew I was using him to run away from people of the past.
As we move further from the object of our potential empathy, the less likely we are to be empathetic and the more clearly we see. It's never so much the stressor of the object that causes fear; it's how we approach it. Now I clearly see that it wasn't him that I was scared of. I was scared that I'd never move forward. I was miserable.
It's always easier said than done but, I was just thinking how to not repeat those mistakes and to turn them into lessons...